Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn One: You Rang, Father?
The Village of Ardglass…
>Offer tour to Bishop!
>Suggest wiggly earpiece radio things for the team!
..."Right, 'ello Bishop, yer great big shite!" nods
Father O'Feckerty to
Bishop McFeckerty.
"D'you want a feckin' tour of Rolly-feckin'-Island or should we just get straight to the feckin' upgrading?"“Great big shite?” shouts Bishop McFeckerty in a voice a few shades lighter than Bishop Lennan's but still not particularly agreeable without ear protection.
“Great big shite? I'll give you a great big shite right up the arse, yer great big feckin' shitebiscuit!”Bishop McFeckerty gives Father O'Feckerty a great big shite right in the feckin' face, in fact, just to surprise him, punching him to the ground, kicking him in the bollocks, and stepping over the groaning priest on his way to the door.
“Are we going to go on this feckin' gobshite tour of the island or are you going to roll about on the floor like some kind of mouldy feckin' bollock bag?”“Nnngnggn right yes Your feckin' Highness! Erm Your Grace... Erm... Oh feck,” fecks O'Feckerty. He suddenly turns to his priestly companions, although it could just be a coincidental effect of his prolonged and agonised writhing on the ground.
"Oh! Y'know what we should get for this whole ceremony business? A bunch o' them feckin' wiggly earpiece things, like what them feckin' special forces an' secret agents an' national feckin' security types have! To coordinate shite and that, y'know?""Bloody good idea with the earpieces, mate.” harrumphs
Father Lars, striding over to O'Feckerty, standing over him and wondering whether he should give the downed priest a quick kick in the groin. He decides he won't.
"How about you go get us some, you wee eejit?"Lars turns to go back to his Bishop.
“Little gobshite,” he mutters under his breath.
Wiggly earpiece radios, GO!
Get acquainted with my higher brethren! ALL of them, if possible!
..."Communication is the path to wisdom. I agree!" agrees
Father Tiruin, turning to the sage
Father O'Feckerty with a constipated smile straining across his face. He steps up and peers closely at the now slightly uncomfortable
Father Lars before bowing in a slightly stilted fashion.
"My friend! Your name is famous in all the land for your deed! What say we all conduct masses beforehand when the tourists arrive? Surely they will have time before the opening ceremony - including our Bishops' presence!"“What?”Oblivious to his failure to capture Father Lars' attention, Father Tiruin storms on to his next victim.
"Bishop Jordan, a fancy name. Sounds like one of them basketball stars, I say. How have you been, and I say, that is one fancy collar you're wearing. How large is it and is it dry-clean only? Do you like that size of collar? I quite like that shade of white, I have to say, one of my favourites. And, oh! Look at-"”Me feckin' collar? What? Now, you know, since I'm here, perhaps I could help with your spiritual development? Give some ecumenical advice? Do you have any spiritual worries, my son?”Make small talk with the Bishop and try to determine what potential horrible things he is likely to get involved in, since nothing ever goes right around here.
...Father Lars instructs
O'Feckerty, pointedly ignores the strange
Father Tiruin, and turns to his Bishop.
"Bishop Fachs! Father Lars here, and I do hope you enjoy your visit to the island! I trust your trip went well?"”The trip was feckin' awful! I came here once before, when I was a wee lad. I feckin' hated it! Let's get this feckin' relic business out the feckin' way! You know, did you ever wonder just what the feck was going on with this feckin' relic business? A Holy feckin' Stone? On Rolly feckin' Island?”Do some awkward smalltalk with the bishop, taking great care to not mention the topic of little boys. Find out what he's like. Listen to the other conversations.
Then purchase a second, fire-retardant, cassock.
Also wiggly earpieces thing.
..."Er. Right then. Um. Your somewhat holy holiness O'Neill? You had a good trip, yes? Good ride on the boy- OH FECK I MEAN ON THE BOAT? THE BOAT! A GOOD RIDE ON THE FECKIN' BOAT? No werewolves? I hear that a lot of the feckers have been around recently. Um. So. Werewolves."”A good erm ride uh yes erm the?””Ok, right so. Erm. Tea? Uhhh... brothers of the cloth. Are you sure your fecking cassocks are tightly affixed to your fecking bodies and staying there? We wouldn't want yet another nudity-related incident..."”Nudity?” asks
Bishop O'Neill, turning bright red.
”Erm. You know, I don't really want any of that. Got a bit of a weak heart, so I have. Seventy nine, don't you know?”...But alas!
Father Errol doesn't hear. He's already rushed out the door to Ardglass's local fire retardant cassock shop!
But it's a Tuesday.
It's shut.
Father Tiruin 1
Father Lars 0
Father O'Feckerty 0
Father Errol 0
I am not yet entirely back, but d&d dice roller certainly is!
Apologies for the now traditional slow-burning first turn (particularly this one, where NOTHING HAPPENS thanks to your randomised incompetence). To compensate for the lack of action, I am adding 'shitebiscuit' to the permitted swearing list.
Author
Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68337 times)