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[Robocorn]

This update will probably come as a screed against whoever dwarfed me as a talentless cheese maker. The entire turn will focus on this so I hope you like what you've sown.

Diary of Robocorn Groovekeys "Cheese Maker"


8th of Sandstone.

I'm pretty sure that Såkzul was Drunk when he got me this thing. Såkzul is always drunk but maybe he was drunker than usual when he thought I'd want some special little book to write all my special little secrets in I'm guessing it was a joke at my expense. We'll see what I get him for his birthday, maybe a poker to use at his "job".

15th of Sandstone.

So this is what's been making my bed so lumpy for the last week. I'd wondered where I left this thing. I'll have to thank Såkzul for my backache. Not that I need to do any heavy lifting with my job the official clerical registry lists me as a "Cheese maker" I can't begin to fathom why, I've never made a bit of cheese in my entire life. I think the decades long cheese scarcity in Failcannon may be somewhat related to this. In as long as I've been here I've never met another cheese maker in all of Failcannon, and I've been spending a lot of time in the dining hall. I like to joke that maybe some other cheese maker is running my shifts while I mess around at the bar and all my buddies get pissed off at me for never doing any work, except for Såkzul, Såkzul can relate.

20th of Sandstone

Såkzul came out of "work" early to drink with me in the dining hall. We got some dirty looks from a brewer as we emptied the last of the keg. Head him muttering something about leeches. Can't stand the things myself, just like those damned purring maggots, the things creep me the heck out. Maybe that's the "irony" (as Såkzul says) of being a cheese maker who hates the source of Dwarven Cheese. I don't think it's funny at all  I think it's gross, Såkzul can shove his irony where the sun don't shine.

23rd of Sandstone

Some little runts had the gall to interrupt my drink by calling me a useless old cheese head. Little brats are lucky that I'd already sat down or I'd have shown 'em my wrestling skills, though I have been getting a bit rusty over the years. I'm glad Kigok  has shown me the mercy never to grant me children (A wife would be nice though Kigok, any day now.) It's not only little scoundrels that give me a hard time for being a cheesedwarf the brewers the soldiers and even Såkzul give me a hard time. It's not like it was my choice to begin with to be a cheesemaker and it's not my fault there's no cheese (haven't seen a milker in years though the cows trot their muck through the whole damn fort) And what does Såkzul have to brag about? he's a friggin' Wood Burner (Kigok forgive my language) who can't roll over a log in a fireplace? It takes  great heaping loads of skill (presumably) to make cheese that'll make dwarven mouths water all over their beards and stand in line for hours to get more while the stacks of salted demon ganglia grow cold and forgotten. They should be lucky to have me, the next time some snot nosed punk saunters up to me and asks in his throat crackly voice through his short tangled beard
"Eh what do yooou do, you old fart"
I can say
"I'm a Cheese maker goddammit"
and go and pretend to do something somewhere.
Yeah that would show 'em.

28th of Sandstone


I heard some crazy immigrants walked across the outer wall of the fort to get in because they were too impatient to wait for the doors to open. I gotta say if you're impatient to get to Failcannon then there's something wrong with where you were, I asked one of 'em where she was (buxom young beauty named Kikrost) from and she told me all about how she liked bucklers and sardonyx and banshees an some feller named Lur Thiefwitch and how they left because of something called Feta smash day. Even foreign cheese makers get their own days, I bet I could make a fine cheese if I had a few goats around, I just don't have any goat's is all. The babe wouldn't even tell me her surname after she found out I was a cheesemaker (I guess you like sardonics too Kigok)

1st of Timber

Kigok, you must be having some fun with me but I've gotta pray for you to stop. I ran into some old vagrant bag the other day, some crazy old bag who thinks she's the eighth incarnation of some wizard who hides in ore and chose to be in Failcannon for some reason. well she bumps into me and makes me spill my fifth beer of the day on myself Instead of apologizing like she should she calls ME a "lazy oaf" with some snotty air of condescencion like she's not some lunatic broad who hauls stone all day. I tell here that
"I'm a goddamn cheesemaker!"
like I wrote about before and I swear that she was completely taken aback for a a half a minute looking for some kind of witty report before she whined about
"where's all the cheese?..bleh"
and
"I'm a magister of the fifth circle..bluh"
and
"don't they usually draft your kind into counter-dragon sumo squads?...bluh...bluh..bleh"
I swear that Såkzul actually laughed at that last one he doesn't feel my plight that nobody respects the cheesemaker. That guy can go dance with shadow banshees and shove his sardonyx up where the sun don't shine. One of these days I'm gonna teach these ingrates that they need a cheesemaker in Failcannon.

8th of Timber



Today is a sorrowful day for me. One of my friends Derm died today of thirst today in the hallway just outside his bed from thirst. It reminds me how close death is to us all. Derm was young, he had a life ahead of him. I'd been drinking the days away with not a care in the world. I hadn't even realized he hadn't been working and was actually dehydrating. I wonder how many friends of mine died without me realizing it. Have I still not made anything of myself?

Naw, he would have wanted me to feel good.
I'm sure he's living it up with Kigok and her bountiful love. (Now if you'd share that, Kigok, it would be nice.)

9th of Timber.

Things are looking up for me the other day, the Mayor ,Aik. Came up to me in the dining hall and told me she'd seen me around and wondered what my job was and i most assuredly told her I was a cheesemaker. She was about to turn away when I told her that I was really the best cheesemaker in the whole of the windy world and that there'd been a scarcity of milk that prevented me from crafting my marvelous works. I told her I could make cheese that'd turn an old man young and make a magister swallow her tongue. It could raise the dead and Impress queen Led and If I only had milk I'd share with her ilk. I dare say that the mayor was so impressed by my rhyming she said she'd help me get the recognition I deserve as the top cheesemaker and went to talk with some architect. i think I'm finally getting that blessing from Kigok I've always asked for. (I bet That WitchThief guy never grants his most loyal followers their prayers).


I hope you could bear the setup I'll actually get stuff done in the next few updates. I

[Dermonster]

Sadness. My badassery will forever be forgotten to an offshoot time line.

Ah well.

GET ME ANOZZER. (Please)

[Robocorn]

You had three Derms, for some reason. Derm the Bowyer is still alive.

[Dermonster]

... Okay? well that's odd.

TRIPLETS!

[SethCreiyd]

To celebrate this turn, here is an engraving of Robocorn Groovekeys and cheese.  Robocorn is raising the cheese.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Robocorn]

The Update is coming but There is pretty much no chance for a good ending, i can try to pull a bittersweet ending like I usually do. But this battle has been going on for literally two hours and needless to say I'm super pissed at whoever designed the walls to this fortress.

I need to eat something.

This will probably be like Sparkgears 11 most likely.

[Robocorn]

Diary of Robocorn GrooveKeys "Cheese Maker"

14th of Timber

I saw that broker guy trading away out slaughtered animals. "Pyromaniac" I think his name was. I thank Kigok everyday that I wasn't given a name like that. I really would have liked a nice horse stew but I'm not in control of the finances. The funny thing is I overheard the guy talking about a "new diet" as he bought a barrel of donkey milk. I sure hope he's not talking about what I think he's talking about. I've had it up to my mustache with eating those terrible monsters they dig up from that abyss under Failcannon. I'd sooner feed the  whole fort than switch to a diet of acid blooded mutant magpies.
Still nothing on that Kigok situation. Is it too much to ask for one woman Kigok? I don't care if she likes shadow banshees or sardonics or even purring maggots send me any woman Kigok and I'll treasure her. I really have to find a better hiding place for this thing if Såkzul finds it I'll be even more of a laughing stock.

21st of Timber


When I saw it I quite nearly shit bricks. Aik had told me to bring a bucket to the upper levels so I swiped one from the hospital (who's gonna notice?). To my surprise she's made some kind of complex to produce cheese like the brewery produces beer. I guess she wanted me to get accustomed to the animals before construction was finished. I tried to tell her that the sun was bothering me but she said that a cheesemaker of my caliber could make a fine cheese even in the sunlight. (flattery will get you everywhere) I guess I've got big things ahead of me. Kigok let them realize their mistake before I have to feed the whole fort. I take back what I said about the mutant magpies, they're the candy of the deep.

1st of Moonstone


That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Cows can get pretty dangerous you know. They can gore you without the slightest provocation. It would be unwise to make cheese with a bovine about or it could smell the creamy sweetness of the cheese you were making and slaughter you right then and there. Aik should be awarding me a medal for handling such a deadly beast in such a cautious manner. A medal and a vacation, because all of this cheesemaking is hard work, or it will be anyway, after my vacation. A big thanks to Kigok who channeled her powers into the fell cows mind and calmed it to a stupor so I could tie it up again.

8th of Moonstone


Well, there it is. My first cheese. The broker told me it would be worth fifty value abstractions on the open market. He asked me if I made it and I told him that I was the head cheesemaker in all of Aluonra and that any cheese I'd make would be worth it's weight in adamantine. The snarky fool blew me off like some silly blowhard. But I'd show him. Making cheese wasn't much harder than brewing and I'm sure I'll be able to get twice as much appraise than any silly brewer got from their brain blastering sunshine or thirst quenching Mushroom ale or whatever my point was. Al I know is that If I stick to my guns and keep my faith in Kigok I'll be the Fromagiester of the Sixth Circle and everyone will realize how important I really am to Failcannon.

16th of Moonstone.

This seems like kind of a funny story. The Captain of the guard dispatches the holy irons to go save cheese. Now I thought they had finally realized my importance and I could go back to doing nothing all day but they were really talking about some crippled beggar named "Cheese" who was out picking flowers or something when he was ambushed by skeletal horses. One of the horses even gets on the seaward wall that those immigrants snuck over on the other month and these two soldiers joust with it and get knocked off the wall. What a bunch off loonies I hope Kigok blesses their sore heads.

Luckily the irons eventually take down the horse that was menacing "Cheese" and he's welcomed back into the fort. No thanks to those jousters. I guess they'll let anyone in the guard these days.

24th of Moonstone


It's so exciting to be invited to a party. Some Dwarven child has completed some magnificent magnetic bracelect with moonstone and more magnetite. Sounds like some kind of wizard jewelery to me but I'll take any chance I can get to take a day off of work dealing with dangerous cows and moulding cheese. Thanks for blessing this child Kigok I needed to go to a party. I wonder if Kigok will ever bless me with a vision of the ultimate cheese. I can always dream.

1st of Opal.

That jerkass Såkzul still isn't impressed by my massive dairy complex. He say's it's built on lies and that I've barely made any cheese. He even had the gall  to say that
"nobody cares about cheese"
"Then why'd they  go save him from the skorse?"
We both had a good chuckle about that one. But he should really be more supportive of my rising role in the world. I don't care if he's a wood burner or a soldier. He shouldn't speak that way to an Accomplished Cheese Maker


8th of Opal.

Today something scary happened.
Those fool guards must have dozed off because the devil skull-horse Sourditch got into the fort

The beast slew a dog right in front of me before going after some unlucky Dwarf named Paniac. The fellow was so heroic as to let a young mother and her child serve as a decoy for him to run away. The mother Canalan made it out okay but the baby was slewn by the great beast. I offered to give Xenos (the father) some cheese for the funeral and he just lashed out at me. I suppose seeing your only child killed by and evil horse makes you less receptive to cheese. I hope it isn't a trend.

24th of Opal

After receiving complaints from various different Dwarves regarding the increasing Dearth of cheese I talked with Aik about getting me a few assistants. I also requested a few more cheese presses

"constructed from solid silver"
I said. She seemed to be talking it down so I asked for an office with gold furniture overlooking the filthy sea with glass windows and a short commute from the cheesery. Kigok has truly blessed me because she gave in to all my demands and my room is finally complete. I met with Såkzul again at his totally non-private dining room to rub it in that I had become a Fromagiester while he was stilla lowly wood burner and now nobody could look down on my cheesey prowess. Såkzul still wasn't impressed though, he never cares for my success. he's always keeping me back. Maybe if you found me someone real nice Kigok I could make him truly believe in your majesty. You are the real Fromagistress here.

5th of Obsidian

These assistants are not as helpful as I'd forseen. But I'm sleeping splendidly in this new room. It's not the same as being underground all day but the sun is gone about half the time so it's fairly bearable to have a room near the sea. It's quiet to say the least. Just me and the cheese. And Kigok of course. I can never forget about Kigok. Såkzul doesn't know what he's talking about, I have it way better now that I'm important, he's just jealous of my blessings Maybe he can be one of my cheese assistants. I bet that would cheer him up

6th of Obsidian

It didn't.

15th of Obsidian

GOBLINS!

A squadron of greenskins decided to sneak over the wall that the skorses and immigrants have been sneaking over in order to rain bolts down upon us fron their high vantage point.
Their Aim was mostly atrocious so many of us were able to run away in time but one poor soul called Urist Imiknoriss took nearly seven bolts before falling to the greenskin's barrage

The first of the Holy Irons on the scene was DuckThatQuacks, a novice Swordsdwarf who planned on fighting them aligned on the wall in order to protect us as we fled underground.

It "Didn't work" to say the least.

The next warrior present to face the scourge was the militia leader LordSlowpoke who brandishing her warhammer

was knocked over the edge of the wall by a goblin with a whip
LordSlowpoke fought the goblins as they entered the fort from the wall but they verpowered her and drover her down one of the goblin raiders "Snodub" Declared victory over her corpse and dealt the killing blow.
After Lordslowpoke's death things turned for the worst

The Goblins began to slaughter everything
As if in a mission from Kigok Herself I took up the mantle of military commander and drafted The most able warriors remaining among us. Such as Grath "The arrow catcher" and Xenos, who had dealt the final blow to Sourditch. I gathered us togeth one time to mount an a offense against the horde.

The casualties were too great I lead what able dwarves I could find down into a food stockpile and began ordering the construction of a wall t separate us from the outside world

We held up for ours in preparation of the goblin onslaught but nothing came.
what we discovered was astounding.

as the goblins left they fell into our traps and many were captured and killed. With less than a quarter of our dwarves still living we could not have held them back on our own. I know in my heart that it was Kigok that protected us and our infirm. I feel sorry for all the things I said about Såkzul, may his soul rest in peace. It is currently Obsidian the 20th and will end the year with cheese far from my mind.


That's three months and six hours of work. I don't know how I'm going to finish the remaining twelve months of my year but I'm not doing it tonight. This is actually way better than I thought It would turn out. I'm still really pissed at whoever engineered the goblin sniper highway though. Kigok-Dammit man

I was actually listening to this around Obsidian 15th it made the invasion about ten times more annoying from my perspective so maybe it will color yours.

[LordSlowpoke]

Sigh. I died two times, and two times my contrapictions managed to save your ass. Too soon to see a pattern here.

Keep up the good job, Robocorn. And redorf me at the first chance possible.

[Robocorn]

Hope you like being a Kid or a cripple, because that's who we've got left.

[Zathel]

Just how long exactly was that wall broken? And why didn't anyone bother fixing it?

Unless the whole point to building a wall is for it to have a weak point for enemies to exploit 

[Oglokoog]

At first I thought it was me who built that wall, but that doesn't sound right. It was already that way when I arrived. I don't think there was a way to get down from it at first, though. Not too sure about that.

[Robocorn]

I can fix it pretty easily but I must know which lever opens the front gate before i can continue playing. Found it will continue tomorrow. On a bright side with all the dwarves dead the FPS has doubled.

For those of you who have died here's the redorfing list. There are four nameless dwarves left. Almost all of the dwarves are miserable and many (all of the resting ones) have terrible injuries and are locked in the hospital.

[Lupusater]

Can I take the smith?

[Dermonster]

I do not see a Derm.

There must always be a Derm.

[Lucus Casius]

Toss me a dwarf in the next immigrant wave, assuming they make it through.

Lucus...  Fourth Hand, now?