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[billybobfred]

To: Urist McButcher
Re: Your JOB, you fool!

Why aren't you butchering that perfectly good cavy sow corpse that Urist McHunter brought back just now?

Oh, you're on break?

FEY MOODS DON'T TAKE BREAKS.

To: Urist McLegendary Cook
Re: McButcher's job, that fool

You do it. I don't care anymore, it just needs to be done.

What "needs unrotten butcherable nearby item"? It's not rotten. It's IN the shop. Are you telling me cavies can't be butchered?

To: Urist McFey
Re: Your mood

please don't go insane please don't go insane please don't go insane

To: the 12 dwarfs just sitting around with their beards up their asses
Re: proper meat storage procedure

Take the food. Out of the shop. And put it in the stockpile.

THIS IS NOT HARD.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urists McAllUsefulDwarves,
Please do not go on break yet. We need the bridge, buildings, metal stuff, and mines to be finished at some time soon. see that nice dining room you're loitering in? that will attract goblins, etc. GET TO WORK, MORONS!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[DrKillPatient]

Dear Snodub McGoblinSiege
Thank you for being so courteous as to run off slaughtering wild deer while all 123 of my dwarves safely party inside. I especially appreciate your Voracious Cave Crawler's efforts in destroying my pumps from the river, which, after some three months of effort, resulted in half your army being crushed against a wall, thrown into the moat, and eventually drowned by the highly pressurized water released from said device.

One thing annoys me, hovever: Your surviving companions are not admiring the finely crafted rows of *larch cage*s that I've placed in my entrance, instead opting to smash my pumpstack in a futile attempt at drowning themselves again.

- Invisible Sky Guy

[GreatWyrmGold]

...if you used some of the braincells Armok gave you and not embark in the middle of an iced over 50tile wide major river...

Any chance you have the save?

Dear Urist McLastDwarfInTheFort,
Build the depot, haul crap there, trade, chat with the liason, THEN get to your other work.
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Urist McEngraver,
Take a break from engraving bedroom walls, and carve out those darn memorial slabs!
GWG, Ovrsr.

[ledgekindred]

To Urist McNewlyLegendaryMetalcrafter

sigh.  I should have forseen that you would have made a beeline for one of the brand-new forged adamantium wafers as soon as you went into your mood.  Alas, I didn't think of it and neglected to forbid it and, sure enough - bam - next thing I know, 15% of our total adamantium supply is on the way towards making you not go bonkers.

Still, thanks.  Thanks so very much for making a bloody ring out of it.  Ok it's worth three quarters of a million dorfbucks, but couldn't you have made something I could have used?  A door?  A floodgate?  A statue?  Even a bin?  Or Armok forbid something unusual like a bed?  But noooooo, you took a chunk of adamantium, milled it down to next-to-nothing, wrapped some bloody yarn around it and called it a success.

Now it's going to sit in my artifact room and gather dust since nobody will be able to do anything with it.

I'd chuck you into some magma, except that a) a legendary metalcrafter is just marginally useful and b) I can't be arsed to go through the effort.

Yrs irritatedly (at himself as well)
Supreme Overlord and Omniscient Overseer

[Draignean]

Dear Urist McArmorer

I am deeply glad that you went into a mood recently, I am doubly glad that i was able to get you to accept steel, rubies, and saphires for you creation. Now for the part where I am in some consternation.

Why in Armok's name did you make a boot out of it? One boot, honestly what dwarf in his right mind is going to going to walk into battle with a normal boot on one foot and your saphire and ruby encrusted bling boot on the other?

You couldn't have made a helm, or greaves, or a shield, or heaven forbid some form of real body armor?

-The overseer that has you working triple overtime now.

[shadenight123]

Dear EX Marksdwarf of Trusstowers,
i'm writing this letter and burning it, so you in the afterlife can read it. It wasn't a difficult task, the last human guard of the caravan luckily survived the trap and didn't fell down to his death, so you just had to fill him with HOLES from your CROSSBOWS which were made of STEEL and you had MASTERWORK bone BOLTS. and quivers. and backpacks, and even amok-damn flask. SO WHY, in amok's name, did you decide to reach the SPEARMAN in a 1VS1 FIGHT of MELEE to the death!? WHY!? i WANT ANSWERS! and i want them now!
Sincerely, the overseer who lost 5 dwarfs for Dwarfen intelligence (aka stupidity).
Ps: poor little mcurist baby wants his mother...since he has no dad, he died of thirst. He's coming back to you.
PPS: i didn't leave your corpse to rot outside, even though it would have been a right punishment. you're in gold sarcophagi, in the memorial hall. Next time, i'm throwing you in the dump.
Yes, in the dump with the refuse.

[Elanorea]

Dear Urist McExMiner,
I would like to remind you that, in your next life, if you are channelling through an aquifer in freezing weather, it is highly inadvisable to jump into the channel while working.

Yours sincerely,
the Overseer

PS. Don't even think about coming to haunt the fortress. We cannot dig out your body since our last mining pick is now encased in a solid block of ice along with it, and we have no stone to craft a memorial slab because you failed to channel through the aquifer.

[Sutremaine]

Why aren't you butchering that perfectly good cavy sow corpse that Urist McHunter brought back just now?

Any cavy is too small to yield anything but a skull, and anything that small won't get touched by the butcher. They'll slaughter one just fine and take the skull, but not if it's already a corpse.

It's a bit daft really.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McQuestionableWithAnimals,

Thanks for being one of three in the first immigration wave to Shotunion! Congratulations to being promoted to militia captain as soon as you were within earshot for the nearest dwarf to yell that information at you.

Still, when we accept immigrants, we expect some labor. You came in the door, ignored your armor, claimed a bedroom and a barrel of dwarven wine, and immediately went on break with hardly a hello, and refuse any labor.

So, when I designate a pit for Cave Cat #1 to be released into the caverns, I expected McDoctor or McCarpenter to comb the cat, open the cavern gate, wish it luck, and set it on its feet.

What I did not expect was for you to choose this job as your first, spring from your seat the split-urist I relayed the order, snatch the nearest kitten by the nape, charge full speed down the stairs to the caverns, and use the momentum to bodily heave the poor feline from the top of the 5-level wall, remain to watch it land, then go sprinting back to your drink.

We're a small, close group here in Shotunion, Urist, and we worry about you. We really do.

Keeping you under observation,
the overseer.

[Manae]

Dear Tree-loving Hippies Traders:

The path out of the fortress is open. My best engineers assure me the depot is accessible to prove it. I even waited until the siege lines were scattered and broken so you could leave on your own instead of offering you a wooden bin to chase you off after trading you for what I wanted.

Would you kindly stop crawling around in circles dragging your prone animals behind you and just leave?

Your aimless wandering is killing my frame rate.

Take my stone crap and leave,
The Overlord

PS: If you aren't gone by next month, I'm getting the magma.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader,

I'm curious what you did to get a panda to charge you.

You are redeemed, however, in that you deftly dodged out of the way and punched it in the toe hard enough to render it unconscious.

You will make a good mayor.

[MasterMorality]

Dear Urist McQuestionableWithAnimals,

Thanks for being one of three in the first immigration wave to Shotunion! Congratulations to being promoted to militia captain as soon as you were within earshot for the nearest dwarf to yell that information at you.

Still, when we accept immigrants, we expect some labor. You came in the door, ignored your armor, claimed a bedroom and a barrel of dwarven wine, and immediately went on break with hardly a hello, and refuse any labor.

So, when I designate a pit for Cave Cat #1 to be released into the caverns, I expected McDoctor or McCarpenter to comb the cat, open the cavern gate, wish it luck, and set it on its feet.

What I did not expect was for you to choose this job as your first, spring from your seat the split-urist I relayed the order, snatch the nearest kitten by the nape, charge full speed down the stairs to the caverns, and use the momentum to bodily heave the poor feline from the top of the 5-level wall, remain to watch it land, then go sprinting back to your drink.

We're a small, close group here in Shotunion, Urist, and we worry about you. We really do.

Keeping you under observation,
the overseer.

This actually made me lol. Quite a lot.

[Draignean]

Dear Mayor Mcbadass,

As one of the last members of the starting seven, an axelord, and the man who held back seven goblins long enough for the civilians to evacuate, I am very fond of you. I have a few problems with you.

1. Please stop banning the export of our primary trade good, I realize you like steel a lot but we are a metalworking settlement. Masterwork arms and armor are our primary stock and trade.

2. Stop falling in ponds. You've managed so far to only hit ponds that I've already drained and thus were only sidelined from the battle but one of these days it's going to be full.

3. Stop falling in love with kittens, the last three have followed you into battle and have suffered various grisly fates. The last one is still wandering around the fortress with its lower spine broken.

4. Stop having babies, you'll only be sad when you use them as a shield at the next siege.

5. Stop when I say stop, not pause for a few seconds and then keep chasing whatever shagnasty you've caught sight of. The medical team has done the best they can but your fate is still a little chancy after all those burns.

Your frustrated and amused overseer

[narhiril]

Dear Urist McRecruit.

If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.

Sincerely,

The one building another burial chamber.