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[gumball135]

Also, adolescent vampire? Vampires will grow up in the DF world? (and then someone will link the "Our Vampires Are Different" trope).

...

Anywho, nice story, Threetoe. You have some really great ideas in there.

[Varjo]

Very nice, liked a lot! Sir Threetoe has magnificent imagination and ability to create new ideas.

Suggestion: Could we have one or more (anti)heroes who would not die in story? Like Conan or something I really would like to read about a character who could develop on and on in new stories - like a game character in game. He could have items and abilities from previous stories and he could lose them in another or so...

Cheers!

[PsychoBuck]

First up, and least important, I suppose; the title was a bit plain. Certainly not thought-provoking or symbollic; just really a depiction of the monster. Kind of like calling a slasher movie "A Madman Running Around with a Hatchet".

The writing style was okay (vocabulary etc.) if fairly conventional (cloak blowing open in the wind, etc.).

I did find, however, that the storyline did not perhaps make all the sense in the world. What it looks like is that the author had an idea in his head he was pretty excited with, and wrote down a story that made perfect sense to him-- what with his possession of what amounts to background knowledge-- but isn't neccessarily so clear when read by someone who Didn't create the universe in which it takes place. Entirely possible that I'm just a moron, but personally I would've liked certain nuggets of information to be made more clear-- why he's apparently indestructable when he's fighting the demon for the first time (he DID get pretty seriously stabbed), and yet perfectly hangable when the villagers get a bit cross (I get that perhaps he's just invincible at night time, but y'know... Tell us that).

I think perhaps a device would’ve been useful to indicate that the ghost is not, in fact, killed when Albert (^.^, Albert) stabs him and the sun comes up (by the way, one would think the villagers would be mightily confused if the sun rose early, but apparently not?); I don’t know, a wisp of particulate streaming away from the body of the corpse, observed with surprise by Albert? Whatever, I don’t know.

Also didn't see what was going on with the demon's heart-- it turns into a salamander, he puts it in his pocket and turns it to crystal. Later it starts writhing and when he pulls his hand out of his pocket (for apparently no reason-- I assume he was being compelled somehow, but he seemed pretty unfazed by the development) the salamander which may or may not have been made of crystal is suddenly a ring-- which Dandelion grabs straight away.

That brings me to my next point. The villagers in general are a little unbelievable-- Mr. Sods suddenly goes all agape when the stranger flashes a smile with a golden tooth-- even if that's uncommon, it's not exactly brainwipingly obscure. If I saw someone with a solid platinum fingernail (which I’ve never heard of before), I’m sure I’d be mildly curious, but I wouldn’t shit myself. They have strangely conflicting emotions (“WE ALL HATE YOU BUT PLEASE KILL THE DEMON AGAIN OR WE WILL ALL HATE YOU”), but my main beef villager-wise is Dandelion. “Look at me, I’m a silly bint, I’ll fall for you with no provocation despite the fact you’re a total asshole—oh, you have a ring? Of course I’ll marry you!”. I don’t particularly want to go into the unfair representation of women in literature because I would get torn to shreds and nobody would listen anyway, this being a heftily male-dominated forum… On the Internet… But personally, I just really found the character hard to come to grips with.

Basically, the recurring theme is, your idea was good and pretty interesting (the antihero protagonist was a cool device), but the execution lacked finesse. I would recommend taking longer to write stories and Definitely getting someone you haven’t spoken to about the plot to test-read it for you. Someone you can trust to be objective, mind.

TL;DR: LOL COOL STORY BRO

Nice review. I don't feel strongly about the "living embodiment of a trophy" as she was placed as little more than a background character and a drive for the protagonist. I do wish all forum members would write as thorough as this. Except for the brainless "LOL COOL STORY BRO" bit.

[puke]

conversely, you could have the same main character die in different ways at the end of each story.  sort of like Aeon Flux.

all joking aside, this story was awesome as always.  I feel like the writing style changes a bit with each story, and I enjoy seeing Threetoe explore new areas.  This one felt like it stuck to some pretty solid formulas, and treated them well.  The nature of the monster was a supprise, but the general (anti)heroic saga was very familiar. 

I've commented in the past that I wish good and evil were not such clearly defined black and white things, and for that reason I really liked this one.  It stuck to the standard fantasy / fairytale tropes of some things being inherantly good or evil, and that mirrors the game mechanics nicely (werewolves wandering from the evil mountain, etc).  But amongst the things that were evil (like the protagonist) his behavior was not nihlistic or sociopathic.  he acted out of self interest, and probably some desire for redemption and/or vengance.  among the things that were good (mayor, fiance) they both took the opportunity to act like certafiable dicks on occasion.

so to repeat, I really liked this one.  I'm okay with the idea that there are some things in the cannonical setting and in Threetoe's writing style that are just inherantly good or evil, and I like that things have their own depth within those categories.  I like the traditional story structure of this one, and the action had enough supprises to keep me interested.  I didnt expect the demon heart to turn into a ring, for example, but the rest played out predictably enough.  which is good, because you dont want to turn a story on its head too many times:  if something is familiar and at least a little predictable, that means its believeable and the characters are sympathetic.

best thing on this one: pacing.  it just felt right.

awesome all around.  keep on keeping on.

[Kogan Loloklam]

I do wish all forum members would write as thorough as this.

If Threetoe comes on and complains about the critique I gave, then I'll go into greater detail. As it stands, I feel my critique was good, because it said exactly what I thought and strikes exactly where I think it needs to strike. Creating tons of extra fluff detail would only dilute my message.

When the house is collapsing, you don't need to hear about how the drapes don't match the rug.

[PsychoBuck]

If Threetoe comes on and complains about the critique I gave, then I'll go into greater detail. As it stands, I feel my critique was good, because it said exactly what I thought and strikes exactly where I think it needs to strike. Creating tons of extra fluff detail would only dilute my message.

When the house is collapsing, you don't need to hear about how the drapes don't match the rug.

Are you talking about being in or out a collapsing house and knowing why a house is collapsing could help prevent collapsing houses in general?

Anyway, I just believe detailed input helps the author as it gives better direction to any improvements rather than showing a general like or dislike. Everyone is free to display their feelings about the story in anyway they like. That comment was just wishful thinking as many don't have the time, patience, or can't quite pinpoint what parts they like or disliked in a form others will understand.

About dandelion: Yeah, she's part of an annoying trend but there are points to note.
-She is not a someone being rescued, she is just a villager just like every other villager. The whole village is being saved anyway.
-Love at first sight is a myth but not unheard of nor an impossibility.(It's usually a folly though.) She might have gained interest in the hunter during those few days or might have wanted a reason to leave the village all along. Lack of character background comes into play.
-Pathetic male characters have appeared(The Evil Squire) and so have strong female characters.(Snatcher)
-This type of character stereotype is rare in threetoes stories.

[Puglin]

Except for the brainless "LOL COOL STORY BRO" bit.

That end bit was a sarcastic commentary on the nature of most, if not all, internet forums =P. "Screw analysis, let's just hurl empty praise".

But then again... never let it be said that I'm unaware of the audience I am catering for. ^.^.

Seriously though, I agree. Surely constructive critiques are useful for an up-and-coming writer.

Re Dandelion: Of course, I agree she was a side character, no more than a device ThreeToe used to facilitate his chosen plotline... But y'know, she's the only woman described at any length in the story, and she's so helpless and hopeless... I don't know, I s'pose it just detracts from the class a little, for me.

But, lol... It's probable that I'm still just a little annoyed at literature in general after all the misogynistic crap I've read lately.

You have to agree, though, on one point; I ain't never met a woman who swoons instantly for the first stranger to walk into town, and then upon their third meeting after about three sentances of shared dialogue in total, takes a ring from said stranger.

Still. I guess that's fiction for ya.

@Psychobuck: Nice review of my review. ^.^.

@That other guy whose name I didn't bother to read correctly:

I resent the implication that my continued (and probably continuing) verbosity could compromise the integrity of any review given. ^.^. That is all.

[Psieye]

Suggestion: Could we have one or more (anti)heroes who would not die in story? Like Conan or something I really would like to read about a character who could develop on and on in new stories - like a game character in game. He could have items and abilities from previous stories and he could lose them in another or so...

But that doesn't feel like DF, where the first reaction to a dwarf trailing his guts around is to try and get it caught between doors. Units (characters) are considered highly expendable and meaningless deaths due to either player mistakes or RNG whims is how DF rolls. The primary purpose of these stories in my view is to show peaks of what the future vision of DF is. It just so happens we can enjoy and critique them as stand alone stories, but to me they are sneak previews of what DF will be like a decade or two down the road.

[SethCreiyd]

Except for the brainless "LOL COOL STORY BRO" bit.

That end bit was a sarcastic commentary on the nature of most, if not all, internet forums =P. "Screw analysis, let's just hurl empty praise".

Well, leaving an in-depth analysis of a story requires time, which many people are short on.  If you like something, it's far quicker to express that in a short sentence than to go into detail about why. 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

That said, I didn't find Dandelion to be helpless in the least.  Rather, I see her as cunning and resourceful; she sees Albert as a very attractive ticket out of lowly old Gofeng and what is likely a marriage she has no desire to be in (a daughter of the noble mayor may have a substantial dowry).  She never shows any interest in Joey as a suitor (at least not when Albert is around).  That doesn't mean she wanted Mr. Sana to die!  Town like this, they probably grew up together.

Sana has obvious connections with the mayor, and given how exotic the villagers find Albert's manner and attire, Suds wasn't kidding when he said they got few visitors.  This stranger shows up, seems to lie about killing a demon, the attacks get worse, and above all he's about to ruin an engagement.  It's no wonder that Sana and the people he lives and works with have a problem with the hero.  It makes sense that they react hostilely to Albert when they do.

I don't think the villagers executed the hero in the end, I think it was the work of the ghost ("Do with him what you will.", especially considering his weeping corpse).  I don't think Albert was portrayed in any invincible sense, or is even showed to be that competent a fighter.  Even when he gets the jump on Jack for the first time he gets himself thrown on the ground with a knife poking into his chest.  His lived is saved by a an incantation, and it takes him a few tries to get the right one.  He gets killed in the end by his own evil, and the shapeshifting demon knows how to arrange it so that he does.

[Puglin]

<3 conflicting analyses. Nice reading!

All good points and I can agree, to a degree, with all of them.
But Dandelion just wasn't cunning enough to be that resourceful, in my eyes (though as Buck said, background knowledge would've put this whole issue to bed).

The sign around Albert's neck ("Witch") seems to indicate that the villagers hung him, unless, of course, the ghost has a sense of humour, which I'm not going to say is impossible.

But, yeah, Dandy must have had Some level of fondness for Joey-- when he approaches her, or rather, the ghost approaches her in his form, she is upset enough to throw away her ring (why she felt her relationship to Albert was in any way compromised by this development is unclear; maybe she just thought it was his fault that the ghost was still lurking, or whatever). Still, it was under her command, and somehow it seems she knew that was linked to the ring, so if she was REALLY that resourceful she would've kept it.

I would've...

=P.

@Buck: Yeah, I haven't read any other stories from ThreeToe so honestly I'm not in a position to make a judgement on the overall representation of gender equality here. Thanks for the insight.

[The Worst Gamer]

I'm definitely a ThreeToe fanboy.

[Azrathud]

I guess we could call this "concept literature."

[jokermatt999]

This story has completely sold me on night creatures now. I thought they'd be a good addition before, but now they seem really awesome. Well done, ThreeToe!

[Yakui]

I loved the story. It also gave me a lot of great ideas for my D&D campaign.

[ThreeToe]

I really want to thank everyone for reading my story.  Obviously, I was going with a spooky theme to match our night creature release.  Hopefully the game receives as much praise as you have given me.  It means a lot.  Thanks for your support!