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[Quietust]

PS to the board: since .16 dwarfes ignore suspended walls and build from those places again .. how to circumvent .. its annoying to play that lottery till one dwarf gets that correct

Er, it still works just fine for me. Are you wanting your dwarf to stand on a tile that's diagonal from the build site (hint: it won't work) or a location in which there's another pending construction (which would cause him to simply prefer the default build position, which is probably the one you don't want)?

[LealNightrunner]

Dear Urist McCorpse,

Advisable areas to construct a screw pump from:
-Solid ground
-Wooden flooring we constructed
-On top of sturdy walls

Inadvisable areas:
-From one level down in a rapidly flowing aquifer that sweeps into a large pit.

Fortunately you were without family/friends to mourn you and/or break furniture in your name.

[Killing Time]

Dear Urist McRecruit,

When trying to catch an object moving perpendicular to you, say a goblin thief that has just stolen one of the fort's children, its advisable to aim for a point several steps ahead of that object. Or, failing that, run straight at it. NOT the place where it was ten seconds ago.
Thanks to you, the legendary armor smith is now running through the halls babbling and tearing her cloths off.
I'd kill you but considering the state of the fortress you'll probably die horribly anyway.

The Chief

[jackrabbitslim]

Dear Urists McIdledorfs

There are 21 of you with no jobs. PICK UP THE DAMN MECHANISMS I ORDERED YOU TO DUMP! Its not even like its on another z level. You walk past them every time you gotta run your beer swilling foaming froth covered little beards to the stockpile to guzzle your own weight in "sewer brew".

Oh, and just food for thought, I have 4 giants and an ettin sitting in cages in the basement, just waiting for me to try trading them to the elves again. You all remember how well THAT went over last time. 

[Tonic]

Dear Urists,

First, off, I want to thank you for promptly completing the gold statues that I ordered.  You were very prompt.  I've just got a few notes...

As I explained, these statues are to line the wagon-way to the Trade Depot, in order to impress the heathens with our grandeur and thus grease the wheels of trade with something than their rendered fat, as these affect profits--but I digress.  The point is:  gold statues, impress heathens, many wampum.

The first statue is... well, it's an elf striking down a human, isn't it?  This is not going to instill a proper attitude in either elves or humans.  The humans won't like it for obvious reasons, and the elves will go into the negotiations with confidence and pride, knowing that our very best statue is one depicting one of their number striking down some slobbery human. 

What's next?  Old Rakuth Drivegranite.  And bats.  He's surrounded by bats.  He is looking terrified.

Really.

The dwarven god of mountains, striking a triumphant pose.  Nice one, guys.  Really.  Why can't they all be like this?

The mayor of some other town being deposed?  Okay, whatever.  Nice detail work.

Okay, now this next one?  Totally inappropriate, guys.  Totally inappropriate.  This is a statue of Sigun.  Remember him?  Of course you do.  It's a statue of Sigun dying of dehydration. 

Not cool, guys.  Totally not cool. 

But you know he was crazy, and I had to lock him in his room.

And finally... a statue of some mussels.

Yeah.  We need a more exciting fort.  I get it.

Now get down to Sub-Level D15 to pull the Career Advancement lever.  Just remember:  one at a time, and no peeking!

Best Regards,
Lord Tonic

[WrathNail]

Dear UristMcFuneralUndertaker,

I understand you want to do your job. And I know you've been a little overworked lately.

But collecting your "clients" while the goblins are still arround does not fall under good business practice.

Best regards,
Your face-palming Overseer

[Greiger]

Dear Crossbow Squad (The Wooden Symmetries),

I am greatly impressed.  In the space of 3 days you slew both a dragon, and a forgotten beast by yourselves.  I must admit I was worried for a moment when the red dragon began to fly over the wall to attack your location instead of attacking from the place the melee squads were stationed.  But you handled it with skill and expertise I expect from the military of The Smear of Failure.  Instead of running around in panic you dodged the dragonfire and countered with a well placed headshot.  Bravo.

And then immediately after that you slew a forgotten beast that had arrived.  Before the dragon's corpse had even hit the ground I sent you and the rest of the military to intercept it before it became an issue, and yet again you outshined the other squads by slaying it with a single bolt to the body.

But it is time for you to come inside now.  I long ago ordered all squads to stand down.  Yet you all still insist on hanging out in the cavern outside the undergate.  Come inside so I can close the damn gate already.  If you don't hurry there won't be anymore celebratory dragon steak left.

Regards,
The Administration.

[Moosey]

Dear Urist McMilitia-Captain:

A good squad name should evoke mental images of STRONG, ANGRY DWARVES with DANGEROUS POINTY METAL.  You know, things like:
The Furious Hammers
The Vengeful Decapitators

Or, you could use squad names that make the people feel safe under your protection, like:
The Impenetrable Line
The Towers of Justice

Those were just off the top of my head.  Contrast them against these actual squad names you have proposed:
The Friendly Mirrors
The Tin Spears
The Frilly Bodices
The Crews of Painting
Gloved Neutrality
The Hairy Sacks

Eternally disappointed,
- Your supreme overlord

(okay, that last one was pretty good)

[TheeBaconman]

Dear Urist McDocto:

Please, please. Fix that guy who has been in that hospital for many months.

He is horribly broken in many parts of his body, his lung is torn open, he can't sleep, and he might become dehydrated soon. Yes I can see he has 1 suture, but I've watched his progress, or rather no progress, for many months.

You fixed the wood burner and another civilian, why can't you fix the veteran sword guy? 11 kills he has, 11 kills!!! And he is more experienced than all the other rookies, fix him!

Regards,
 Your disappointed overlord

[Samuel]

Dear Urist McStrangeMood,
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is I have no idea what you want for your little project, and those little doodles you're making aren't helping. The good news is you're expendable! When you go crazy, try not to flash the children to much, Okay?

Signed,
Your Overseer

Dear Elf Merchants,
Welcome to BronzeNeutral! Please go right ahead and start unloading your goods. Ignore the sound of levers being pulled. And the sound of rushing water.

Signed,
Your Trustworthy Trade Partner!

[zarmazarma]

Dear Urist,

For the love of adamantine, there are other rocks in the fortress. While I thought it was funny, your wife was very displeased by your recent using of your baby as a flotation device to traverse a flow of magma.

Thanks, Zarma

[jackrabbitslim]

Dear Urist McEverydorf

The trade wagon full of (hopefully) steel bars and super duper sets of steel armor has been sitting under the depot for several months now. I realize you are all probably very frightened of the Goblin siege with 3 pages full of Giant Olms and Trolls and other unsavory types, but please be reminded that they ARE in fact, all very much dead now. Yes, I realize one of the trolls snuck past the guards, and killed Urist McParalyzed in the hospital, and I realize he broke one of the stills, but that is in fact no reason to completely disregard my standing orders of "Hey, whoever feels like it, go trade". Need I remind you that our legenday Sword Dwarf racked up 15 kills during the siege? Well, What he did to the gobbos is nothing compared to the hell I'm prepared to unleash on every one of you from the new Magma Fall I installed in the roof today.

With my sincere regards
Your God

[S31-Syntax]

Dear Urist McCaptainoftheGuard

It is recommended that you read the book titled "How to beat criminals: The non-lethal guide to non-lethal punishment".
I understand that you are just doing your job, and your to-do list includes 20 instances of "Beat Urist McValuableCraftdwarf for violating an export ban that was issued as the caravan was leaving with the banned materials", but please please PLEASE stop KILLING the valuable craftdwarfs! Its not good for profits!

Dear Urist McMayor,

STOP ORDERING CAPITAL PUNISHMENT ON EVERY DWARF THAT TOUCHED THE DAMN BONE BRACELETS YOU BANNED! Good FREAKING GAWD.

P.S. For the both of you, i have ordered the construction of 2 very nice bedrooms up atop that lovely tower. Ignore the support on the way up, its for decoration.

[Samuel]

Dear Mayor,
When Urist McStrangeMood needed silk cloth and we, alas, had none, I ordered a staircase dug into the earth until we found a cavern so we could get him his stuff. Compare that with my lack of interest in finding your ever-so-precious native aluminum. There are a few reasons for this: 1) Urist McStrangeMood is a contributing member of the fortress, 2) I knew he was making something awesome, and 3) You're kind of a dick. In support of number 3, I'll ask you to recall what you did when you're native aluminum furniture wasn't built for you. You chose somebody at complete random and had him beaten to death. That was an over-reaction on your part, do you agree? Now, when you sent out the same mandate, you'll notice I spent even less time searching for the metal. In response, you once again selected somebody, this time an innocent woman, and sent a thug to her room to break her bones. I had to turn her room into a hospital because she couldn't drag herself down the hallway to the main hospital.
What I'm trying to explain here is that I want your death to be as karmic as possible. I can't have my squad attack you because they fear your empty, meaningless authority. I hope a pile of rocks falling on your head from several z-levels up while you sleep will adequetely simulate your senselessly violent justice. With luck, before dying, you'll consider all the time you spent griping that the woman you had beaten to a pulp got off lightly.

Yours,
Samuel

[ZergSpartan]

Dear Urist McClothier,
We don't have any shells, we live in a desert, shut up and deal with it.
I no longer care that the voices in your head demand shells, go crazy for all I care, my military needs the practice.
-love, The Overseer

Dear Urist McHauler,
What the hell man? Its been a year since Urist McClothier went crazy and killed those two dogs, three cats, then was gunned down by the military. Those bodies are still rotting in the middle of the dining hall. What really confuses me is that you took his vomit covered socks but didnt dump his body. Your a sick dwarf.
-love, The Overseer

Dear Urist McFarmer,
How the hell did a VULTURE get into the farming area?! Its 15 Z-levels down a gauntlet of traps and doors! No, the military is busy at the moment, so deal with it. I will be locking you in there with it until one of you is dead, I dont care who.
-love, The Overseer

Dear Urist McLyemaker(s),
Report to magma room B, that is all.
-love, the Overseer

Dear Urist McNoble,
There are 3 Hydras left in the world, stop demanding crafts made from their bones.
Continuing this trend will mean your quarters be moved to Magma room B.
-love, the Overseer

Dear Urist McMiner,
Please finish digging out Magma room A, the baroness has finished cooling and is ready to be mounted in the main hall.
-love, the Overseer

Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
I know there is no fish in the sothern swamps? know why? WE LIVE IN A DESERT. I have disabled the fishing task from you and yet you still pester me about this. Keep it up and I'll make you a lye maker.
-love, the Overseer