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[Cthulhu]

Anime smilie -.-

[Rysith]

If you let yourself fall for her, you'll get friend-zoned and end up the crying shoulder but nothing else

If you refuse to become emotionally attached, she'll be all over you.

I agree, but only somewhat.

If you let yourself fall for her, lavish attention on her, etc. then she'll use you for that. I think that goes back to Vector's comment about cold, callous, abusive people, which is especially true for people starved for other sources of support.

If you give her support and friendship but don't allow her to take advantage of you, you'll avoid the friend zone and (done correctly) you'll end up with a dating relationship on the other side if you want one. To avoid the friend zone you would want her to feel like you support her and care about her, but not like she can take you for granted or have things be one-way.

If you interact with her but refuse to allow yourself to be emotionally attached, she'll be all over you trying to win your support and care. Hence (as I mentioned) the need to be at least friendly toward her if you want any kind of reasonable interaction.

Either way, it's important to keep whatever kind of relationship you have two-way rather than one way, or you'll end up in one of Cthulhu's situations, neither of which is good for either of you.

[Vector]

The above is profoundly depressing, but absolutely correct.  Be very careful, please, and I wish both you and her the best of luck.

[chaoticag]

Please, lets help her first, then worry about dating her second. I'd rather see her get emotional support untill she stands up for her self, than have her emotionally dependent on others. For now, keep it Platonic. Then decide whether you want to date her or not.

[Jude]

Incidentally, about "being nice will lead you to the friend zone", that's not really necessarily true. People confuse "nice" with "spineless, grovelling attitude of supplication." Being nice to the girl but dominant towards other males is what's attractive, and that can mean being a dick to other males, but doesn't have to.

In any case, some girls will confuse you being a dick to her with the dominance that's attractive, but it's not like being a kind person is unattractive

Of course, being nice WILL get you friend-zoned if nice is all you are and you don't give any clear indication that you're pursuing her. If you treat her like a friend because you're too shy to make a move, she'll treat you as a friend. That's where lots of guys screw up

[Eagleon]

Since when is gaining a friend considered screwing up? Sheesh.
(I HALP.)

[Solifuge]

Probably best to </courtship discussion> please. I've got to go with chaoticag here.

Please, lets help her first, then worry about dating her second. I'd rather see her get emotional support untill she stands up for her self, than have her emotionally dependent on others. For now, keep it Platonic. Then decide whether you want to date her or not.

If there is a part of you which cares about her well-being, which I imagine there is, then it's probably best to put the thoughts of anything but friendship from your mind at present. Even if it seems helpful, innocent, and justified to be that kind of emotional support, you'd essentially be preying on someone's emotional weakness. What you want to do is help her to know that she's not worthless or stupid by being a friend to her. If more of this sort of thing comes up with her folks being complete asshats toward her (I'm guessing it doesn't come up too often) then let her know that what they say is abusive and full of crap.

Just try to curtail whatever feelings you may have for her beyond friendship and the desire to help her, until she's in a better emotional place. Realize that you, too, might be having feelings for her because she's in an emotionally rough situation: this road goes both ways.

P.S. Rysith is pretty much right too. There are no hard and fast rules for interpersonal relationships, but my experience can attest to the friend-zone dilemma.

P.P.S. Firefly quote was so much win! I do so love Book's brand of wisdom.

[Jude]

Since when is gaining a friend considered screwing up? Sheesh.
(I HALP.)

Since forever, if you were trying to gain a girlfriend instead of a friend

[Azkanan]

Don't let her drag you down.  I've been insane and depressed before.  It turns you into an incredibly cold, callous, and abusive person, cruising for other people's resources and attention.  Now, I'm not saying this particular girl is a nutbag--but watch out.  Desperate people can be cruel.

A little early-to-late post, but, it's true.

My cousin died feb 2009, and I broke off all communication with everybody. He was like a brother to me, 6 months younger than me and we spent every day together growing up until late-high-school.
I broke it off with my fiancée, stopped talking to my friends, stopped going out and so forth.
A few months ago I decided it's time I got over it, but from the whole thing i've formed a stutter and a very harsh attitude towards whining as well as a difficulty with trusting people...

Don't let her wind up like that, mmkay? I used to be a real nice guy, now I snap at little things and I hate it. Meditation calms me for an hour or two afterwards and happy pills don't do anything.

[Luckk]

I'm not sure how useful of information this will be since what I am getting is that she can't do this completely, but I think she should try to spend most of her time trying to avoid her family.

What I mean exactly is why should she try to talk or spend time around family members when they are just going to treat her like crap anyway?  Even if she can't avoid her family at all times, it should at least make her feel slightly better not being around negative people all the time.

Anyways, you probably already thought of this, but I can't think of anything else that hasn't been said yet.

[Vector]

What I mean exactly is why should she try to talk or spend time around family members when they are just going to treat her like crap anyway?  Even if she can't avoid her family at all times, it should at least make her feel slightly better not being around negative people all the time.

Because they'll treat her worse.

[Luckk]

Hmm... well if its only going to make it worse, I don't see what much else he could do besides the suggested comforting her since either way she is being treated badly by family members.  So what I am curious about though is what exactly is the connection between her and her father's death that makes the family members keep on blaming her.

I'm guessing its probably the family trying to find something to blame for his death (quite possibly isn't but that is what it sounds like to me), but if you have more information on this, it could help probably shed more light on the subject.  That is of course, if its not to much to ask.

As a side note, If I am starting to sound like an ass who wants to know to much, please stop me.

[tigrex]

Just add magma.

[shadow_archmagi]

I'm guessing its probably the family trying to find something to blame for his death (quite possibly isn't but that is what it sounds like to me), but if you have more information on this, it could help probably shed more light on the subject.  That is of course, if its not to much to ask.

The parents divorced when she was like 3, and she never met her father. They blame her because she "wasn't around much." I take this to mean that they think *because* she never met him, he died (which means cause of death was either something stress related (heart attack?) or possibly suicide.). This is all just wild mass guessing though.


BTW, thanks for everyone all of you have said.

[Phmcw]

I didn't see it so I add this advice : check and double check what she says. It may not be true or exact.
Not that you should be defiant of her, or let her know that you check, but I've never met a situation where being trusting to other have done any good. However I've had been thankful to this habit more than once. If she is trustworthy all the best, if she is not you'll know.