Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Seven: Drugs Are Bad!
A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…
Get to desired location! Mentally and vocally prepare a rousing speech of allegories and assumptions.
When there, examine the area - if there are any others which are not Bishops/Priests, hold a mass! If not, get all prim and proper, making the Bishops feel comfortable and tending to their needs.
Father Tiruin smiles gently to himself as he remembers the very special task at hand. He pats the fencepost, pleased at an appreciated listener, and turns on his heels towards his destination.
He hasn’t got very far when he sees, a short distance away, what appears to be a bus, stopped and refuelling at a petrol station.
An idea hits him.
Surely… he thinks to himself,
I’m rather late… And thusly speed is surely of the essence! Let us pray!Sprinting up the remainder of the country lane, dodging between the various mounds of cow excrement dotting the broken tarmac, Father TIruin dashes desperately towards the service station and the whirring diesel pump.
He sprints as fast as his cassock allows him!
”Oh, hello there, Father Tiruin!”"Sorry, Driver McFulty! Duty calls!"…Father Tiruin smashes Mr McFulty in the face with a firm right hook!
The hose of the diesel pump spins into the air, spraying fuel all over the side of the bus!
Father Tiruin grabs the keys off the fallen McFulty, jumps into the bus, revs the engine briefly, and drives off at top speed towards the Holy Stone!
”Oh Father, you forgotten to put the feckin’ fuel cap back on! I’ve been having terrible trouble with th- oh feck it…”Mr McFulty decides to go off for a drink.
Outside The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
Continue lying face-first on the ground, because it seems to be comfortable so far and nothing bad's happened yet. Try to put on and close overcoat while remaining in that position. Enjoy bread rolls, and share them with Bishop O'Neill. Then, with peace of mind, and possibly the company of O'Neill, ponder God and the mysterious ways he works in.
”ARGHH!”Father Errol recognises the tell-tale signs of an incoming panic attack.
”NOOOOOOOOOO!”His heart begins to beat terribly fast.
”YARRGHGHHLGYH!”His breath becomes shallow and quick.
”NOTHING BAD’S HAPPENED FOR AGES! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING NEARLY WEARING AN OVERCOAT? I WANT TO BE A PRIEST AGAIN! A NAKED PRIEST!!”Launching his pile of bread rolls into the air and scattering them over all the people watching the burning building, Father Errol inexplicably throws his overcoat at the crowd, lifts Bishop O’Neill over his shoulder like a fireman, and runs screaming into the flaming cafeteria.
Soon Bishop O’Neill starts screaming too!
”PUT ME DOWN, YOU GREAT FECKIN’ EEJIT! WHAT’S GOT INTO YOU, YOU DAFT SHITE?! PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE YOU GREAT PILE OF ARSE! I FECKIN’ WELL SAID PUT ME D-ARRRRRGH!”…Bishop O’Neill seems to be having a heart attack! Oh dear!
The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…
>Punch Bishop McFeckerty (editor’s note: you meant Jordan) right in the face-- for his own good, you understand! He's clearly having a panic attack of some sort.
>While he is (hopefully) knocked out, clothe myself in that badger shite and help myself to the Bishop's whiskey. Lord knows I deserve it!
"Argh!” screams
Father O’Feckerty, spitting out teeth as the drunken bishop pummels him with the small furry animal.
"Gimme that, yer Grace! You're out of yer feckin' mind an' shite, temporary insanity and all that nonsense!"…Father O’Feckerty punches Bishop Jordan right in the face, dives into a nearby pile of badger shite, and rubs it all over himself in an attempt to hide his prominent nudity!
It kind of works!
He bends down to pick up the bishop’s mostly finished bottle of whiskey and, as he collapses to the floor to take a grateful swig, he suddenly has the intuition that he should, or perhaps should not, look up.
He looks up to see a camera man zooming in to his handsome and badger-shite smeared face!
He nearly spits out his hard-earned whiskey!
The local news have turned up to cover the momentous regrading of the Holy Stone!
Cajole the Bishop into the car. If I can, knock his weedcig away when he's not paying attention.
Mere feet away from the stinking
Father O’Feckerty,
Father Lars is having a little trouble of his own.
"Oh yes, Bishop, bloody hilarious," he admits, dragging Bishop Fachs to his feet and directing him vaguely towards
O’Feckerty’s stolen car.
"Hey, I could drive you somewhere even better!" he continues, looking disapprovingly at the still quite large funny cigarette smoking away between the bishop’s thumb and forefinger.
"Hop in the car!"”Hohoho! A sheep! A feckin’ sheep Father Lars! A funny feckin’ sheep!”"Yes, Your Grace. Come on now, let’s get in the car please."Father Lars looks despairingly around him as he tries to push the bishop’s head through the car door.
Suddenly he notices the local TV crew, apparently interviewing Father O’Feckerty nearby!
”Hohoho! A bus! A feckin’ bus! A speeding feckin’ bus!”"Yes, Bishop Fachs, very nice. Into the feckin’ car will you? Come on," says Father Lars, getting increasingly frustrated at the unhelpful Grace.
”No really! Hohohoho! A bus! Running over a sheep! I think it’s totally out of control!!”"YOU’RE BLOODY WELL TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL," shouts back Father Lars,
"Here, you don’t feckin’ well need any more of this shite," he says,
…vigorously backhanding the funny cigarette into the air as, with one last violent push, he inserts the bishop into the car.
”Noooooo! Lars! The bus! THE FECKIN’ BUS!! REALLY!!!”Father Lars, just about to slam the car door on the noisy fecking pointing bishop, turns in horror to see an oncoming bus, apparently with a sheep stuck to the windscreen inches in front of the manically grinning
Father Tiruin, bear down on the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, hurtling out of control until suddenly coming to a very sharp stop and skidding a deep furrow through the bumpy field only twenty or so metres away from the soon-to-be upgraded relic.
It seems that the fuel cap is missing!
It seems that the terrible bumpy ride and the horrible dangerous skid have spurted half the diesel out of the side of the bus!
It seems like Bishop Fachs’ funny cigarette is flying through the air in slow motion, twirling end to end in the sky, sailing like a miniature angry burning weasel towards the open fuel tank!
Father Tiruin descends from the bus and looks about as the nearby camera crew rush up.
”Aha! I see the cameras are rolling, so to speak! Now, my speech is ready! Hello everyone!”Father Tiruin’s speeches have rarely been greeted with such excitement!
One priest is naked! Another priest is naked and smeared in badger excrement! One cafeteria is burning!
Father Lars 9
Father Errol 5
Father O'Feckerty 1
Father Tiruin -1
Really very sorry, Father Errol. It seems the dice have decided to hate you this episode. That said, you’re inexplicably doing quite well.
Father Lars, did you understand that you were within walking distance of the Stone?
Clarification note:
Author
Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68368 times)