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[jamesadelong]

To: Urist McGateLeverPuller
From: Mission Control
RE: Recent Invasion
WHY?

[Zaphod728]

Dear Urist McMeltyFace

Next time maybe you should run away from the lava.

Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood overload


Dear Urist McNoArms

Yes, I have gotten all your messages about not being able to pick up anything. Your recent military service is admirable, and it has earned you a VIP ticket to the grand opening of "super fun lava playland resort and casino."

Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood overload

[Theifofdreams]

Dear Urist McLeeroyJenkins
What? How? WHAT? You know what, GTFO of my fortress. Just.. I don't even know how you did that. Get out. Now. You are now on Ambush Finding duty. Given what you did, you'll do just fine at that.

-Sincerely; Your very angry Overseer.

Dear Urist Mcpeasant-turned-mason
You. Go plug that hole. And the other hole. Use walls.
And if you lock yourself out, then you'll have officially volunteered to join Urist McLeeroyJenkins on Ambush Finding Duty. You do nothing but haul anyway, so no loss there.

-With all my rage; Your frustrated Overseer.

[UnexpectedSalad]

Dear Max Power,

You were a legendary brewer and herbalist as well as one of the original seven of our great fortress. Why you decided to run miles east to the border of our lands and perish at the tip of our enemys swords instead of heading straight down into the safety of the hold, I am uncertain.

Your actions on that terrible day have had consequences that of which you could never have comprehended. Your wife and friends have caused a riot, order is all but gone. Many of the hold have been cut down, many are as I write this letter.

You have dishonored our great fortress and many lives have been lost as a result of what you have done.

Your corpse will be thrown into the lake of fire beneath our home, your family and friends will receive the same fate. Your quarters are to be demolished. Any trace of your existence is to be erased.

Burn in hell,

The Boss

PS. You're a douchebag.

[Reudh]

Dear Iteb Erushlesast, Stoneworker,

This is the third time I've had to save you from yourself after you walled yourself in. One of your friends already did the same and got set upon by troggies walled in with him.

This is the second time you've nearly starved to death from your own stupidity.

Do it once more, and I'll let you die, regardless of the fact you are friends with forty dwarves.

Reudh, Overseer of the Barony of Limulunnos.

[JackOSpades]

Dear Urst McStreaker would you please go at least put some pants on? I know you have a perfectly good par lying on the floor in your room.

[ledgekindred]

Dear Urist McSurgeon

I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty.  (true story and only injury from the entire siege)

Yrs
Not-amused Overseer 

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Urist McSurgeon

I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty.  (true story and only injury from the entire siege)

Yrs
Not-amused Overseer

What are you an elf? Washing someone with soap might be a delicate medical procedure (you must be careful of the beard) but arrow removal is so simple a child could -and will- do it themselves when they go to wash the blood off their clothes.

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Urist McSurgeon

I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty.  (true story and only injury from the entire siege)

Yrs
Not-amused Overseer

What are you an elf? Washing someone with soap might be a delicate medical procedure (you must be careful of the beard) but arrow removal is so simple a child could -and will- do it themselves when they go to wash the blood off their clothes.

Fixing the leg afterwards is butchers pay though. And dammit, there aren't any more butchers after the cats revolted :|

[proxn_punkd]

Urist McMom:

I took you out of the army so you wouldn't have your baby in the danger room while it was active. WHY DID YOU RANDOMLY WALK INTO THE DANGER ROOM WITH YOUR BABY?!

Signed,

Proxian

[Loud Whispers]

Dear UristMcSamurai,

What were you doing outside? I saw no socks, so that was out of the question. Please tell me you weren't trying to acquire a yak corpse or something -_-

Anyways, I commend your reckless finesse in the way you dispatched the siege so efficiently.

You shall henceforth be known as Katsumoto, and be given many steel swords.

[jaxy15]

Dear Urist McHunter,

I'd prefer if you rested a bit after you got a crutch. That giant capybara was still there.

[jamesadelong]

To: Urist McTantrumSpiral
RE: The horrible little civil war
From: The guys inside the bunker
This little battle has gone on for far too long. Your friends have seized and destructed many of the farms and the farmers have been unable to grow any more food. That doesn't just affect the loyalists. Take a guess what the next step is; starvation, then death. I request you cease this bloody civil war and allow my farmers to get back to work. I refuse to extend anyone from the fortified palace, you'll just kill them in the state your in. Also, move away from the magma cylinders. We need those now that your ilk includes many of the pump operators. Move towards it and I'll purge the system and burn you and everybody who's helping you. Keep this up and I'll order the soldiers from above ground to allow the gobbo's in, then we'll see who gets the last laugh.

[werechicken]

Dear crossbow squad

When I say get in position I mean now, not when you've finished draining the last booze barrel you diminutive, alcoholic cretins! Oh, and if I see another one of you go on duty without a crossbow or with only one sodding bone bolt in your quiver (when I know for a fact the are hundreds of stacks of state of the art metal bolts, like the ones you're ordered to use, you insubordinate little gits) your next station will be on the retractable bridge directly above the sacrifice pit!

Axe dwarves, keep up the good work.

[Reudh]

Dear Dfusion (Friendship tool)

Y U NO WORK PROPERLY?

Sincerely,

Reudh