‘Now, I have received word that there is a traitor in our midst.’
Dialogue traditionally has double quotes. I get this, but just remember industry standard. The commander was a short man, but his lack of height was more than made up for by the steel in his expression. His greying hair was clipped short despite the fact that his active service
has Wrong tense and unnecessary. ended
a number of years ago. A black beret hid it from view,
I don't like this arrangement, it introduces some brief confusion to the 'it' you mention. See ReOrg 1. leaving only his piercing blue eyes to express his military service - shadows clustered at their corners, memories that he would never tell.
‘Now, if you are this traitor, you may leave now. The guards on the door will escort you to the cells, and you will remain there until you die.’
He pauses for a moment, eyes flicking towards the nearby desk as if in thought, before amending -
‘Peacefully.’
Another dialogue rule: Except for emphasis (Dropping "Peacefully" a line is fine) and looong dialogue blocks you try to keep dialogue and the speech tags what go with the dialogue on the same paragraph.Resuming his walk,
He never started walking. Makes me do a double take to see if I missed something he turned to pass
Why pass? Seems an awkward phrase here. around the rear of the desk -
it was the only furnishing in the otherwise grey room
,. and tThe polished mahogany did not appear to have ever been used
., Tthe only sign of work was a small stack of files in the far righthand corner, and a single open dossier
. in front of the seat - tThe page visible was clearly stamped with the word classified.
The rest of the men stood in a row between the door and the desk, facing the latter.
I would have just said: In front of the desk. They all wore the same uniform as the commander, except that their berets lacked the gold star that anointed his brow.
Wait, commander has a gold star? Mention that when you're describing him. That part is important. Each stood with their gaze fixed
almost impassively at the bare wall before them
. - iIt would have taken significant inspection of their eyes to tell the hint of fear that resided within.
Hmm. See ReWord 1 belowThe commander
had now reached the rear of the line, blocking the route to the door. A click resounded around the room as he turned the key in the lock and pocketed it, and one man in particular winced at the noise. Even from the rear, the commander saw the twitch and leapt upon it like a fleeing deer.
Action confusion here. If you want to use prey analogies, you usually have to establish a predator for the commander to leap like, otherwise the the literally meaning of this is that the commander himself is leaping like a fleeing deer. I don't think that's what you mean.‘Private Ryan. Would you happen to have anything to confess?’
The breath caught in the Private
's throat as the
I really think it would be better here if you didn't use these 'the's. 'The Commander's face' is better than 'the face'. And certainly easier when you get to mouths. face materialised
Oh you crazy Brits. over his shoulder - the mouth held uncomfortably close to his ear, and the tone too calm and quiet to match the situation.
‘No sir,’ came the whispered response, and the breathing withdrew.
‘How... fortunate, Briggs.’
His name is Briggs Ryan? Just stylistically I'd swap those.The words rang full of menace, as the sound of the commander’s boots marched back to the rear of the desk. He stood for a moment, staring with apparent interest at a point some three inches above his line of vision on the back wall, before turning to face the men.
‘Now, as there has been no admittance, please allow me to make the situation clear. One of you will not leave this room alive.’
Good set up for your particular twistHe crouched down for a moment, and opened a draw
er with a dull rattle. It was filled with a soft grey foam, cradling gently
I'd switch the order of those last two word. a military
grade pistol
I want to see this pistol. See it as clearly as the troops see it. Is it a revolver, a semi? Is it an engraved officer's piece, or is it a plain field sidearm?. As he stood back to full height, he
lay laid it almost reverently on the desk before him, light catching on the cool metal.
See ReOrg 2‘I do not care if you have a family. I do not care if you were only doing your job. You were offered your escape.’
The pistol was lifted, The Commander raised the pistol Textbook passive language. It's okay to say 'the commander' a bajillion times. It's better than a verbal construction that lacks force and he sighted gently
I don't like this. How do you sight gently? You can sight quickly, casually, calmly, etc, but I don't know how you would sight gently. along the barrel, sweeping it slowly
down the line over to each man in turn. At the last - Briggs - he lowered it, and a touch of humour entered his face. Another click filled the silence as he disengaged the safety.
‘Now, I know who you are. I know what you have said. And I know the appropriate punishment.’
The ensuing pause
is was laden with meaning.
I would have said 'The silence that followed was laden with meaning.' but I don't think it's that major.‘However, appropriacy ended at the door. You are in my squad, and your betrayal is an internal matter. You will not receive a court marshal - instead you will receive a bullet. Do you follow me, Briggs?’
The private nodded, slowly,
seemingly afraid to
even move.
‘And so you will not be surprised by what I am about to do next?’
Again, a slow nod,
this time almost all but imperceptible above the trembling jaw. The commander
, stroked the barrel, before levelling leveled the pistol at Briggs' chest. He traced
it the sights up the unflinching man’s neck, until
its his Always make sure that it is clearly the commander behind these actions. aim rested upon his forehead, before bringing it back down. Then he lowered it once more, cocking his head slightly to the side. He stepped
out away from the desk, and three paces later stood before the private.
In a swift motion, the
commander gun lay pressed
the gun against his belly, and the commander
's mouth again stretched up towards
his the private's ear.
‘I would strongly advise you not to flinch. I would strongly advise you not to speak. In fact, I would strongly advise you not even to breathe, unless you desire aid in that particular matter.’
His lip trembled slightly - almost invisible but to the commander, who simply sneered, raising an almost primeval fear in his gut.
I think I see what you're trying to do here. See ReWord 3‘But sir -’
The complaint was cut short, and the grey wall turned grey.
This is the typical behavior of grey walls. I believe you mean red? The private slumped to his knees, lungs gasping for air that immediately left through the bullet wound,
and his hands clutching uselessly in an attempt to hold back the flow of his precious life. An odd rattling filled the room as he took his last breaths, still kneeling. Then the slightest of sighs rose above the bubbling, and a second bang filled the room.
Another soldier collapsed, slumped against the side wall, groin slowly staining red.
This is actually a fairly fatal place to shoot someone at close range. We have a lot of blood vessels down there. His eyes rolled back in his head as the pain struck him, and consciousness left him
almost thankfully fast mercifully quickly. The commander surveyed the two men, and gestured to the two others nearest to the second.
This sentence is much more confusing than it needs to be. Just use 'and gestured to the two men nearest the unconscious soldier' or some such.‘Take him to the medical bay.’
They stood, confused and unresponding, as the smirk grew larger.
When did the commander start smirking?‘His pain is only just beginning.’
With that, he turned,
Would he need to turn? He was facing these guys when he shot them, and they had their backs to the door. and
passed through the massacre stepped over pooling blood to the door. The key slipped into the lock and the Commander pushed the door open
and opened before him Again, the key isn't opening, the door is., but he paused on the threshold.
hHe glanced backwards, a shadow of what could have been remorse flickering across his face, and the gun fired for a third and final time
. - bBlood trickled down between what was once the private’s eyes, now unseeing.
He The Commander nodded once to himself, and left
,. a A fading line of red footprints the only sign
og of his passage.
Applause highlighted the thin winter air.
‘We now honour the hero of Clapham himself, Commander Foster!’
The applause grew louder as a man stepped out onto the stage outside the base. Deep in the crowd, a child cried.
‘For services above and beyond the call of duty, single handedly defending the Clapham North shelter from three platoons of the German invaders, we award him the Victoria Cross.’
The man stepped forward, another volume surge marking the moment when the medal was pinned upon his chest. He turned and waved to the crowd, his blue eyes momentarily softening beneath a jauntily worn black beret. A single gold star marked its brow, and upon the point of the star, undisturbed by polish, rests a single drop of crimson blood, fresh dried to a crust.
ReOrg 1: The commander was a short man, but his lack of height was more than made up for by the steel in his expression. His greying hair was clipped short despite the fact that his active service has ended a number of years ago. A black beret hid it from view, leaving only his piercing blue eyes to express his military service - shadows clustered at their corners, memories that he would never tell.
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The commander was a short man, but his lack of height was more than made up for by the steel in his expression. A black beret hid his gray hair, still clipped short despite the fact that his active service has ended a number of years ago. Only his piercing blue eyes express his military service - shadows clustered at their corners, memories that he would never tell.
ReWord 1: It would have taken significant inspection of their eyes to tell the hint of fear that resided within.
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The hint of fear each carried was only visible to the sharpest eye.
Still not happy with the way this sounds.ReWord 2: As he stood back to full height, he lay it almost reverently on the desk before him, light catching on the cool metal.
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The commander straightened and laid the pistol reverently on the desk, adjusting its position until light glinted across the cool metal.
ReWord 2: His lip trembled slightly - almost invisible but to the commander, who simply sneered, raising an almost primeval fear in his gut.
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Brigg's lip trembled slightly, a tic visible only to the commander. Primeval fear spiked through the private when the Commander responded with a sneer.
Overall Commentary: Not too shabby at all. I'm not exactly sure what troop you're playing with, except perhaps that the Commander goes the full monty instead of faking out. My biggest comment for you is to look at the number of times you say 'almost'. I've done this too, and it's seems cool at the time, but it needs to be done sparingly. Only in certain uses is 'almost x' better than 'x'.
Work on hammering out unnecessary language and passive statements. A lot of this piece comes from the fact that the commander is doing x action. If it's written in such a way that the commander isn't directly referenced as the instigator, it becomes weaker, and the commander becomes weaker as a consequence. Keep things clear and concise, and work on your word order to keep things from getting confusing. Commas are temptresses, but we don't honestly need as many as we think we do.