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[Icee77]

GO EZEKIAL!

[Kicior]

Yay Romans! I hope they join the !!FUN!! quickly. Finally something different than these phalnax-only armies.

[Stworca]

Played for a few turns, and made quite a bit screenshots for the next update. Now i'll edit them.. Soon (perhaps tomorrow) the next update will be ready! World's Population gets cut down in just a few turns. Thousands upon thousands die.

Seleucid, Greeks and Egypt are all more powerful than us. Time to change it. 

New poll has been added.

Hmm.. from 204 screenshots i'll be using only 34.

[Sheb]

You want to attack Rome? Did you finish Seuleucid, Egypt AND Greece?

[Stworca]

You want to attack Rome? Did you finish Seuleucid, Egypt AND Greece?

Does it matter?! ARMENIA CONQ--- (wait for the next update  , will be posted today. It will clear a thing or two. Also note the "Once.." in poll question.)
It will also reveal who leads Armenian armies from behind the scenes. Legends say, he still lives till this day. You wouldn't suspect him to be the bringer of destruction.

Oi!

[Sheb]

I still vote for the "wait for 5 turns". Just so we can field epic all-cataphract armies. And build up our economy a little. Right now, it seems we're only cutting it even because of the pillaging.

[Dsarker]

Your thread convinced me to crack open my R:TW discs to play again...


Then when I found that the expansion I got a year ago just had the normal R:TW on it, I almost gave it back up.

[Strange guy]

I forgot we were playing Rome: Gently Nuzzle the Greeks into Submission, oh wait we aren't. There was only really one choice in the poll for me considering the name. Anyway I tend to play Total War games quite slowly or badly, so I want to see a different play style.

[Stworca]

I forgot we were playing Rome: Gently Nuzzle the Greeks into Submission, oh wait we aren't.

Wait, what? Am i advancing too slowly, kind viewer? You want more conquering, fighting with the entire world and call me a coward?!?!?!

THAT'S THE SPIRIT! 

[Digital Hellhound]

You need to send diplomats to every last faction in the game and declare war. You're doing too well right now.

Wait, no, I mean
: Bark, bark, woof! *Drool*, bark, bark!

[EmperorNuthulu]

 I still say we need to sail a ship and conquer Britannia, or even sicily since it's closer.

[Stworca]

(it refers to the first image in the entire LP, quotation of Mencius
This Update aims at breaking the fourth wall. A lot of combat is happening, but we focus on other things. The true identity of Armenia's leader may be a surprise to some, but really.. Nobody has specified what exactly is he doing in the 364 OTHER days of the year. Leading a bloodthirsty empire of stone-worshiping madmen is as good bet as any.. Especially before the year 0 (A.D?).
Everything about him is a lie, even the date of when he scours the earth is wrong.
Did you know that Armenians celebrate it 6th of January? Me neither.
Without further ado : )

Spoiler: Road to Rhodes (click to show/hide)

Egyptian Diplomat : How dare you attack our lands!
Masseur, have you left his cage unlocked?
Egyptian Diplomat : THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT A DIPLOMAT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?
Let me tell you the story of an ancient hero of Armenia, one that - legends say - still roams the land. A story, about ME.

His armor was red, his beard long and white.
Two weapons - large sickles - he swung with great might.
His chariot bound eight large and strange beasts,
each of these daily on the weak would feast.
His warcry, three loud "Ho's", froze more than one foe.
Their heads were then smashed by his mighty toe.
Gifts of war he-- *interrupted by tactless Egyptian diplomat*


Egyptiant Diplomat : Cut the crap, Santa, our mighty Pharaoh will crush you!
Bend over, and i'll show you what i think of your Pharaoh!

- Sir! Admiral Rockhard brings news of great victories!
Ah! Investing all our income into building navy has paid off then?
- Yes, mighty leader. We've caught the second Greek transport fleet, that had an entire army aboard. (that's right, i've sunk BOTH Greek armies)


This means that..
- Yes, Road to Rhodes is finally open.
Ha! Hahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
: Keep it down! I'm trying to re-assemble a skull here.. Isn't that right, mr chuckles?
- Mister chuckles is..
: The skull i'm re-assembling.
Rainbow is one of the generals that will never be forgotten, although we will all keep trying.
: Yo, Egyptizzle attackizzle our positizzle.
- Is he even using his brain?
Well.. I see the wheel spinning, but the hamster appears to be dead.


..Yet, he is our greatest general.. (just look at the stars he gained!)
- Sweet irony, sir?
It's bitter.
: *keeps izzling*
- Can not understand a single word..
Then let us hope that this deformed dialect dies with him. AFTER he captures Jerusalem!


Each day, i wish for a normal general to appear. However. No matter what i sacrifice on an altar, the stone gods still refuse my request. Masseur, it seems that you are the only thing left, that...
(General Beardfacé) : I like to crush the souls of my enemies.
Oh.. Well, lead our forces in Antioch, promising one.


: Any survivors?
: Woof.
: Round them up, and beat to death with sticks.
- Sir..?
I LOVE HIM!
(in case you forgot : Leibovitz): Re vera, potas bene (I was aiming at : Say, you sure drink a lot)
Oh.. i know the answer to that one.. eee... Braccae illae... virides cum subucula rosea et tunica.. Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur! (Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!) Damn i'm good! Master of all speeches!
: Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur (Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.)
OUT! OUT, BEFORE I EXILE YOU!
- Sir, Leibovitz is already a diplomat..
SILENCE!


- Sir, our forces have landed and are about to cleanse Rhodes.


Splendid!
- However, a Greek diplomat is here, trying to bribe us into ceasefire.
Foolish Greeks. Unless they brought flying carpets, i want them kicked out of OUR lands!
- Sir, they..
No! I've made my decision. Send them away.
- As you wish, my lord.
Greek Diplomat : He won't even see me?! OUTRAGE! I shall take the flying carpet and leave!


: Kaguro got a new tittle! Kaguro super-important now.
..the CUNNING?! Now i've seen it all.


- His face.. Gray beard.. How old is he anyway, sir?
Nobody knows, because Kaguro can't count that high.
: Uh.. we use archers, infantry protect, only cavalry move.
- Yet he IS a very capable general, who has mastered the art of war.
Scary, isn't it?


- Kaguro, along with other generals, has crushed enemy reinforce--
I'm tired of Phalanx battles, let it run without my interference. Just show me the results.


: I pity these hoplites..
WHAT did he say!? WHAT IS GOING O-- Oh my..


- It appears the battle was won, and that by destroying all forces, we have a free way into the city.


Which units did the best job?
- Cretan foot archers.
... Damn! (yes, folks, Cretan mercenaries can be THAT good)


: Rhodes be ours, and.. Me wants a raise.
..sigh.. All right, i'll pay you twice as much as i do now.
: Uhh.... But Kaguro not getting paid at all.
Ok, ok, three times as much.
: Yay!


Damn generals are just like children..
And children are like farts.. You can stand only your own ones.
: Did he..?
Slagathor von Bergfreud : Just nod, Beardfacé. Nod and move along.

Spoiler: ..Onward Donner, Onward Blitzen... (click to show/hide)

: Ah, Alexander, we meet again!
Alexander the Fool (twin brother of Alexander the Retarded, that was slain earlier) : This time we brought elephants! My brother shall be avenged!
: Brother..? You Seleucid all look the same to me. May the strongest Armenian win.
Alexander the Fool : Yes, let.. wait a minute!


Random Seleucid Soldier - Alexander the Infantryman : Sir..? Sir, the battle has started..
Alexander the Fool: ..or did he suggest that i have Armenian roots too? Perhaps..
Alexanders Advisor, Alexander the Advisor : Sir, shouldn't we block Armenian advance at the bridge?


Alexander the Infantryman : By the gods! There's just so many of them.. The arrows..! They blot out the---
Persian Official : Don't you dare!
Alexander the Advisor : They charge! General, soun.. oh my.. RUN!
Alexander the Fool : ..Maybe he confused me for someone else..? Per-- BLAEEEERGHHH


: How did the Seleucid build and maintain an empire anyway?
We may never know.


- Sir, Antioch is an amazing city! Their armories allow us to recruit more cataphract archers!
Yes, it must be one of our own, claimed by these barbarians centuries ago. Move our capital here! I want a better view from my office window.


- Supreme leader, one of merchants has brought us enough information about enemy troops, for us to make a graph.
Very well, present it to me... hmm.. how do i read it?
- I don't even know what a graph is, sir.
It's useless then, throw it away. (look at them lines! LOOK AT THEM! MMM YEAH! *fap fap fap*.. wait.. am i writing this?! ABORT ABOR--)

Many of our own numbers are eastern mercenaries (240 each group) and peasants (240 each group) at 'safe' cities, as well as heavy garrisons at Kotais, Susan and Pergamum (6-10 units each with archers and merc hoplites / heavy spearmen) Our actual army-army is about 40% of that.

- Sir! SIR!
What is it, masseur?
- Our scouts at Seleucia, they..
Uncovered a hidden entrance to the fortress?!
- No.. They're under attack...


WHAT?! Our forces are not ready to aid them.. Damn Seleucid! Our information is leaking out somewhere..
Second Palace guard, the one that isn't a Scythian spy : *smirk*
The guard is right, it must be Kaguro!
- Sir, the scouts..
Right, let's deal with this problem first.
- It appears that foolish Seleucid have sent their phalanx first, with general marching around, through other gate.


..Imagine, if the enemies were smart enough to..
Seleucid Spy-Guard : *Listens carefully*
uhh.. brain freeze.. ..what was i talking about? Ah yes, shot arrows till they drop.


- They retreat, supreme leader. However, their general is advancing swiftly.
Wait a minute.. Of course! I'M BRILLIANT!
- What, sir? What should the troops do?
What troops? I'm thinking about a new Armenian sport : Stoning. Each team gets a set of stones and-
- Sir! The battle!
What.. ah.. yes.. Have the cavalry charge behind the retreating Seleucid, and bypass the gates.


- This IS brilliant!
I told you! And the best part is : we can also use stoning as punishment!


- I've meant..
Of course some barbaric countries already use it, but we, civilized Armenians would throw only high quality stones, that meet 252BC Stone & Sand norms.


There will also have to be a few rules, like : no running while stoning someone, you could fall and injure yourself. Stoning should be a safe, family-friendly activity.


- Sir?
Yes?
- We won.
Won what?
- Nevermind, supreme leader.
(this was one of the most ridiculous victories i've ever had)


: Woof. Bark, Bark.
I bow to your cunning, Hound.
- What? What did he say?
Our sneaky General will siege Hatra with only a handful of soldiers, while army group Antioch advances south. The Seleucid Army that was inside is marching to Seleucia, only a handful soldiers remains inside.
- He said that.. with three barks?
What? Of course not. He also listed all the pro's and con's of his strategy, and expected results.


If only we--
Egyptian Diplomat : STOP RIGHT THERE!
What is it now?
Egyptian Diplomat : Aren't you supposed to be a happy, cheerful man that gives presents, and has cute reindeer--
But i DO have a few reindeer. Let me demonstrate you :

Onward Slaughter, Onward Murder..
Egyptian Diplomat : BY PHARAOH! Petra was lost!


..Onward Genocide, Onward Bloodbath..
Egyptian Diplomat : Sidon infiltrated by spies?! NOOO!



Egyptian Diplomat : Aren't your reindeer supposed to be named Donner, Blitzen, Ru--
- Only 6th of January.
Yes.. where was i..?
Ah yes.. Onward Rainbow..
Egyptian Diplomat : Rainbow? But that's a cheerful name.
Oh, he's cheerful all right.


: Why aren't Egyptians happy..? I'll have to TEACH them to be happy.

Will "Ho, ho, ho" ever sound the same?

[KaguroDraven]

Rainbow is our old pal Stinky Wizzleteets? He'll teach us to be happy!

[Stworca]

Rainbow is our old pal Stinky Wizzleteets? He'll teach us to be happy!

Actually it referred to Alora in BG1, both however referred to Burl Ives.. so a good catch nonetheless.

Still i'd wish to hear more feedback about the update, as it was.. different.
Don't be afraid, viewers, all my rage is gone (i watched some sports, and the team i think i was supposed to cheer for has lost. Although i'm not entirely sure which sport event i've watched. THey all look the same)

[Hanzoku]

I'm enjoying the cheerful Armenian murder of all the non-rockeating FOOLS!. I'm looking forward to when you meet up with the roman legions... and then crush them under the weight of your stones.