There's a new guy at my work that frankly does not know how to socially interact with people. He talks to seemingly himself nigh-constantly, has this semi-sincere dead-eyed look, and is overall just ... weird. He'll say 'you're welcome' when he asks you for help with something and you agree. His trains of conversations stop and start completely at random, he'll start offering details of his personal life with absolutely no prompting - the way he commonly starts conversations is to just start saying something like 'I'm having a pretty good day today, I had pizza for lunch, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc', and it's impossible to tell if he's trying to talk to you or muttering really loudly to himself. He's never been hostile or anything, yet literally everyone in my department despises him. It's outright bizarre, even the dude who outright sexually harassed everyone wasn't this badly received.
For my part I find him annoying - to the extent that he makes my eye involuntarily twitch when I'm around him - but I could tolerate him. I've tolerated worse people in my life with no issues before, you just ignore them as best you can and put them out of your mind, do what you can to find the good sides to them.
But he makes my friends miserable. I was visiting them - okay, visiting the one girl who's caused me so much consternation over the last two years because I'm an doofus who can't learn from my mistakes - and she was outright miserable; the guy apparently annoyed the head cook into leaving early because she was 'sick', causing everyone else - my friend and two others - to have a shitty night. It's ... I don't like disliking people. I really don't. I enjoy seeing people as solely negative constructs. Shit, even my stepfather who I never talk to or see anymore on account of the 10+ years of emotional abuse I still see as a good person in some aspects. But this guy ... fuck, it feels bad and crude to form an opinion of him like that just from such a short timespan of knowing him, but I really, really don't like him. He makes the person I
see I don't know if I can call it love. Well, I can, it fits all the classic hallmarks - I've stopped looking at her on a solely physical level and can readily point out flaws in her personality, but am captivated by her anyway. I've known her for over two years, have an ingrained instinct to stop whatever I'm doing and go to her if she needs help with something, like a lot of the same things as her, etcetera etcetera etcetera, but what if that's still just infatuation? It's stupid to doubt my own feelings like this - what the fuck else do you call it if it's your first instinct to prioritize their wellbeing above your own - but what if I'm just isolated and lonely and want a companion more than I can love a person? Shit, I was well on my way to completely getting over my feelings for her - I hadn't talked to or seen her for a few weeks and I was feeling lighter and freer because I finally had that stress of wanting to be with her but having to deny myself because she was in a relationship off my back - and then just 5 days ago she comes up to me while I'm working sobbing like a baby because she broke up with her boyfriend and felt horrible about it so I spent like 20 minutes consoling her and listening to her before she bussed home and all those feelings came rushing back in an infinitesimal fraction of the time it took to get rid of them. And now she's theoretically available for a relationship - practically speaking I probably won't be able to try anything with a reasonable chance of success for a month at least - so are my feelings back solely because I know now that it's possible? I ... I don't know. I know that it hurt to watch her cry and I want to make sure she never feels unhappy again if I can manage it, even if that means I have to resign myself to being a shoulder to lean on, or a convenience friend, or just standing on the sidelines supporting her and hiding my heartache for the rest of my life. Can you call that love? It feels like it, but feelings lie all the damn time. I dunno. I guess I'll go with it for now.
love miserable and that in turn makes me miserable and feel worthless because I can't make her feel better and I hate this guy who I've known for barely three weeks for it and I feel disgusted with myself because I shouldn't be that goddamn judgemental and now I've spent nearly the whole evening feeling shitty about myself because one goddamn guy couldn't be a socially adept person, and this in turn also makes me feel shitty about feeling shitty about myself because it wasn't me he was affecting with his shittiness, it was my friend. What right have I to feel all self-pitying and shit over something that ostensibly doesn't even effect me?
So essentially my whole evening's been spent being trapped up in a big ball of conflicting sads because someone else felt bad. I've been feeling sad for being selfish because
I couldn't make my friend feel better and out of a more selfish bent because my friend was stressed at the same time. It's ... eurgh. I don't like it.
And yet it's only a product of my own mind - I only feel shitty like this on my own. It's just a shame that I don't connect with friends more. I haven't hung out outside of work with anyone I know for more than two, probably three or four months. I really should. Just don't know how. I occasionally ask but the plans never go anywhere no matter who I ask. So I don't know if I should stop bothering or ... God I'm a mess. I won't feel as bad tomorrow, but God I'm a mess. It's a constant struggle to not sink down into depression, and doing it without the metaphorical life vests that friends provide just makes it more difficult. And I know that I do a good job keeping a good attitude, keeping myself occupied, and right now is only one of my occasional slipups. Happens to everyone. But fuck if it doesn't feel shitty when I hit my lowest points like this and I don't have anyone I can talk to but a fucking cat. I should talk to more people other than my one friend, because she's a busy person and can't talk much - or maybe doesn't want to but no that's anxiety talking - but conversations never last long and there's never any followup so I've stopped bothering for the most part. I've been told that I can't rely on other people to start the conversation, that I gotta put effort in, but when I not only have to contact someone, start a conversation, laboriously carry it through whatever awkward semblance of halfhearted responses they give, but do the same for every subsequent conversation, it starts to feel like I'm not wanted. I know that's not necessarily the case, but when I stopped trying to talk to my friend regularly because I felt like I didn't have anything to talk about and she never really responded with anything but generic replies - likely just busy - I didn't get a single message from anyone for like 4 months. I was still seeing her once or twice a week at work of course, but I get tired of that. I wanna interact with someone while I'm not working. I want to talk with my friend about something other than the workplace that I've grown so fucking apathetic towards. I want to feel wanted. And I don't know that I can get that anywhere in my life right now; closest I have is the karate dojo I go to and I've been going there three times a week an hour's drive there and back, two hours bussing, for like 8 years now. I love going there, it's the only thing keeping me sane sometimes, but it doesn't translate over into the rest of my life.
I don't go out of the house at all, because that would imply that someone wants to meet me out there. I don't drink - well, I do, but I haven't for probably two months because alcohol's a social drug and if I started drinking on my own I'd likely either become an alcoholic. I don't spend money at all because I never go out, I don't go to parties or ... I don't do anything people my age typically do, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but for the most part I don't because they're all social things and I don't ever get invited to anything. Shit, even my one close friend I hear all the time from about the stuff she does with people and I can't help but think 'why am I never a person you hang out with? I get that you're busy, but we're friends, aren't we?' And of course that's being kinda selfish because I see her at work fairly regularly but shit that's just not enough sometimes. I wanna talk about something other than my stupid fucking job and the new fucking stupid co-worker and hear about all the people you're hanging out with and wonder what that would be like because it's been so long I've nearly fucking forgotten.
But the few times I've asked, the plans fall through like they always do. I never get a message saying when exactly we'll hang out, or if one particular day is okay or not, or if she even wants to. It happens solely because I try to force it and the moment the planning goes over to her I never hear back. And then when the day comes about and I'm at work because I got called in and figured why the fuck not, she hasn't replied back so it's probably a no, she comes by and visits while hanging out with someone else. It's ... I feel bad about being jealous and angry like this. She can do what she likes, I'm probably just not doing something right in my interactions or my perception is biased. But still.
Man, fuck depression. And fuck whoever keeps bugging me to have kids, not only am I not willing to sacrifice my (failing) dreams and life to create someone else's, I wouldn't pass this onto anyone else for all the money in the world.
I'm tired, I can tell. I'll feel better after sleeping. Not necessarily happy, but forum games will have updated, webcomics posted, people shared stupid timewasting facebook links. Stuff to occupy my brain and distract it from my depression, which tends to come out when I'm alone with my thoughts like this.
Bleh. That turned rambly real fast.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9753402 times)