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[Kogut]

Dear Urist McRecruit.

If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.

Sincerely,

The one building another burial chamber.

Dear McNarhiril
d-b-f
Sincerely,
the ghostly recruit.

[narhiril]

Dear Urist McRecruit.

If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.

Sincerely,

The one building another burial chamber.

Dear McNarhiril
d-b-f
Sincerely,
the ghostly recruit.

Yeah, I know, I usually catch them, but sometimes one slips through.

[Fahgo]

Dear Goden Atirenseb, dwarven child

Following your parents to the front gate to watch them clear the grisley remains of a few goblin snatchers from our traps wasnt particularly daft as long as you remained on the safe side of said traps. walking outside wasnt such a good idea. what was even less of a good idea was, upon discovering a goblin spearman ambush, to start legging it further outside STRAIGHT PAST 2 OF THEM.
you were 2 squares away from safety! you could of done the fort a benefit by leading them to their doom! but noooo... you've chosen suicide. at least the marksdwarves will get some practice on live targets. you might survive... but frankly you're too stupid for me to care.

your facepalming overlord

[shadenight123]

Dear poltergeist,
Stop it.
You snatched away an artifact, making the creator tantrum. Luckily he was in his own bedroom, so closing the door avoided the death of someone. I had to place him at rest however, so please, avoid stealing other artifacts. don't you see we have a LOT of stones? grab one of them.
And remember, i'm calling them...
if there's something strange...in the neighbourhood...who you gonna call?! the mason/craftdwarf busters!

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[shadenight123]

Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear ovrsr,
you cannot stop my cooking art! next time, forbid me from using the booze. But that would make me sad. You don't wanna see the cook sad right?

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear ovrsr,
you cannot stop my cooking art! next time, forbid me from using the booze. But that would make me sad. You don't wanna see the cook sad right?

A. I expected you to stop before you cooked ALL of it. Aside from seeds, booze is the most common food source we have. WHY do you cook DOZENS of drinks and a couple of spare seeds into roasts?
B. Get to work on brewing more booze. I will stop you from cooking it this time.
Also, "Ovrsr' is short for "Overseer." Please refer to me by my full title; the abbreviation is for brevity and my peers.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

(That last part wasn't aimed at you, shadeknight; I was saying that to the "dwarf" who ignored formality.)


Dear Urist McMechanic,
Why were you even outside? I told you to link up a lever to a bridge. The lever, the bridge, and your workshop are nowhere near where you were when you were "interrupted by a honey badger". WHY were you there?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. It helps if you run TOWARDS the fort.

Dear Urist McUselessthresher,
First off, what do threshers even do?
Second off. when I station you on a bridge, stand on the bridge.
Third off, if I assign you back to a burrow after you left to eat and drink, go there.
Fourth off, can you catch up to that cheetah?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear cheetah,
Don't worry. That thresher? Can't fight worth a lick. It was only my desire to execute him in a more fabulous manner that saved him from those lions. You can take him. Kill him for me, and you'll be lauded as a beast who took care of one of the more annoying threats this fort has had to deal with! That stupid honey badger already left, so obviously I'm referring to the thresher.
GWG.
Dear Urist McNewthresher,
Help out Urist McUselesthresher. That is all.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urists McMilitia,
I wish lions had been here instead of that cheetah. Go station yourselves on that bridge.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McWrestler,
Congrats on your promotion from Urist McRecruit, and formerly from Urist McMigrantThresher. This should make your bare-knuckles boxing with the jaguar more interesting.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McBadass,
Congrats on your promotion from Urist McWrestler. Now go kill that lion...
GWG
Dear Urist McStilluselessthresher,
Hurry up and kill one of those big cats! Or starve and dehydrate trying!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Finwane, Lion:
If you kill Urist McStillUselessThresher, I'll help you choose a better name than you got from killing Urist McMigrantthreser-excuse me, Urist McBadass, he punched a jaguar to death, sorry. Good job, though.
Dear Urist McStilluselessthresher,
Your ability to discern what a stupid situation is has caused me to check to see if a...flaw in the universe's laws is still active. If so, you will live eternally in the volcano, never aging, never starving, watching other useless dwarves plunge past you. (Or maybe not. Extinct dwarves might mean only the two migrant waves. Ah well.) If it does not still work that way, then you will burn to death. Pick your poison.
And, if you die, next life, choose a USEFUL profession.
GWG.
Dear Urist McMason,
Please build those coffins and slabs for the soldiers that died fighting big cats or falling into the volcano.

[Renzuko]

dear merchants...i dont care, that there is trolls on the level above my fort's entrance, i removed all the ramps around, if you hadnt run in the opposite direction, you'd be alive right now, but no, your dead...i will relish in stealing your stuff.

[jaxy15]

Dear Goblin McWoodCutter (I embarked with a gobbo civ and twenty freaking trolls)

Come on, you have 2 copper axes available.
Don't use the freaking iron battleaxe saved for our military.

[TolyK]

dear goblins
EAT MY FIRE!
~Overseer

[Bdthemag]

Dear UristMcFighter,
Please stop training during sieges, seriously.

[JmzLost]

Dear Urist McNewMilitiaCaptain,

   Congratulations on your promotion to the head of squad b, The Furious Boots.  After consulting with our militia captain, we decided to place all of the new meat red shirts eager recruits in their own squad.  We also decided to offer your squad some "live fire" exercises, because the militia commander felt you were a bunch of worthless maggots in need of some special training.  While we understand the joys to be found in repeatedly beating goblins to death with a stick, we are concerned by your recent attachment to your *alder training axe*.  Please be advised that it is only a temporary weapon, and you WILL be carrying an *iron battle axe* in the near future.  We are sure you will find it much more effective at dismembering goblins.

Sincerely,
  Your Benevolent Overlord


Dear Benevolent Overlord,

   We are concerned about us constantly referring to ourselves in the third person plural.  Please look into using first person singular pronouns.  Also, please stop talking to ourselves, we are concerned for our sanity.

Sincerely,
  The Voices in Our Head

[iwog]

Dear Urist McHunter,

I know you and I both take great delight in you killing Water Buffalo with ≡Water Buffalo Bone Bolts≡ but please for the love of Amok when you run out of ammo club the dam thing to death. 

I currently have 3 half dead beasts vomiting and retching upon their unconscious bodies I do not need a 4th.  They’ve been there for 3 seasons now and they’re starting to freak out the haulers as they transfer everything to the new fort.

Sincerely 

The Unseen Hand.

PS. If you manage to thin down the population of badgers I promise you’ll get and actual tomb and not just a plaque on the wall when you eventually die due to some siege or something.

[Nilik]

Dear Thresher McStrangeMood,

I know you wanted bone for your artifact, which is why I butchered a horse, a pig and a goat for you, but apparently this still wasn't enough bone. I don't know what the hell you're trying to make, but frankly we've already got two very experienced bone crafters and I just can't bring myself to care about your plight. If you could just go insane quietly without disturbing important dwarves, I'd appreciate it. Your coffin is ready by the way.

Sincerely,

Urist McOverseer.

[ledgekindred]

Dear Magical Strange-mood-causing Spirits or Ghosts or Whatever You Are,

I would like to say I appreciate what you do for us by possessing, feying and secretifying my dorfs to go get inspired and make some relic for our fort.  Except I don't appreciate it.  Why don't I appreciate it?  Let me tell you why I don't appreciate it:

2 figurines
2 scepters
no less than 10 pieces of jewelry
a piccolo
one steel boot
a cloak
three coats
one ... seriously here ... one leather thong (really, w.t.f.)

What useful thing have you made for me out of all these artifacts? 

One gold table. 
One steel battleaxe.

At least the table makes my baron happy.  And yes, an artifact steel battleaxe is pretty close to the pinnacle of useful artifacts, except I do have to express my disappointment that you possessed the manufacturer, and so I was left with a still only mediocre weaponsmith. 

Everything else you've made for me?  Not so much. 

And really ... a thong?  I just ... I mean ... I ... I can't ... really???  What in the name of Armok am I suppose to do with an artifact thong?!?

Next time you feel like short-circuiting one of my dorfs into some kind of autistic obsession, can you please pick something useful to make.  Like another axe.  A barrel.  A door.  Anything that isn't going to sit in my artifact room gathering dust.

Yrs
Omniscient and All-powerful Overseer