THE MAGNIFICENT TIMELORD
THE DARK DANK EXPOSED GUTS OF THE DINOLAIR, A TUESDAY. THE FORCES OF EVIL SURROUND THE FORCES OF SEQUINOUS GOOD.
IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO TELL WHO IS WINNING.
THE DARK.
THE BLOOD.
THE MURDER.
SCREAMS.
LIKE HEAD UPON ALE FLOATS VOMIT UPON ALL.
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 - Deploy the Fuhrer's spare moustache to make him good as new! Its mystical evil is the only thing that can save him!
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 - Eat Jacques Kennedy!
Massive Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 3 - devour Ringo Starr and George Harrison!
”Mein DinoFUHRER!” cries a choir of ravenous elite dinonazis from beneath their towering evil leader.
”You are doing severe bleeding to death!”One brave but anonymous dinonazi leaps from the crowd amongst the whizzing stray bullets and the falling rocks.
”Mein DinoFUHRER!” he cries,
”Let me apply ze EMERGENCY SPARE MOUSTACHE! Its mystical evil is the only thing that can save you!”Thus spake DinoHITLER:
”Ja!”The choir of ravenous elite dinonazis (Division 1) form a
human dinonazi tower of great height and strength; their comrade advances upon them, briefcase containing the emergency spare Hitler moustache in one hand, the limbs of his comrades as he hauls himself up the tower of dinoevil in the other. He climbs!
He climbs with ferocious speed! Terrible devotion! Boundless excitement!
He handles the nazi moustache with loving care and trembling fingers. He reaches the summit of the living dinonazi tower.
He is face to face with his adored and hideously evil DinoFUHRER.
He shakes with anticipation.
No one has ever unleashed such evil: the honour upon him, for all of history, will be great! Ungreaterable!
The anonymous ravenous elite dinonazi throws aside the briefcase and kneels. He rises again, and raises the nazi moustache in both hands above him in evil heinous mockery of sacred ritual.
…He thrusts the emergency spare moustache forward with the power of a thousand souls!
He cannot control the force contained therein!
His arms! They are possessed! By the very spirit of evil itself!
The emergency spare moustache penetrates in a hideous homage right through DinoHITLER’s shattered facemeats!
The skull is pierced!
The brain is severed!
Tumbling; groaning; a hideous wail and a haunting moan echo from wall to cavern wall as DinoHITLER collapses to the ground, crushing, powdering, destroying his loyal ravenous elite dinonazis (Division 1) as the evil soul of the moustache destroys him; renders him back unto life; electrifies his severed brainflesh with the very current of all evil, twitching his evil limbs with evil life through the circuitry of doom that is the flaccid rotting corpse of that most virulent plot twist:
ZOMBIEDINOHITLER!
…In terrified fear the second loyal group of dinonazis leap, salivating and hungry-eyed, upon the innocent Jacques Kennedy. He fights them off, batting them away, reducing their number, yet straining most painfully his one good ankle as he does!
…In hideous vengeance the third loyal group of dinonazis descend, angry and vile-faced, upon the luckless George Harrison. They tear him limb from cherished limb!
…In blind destruction the unsated dinonazis continue, frothing and blood-stained, on to the hapless Ringo Starr. They sever his head and steal away his drumsticks!
The end of the Beatles is nigh!
Activate Master of Uncertainty.
And furball at Dinohitler!
ONE CAT.
THE CAT THAT HAS DIED.
THE CAT THAT
…As zombiedinohitler rises from the dead, a small cat nearby arches its back. Its hair on end. Choking tremendously on a furball, an astrophysical furball, a black hole leading to its very heart. It suddenly materialises in the air above it a hologram. A hologram of a light that shines upon it. That marks it clear as day as the small cat, alone in the maelstrom, keels over to the floor, choking tremendously.
…It coughs with a feeble gasp.
MEDIC!
…Nearby an ankylosaur cries out. He cries out for his mother. He is hurt. He has grazed his knee. He has very heavy faceblood. Rival dinonazi balls.
A kindly dinosaur passes.
He says, there there, it is ok. It is just faceblood.
The ankylosaur protests: very heavy faceblood. Cold. He is well read, and it reminds him of a book on war.
The kindly dinosaur says, no, you hold on son, you're going to make this, I am not going to let you die on me, and pushes him off him to die on the floor instead.
But he doesn't die on the floor instead so the kindly dinosaur applies pressure to the bleeding, applies a bandage, and another, and gives Adjutrate the Ankylosaur a shot of morphine in the ass.
You're good to go, says the kindly dinosaur.
Archimedes: Patch self up and stuff
Hulkimedes: Activate all abilities
”Aïe!” suggests Archimedes to anyone listening.
”That hurt!”Rummaging through his robes, carried carefully over his arm for endless turn after turn as he flaunts his majestic Grecian nudity, Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher, Twin of Hulkimedes, Mathematical Inflictor of Collateral Damage, finally finds his medkit – a cost-effective authentic Chinese imitation medkit that he has carried across several worlds – and a camping bed.
…He unfolds the camping bed, sits down on the edge, considers self-trepanation, instead extensively bandages his head doubling its size, swings his legs round, and has a nice lie down.
The battle rages all about him.
Hulkimedes rages all about him.
HULKIMEDES RAGE ALL ABOUT ARCHIMEDES.
…HULKIMEDES MULTIPLY THIS.
…HULKIMEDES LITERALLY MATHEMATICKIFY THAT.
…HULKIMEDES ENGULF THE DINOLAIR IN BURNING FLAME.
HULKIMEDES LAUGH AT SCREAMS OF BURNING MINIONS.
”HAHAHA!”Heinrich closes his eyes before blindly gnawing on Enormocrockett's Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface!
Heinrich Hamster scurries into the attack, eyes shut and olfactory senses temporarily disabled – for the hideous face of Davy Crockett can be smelt by the sensitive of nose even through a swaddle of bandages.
"From hell's heart, I stab at thee!" he insists rather dramatically as he launches into a hard blind gnaw.
…Heinrich makes the facepain spread throughout the disfigured horror of Crockett’s misshapen visage! He makes light trickles of blood stain through the surfaces of the Holy and Blessed Covering! He chokes a little on a half-swallowed pus- and blood-wettened bandage fibre!
The pus-thought alone makes him violently retch!
It dribbles gratuitously down his chin.
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Facepain!Summon another squad, and give his heart one last good chew.
Back inside Davy Crockett’s Speedo, the severely injured Otto van Dino and his chums –
…his newly summoned chums, infiltrate their way towards the American’s ribcage, working their way stealthily past the guts, past the liver, through the smoky depths until they reach the beating heart of Freedom.
…Their manic and frenzied chewing fractures Davy Crockett’s heart!
People stumble and fall and grasp their chests in unknown despair across the Texases of every universe!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Fractured Heart!French Resistance: Do something competent.
Suddenly, amidst the whirling pool of bullets, noise, and death, appears the French Resistance!
…They do nothing competent!
Activate Panzerkampfwagen Plating, Continue LAZORing davy crockett!
The Crockett-persecuting giant nazi mecha stomps ever more slowly forward as great sheets of steel sprout out of its sides and legs and arms:
…evil Panzerkampfwagen steel sheets! Carefully correcting its aim, the evil mecha – the evillest of mechas – continues its LAZORING at ENORMOCROCKETT’s face.
…THE ENORMOBOMINATION IS SEVERED!
Davy Crockett’s treasured face falls to the floor, the carefully applied bandages unwrapping in graceful slow motion as they drop!
Crockett’s exposed brainblood radiates burning hate and vengeance and sorrow!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Severely severed face!Paul McCartney was stunned. No: flabbergasted. Yes, Paul McCartney was flabbergasted at the size of DinoHITLER's ever-increasing horde of multidimensional, multitemporal loyalists. Even though the Tyrannofuhrer himself was on his last legs, creatures like Ad the Ankylosaur and Otto van Dino continued pouring in with no end. He did not know from which foul hell they came nor through which black portal they entered, but he did know one thing: DinoHITLER was not the only one who could summon loyalist minions by the thousand.
"IT'S OVER NOW, DINOHITLER! INFINITE MULTIDIMENSIONAL FROG CHORUS: I CHOOSE YOU!"Bereft, bandmateless, surrounded by ever-growing numbers of evil enemies, Paul McCartney has but one last card to play. The ultimate musical card, perhaps.
The Card of Frogs!…He strums a chord and opens his golden shining mouth: the burning lair of dinoHITLER darkens with a sudden flash of overwhelming green.
FROG UPON FROG!
Frog upon flooding frog, froggily flooding the whole everything: the frog of every dimension through which McCartney has ever travelled heeding his belting call, answering the cry to arms and materialising through gaps between universes; frogging their way abruptly through realities in a blaze of frog; an explosion of frog!
Frog!
From every direction there is naught but frog! From on top; from below – the frogs multiply and the frogs grow, extinguishing the fire in the dinolair, sucking out the oxygen until all within pass out and there is only left, above the mound of frog, the mould of frog, two towering foes facing each other; one: faceless evil; one: faceless good.
Once again enormozombieamerica has returned to strike out the evil of enormodinonazidom; yet still the frogs grow.
The quantity of frog expands, their mass builds, the frog-pyramid bursts through the roof of the dinolair, smashing through the rock and continuing to build upwards, to such height and with such frog-density that the earth, not long ago hurtling towards its burny doom, is stabilised, straightened, saved by frog.
Frog upon frog and ENORMOZOMBIECROCKETT VS ZOMBIEDINOHITLER upon an unending pile of singing frog up until where the air becomes thin.
The noise is tremendous.
Grab the end of the ENORMOGUTS while they still have the Hamster tied up, and turn it into a fleshy ball-and-chain. Beat the crap out of any available baddies.
ENORMOBOONE: Eat any different available baddies.
And upon the singing towering pyramid of freedom loving frogs, Crockett’s enormoanger is also tremendous. Nobody messes with his precious face appendages and lives to tell the tale.
"MY ENORMOARM! MY ENORMOHEART! YOU NAZI BASTARDS ARE GOING TO PAY! GUTS, LET'S GO! ENORMOBOONE, TIME TO FEED!"Scrabbling down through the still-increasing tower of amphibian, the mighty ENORMOBOONE pokes with his nasal feelers, searching out the foul mecha that defaced his beloved Crockett. His jaws snap open. His enormojaws snap shut.
…Despite his evil armour plating, PzMMMMMMMMMI Giganotosaurus is devoured entirely! In the turmoil of ENORMOBOONE’s guts-juice, he begins to dissolve.
But the frogs materialise yet; and the towering frogamid grows, dragging Crockett and DinoHITLER to its summit, above the clouds, into a rarefied atmosphere of thin air and thick frog, a three dimensional triangle of frog eight miles high and as many wide at its base and still singing a great cacophonous chant of freedom and frogdom in harmony to Paul McCartney’s continuing song, buried somewhere deep below, somewhere amidst the bowels of the frogamid, where the air grows even scarcer than the summit, and where the crushing grows stronger and harsher with each frog that leaps through the multiverses to join its comrades.
For yea; DinoHITLER is removed from his protective lair, and removed from his never-ending accomplices in evil, and thrust upon the towering enormoeverest of singing green, where in honourable single combat he, zombiefied and facemeatless, meets the enormoundead Davy Crockett, also sadly shorn of faceflesh.
There is no more vomit.
There is no more gratuitous explosion.
There will be no more nudity.
Only the faceless face of freedom: Davy Crockett. The faceless face of evil: DinoHITLER.
Both dead.
Both born again, whether by the power of evil moustache or the power of music.
Below them all is crushed by frog, the new and innumerable rulers of earth.
Crockett and DinoHITLER alone above them.
Alone?
No!
ENORMOCROCKETT swings, like a fleshy ball and chain, his sentient ENORMOGUTS – round his head they swing, in a terrifying arc, the guts his chain and Heinrich Hamster his helpless choking swinging ball.
DinoHITLER reaches for the only weapon he has left: his mediocre paintbrushes.
He has no arms.
He flails hopelessly with his fleshly shoulder stumps as, still rising on the mound of frog, ENORMOCROCKETT strides towards him.
He swings his fleshy ball.
…The fleshy nazi orbit spells doom. The guts sing as they swing, something about being king, ENORMO, ENORMOCROCKETT, king, they sing, they swing, swish, cut through the air, Heinrich Hamster howling as he flies past and past again and finally howling in despair as he flies into DinoHITLER’s exposed headfront, and through the multiple skulltendons, traversing the severed brainflesh, shattering the head, the evil nasty nazi head, the headmeat of ultimate evil, and felling DinoHITLER as Davy Crockett sadly disfigured by long hard battle is raised never-endingly to heaven on a growing pyramid of croaking harmonious frog, beneath which is only silence.
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Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 248992 times)