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[Stworca]

Spoiler: Index (click to show/hide)

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7 "Dick Mountainjoy"
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11 "Santa"
Part 12  East R' Us
Part 13 Snowflake in Vulcan's Forge
Part 14 Unfinished Business
Part 15 Unwashed Barbarians
Part 16 Marian Reforms

"So there is a country called Armenia in Rome : Total War!?"

Yes, there is. I was surprised too, but there is an Armenia!
So? You want to know more about Armenia in RTW?!

• Armenia is dirt poor. We eat rocks and drink sand
• Armenia starts with no ports
• Armenia is surrounded by stronger countries
• Armenia is surrounded by larger countries
• Armenia is surrounded by richer countries
• Armenia gets attacked by all those stronger, larger and richer countries that surround it
• Armenia is attacked by everyone else too
• Armenia is isolated
• Armenia has no intro of its own
• Armenia has the worst farming population growth in the game
• Armenia shall take over the entire world
• All enemy generals are fools.

Spoiler: Armenia Total War Intro (click to show/hide)

A few clicks (after unlocking the faction in config files) and we see this glorious information! GLORIOUS i tell you!


Here we can see Armenian entertainment centers, as well as our capital city with half it's population. The other half harvest rocks and sand as we speak, for Armenian glory!


Take a look at our glorious nation, traveler. Our mighty cities with impassable walls. Our endless rock plantations (some heretics and infidels call them mountains.. Bah! CURSE THEM AND THEIR ANCESTORS!) There are also some trees, but we know not what to do with them, other than feed our animals with them.


Our Kotais regiment is mighty, and never lost a fight. What? Have we ever fought with anyone..? This question is irrelevant!


Outside of Kotais we station our army's core. Unlike Kotais regiment, they use no puny infantry with their fancy sticks. Bows and horses are the answer to everything! Our numbers are uncountable! (or was it unaccountable..? I never could understand what they wanted..)


Finally there is our mighty, immortal leader! Statue of beauty, glory and perfection! He sits on his golden throne in Artaxarta, where he makes all the rocks-related decisions, for the glory of Armenia!


We shall advance in all directions and conquer the entire world! Except north.. They don't have any nice taverns north.

The updates may be irregular. I know for sure that tomorrow we will have none!
Oh.. The LP is - of course - interactive. We have 3 generals, a spy and a diplomat at the moment.

[sonerohi]

Conquer westwards, onto that peninsula sort of thing. It looks like a good place to harvest rocks and sand, given that it is on the water and should have a beach.

[Tyler6498]

Word is Romans have massive rock walls, these should be taken when we grow strong enough for we can dismantle and eat them!

[Johnfalcon99977]

Conquer westwards, onto that peninsula sort of thing. It looks like a good place to harvest rocks and sand, given that it is on the water and should have a beach.

You mean the Crimean peninsula? Well, I agree.

Then conquer northwards and find the Amazons at the top of the map.

Don't forget to make me a general.

[KaguroDraven]

I would like to be our Heir if possible, an Heir who fights on the front lines specificly. SAND AND WENCHES FOR EVERYONE!

[Stworca]

I would like to be our Heir if possible, an Heir who fights on the front lines specificly. SAND AND WENCHES FOR EVERYONE!

As Armenia the front lines are everywhere, and everyone is at the front lines! (i kid you not, everything that moves will DOW us in a few updates)

You mean the Crimean peninsula? Well, I agree.

Then conquer northwards and find the Amazons at the top of the map.

and

Conquer westwards, onto that peninsula sort of thing. It looks like a good place to harvest rocks and sand, given that it is on the water and should have a beach.

We shall advance in all directions, and conquer all! But in the first turns it's crucial to take out everything that is east of our position. I'm cutting the images for next update as we speak! AYE!

Word is Romans have massive rock walls, these should be taken when we grow strong enough for we can dismantle and eat them!

Rock walls?! That's insanity! INSANITY! We shall dismantle and eat all of them.

[KaguroDraven]

Sounds fun, I'll enjoy watching the enemy die to our hands! Then we shall feast on the rocks they kept hidden from us.
Also, there are rumors the Greeks and Romans have an odd white rock they make their 'holy' structures out of, it is strong yet maliable, they call it 'marble', it would be a delicacy!

[Johnfalcon99977]

If you must conquer the east, conquer it for Nyan Cat and Stone!
^{I've been waiting to use that Nyan Cat Link.}

[EmperorNuthulu]

 No go west into Turkey, but don't go south to the Egyptians. Egyptian military... *shudder*.

 EDIT: Also good luck with this, you've picked one of the hardest factions in the game. Oh and hope you don't have to fight Marian Reform romans, and if you do abuse cataphracts.

[Stworca]

Spoiler: 270 BC, 269 BC (click to show/hide)

Our spy reports that there is a primitive civilization south of us! Some nomadic barbarians from the looks of it.


Our sneaky spy has stolen some strange blueprints. It seems that the barbarian Seleucid perfected the art of building something called "roads". They use stone to strengthen these 'roads' in unstable places. Whatever that may mean.. Our engineers are working on roads as we speak.


South is not our current target at this moment! Eventually, Armenia shall rule all, but there are some stones to the east. Our glorious army found a primitive city! We shall use the usual Armenian diplomatic tactic, and raze their city to the ground! PRAISED BE ART.. ARK.. AXK.. OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!


Our warriors are too valuable though, and so we shall recruit some useless mercenaries. The mercenaries will be used as shields, against enemy missile attacks, cavalry charges and perhaps even as comfy pillows for when we camp on the desert. They will also push around siege equipment, and thin out burning oil reserves of the enemy. After our glorious conquers are done, these pathetic barbarians will serve as city guards. (3 attack, 7 defense.. These mercs are pathetic, but they slow down cavalry charges, and can take on Cataphracts. There's also 240 of them. Helps encircling enemy generals)


Our gold supplies are endless, and so..
- Supreme leader! We're nearly broke.
WHAT?! All i did build were roads! Take him, and cut off his head!
- But supreme leader, we had to sell the body guards in order to buy the mercenaries.
Stone damn you!


At least our roads are ready. I still don't understand what they may be used for, but the traders seem overjoyed. Perhaps pushing a heavy cart in the sand is not the most efficient way of traveling after all..


Our spy reports that the southern tribe is very large, and occupies quite a few cities. Surely the towns are of Armenian origin, these barbarians live on OUR lands! This hostile desert is OURS!


Advance the 9th Army to take the Barbarian city to the west!
- Sir, we only have two forces out there, and neither can be called an army
Well then, advance SOMETHING!


What do our spies see in the city!? Ah yes, just some useless mercenaries and slow, poor, horse-less foot archers! Today no Armenian shall die!

Spoiler: Das First Ziege (click to show/hide)

Just look at this primitive town! Who would live in such a small, isolated and tavern-less village?!
- Sir, you were born here
...WHAT?! Wait.. yeah.. I can see my house from here.


Let us reclaim what rightfully belongs to us!


The mercenaries will be useless in this fight. There are no heavy objects to push around, so they will stay out of this fight. Cataphracts will also not take part in this. We do not wish them to be in danger. The useless mercenaries can guard our heavily armored cavalry elite.


Barbarians are known to be stupid, mostly because they're not Armenians, so we'll trick them! BEGIN OPERATION POONTANG PIE!


The silly barbarians will advance to strike our forces, and we'll overwhelm them with our arrows! Wait.. These are archers that approach! ABORT the operation! ABORT!


Wait.. the archers are far away from their infantry.. Heavy cavalry! Advance!


Random Stupid, Non-Armenian, Barbaric Archer : Umm.. Fellow barbarian archer? I believe this is heavy cavalry that is charging us.. Shouldn't we... Umm.. What was the word..? BLLLAEEEERGGHHH


Ha! The archers are dealt with, and our brave warriors aren't even scratched! And look! Their pathetic infantry approaches! Retreat!


Ha! Our military genius has predicted this! ALL OF IT!


All Armenians participating in the ambush : Surprise!


Our arrows will blot out the sun!
- Sir, the copyright..
Not this again! And look at our skirmishers.. They throw javelins at each other! What is this?!


Useless skirmishers! CAVALRY! ADVANCE!


Yes! Our mighty nations has crushed the enemies! We've lost no one!
- Sir, the skirmishers..
You must have a horse to be Armenian!

Spoiler: 269 BC (click to show/hide)

That's enough slaves to last us a lifetime! The gold is also aplenty!


Merge our two strike forces! I wish the next barbarian city to be razed even faster!
- Sir, our spies report another primitive civilization to the east!
What? But it's the edge of the world!
- Apparently not! There are some armies stationing to the east of our newest claim.


- Sir! Our southern spy has found another barbaric tribe! The so called Egyptians!


- Also the.. "diplomat" you've sent on an exile towards western wastelands, reported that there are more tribes present, and he also notified us that the sand there is delicious.
What?! Show me his message! Ah yes, it's his stone-carving style. Send someone north! We might be the center of the world after all!


- Mighty ruler! One of the barbarian tribes wishes to speak with us!
What?! They can talk!? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
- Sir?
I had planned to invade them, and slaughter everyone so that us Armenians had more places to visit during out vacation..
- A glorious plan, my lord!
Yes, but now.. They are civilized.. So we can first trade our useless gold, diamonds and ancient relics for some exotic rocks! These fools don't know the value of a good stone.. Bring the barbarian in!


Yes.. Trade rights! Naturally!
Why don't you also buy some of our maps! One of them leads to a hidden treasure!



Oh, by agreeing to the above, you also need to give us the maps of all your lands and cities, otherwise our warriors may feel betrayed. They are very sensitive when it comes to treasure maps you know. I can not tell you what they could do..



..what? NO CELEBRATIONS!? This means war! War till one of our nations is completely wiped out.. or till we grow tired of war.. whatever comes first.
Parthian diplomat : Your cities are defenseless!
Of course.. Our army is in the field. Silly barbarian.. Take his head off!
- Sir, the bodyguards.. Sold.. remember?
Advance our army! We need to conquer more territories! Life just isn't the same without needless executions.

[Samio]

Oh my god I love this. 
Kick those Parthians in their sand and rock wasting arses!

[tomas1297]

 Oh god, this is great.

 North has better rock, south has better sand. Decisions, decisions...

[Sheb]

Well, West has lots of both. We should go there.

[EmperorNuthulu]

I would say go north sheerly to deal with the Scythians. If you leave them for too long they start going mongol horde on you....

[Sheb]

So'll the Roman, Egyptian and Pontus. I love this game.