THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN SIXTEEN
"Let's finish this, boys!"PAUL MCCARTNEY LETS OFF A BEAM OF GENTLE LOVING AND CARTOON HEARTS TOWARD DINOHITLER!
Without further ado and without stopping bleeding from the arm,
Paul McCartney aims his beloved acoustic guitar at the towering dinofiend DinoHITLER.
"Nobody likes you, DinoHITLER!" he cries out.
"You’re gonna die alone and miserable!" he adds.
"You stink of rotting cheese!" he finishes, power strumming a gentle d minor chord!
…DinoHITLER sinks to his knees and cries great big nazi tears of woe! He might be a mass murdering dimension travelling nazi dinosaur dictator and the embodiment of the very worst evil EVER but it seems he’s got a sensitive heart of gold! Who knew!
Let us not be deceived though: he’s a gobshite and deserves to die!
Continue Total War! Activate Loved By Tables!
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 - stop chewing on the Dinofuhrer! Provide medical aid for him!
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 - fetch the stunned Monsieur Jacques Kennedy and stick him into the Dinofuhrer's bleeding wounds or perhaps a puddle of evil presumably lying around the Dinofuhrer! Cover him in Dinonazi goodevilness, hopefully crafting a worthy successor in the name of EVIL!
Presumably Ravenous and Elite Dinonazi Group 3 - protect the Dinofuhrer!
He just doesn’t
want to die though!
…First he summons 30 Ravenous Elite Dinonazis! Crikey!
…Then out of thin air he summons a bunch of nazi tables to fly about the air around him: they’re made of solid nazi titanium!
He’s still sobbing great big nazi tears of woe though, and his Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 take pity and stop chewing their dinoFUHRER.
They instead chew his
bloodpure evil!
…They chew it so hard it gets frightened: so frightened it hides inside DinoHITLER’s body and refuses to come out!
…Then the Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 fetch Jacques Kennedy and try to wipe him about in the puddles of evil blood lying all over the place, but* it doesn’t work very well.
but instead a waffle escapes from his pocket and turns nazi because of all the blood and then a bunch of secret service agents leap out of his other pocket and shoot the waffle to death and try to make everyone wear shades the end.
ENORNOMULTIKILL HE rounds at anything dinoshaped
ENORMOGUTS: Strangle the hamster! Crush him as unto a snake!
"ENORMOTARNATION! I FEEL ENORNOREBORN! TASTE ENORMODEATH" enormobooms
ENORMOCROCKETT! Via his neuro-uplink mind-control module Crockett sets his shoulder-mounted ex-nazi dinotank cannon to HE and prepares to unleash ENORMODOOM on his foes!
…Many dice are rolled! Many explosions explode! Smoke and shrapnel burst all about!
One shells powers towards DinoHITLER and there’s an audible intake of breath as the GM waits to see if the titanium tables will protect His Most Evilness or not…
…THEY DON’T!
When the smoke clears it becomes apparent that
…DinoHITLER’s arms have been severed by the blast!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER:
Severed Arms!The other two shells Crockett directs towards his own crotch, and blasts right into Otto van Dino and his minions hiding in the ENORMOSPEEDO of Lumithos!
…Crikey! Otto van Dino’s guts are blasted off! His lead minion’s face is shrapnelled to pieces! Minion number one bleeds to death!
Crockett also suffers completely unavoidable crotch injuries too because that’s what happens when you shoot your ENORMOCROTCH with your ENORMOCANNON!
Wound Acquired: Otto van Dino:
Severed Guts! Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Crotch Chafing!But Crockett ignores the crotch-pain and boomingly commands his undead ENORMOGUTS:
"GO FORTH, MY ENORMOGUTS!"They scamper across the battlefield, leaping through the air towards Heinrich MECHAHAMSTER and
…fracture the loveable rodent’s throat!
Heinrich starts choking to death!
Half his HP choke away! And Davy Crockett did look upon his guts; and, surveying their carnage, he was well pleased.
"MY ENORMOGUTS!" he called out,
"I AM WELL PLEASED!"Wound Acquired: Heinrich Hamster:
Fractured Throat!Stop acting like a combination of Communist and hippy.
Meanwhile, Adjutrate the Ankylosaur has a sudden flash of clarity. Arg! He’s acting like a goddamned Commuhippy!
…He manages to get dressed and restrain himself from dancing. He even manages to will the effects of the hallucinogenic drugs away. He sounds fun.
Player:Name: PzMMMMMMMMMI Giganotosaurus
Status: Mecha,
EnormousInventory: Mechas don't need inventory x9001 of +1Wounds: [HP:200/200]Skills: Panzerkampfwagen Plating, Lazor OVERDRIVEEEEEEEEEEEE~Note I did down the +5 to LAZORS as that would auto-sever everything it touched. Which sounds nice I guess but no. Actually why not.
Just then an enormous nazi mecha appears out of the fog of battle, striding like a gigantic… colossal… enormous nazi mecha! The air around its LAZORS begins to hit up; they begin to whir: they
…sever one of
Davy Crockett’s arms right out of his face!
Crockett is beside himself with grief!
Seems granite and concrete are denser than I. Strange.
Climb to a higher area on which I could jump onto one of... the larger creatures in the area.
…Suddenly there’s an awful hideous rumbling noise of terrible doom!
Schrödinger’s Superdense Cat slips whilst he’s climbing up one of the nearby larger creatures, and plummets to the ground! He’s so dense he crashes right through the ground, right through the earth’s crust, and smashes right into the earth’s molten core! He briefly has time to destabilise the entire planet’s orbit with his stupefying mass and send it spinning out of control towards the nearest sun before burning up just like the planet and all of its innocent inhabitants will now shortly do regardless of anything Archimedes might want to point out about physics and whatnot!
Oh well.
Death Acquired Again! Schrödinger’s Cat: Death!
Eat Enormocrocket's heart, with the aid of my minions.
Deep within the bowels of… Davy Crockett’s bowels, Otto van Dino lurks before finding the right moment in which to strike with his team of crack velociraptor saboteurs, despite all the bleeding. Suddenly he leaps forth with his loyal remaining minions, and
…nibbles Crockett’s heart very very gently.
Davy Crockett feels a slight tickle!
Archimedes: Use your elemental mathematics to further the dungeon's collapse. Preferably on the heads of Dinohilter and Co.
Hulkimedes: Smash anyone who comes near any of the good guys. Unless it's a good guy.
Archimedes is tired. This has been going on for ages. He has seen many terrible things. He has many dried traces of ENORMOVOMIT about his person. And, once again, and for quite some time now, he is naked before many people, both friend and foe. Who knows which of these is the main contributing factor in a) his thinking that collapsing the dungeon is a good idea; b) his belief that selectively collapsing a dungeon on only certain people’s heads is possible; or c)
…his complete failure to do so.
His surrogate frustration-expresser, the Monster of Maths, HULKIMEDES, faithfully expresses Archimedes’ frustration by leaping off a nearby boulder into the ENORMOSPEEDO of Lumithos that adorns Davy Crockett’s groin and
…tearing the head off the nearest dinominion.
Archimedes feels a little better and has a sit down.
HAMSTER BALL OF DOOM
"Is this how it ends, mein DINOhitler?" wails, through his fractured throat,
Heinrich Hamster.
”Arg!”In his devotion to his master he shoots a burst of hamsterballs out of his loveable hamsterpouch, spraying the deadly payload all over the battlefield!
…Holy crap! Headblood goes everywhere! Very heavy headblood shoots out of the apparently inactive Dino Skorzeny! Very heavy headblood and faceblood both shoot out of the head and face of Adjutrate the Ankylosaur! And all sorts of blood appears as the innocent and handsome 10ebbor10’s head is straight up and down broken!
Wound Acquired: Dino Skorzeny:
Very Heavy Headblood!Wound Acquired: Adjutrate:
Very Heavy Headblood!Wound Acquired: Adjutrate:
Very Heavy Faceblood!Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse:
Broken Head!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Five Legendary Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. +1 to impressing the ladies. Facially covered in sick. Has a lot of sick in his speedoguts.
Inventory: 100% Sequin Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard,
KEYBOARD LEG.
Wounds: [HP:45/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Sliced Up Arm!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
Bring out the Band!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Five Terror Knight of Lumithos
Status: Alternatively Armed. -2 to arms. Covered in sick. ENORMOUS. Possibly a zombie.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed arm (in face), severed left arm (in face), severed right arm (in face), severed left (?) leg (in face), severed face (on face, but the wrong way round),
Doublearmleglazorholeupsidedownfaceface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos,
Rocket Mono-Segway.
Wounds: [HP:65/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm! |
Broken Face! |
Crotch Chafing!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll!,
Butter His Head,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: Covered in sick. Naked!
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:34/75] |
Broken Head!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher
Status: -1 to legs and -1 to dodging. HULKIMEDES DOESN'T REQUIRE LEGS OR DODGING.
Inventory: PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Broken Leg!Skills: Archimedes Squared! Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Player: Tiruin
Name: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Level Five Quantum Caticist
Status: Covered in sick.
Inventory: Quantum Mechanics, Vol. I, Spectacles.
Wounds: [HP:10/10]Skills: Nine EightSevenSixFiveFourThreeTwoOne Life,
Quantum Cat,
Master of Uncertainty,
Quantum Fur Balls,
Cat Reflexes,
Cat Sized,
Sickly Player: monk12
Name: Heinrich Hamster, Level Five and a Half Nazi Hamster Mecha
Status:Inventory:Wounds: [HP: 80/200] |
Gnawed Face! |
Fractured Throat!Skills: Cleverly Named Extra HP Buff! Hamster Ball of Doom! Hamster Warren! Adorable Nazi HamHam! Exploding Minions! Giant Teeth! Cheese Berseker! Player:Name: DINOHITLER, CHIEF OF ALL EVIL
Status: -1 to dodge, -1 to face, -1 to movement, -2 emotion combat penalty, -1 to arms.
Inventory: spare moustache
Wounds: [HP:10/250] |
FRACTURED RIGHT LEG! |
FRACTURED GUTS! |
SEVERED FACE! |
Severed Left Leg! |
Severed Arms!Skills: Loved By Tables,
Made of Evil,
Total War,
Mediocre Painter,
Stupid Evil.
Davy Crockett’s Reanimated Segment of Severed Gut: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
RINGO STARR ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
GEORGE HARRISON ACTIVATED: Wounds: [HP: 100/100]
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 247224 times)