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[Execute/Dumbo.exe]

Shit.
I thought I was going well, and I was! I started going opto the gym, having some semblance of a sleeping schedule, having a physical hobby, actually occasionally enjoying myself at school, but then hey, guess what! EXAMS! And a visit to my dad, who, guess what, has Parkinsons! Isn't that just swell, not like -to pick an entirely random example- you were already feeling like a social outcast in your father's swanky new home because of his seeming inability to properly show affection and subsequent reliance on gift-giving to show his love, something which you already have trouble with because of your guilt when accepting gifts in any form!
And now my stomachs twisting up in knots, which I can't tell is because of me eating too many peas, my immense guilt and frustration about the situation with dad, or because I've been reading too much of Worm, something that inevitably screws with my emotions once I read for too long and start subconciously blending parts of the grimdark story with the real world!
I know this is temporary, and it'll settle, but it's just a big jumble right now, and I really don't do well with jumbles.

[Yoink]

The more I think about things, the less likely it seems that they will work out.
I'd really hoped to be able to change and improve my life in the near future, but it's seeming more and more unlikely.

Or at least, the improvement part is unlikely. I imagine I could effect at least some changes, but probably not good ones.

[Kot]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The day went perfectly as I suspected. No words spoken. I just feel really sad.

[TheBiggerFish]

*hugpats everybody*

[Spehss _]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A psychologist who has researched video game addiction visited the school my Mother teaches at the other day. As a result in apparently not allowed to get a programming type job or study it and if I point out the hypocrisy in treating movies or books differently to games my world apparently revolves around games and I'm addicted. It's starting to really piss me off.

That's some shit. Did you try to point out that programming can be used for things other than video games?

[chaotic skies]

Why does my memory have to be so randomly vivid? I mean, sure. It's great to not need to study a lot because I can memorize what a specific page in a book looks like. But I don't need to remember, in exact detail, every little thing I didn't want to do or did wrong or just regret in general. Seriously; I can remember the faces of random people I saw at a ball game nearly 3 months ago, and there's no point. But can I remember dates and times outside of school? Nope.

[Jopax]

Yeah, the whole logic leap of computer, therefore games is a bit stupid. Like sure, if you're gaming for the most part it can be a bit worrying, but if you're a programmer then you're supposed to be working on the computer, not gaming, so I'm not sure what exactly is the concern. That you'll be spending more time at the PC? Well that's a fact of life for a rather large number of occupations these days :V

Anyways, personal sad, lack of sleep, and a slowly draining will to do anything. I should be painting, should've been for the past three days, but I just can't bring myself to do PS right now, even traditional media is feeling somewhat forced as of late :I

[TheBiggerFish]

Why does my memory have to be so randomly vivid? I mean, sure. It's great to not need to study a lot because I can memorize what a specific page in a book looks like. But I don't need to remember, in exact detail, every little thing I didn't want to do or did wrong or just regret in general. Seriously; I can remember the faces of random people I saw at a ball game nearly 3 months ago, and there's no point. But can I remember dates and times outside of school? Nope.

The human brain is an amazingly complex thing.

And we're biased to remember things we did wrong so we don't do it again.

But nevertheless, *hugs*

Yeah, the whole logic leap of computer, therefore games is a bit stupid. Like sure, if you're gaming for the most part it can be a bit worrying, but if you're a programmer then you're supposed to be working on the computer, not gaming, so I'm not sure what exactly is the concern. That you'll be spending more time at the PC? Well that's a fact of life for a rather large number of occupations these days :V

Anyways, personal sad, lack of sleep, and a slowly draining will to do anything. I should be painting, should've been for the past three days, but I just can't bring myself to do PS right now, even traditional media is feeling somewhat forced as of late :I

Dude goto sleep.

[Magnumcannon]

Magnum is gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

so gay

gay cannon

fire the gay cannon

i'm right aren't i

lol

I have a single problem which i'm VERY ashamed about it. It just keeps leading to other problems and then back to itself, like a vicious cycle. I don't really feel like putting it public here. It's somewhat taboo. But i think it has something to do with my lack of confidence and isolation...i don't know which causes which, but they're related.

There are a couple people you could probably talk to privately.  Tiruin, mostly (but ask them first).  Or see about going to a therapist.

Nevertheless, *hugs*.

If for some reason you really do want to talk to me I will promise to keep it private.

====

Re:rootbeer floats:Yes, they are awesome.  Although I prefer sodas that aren't root beer in mine.

thanks

[SOLDIER First]

The Iron Giant ;-;7

[TD1]

Hey, at least he lives at the end! Errr...sort of.

[Orange Wizard]

The Iron Giant ;-;7

I remember that movie from when I was... what, six? Good stuff.

Hey, at least he lives at the end! Errr...sort of.

Do androids dream of electric missiles

[TheBiggerFish]

Ahem.  Spoilers.

[BlackHeartKabal]

Such a lovely headline to see literally one hour after the dawning of a new day.

[JoshuaFH]

Spoiler: Wherein I use obscenity and anger that I'm not proud of (click to show/hide)

Even when I finally get out to try to have fun, I can't walk away without feeling like shit. I went to an FNM (Friday Night Magic), and met with a lot of my old acquaintances there from when I frequented frequently. I can't help but feel that every small social anxiety is the symptom of those neurotic underpinnings that rule my life. I'd been reading "Models" by Mark Manson, had informed me that to ever improve my attractiveness to others, I need to open up and become more 'vulnerable' with my real thoughts and feelings. I'd been keeping this in mind, so when of the more friendly acquaintances tell me he's a therapist, I try joking around and tell him I need a therapist, and I tell him the story of how I actually went to one, and he prescribed me anti-depressants, and I decide to not get them because the girl that runs the Clinic or whatever that hands out the scripts just-so-happens to have been the same girl that bullied me in highschool. He looked really concerned at me and says that that shit shouldn't even be bothering me anymore at my age, and I try to laugh it off saying it was years ago; but the truth being that it was maybe 1 year ago, and it still bothers me to this day. That was too much to lay on a guy that was basically a stranger to me, it was a bad shitty idea of me, and I can't help but feel my stomach curdle up thinking about it. I actually wanted desperately to get his advice on what I should do about getting a new Therapist, since the last one quietly sloughed me off, undoubtedly for being such a difficult, stubborn, and unfixable patient as I am, even after we'd known eachother for more than a year at the point, but he had already told me that I was his longest and most recurrent patient by far at that point. So even though the FNM was fun, and people I hadn't seen in a long time recognized me by face and name, and people were as friendly and helpful as I've always remembered them, I just can't help but walk away shaking and regretful. That's what it always seems like, I can't make any decision, because I'll always regret the outcome.

There's a bit more to the story that I'm omitting, but I'm already rambling. But that's when I went home.

And I come home to my shitstain bedroom, having to ignore my Mom, who is fucking retardedly making animal noises ALL THE FUCKING TIME at our pets and I can't help but want to fucking explode at her. Anything she does, I just get angry. Her incompetence in raising me as a child has stolen the first 20 years of my life in the sense that my childhood was abysmal and meaningless, and probably the next 10+ years have to be spent by ME correcting the damage. So 30+ years of me living a shitty life cause you're a FUCKING STUPID BITCH.  It's like the effective length of my 'real living'... of the 'total enjoyability' of my life is shortened for no good reason. And even holding onto the grudge causes me mental and emotional discomfort, I'll never be truly happy because I hate you, but I can't even let go of this grudge BECAUSE IT DEFINES WHO I AM. It's such an odd coincidence that in the last ten or so years, she's incurred several crippling injuries from botched corrective surgeries, mellowing her out significantly from the violent bitch that raised me, but the damage is done, and I can't help but believe that the awful pain you feel every day is karmic justice for the irreplaceable time you've stolen from me. I idolize the peaceful, compassionate, thoughtful, forgiving, and caring people of the world, but I'll never be one because deep in my heart is a permanently reserved spot for how much I hate you, which I'll take with me to the day I die.