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[Magmacube_tr]

Just... thinking about how my life's going. In an existential sense. I feel unsatisfied. I feel... not empty. I feel like I am missing something. I think.

I think I am struggling with getting out of my comfort zone.

The reason for my uncertainty is because this realm of thought doesn't comes naturally to me. I am a being of structures, frameworks, presets, and rythm. I genuinely have no idea. I just exist according to myself for the most part, as this jumble of indecipherable stuff. And a large part of is content with that. It feels natural to just be. To just exist as this amorphous mental thing. To be boastfully uncaring towards whatever that may mean to anything and anyone else.

But another part of me wants more. It stubbornly questions if I am satisfied with my current state. It wants to truly mean something. To itself. To someone else. It thinks taking pride in being unreadable is a pathetic thing. That the very short and finite existence I am currently leading is a lukewarm one that will be wastefully spent in incomprehending silence from both me and other people.

I am 20 years old. Assuming that I will live for another 60 years or so, I have approximately 22.000 days left to exist. That's dauntingly short compared to anything universally, or even historically significant. Am I really content to spend this time just being?

A part of me says "Yes."

Another says "No."

And the rest is cacaphonic chaos.

[Great Order]

Ever heard of existentialism or absurdism?

They're both philosophies that hinge on the idea that there's no real reason to life, but unlike nihilism they don't go into the edgier aspects. Existentialism revolves around creating personal meaning to life while acknowledging that it's still got no ultimate meaning, absurdism is basically embracing the absurdity of the strive for meaning and rationality in a meaningless and irrational universe.

It's not easy, it took me about a year before I finally had my post-depressive existential angst settle down, and that was with a lot of hour-long car trips that I used to run through this stuff in my head. Reading up on others thoughts on it was helpful.

And I wouldn't worry overly much about pushing your comfort zone constantly, just do it occasionally to open up more fun things and prevent your comfort zone becoming smaller. As Northernlion put it, "You know what would be shitty? Is if I spent my whole life doing things that made me uncomfortable just to make other people think that I was living life to its fullest, that's a bullshit way to go man."

[dragdeler]

Tickling my paranoia again? What would it take to be proud of being incrompehensible... I can think of a few stereotypes to stick to that description but I'd rather not play that role again. It's a phrase to ponder.

Incromprehenibility means failure to communicate, I know I'm a failure but I'm done trying to change much about. It's not about playing the blame game, it takes two, but that doesn't matter, you can only control your own output. Well there must be something beyond volume, tone, rythm, posture, gesture and tailoring your vocabulary and your dialect to your surroundings...Even beyond superficial looks and monkey brain trying to establish hierarchies, because I attribute many of things that went favorably for me to a sort of halo effect, so I can't be entirely hopeless when it comes to that, eventhough I never felt like it I have to assume that I'm able myself appear bigger in the face of threats. Whatever the fuck it is that commandeers attention in the simplest situations, I don't have it, I'm not the one. Kid me was such a freak challenged myself to just go to school in french when I barely knew to conjugate have and be in present tense, talk about leaving your comfort zone. Ate a bunch of shit thinking it's normal to have to push yourself for everything. Took me until 30 or so to realize that every one of my failures was strongly correlated to the fact that I do not have the means to create myself the space (&time) needed to accomodate myself... I know only how to find coping mechanisms and to obsessively abuse them., before moving on to the next thing. Or maybe that is just the self image I have cultivated for myself in order maintain this oh so desirable cycle of burnouts because I was just born lazy right.. What's occrams razor, real logic dictates that you hypothesize in order to try to find a way make me the culprit. Yes it's fraught with irony for me to say that after all this, but I couldn't convey the half of it. Want to know some really strong values instilled into me as a kid? My thoughts and faith have a strong effect on the outcome of things, thus a bad outcome must have strong reasons stemming from my mental impurity, yeah because that's the other tip of that blade. And that my more verbose personality aspects are actually deeply repulsive. Idk why the heck I didn't turn out worse still.

A thought that allready occupied me today before engaging with this thread:

Normal people are only preoccupied with gaming their surroundings in order to extract an advantage. Not normal people are only preoccupied with passing and being accepted as normal people.

[Magmacube_tr]

Tickling my paranoia again? What would it take to be proud of being incrompehensible... I can think of a few stereotypes to stick to that description but I'd rather not play that role again. It's a phrase to ponder.

What I mean by it is my knee-jerk reaction to demands of compliance and synchronisation by the people around me. I am a queer autist that exists in a very conservative culture. I am both The Different™ and lack the ability to cloak that otherness when interacting with people.

I am the creepy weirdo who sits in his own silence and while open to communication, shares none of your likes, interests, cultural values and worldviews, and the ones he has are strange and alien, so you can't relate to him at all.

The incomprehensibility here stems from both my inability to communicate myself, and the inability of the other side to pick it up due to differences in the ways of thinking. I don't get them. They don't get me. No real bridge forms. Both of us get stuck in standby mode, speaking out of necessity and not out of connection.

I am no alien. I can navigate my way through life to survive; I can use human languages and pick up on stuff sometimes. I have, and still can survive.

Bullies cannot latch onto me. People cannot get under my skin, what they consider as insulting is not insulting to me. I can blatantly ignore any and all religious and cultural norms and any reprimands for that will go null on me. I am proud of the fact that I can survive by drilling holes through societal fabric.

But life is not just survival. What I am proud of actively precludes any meaningful social interaction. And whenever I try to walk that path, I hit walls which I cannot percieve or drill through.

I am not trying to be normal. I am not the norm. I am the crooked nail on the plank. I know that. And I won't pretend otherwise.

[Great Order]

Assignment work, didn't sleep or drink properly, got dehydrated which kicked in properly about 5 hours ago when my brain suddenly went "OH SHIT! You're thirsty!". Drank 2.8L of water over 2-3 hours. I swear my sense of thirst is fucked, I don't feel thirsty until I'm either already drinking or really need to drink.

Now my gut's starting up again. Pain and relentless farts.

[Frumple]

My thirst reaction's pretty borked, too, tbh. Best thing I've managed for it is to just have water available, basically all the time -- I keep a gallon jug within arm's reach if I'm at home, and instead of sip "when thirsty" (for that way lies dehydration headaches and misery), just... drink occasionally. Whether you're actively thirsty or not. It's not perfect by a long shot but it's a lot better than it used to be, heh.

[dragdeler]

The trick is to smoke so much that you can start actively feeling the glycemic index of everything. At that point you will be sipping water left and right all day long.

[Great Order]

Had a quick look at the exam for my stats module. I'm really not happy with it.

Thankfully it's open book and I have until the 12th to do it.

I'm also ill during exam season, and it's knocking the stuffing out of me which is really not great. Might be part of what fucked me up last night.

[anewaname]

My understanding of "sudden thirst" when you haven't been sweating is that it can also be related to having eaten too much salt. It is part of the body trying to balance levels in the bloodstream and in the cells. So, maybe it is something you've been eating (in conjunction with the "I'm getting older and some balances oscillate more").

[Great Order]

No, this is consistent regardless of my salt intake. I know when that's the case.

Anyway, one of the worse aspects of this cold in particular is that it sets my nose itching without letting me sneeze. It's horrendous.

[dragdeler]

Im my own prison warden, I was willing to have a very boring week, to give my ears extra time to heal... After two days it went to shit again and i don't really know what I did wrong. Sometimes some manouveurs help sometimes they don't BUT never do I get to be any wiser If there is any suspicion of pus there is an active infection and I should keep desinfecting it or not. I'm tired of allways being afraid that I made it worse, fucking in november my head was all numb, that's alarming did I allready forget... No have two good days start allready wondering to what degree I might have been simulating.

I'm so broken I'm my own prison warden in so many other ways, oh you only slept and you suspect you might be a little better? Is that all you got to show for worthless piece of shit should have been like the other day when you reformated 2277 mp3 filenames by hand... Yes you should at least do one thing monumental every day, then your broken self worth can finally get the message and you get to feel all manic for the rest of the day and be unable to sleep until 6-7am.

Just escape, go outside... Yes winter ear, still no bike, still no mobility still the same idiot screwed up a gig where all you had to do was not care and lie occasionally, still not a good idea to be twosting my neck in weird angles to do weird mechanical projects I got in my head for some reason, still waiting.


There aren't many things  I can watch to pass the time... Not that easy to find laid back, yet clear orators, who really manage to stay within a narrow range of volume, and who's voice is easy to understand yet unconducive to ear fatigue... Something I can run at very low volumes and understand well... I've amassed a mountain of petty grievances over this with many creators. Take Tom Nicholas for example, you'd think it's S tier voice goomg by memory alone right... Meh too dynamic, often lowers voice and pitch shifts for dramatic effect... Fucking all the syllables are there and I'm still struggling and no we won't go past 12-14 volume until you can prove that I'm allowed to exist for a week with like sleeping with a pillow and really normal fucking shit... and not just have brief episodes of good hearing that return promptly to "no come back did i do something wrong". Is it petty? What do I control regarding my covalescence? I'm my own prison warden in so many ways.


Oh also got it in my head that I needed to finish dragon dogma before I'm allowed to install any other games, silly me thinking I could at least get through a soulsLITE, this shit has me wondering wether I even like videogames.... Ah so I was supposed to kill the big dragon before the island, thanks for not making that any clearer... but I went and rolled my eyes at 20 min cutscenes and quick time events, and more really vague choices in a savegame system born under the zodiac sign of assrape. Then I get to finally fight him and every half decent grab has me fighting that awful combination of restrained camera freedom, a leg between the camera and the char, and controls changing depending on how you look/ where you are.... Pulling me into his armpit rather than towards his heart, like a gravitational sink. ALT F4 out there first death thay
t thing has like 5 healtbars and my reward will be fighting tankier shit.

[JoshuaFH]

Hey everyone. It's been a while. I hope you guys are doing alright.

I'm just dealing with the same things as always. Feeling lonely, but the world is lonely, and any possibility of human contact is impossible. At least it feels impossible. I'm getting caught in these anxiety spirals where my life feels farcical, and all my thoughts are farcical, and everything I do is farcical; and I just feel fucking stupid and there's no value to anything in my life and I've done this to myself. I just wish I had someone to talk to, maybe to hug as well; I think that would defeat most of my anxiety, but this is the curse that's been cast on me, and it feels I simply must live with it until the day I die.

I'm off to bed, hugging my pillow activates a bit of the parasympathetic(?) nervous system I think. I have work tomorrow and it just never gets easier.

[Great Order]

Existential angst, 10/10, wouldn't recommend.

This is me feeling pretty melancholic about how ephemeral everything is. I don't care that I'll die, or rather I do but to explain my feelings on it would take too long, but everyone I know will die too and that's what gets me. Unless something happens to me, I'll be around to witness my mum's death as surely as my dad's, and probably some of my older friends or those more prone to self-destructive behaviours. And after they die their place in the world's going to fade too. Their favourite coffee shop will eventually be bought or demolished, their house will be sold on, sports clubs they attend will forget about them, eventually nobody will be around to remember them. It'll be as if they didn't ever exist.

I think I need more self-affirming activities right now. Maybe once my exams are done I can start shopping around for more things to do, especially with other people.

[dragdeler]

Hey josh, I'm doing, m'yeah... You know how it is.

I would prefer everybody to outlive me, hold on strong for another 15-20 years that should be enough.

[Magmacube_tr]

Hey josh, I'm doing, m'yeah... You know how it is.

I would prefer everybody to outlive me, hold on strong for another 15-20 years that should be enough.

...Why am I feeling a bit worried, all of a sudden?