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[TD1]

In my case the thoughts mostly come to the suggestion that maybe I am a little ugly, or not handsome often enough. Or that I am annoying or my accent is offputting. Though these are more like self-service to indulge my romanticism. They aren't pervasive in my daily life.

Chipping in late, but here's my two cents. You think you look, act and sound a little off.

I don't know you, so maybe you do. But I will say that these things are all incredibly easy to remedy with some self-care, and that 19 is far too young to be throwing in the towel.

Also, that the right person will overlook whatever perceived imperfection you have. Because, you know. It's you.

[Grim Portent]

Gran's mental health continues to decline. She's a few days past finishing a round of antibiotics for another UTI, but it's not improved her general state all that much.

Today she's decided she'd rather go to a care home, something she's been petrified of for years, rather than stay with us any longer, and we don't even know why. She just seems to have some phantom injustices being committed against her by us because now that she's here and keeps forgetting why she's here we, and my mother in particular, become an easy locus for her confusion.

[Frumple]

For what it's worth... if your family has the capability to support it, it probably wouldn't hurt to try. They're not permanent things unless everyone relevant involved wants them to be, and it can genuinely be really good for elderly quality of life (never mind that of the current caretakers) -- it's not a guarantee, of course, but especially if family is visiting regularly, then being around other folks their age, with dedicated support staff, and all that stuff... some older folks react incredibly well to that.

It wasn't permanent, but my grandmother spent a few months in rehab in a nursing home after a fall, and it was the happiest we'd seen her in years. The social aspects, the better controlled diet, all that kind of thing, it helped tremendously. Coming back home (of her own insistence, mind) basically killed her.

[Great Order]

Gran's mental health continues to decline. She's a few days past finishing a round of antibiotics for another UTI, but it's not improved her general state all that much.

Today she's decided she'd rather go to a care home, something she's been petrified of for years, rather than stay with us any longer, and we don't even know why. She just seems to have some phantom injustices being committed against her by us because now that she's here and keeps forgetting why she's here we, and my mother in particular, become an easy locus for her confusion.

Yeah, I get that. My gran's got vascular dementia and it's slowly becoming more and more untenable for her to live outside some sort of assisted living.

You have my sympathy, it's a seriously shitty situation all-round which isn't helped by there being nothing to do but support them as best you can.

[Grim Portent]

For what it's worth... if your family has the capability to support it, it probably wouldn't hurt to try. They're not permanent things unless everyone relevant involved wants them to be, and it can genuinely be really good for elderly quality of life (never mind that of the current caretakers) -- it's not a guarantee, of course, but especially if family is visiting regularly, then being around other folks their age, with dedicated support staff, and all that stuff... some older folks react incredibly well to that.

It wasn't permanent, but my grandmother spent a few months in rehab in a nursing home after a fall, and it was the happiest we'd seen her in years. The social aspects, the better controlled diet, all that kind of thing, it helped tremendously. Coming back home (of her own insistence, mind) basically killed her.

Here in Scotland the council would pay for the care home after a point,* so money isn't part of keeping her out of one, she was just always adamant that she didn't want to go in one.

My mum wants to see if she can arrange for her to go to a daycare in the short term, go and spend time out the house with other people to help keep her mind active. I'm not confident it will help all that much, but it's worth trying.


*Would be a bit different if we had power of attorney, but the paperwork still hasn't been processed, so the local council gets to decide where she goes if we can't take of her. Gist of it is they'll take possession of her major assets, being her savings and house as I understand it, to pay for a place in a care home. When that runs out further care home expenses just come out of the council's budget. At no point is anyone else in the family on the hook for the costs.

[Frumple]

My mum wants to see if she can arrange for her to go to a daycare in the short term, go and spend time out the house with other people to help keep her mind active. I'm not confident it will help all that much, but it's worth trying.

Extremely so, especially if there's dementia issues. Socialization is like the best thing you can do for folks in that situation, hands down and from everything I saw dealing with it at home it is not close. Both one of the best means of preventing it, slowing the progression, and helping with mental state just in general. The stronger and more active the social network the better off they're probably going to be.

Not every elderly person reacts well, but a very, very large amount of them do and from everything I've seen it's literally the most recommended bit of care in existence (actually getting them that care can get progressively difficult, of course, which is why it's also one of the harder bits of care to successfully implement, but... still). Hopefully it'll work out particularly well for y'all, just about everything about dealing with that is rough as hell.

*Would be a bit different if we had power of attorney, but the paperwork still hasn't been processed, so the local council gets to decide where she goes if we can't take of her. Gist of it is they'll take possession of her major assets, being her savings and house as I understand it, to pay for a place in a care home. When that runs out further care home expenses just come out of the council's budget. At no point is anyone else in the family on the hook for the costs.

That, though... hell of a lot better than how it is where I'm at. It's a small blessing you're not going to have to worry about that if it comes to it. Stateside it bankrupts entire families fairly often, ha.

[nenjin]

Yeah, gotta say, once I got my mom out of her house and she had to be around people regularly in a nursing home, her mentality and outlook really changed.

[lemon10]

Yeah, socialization is absolutely huge. It improves quality of life, mental state, and flat out makes old folks live longer.
It isn't just a old person thing either, no matter how old you are socialization will (on average) make you healthier and happier.

[Magmacube_tr]

So my father got me and my two younger brothers to the living room to talk today and asked us about our life plans and philosophy. It was less of a chat and more of an interrogation. The focal point was me. Of course that stupid auth-right, conservative fuck I call my father wanted to crack open the secretive one. He failed to learn anything more about me, but we did talk about my plans for the future.

I don't have them. He asked me if I am aware of my immaturity. I am. I think about it every single fucking day, how people in my age, or were my age when they began, accomplish great things and find their place so easily. But I said no, because fuck him. He asked me what I wanted to do in the future. I want to curl up and die, but I said teaching as that is what I am studying at uni, because fuck him. He said he wanted to know more about me. And I said he would never. Because. Fuck. Him.

Why? Because all that ''I love you and I am concerned about you!'' talk is a lie he isn't even aware that he is telling, and I know that. I am pan. He caught me reading a comic with PG gay romance in it when I was 12. He didn't do anything, but he said that what I did was unacceptable, and if I continued further, he would get more serious. I used incognito from then on and the fucking idiot thought he ''solved the issue''. That's when I realised that lie. He loves an imaginary version of me that never existed. A heterosexual, neurotypical one. He doesn't likes me. He hates me with all his core. Only reason he doesn't knows that he does is because I simply never told him the reason. I hate him as well for it. With all my heart. His love is fake, and so is my mothers for the exact same reasons. They would kick me to the curb the moment they knew.

If a muslim parent is forced to pick between their religion and their child, They will always choose their dogshit religion. This is an undisputable fact proven by a million disownments and a thousand honor killings.

...

so yea

Also, I accidentally crushed a snail today. That made me sad a bit.

[dragdeler]

I mean you're going into an honourable career. Stick with the books a few years and they can't do anything to you. Can allways have that heart to heart once it's at even eyeheight. You might find that your success silences them, that the impulse to carry out it this confrontation passes on it's own, or you do bodybuilding with your boyfriend and y'all kick his door in when you're in the prime of your live and he's all shriveled up. The world is your oyster.

[ggamer]

Spoiler:  NSFW - various intimacy and image problems. I'll throw an SA tw here as well (click to show/hide)

Everytime I see somebody on social media or hear people talk about sex their body and how the two normally work for them in life it makes me feel intensely disgusting. I saw on Twitter a post about how sleeping with your friends is healthy and a good way to learn defining & maintaining boundaries especially if you're queer. And in the replies them saying oh yes well straight people aren't going to get it they can't keep from being weird about it like that was their main concern. But I've known it as a fact my whole life that  just the idea of viewing me sexually promotes disgust in people. I'm older but when I was younger I tried to feel out how some friends, mostly queer, felt about it and it's like even bringing up the idea cast a pall over our relationship for a month that I had to spend acting like I don't experience any sexual emotions whatsoever. I only tried a couple of times before I stopped because I couldn't bear to ruin friendships that have helped me through really rough times in my life. And aside from the current partner the only person I've dated that was interested in sex at all outside of some sort of relationship obligation was the woman who tried to rape me.

I've tried to wrap my head around it for a really long time. For a while especially after the before mentioned thing I thought there was something really wrong with me and everybody knew it and I was the only one who didn't and that's why the only person who wanted to touch me was like that. But ever since I've moved up to Atlanta I've lost about 100 lbs over the past two or three years and ever since then people are flirty and it's like the decade and a half I spend relentlessly refining my ability to talk to people because i had nothing else to offer now is multiplied x 10 just because I'm not fucking fat. It makes me feel insane people are nicer about me being fucking gay now that I've lost weight!!!!! And now that I'm in a relationship I don't fucking care about sex with anyone else and I can't help but feel like my partner just doesn't want sex anymore! It's like I'm spiraling down a fucking toilet drain but what's getting flushed is my humanity. I don't feel like a person I feel like a fucking ken doll or a mass of flesh pulsating and writhing and just existing and I hate it a lot a lot. And then whenever I can put that to the side and just try to focus on myself or work or a million other things it's something else!

I've been working at a sports stadium servicing vip suites, so my schedule has been relentless, this past week alone I worked 60 hours over 6 days. I haven't been sleeping or eating very well at all so I was really expecting to pass out yesterday, and I did! I fell asleep at 10 and woke up around 4, so I figured I'd tool around on my phone and then fall back asleep. And it's so fucking stupid and childish but I saw this meme that was like "when my man looking good" and it was a woman that looks like my partner just kind of being like teasing or flirtatious but all I could think was this dead certainty that my partner feels the same way every other possible person has felt and likes being around me and thinks I'm kind and funny but just finds my body fucking disgusting and would much rather just not try to have sex with me or really be intimate in any way that would involve coming into contact or even talking about coming into contact with my body. And then I couldn't go back to sleep so I stared at my ceiling for three hours rotating it in my fucking head.

So now I'm back to fucking square one because obviously I'm not unattractive if people at work are flirting at me, this something is fundamentally wrong with me sex or body wise and everybody fucking knows it but me. so maybe I just need to stow it and grow the fuck up because this is the rest of my life and the best I'll get is a partner who loves me but finds sex with me repulsive and it'll never get better

Oh also the best part is I can't fucking talk about this to anybody because in the late 2010's there arose a genre of man who went around shopping around sob stories that look exactly like my stupid fucking shit so that they could guilt women into sleeping with them. So nobody will take this seriously especially my partner because what is the purpose of telling anybody about it unless of course I'm some sick fucking freak that's trying to guilt someone into sleeping with me.

I would be much happier if I was asexual. But I'm not. Fuck.

[ggamer]

So my father got me and my two younger brothers to the living room to talk today and asked us about our life plans and philosophy. It was less of a chat and more of an interrogation. The focal point was me. Of course that stupid auth-right, conservative fuck I call my father wanted to crack open the secretive one. He failed to learn anything more about me, but we did talk about my plans for the future.

I don't have them. He asked me if I am aware of my immaturity. I am. I think about it every single fucking day, how people in my age, or were my age when they began, accomplish great things and find their place so easily. But I said no, because fuck him. He asked me what I wanted to do in the future. I want to curl up and die, but I said teaching as that is what I am studying at uni, because fuck him. He said he wanted to know more about me. And I said he would never. Because. Fuck. Him.

Why? Because all that ''I love you and I am concerned about you!'' talk is a lie he isn't even aware that he is telling, and I know that. I am pan. He caught me reading a comic with PG gay romance in it when I was 12. He didn't do anything, but he said that what I did was unacceptable, and if I continued further, he would get more serious. I used incognito from then on and the fucking idiot thought he ''solved the issue''. That's when I realised that lie. He loves an imaginary version of me that never existed. A heterosexual, neurotypical one. He doesn't likes me. He hates me with all his core. Only reason he doesn't knows that he does is because I simply never told him the reason. I hate him as well for it. With all my heart. His love is fake, and so is my mothers for the exact same reasons. They would kick me to the curb the moment they knew.

If a muslim parent is forced to pick between their religion and their child, They will always choose their dogshit religion. This is an undisputable fact proven by a million disownments and a thousand honor killings.

...

so yea

Also, I accidentally crushed a snail today. That made me sad a bit.

I'm sorry you have to go through this nobody should have to feel like you do when shit like this happens. I'm sure you've got plans in the works, but I hope when you put some distance between yourself and your dad it helps.

[nenjin]

*snip*

Man that's a lot.

My casual read is that you've developed severe body dysmorphia. Even though you lost 100 pounds and can recognize that people interact with you differently because of it, at your core, you're filled with disgust for yourself and, at least to some degree, project that out into the world.

I had to learn to never, ever take flirting seriously. I still struggle with reacting to it. People are disingenuous as fuck out there. I make it a point never to flirt with people I'm not actively interested in because I hate giving (and getting) false impressions. The worst is when you flirt with someone and they take it seriously and now you gotta walk it back because you couldn't keep your tone in check. But there are absolutely people out there that flirt because it makes THEM feel good and the person on the other end is, at best, an afterthought. They don't struggle with telling you the truth because your feelings didn't matter to them in the first place.

Spoiler: A bizarre, sad thing I witnessed around flirting (click to show/hide)

Be me, going to the lake with a woman who I'm not dating but we've been intimate. Sort of a "friends that fuck" kind of thing. As we pull into the lake a guy in a tricked out motorized wheel chair is along the road. She thinks it's really cool. She stops and starts talking to this guy. About his wheel chair, but more generally, just dropping lots of loaded language like she's flirting.

The guy is clearly interested and invigorated. An attractive woman stopping a dude in a wheel chair and using sexually charged language? Must be his lucky day!

We park and find a spot on the beach and set our stuff up, and here comes the guy in the wheelchair. He tries to start up a conversation with her and she immediately cold shoulders him and goes out into the water where he can't follow.

The guy looks at me, obviously confused AF and wondering where I fit into this picture and the best I can do is give him a shrug.

You can see on the man's face how he realizes he's been used, if for nothing than as someone for her to flirt with. He turns away and drives back up the beach.

I felt for this man, as a man. The light in his eyes when he thought someone was legimately interested in him was painful to watch get snuffed out as the truth dawned on him.

People fucking suck. It's not just women that do this. I've watched guys flirt with women they had no real interest in and watched the same thing happen. It's heartbreaking to see.

But you're in a relationship. Have you actually talked to your partner about intimacy, and what's changed? Is it possible you are magnifying your own body dysmorphia and are projecting it on to your partner as well? Because point in fact, if they sense you are not happy with your body and you don't find yourself attractive in your own eyes, they will eventually agree with you. Nobody "pity fucks" forever. Nobody, even your partner, will constantly fuck you to make you feel better about yourself because that's draining on them as well. Not saying that's what's happening, maybe there is an issue between you in terms of your intimacy, but you have to talk that out rather than assuming and projecting.

I hear you though. There are days I'm grateful for my libido, and there are days I wish I could throw it in a fucking lake and never look back.

[ChairmanPoo]

Everytime I see somebody on social media or hear people talk about sex their body and how the two normally work for them in life it makes me feel intensely disgusting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N87CwxwitNo

[nenjin]

Everytime I see somebody on social media or hear people talk about sex their body and how the two normally work for them in life it makes me feel intensely disgusting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N87CwxwitNo

Fabricator General ain't got no game.

But he does have dual Plasma Cannons.