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[Kicior]

When will next update come?

[Stworca]

Spoiler: Silly Greeks (click to show/hide)

- Sir, we need your decision regarding Egypt and Seleucid.
Ah yes, i made the people of our nation vote.
- Yes.. about that.. It's tied. It's as tied as it goes without including bondage.
What about our relations with Egypt and Seleucid? Surely one of them must be hostile to us, thus provoking glorious war..
- Not exactly..



They agree to ALL our proposals, and offer gifts..!? What is this..!? Did their armies wipe each other out entirely?
- No, sir. They still have crushing number advantage over us.
I guess i'll have to toss a coin, and let it de-
- Sir, we use rocks as our currency..
But the spoils of war...
- We trade them for rocks, as instructed by you, sir.
How am i supposed to decide then..
: Ohh.. Greeks are attacking. More skulls to make mugs from!


Very well, i shall decide later. For now, let us greet Greeks with..
- Grain and grace?
..GRAVEL!
- Sir, for this fight we suggest to use the tactic that we have alread-
*SMACK*
ARMENIANS NEVER USE THE SAME TACTICS TWICE! Here is what i've drawn yesterday, while drinking and riding my horse.. We shall use it for our current battle!
- What were you trying to draw, sir?
A circle.



Mercenaries : But.. which way does the bigger army come from?
: Are you bothering me with details again? I'm trying to write a song here!
Mercenaries : Sir, this..
: Form a circle, or something! Now.. what rhymes with decapitation..? Graduation..? Not cheerful enough!


Soo.. what about Slagathor, i've heard she found herself a madman.
- Yes. Justin the Once Happy.
Justin the Ex-Sane?
- Justin the Suicidal
Slagathor von Bergfreude : WHO'S TALKING ABOUT MY BABY!?
(Justin the Suicidal) : I cut myself sometimes, so that i can feel something else than sadness.




Wait.. what has happened?! Rainbow? Did he..?
Mercenaries : The Greeks are closing in! What should we do!? Our cavalry is nowhere to be found!
Mercenary #581 : RUN TO THE HILLS!


: STAND YOUR GROUND!.. la la.. who leaves the battle. will die without a sound.. Catchy!




: I should add something about olives too.. I like olives. Wait.. They fight to the death!? YAY!



- They flee, sir!
This i see.. I guess their general was the only thing binding them together. Just like i am the only thing stopping you fools from running of a cliff or charging phalanx head on!
- But what could possibly go wr-
*SMACK*



Mercenaries : Should we charge the escaping forces?
: And do stabbing wounds to the chest hurt?
Mercenaries : ..CHARGE!


: I can't wait to tell my wife how fun the war is, and bring her a souvenir.. A pretty head (movie spoiler?!?!?!? OUTRAGE!)


- Sir, the Greeks have an offer for us.
What is it this time? Ceasefire offer? I think they have seen enough of Armenian might for now, agre--
- See it yourself, Supreme Leader.
Very well, i shall speak with the diplomat...


..Masseur?
- Yes, sir?
Do we have any guards in the palace?
- Yes, sir. We can now afford some, so i recruited a few.
Very kind of you.. Have this man executed, slowly, and Pergamum population completely wiped out... The dinner was splendid by the way, your cooking skills are improving!
- Thank you, sir.
No need for formalities. Please, call me... Supreme Leader..


(Falcon the Lazy) : Yo, Supreme Leader. The decision to not attack Egypt before Pontus is out sure was fancy. It's my 5th year of vacation. (that's all your fault, voters!)
I hate the way he talks.. Can i..
- No, supreme leader. It would cause unrest.


: Kaguro attacks Pontus on the field. Siege is boring.
..Very well. The sooner we deal with Pontus, the sooner FALCON WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO CHARGE EGYPTIAN ARMIES AND DIE FOR MY AMUSEMENT!
- This one is very big..
No need to be shy, you can touch it..
- Uhh.. yes.. i mean the Pontic army..
Ah yes, the army. But..
- No, it's not.
STONE DAMN YOU!

Spoiler: AND TOMORROW, WE'LL DINE AT SLAGATHOR'S (click to show/hide)

- Pontic army is large enough to make any small-scale maneuvering difficult. We also have..
..Mercenary Infantry..
- What shall be the battle plan?
Let me see... *shuffle shuffle*... ah yes. I spilled some drinks on this piece of paper, the patterns appear to make sense.


..here my nose started bleeding.. see this big blob here? Let's pretend it's Pontus infantry.. Now, when i bend it like this..


..and this paper here..
- What is this handwriting on the other side?
This? Oh.. i appear to have forgotten to send this letter of recommendation for Kaguro.. No wonder he didn't make it to the Stone Academy.. My bad?


: Units, form up!
Mercenary Infantry : Why are we in the middle again?
: Uhh.. to slow down enemy charge.
Mercenary Infantry : We will do our best, sir!


Mercenary Infantry : Which group of enemies are we to slow down?
The three thousand that charge us as we speak.
Mercenary Infantry : ..balls..



: Woof! WOOF! (Someone has told me that people don't understand what Hound is saying, so i shall translate) The foul-mouthed enemies are charging our right flank with chariots (HOW COULD YOU PEOPLE NOT GET THIS?!?!?)
: Can you use it in a sentence?



: Battle too big, me confused.
ARGH! You stone damned mongrel! Let me.. oh.. uh.. battle is too big, me confused.. I'll direct the archers, yell when the enemies are too close on the left wing.
: Woof, woof. Bark, woof, bark. Woof *drool* *drool* (translation) : Yes, sir.



: BARK! (not sure.. He's either saying that enemies approach, or wondering what's the meaning of life.. in latin.. )
Kaguro? How's the situation?
: Kaguro fine.
..and the enemies?
: Very close, attacking Kaguro.
..BE GLAD THIS ISN'T CRUSADER KINGS! I WOULD HAVE YOU RULE A SHITHOLE LIKE LONDO-
(Stworca : Stay in character, fool!)
..oh.. sorry.. what i meant to say, is : STONE DAMN YOU!



How's the middle doing?
Mercenary #18 : That depends.. How much blood can a human lose befo-- ugh... *dies*
Oh.. i see..



Everything is fine so far. Let us..


..balls..

Spoiler: Pontus is the weakest link (click to show/hide)

Ok, i think i got this..


Mercenaries : RUN TO THE HILLS!
(Benny..) : Hell no! Run the other way!


- Sir, what about Kaguro?
He may be a retard, but he maneuvers just like his father. Don't worry about him.


Cataphract Archer #3 : One of their cavalry units..
Cavalry Group 3 : We're on them! Yo-HO-HO!


Ok then, back to Kagu-- What are they doing?! OUTRAGE!



- ...
: ...
: ...
It appears, that by killing them we put them out of their misery.. How retarded are they!?


- Their King! He..
Don't worry, i've hired someone to take care of him.



: Now break rest of Pontus!


The battle is as good as won..
http://mediweb.pl/forums/viewtopic.php/images/smiles/new_rainbow.gif : I want to make a few paintings from the battlefield!
Slagathor von Bergfreud : He's so romantic!

Spoiler: Easy part is officially over (click to show/hide)

Are you ready?
Hooded Figure : Yes, my lord.
Good, proceed with the assassination of their king.
*Hooded figure leaves*
- Who was that..?
His name was..


(the best assassin-horse in business)

With their king eliminated, we can finally take Mazaka!
- Sir.. Slagathor and Rainbow have already..
Oh stone..



- With Pontus destroyed, it is time for you to make a decision, Sir.
Ah yes.. The votes were.. (6 votes for B, 6 votes for C, 6 votes for E, 5 votes for A, 5 votes for D.. i mean what the hell!?)
- A difficult choice, Supreme Leader.
No.. It's not.
Rainbow.
: Sir?
Secure Helicarnassus, Sardis, and sail to Alexandria.
: Yes, Sir.


Falcon, you lazy pile of horse manure! Take Justin and head west, to Jerusalem.
: Balls.. Yo.


Finally, Hound. You, Dsarker and Tyler strike Tarsus, and head for Antioch. (Kaguro's unit suffered severe losses while taking Mazaka and beating last enemy half-stack)


Others will secure our northern border and soon strike Byzantium..
It is time for war.
TOTAL WAR

Spoiler: Current Map with our plans, Family tree (map is big, watch out) (click to show/hide)

[Digital Hellhound]

: Woof woof, bark, *drool*, woof! (Translation: Can't wait to see how you'll do in the next update!)

[Stworca]

Here are some problems that await us.


This "glorious" income is with all cities on yellow or blue (aka : can not go any higher with taxes)
Three of our spies died trying to get to Antioch (balls) Army group "Antioch" will have to do it the hard way.
These Greek armies will bleed us dry, and we have no replacements ready. Rainbow was, is, and will be leading a merc army. Army Group "Alexandria" will be halted for a long while.
The Greek FLEET is a bigger problem though. We have a grand total of ONE ships... It's surrounded and steering wheel deep in shit.
Another problem : Army Group "Jerusalem" can not siege cities.. no infantry.
Lastly, only two of our cities are heavily fortified and protected by garrisons. Susa and Kotais. Should Seleucid forces sneak through mountains, Greeks land in Nicomedia or Scythians go for anything other than Kotais..  avoiding our armies, not much can stop them. I use watchtowers to scout for such dangers, but should AI roll 6's in their intelligence check, i will be with my pants down.

[Dsarker]

Of course I'm the heir! I'm the first son of the current king...oh, wait, no I'm not....how did I become the heir, by the way?

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

So, am I in yet? You said I'd get a name change.

[Stworca]

So, am I in yet? You said I'd get a name change.

Nah Necaj the Backward. All the clues are there, you know 

Of course I'm the heir! I'm the first son of the current king...oh, wait, no I'm not....how did I become the heir, by the way?

Maybe at that time i thought you'd be a promising general in the future, but you can not spread wings if there is a better commander in ze army. Since Kaguro got his face smashed at Mazaka siege (not shown in the LP because it was boring) he'll wait there till we build another army group and you'll have a chance to show off your cohones facing Seleucid.

[Dsarker]

This LP has got me thinking about doing a M2TW LP.

[Samio]

[Stworca]

It appears that aside from the two stacks that i've spotted out right, Greeks have two MORE stacks in the boats around us.
I auto-battled Greeks near Helicarnassus (without General, not to risk Rainbow) and.. well, we won.. but.. We no longer have an army there.  (expletive deleted) auto-battle.
Damn Seleucid got cocky and sent all their stacks to Antioch in one, big "FU ARMENIA" movement.

But there are also some good things happening.

..god damn auto-battle..    Why did i auto-battle? Fighting ANOTHER full stack of hoplites + hoplites (+hoplites) and knowing that there are 5 more to go (one of the boats has armored hoplites + archers + generals stack..) .. i just didn't feel too enthusiastic about it. Mistake.

Also : I've noticed a huge drop in viewer interest! If there is something wrong with the LP, dear viewer, point it out. Constructive criticism shall fuel this LP! OI!

@ Samio.
Shall we ever find a nation of dentists in RTW, we'll wipe them all out WITH STONES!

[EmperorNuthulu]

I think most people are in awe of you actually getting this far. Also, An idea that's popped into my head for your next Rome total war LP, If you do one is either do a mod (There's quite a few good ones) or play Barbarian Invasion.

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

We ran out of good things to say. This LP rocks. Literally.

Ninja!

[Stworca]

Barbarian Invasion.

I don't like the Horde idea in BI. I mean : Sure, Huns and a few others should have a 10-stack strong army roaming around, but crappy minor (at that time) "powers" like Burgundy?! NO!

I also prefer somewhat larger campaigns. Where you don't plan for the next 5 turns, but instead for the next 100.

BI is not an option, except maybe for the historical battles.

[EmperorNuthulu]

Hmm, perhaps Rome total Realism, Europa Barborum or Romus Surrectum two then. I know that Romus Surrectum two has a huge map. And I mean Huuuuuge!

[monk12]

I await the new update with bated breath- hence the lack of commenting