So, finals are over. Two weeks of no school.
So... yeah. I still don't know anything about my crush, or if she has a bf or not. I don't have the slightest clue of what to do, or think. And it fucking bothers me. I still have at least one more class with her. What do I do? Worse, I might have a class with her every week for the rest of the year. Not talking to people is the easiest way, and that's obviously what I did, even knowing it would land me in a situation like this.
That's not really an option if I'm in a class with her, which just stresses me out more. If I'm in a class with her for the rest of the year, I would have no idea of what to do (that sentence again.). She'll probably have friends or even her probably-boyfriend in that class. I might too, but it'd just be coincidence. Anyway, I'll probably just be paralysed if that would happen. I know I can't deal with talking to people in groups where they have friends and I don't, but I really don't want to be the awkward friendless guy sitting in a corner (again). I also don't want to be the awkward stalkery guy who makes any conversation awkward. Probably-boyfriend would be the worst.
These are all pretty bad scenarios, but even if it was just her... I don't know if I'd be able to handle an awkward conversation every week where I'd feel more awkward avoiding her than talking to her.
This is obviously on the assumption that I would be in a class with her. I might not be. In that case I'd probably also feel shitty.
And there's more fucking worries. Those were just the concrete ones. I don't even know what I'm feeling, or thinking. I can't seem to let go, because just coincidentally sitting a row behind her in the theatre causes me a huge amount of stress. I don't know if I want to or if I should. I don't even know how she or anybody else sees me. And I can't think of anything to do about it, because even if I had an idea every one is blocked by a huge pile of anxiety.
And I'm meeting a new therapist in January, my previous therapist stopped right after I was convinced my crush had a bf. I thought it would be ok and that I could find some peace and that meeting the new therapist in January would be ok but it's not.