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[The13thClam]

Vuvuzela (All Patents Pending, The Stig Enterprises)

It's an instrument of sorts. That sounds like a swarm of bees.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Jake]

I know what a vuvuzela is, damn things were all over the papers while we were waiting for England to crash and burn embarrassingly yet again. I just want to know when we acquired the ability to make them in Fortress Mode.

[ungulateman]

Modding.

Dear Urist McMetalsmith and Cog McMechanic,

Sorry for accidentally drafting you and sending you out to fight that frigging werewolf. I meant to send all those useless cheese makers and such. Could you get out of the hospital, though? You only have bruises and cuts, and it's been eight months...

[Chandrak]

Dear Urist McPossessedChild,

Really now, the subject matter of your latest project, entitled 'The Secretive Culmination', is just inappropriate for a child your age. I mean really, creating masterpiece artworks that are 'relating to the foundation of the Beguiler of Souls by The Enjoyable Bodices of The Long Mine'?

What would your mother think?

[NieXS]

Dear Urist McPossessedChild,

Really now, the subject matter of your latest project, entitled 'The Secretive Culmination', is just inappropriate for a child your age. I mean really, creating masterpiece artworks that are 'relating to the foundation of the Beguiler of Souls by The Enjoyable Bodices of The Long Mine'?

What would your mother think?

To be fair, the kid was possessed.

[Chandrak]

True ;P

[Urist McTaverish]

Dear Miners of the Dwarven Mining Company Inc.

Due to a slight oversight we can only send you out with one pick, no anvil, and enough food and booze to (hopefully) last you until we can send a caravan.  On the plus side at least you are all a little better trained than most of the rabble we send out on suicide scouting missions.

P.S.: Our geology experts say there's an aquifer there.  Good luck!

Despotically Yours
Urist McTaverish, Foreman

[Flaede]

Dear expedition team,

Since our previous fortress did so well for itself skinning cats for a living (before the unfortunate Siege Incident), we have decided to equip you with two of each of the more interesting animals in our royal zoo. Giant bats, Cave Crocodiles... the whole list should already be in your posession.

We are sorry, but this means we can't spare any expenses for training. Or food. Or booze. or anything but a pick, really.

Enjoy,
 - Andrew

[Plutoman]

Dear Urist McMiner,

   When your body is rotten enough and swollen enough to the point where you are a moving point of miasma, it is fairly useless to throw a temper trantrum.  Your days are rather limited.  Go fight off a few demons on your way out - it'll mean a quicker death and less painful death.

Sincerely,
   Your now-dead expedition leader from a circus team.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McLeverPuller,

  Thank you for being quicker than expected in pulling the lever to raise the entrance bridge when the cyclops showed up. He stumbled into a cage trap anyway (I have no idea what to do with him, aside from digging a new training pit for the military), but you arose to the occasion and took drunkenly to that lever at tremendous speed.

  In the future, however, I should note that a couple of those traps are built of masterwork components, and it would be prudent to shout a warning to any dwarf standing about admiring them. I know he tends to stop in the path of more important traffic, but a working drawbridge is really not the best way to get Urist McProjectile's attention.


Dear Catten McMotherAgain,

  Congratulations on your new child, and you're welcome to some time to show the newborn around the fortress for the first time. But you helped us build the magma tunnels under the workships, and should remember that the only orthoclase door in the fortress leads to them. I forgot to lock it, so sue me. Didn't you notice the knob burning your hand? But you muscle on through the pain just to open that, and--oh, look. Urist McBarfmachine wasn't even two weeks old, and you broiled him.

  He will have the honor of being the first of the fortress' burial by magma, and he will be wearing your armor for it. For your trouble, your reward will be to test the new cyclops pit.

Sincerely,
  the person demoting you from captain of the guard.

[LealNightrunner]

Dear Urist McPumpDeconstructor,

I realize you are willing to show off your unCarpentry skills in excellent fashion by dismantling and moving these screw pumps so we may continue to wall up the aquifer.  However, upon dismembering a screw pump into it's components, and then hauling them off to the nearby stockpile for storage until they are reconstructed, let me make one thing clear.

Don't drown your damn way through the flooded aquifer level and then drop your corkscrew right in the middle of it in your attempt to get to the stockpile.

It's a very small breach, 6x6 at best.  And all the water tiles are tagged as restricted, so GO AROUND.  But no, you chose to be Urist McPhelps and swim.  So now you're drenched and I have a corkscrew two levels down that I have to replace.

Please enjoy your future as a Buzzard Hunter.

Signed,
Your Overlord

[Lielac]

Dear Urist McFisher,

NO MORE FISH. EVER.

Dear Urist McCatlover,

Get your freakin' kitty to stop running around or let me shove it in a cage, I don't care, but it's getting really irritating!

Dear Urist McBabymaker,

No more kiddies, kthanks?

Dear Urist McMoodydwarf,

Make it out of the available materials or throw yourself in the river.

Signed,
Your Mostly Benevolent Overlady

[Eric Blank]

Dear Everybody,

Excellent work on the current project! I'm happy to say that it should be completed on time with minimal risk if we all continue to follow our orders and make good decisions. I intend to dig out and engrave a grand dining hall as soon as our currently assigned tasks in the caverns are completed.

Dear Head Craftsman Totemlord Zefonled,

Please refrain from demanding materials which we could never supply for your artifact. On top of this, please don't go crazy AFTER you've begun construction. We really need you, as you will become our single most valuable mechanic.

[xellas84]

To all dwarves of Granitegild:

STOP BEING SO DAMNED LAZY!  When I go and tell you that you don't have to haul anything so that you can get to cutting down the half dozen trees in our waterway while it's winter and it can be dried out, that doesn't mean for EVERY LAST WOODCUTTER to go on break for the rest of the season!  I swear by Armok's flaming beard, the next dwarf to do this will be hurled down a 20 zlevel pit into a pool of magma.

Your increasingly incensed overlord

[mr_seeker]

To the queen:

Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!

Overlord.