I've got quite a bad feeling I want to try to get off my chest now. I don't know if it will help but it's worth a shot.
In case you aren't aware, I'm a girl. 28 years old. I also have high-functioning autism. As a child I was a tomboy. I didn't really have any friends until I moved to Europe 5 years ago. I had one boyfriend and two girlfriends in the States but the relationships were not very good and I always got hurt in the end. I didn't understand what was normal and acceptable and what wasn't, so I was very easily taken advantage of. On the other hand, I never dressed in a traditional "girly" way. I always insisted on wearing comfortable boys clothes and often cut my hair short.
Bottom line, guys were not very interested in me. I never really had to deal with unwanted attention - in fact, I never even managed to get any *wanted* attention.
Fast forward to Europe. I get diagnosed at last, learn some social skills. I try dating a guy again, get my heart broken again. I fall in love with a girl. Still nothing has happened, but that's where my attention is. As part of my informal social skills training, some female friends teach me to dress in a more feminine way without it being too uncomfortable. I go to clubs and suddenly men I don't know are walking up to me and touching me, hitting on me, buying me drinks and trying to get me alone so they can kiss me. I have no interest in any of these guys. The only people I would ever be interested in doing anything physical with would be someone I know well and am comfortable with. Not a stranger. So I start wearing baggier clothes again. I'm torn between not wanting to be alone forever and not wanting guys to feel entitled to touch me or tell me to "smile, you'd be so much more beautiful."
The girl I like, she likes me even if I dress like a sack of potatoes. She still gives me mixed signals and won't allow anything to happen between us, but she has made it clear that she's attracted to me (and yes, she's primarily interested in girls). I've been getting more confident. I can see that I am more attractive because I *feel* attractive, but I always try to dress in a way that doesn't generally appeal to men.
There's a five-year-old autistic boy I've worked with for the past few years. He's brilliant and wonderful and I look forward to our Friday afternoons together all week. I pick him up from school and we go to the playground or something, hang out for three hours, then I take him home. His father works from home so he's there to let us in. His father is a huge guy. Big, tall, deep booming voice, he'd be a professional wrestler or American football player in the states. He's the kind of person you can't argue with. You disagree with something and he glares at you and says "NO, you're WRONG" and waits for you to submit. He's always been very nice to me though. He loves his son and wants the best for him. Sometimes we chat and he asks me about different ways to deal with him when he's being difficult.
Yesterday I get to his preschool and the dad is there, ranting at the teachers about how it's all his wife's fault. She's too soft, she lets him do everything, he will deal with it this time. The two teachers, both women even smaller than me, are clearly hoping he'll leave soon. It turns out the boy broke a toy in the classroom, on purpose, for the third time now. I can see why - he enjoys the feeling of pulling apart the different pieces and doesn't really understand that this is not the correct way to play with it. It's something we have to work on.
The dad informs me that he made a deal with the boy in the morning: if he breaks another toy, he gets a spanking when he gets home. This is not something they generally do, but they are trying to find a way to show him clearly where the boundaries are and what is not acceptable. He says he'll wait until after our "lesson" together, when I go home, and he tells the boy this.
Instead of going home to wait for us as usual, he comes with us. We go to the playground and there is a pub there. He goes in and orders a double vodka. Then a beer. Then another. He's quickly very drunk. He's harassing the other kids at the playground, who run in terror. He starts taking pictures of us, as he sometimes does, but then he tells me he's not taking pictures of his son, just me. He starts telling me how lovely I am, how cute, how sweet, how humble. He starts ranting about his wife, how she's a terrible mother, how he's miserable. He starts telling me I should just shoot him right now. He wants to die. He can't live this life anymore. I'm trying to just play with the kid and ignore him but he won't be ignored, this guy. He's used to people paying attention to him. He gets right in my face and keeps on raving. He starts patting my head, telling me over and over how lovely I am, showing me some of the pictures he took of me. He occasionally reminds his son that he's getting a spanking when he gets home. He starts emotional rants about how he doesn't want to hit him, he doesn't want to hurt him, he loves him so much, but he has to do it, he has to do this, it's the only way. The kid is picking up on how upset he is, and starts panicking. He starts crying and begging his dad not to hit him.
This lasts for three hours. I want to run away and leave, but I'm terrified of this guy, and I'm also afraid to leave the boy alone with him. I can see that he really does love his son and doesn't want to hurt him, but I can see how badly he's hurting him by telling him over and over that he's going to get hit when he gets home. And the guy won't stop hitting on me. He keeps asking questions about things I've posted on the internet that I didn't tell him about. He must have been looking me up. I don't think he would make any overt moves on me in public, but a big guy like that, it's not like I could stop him.
At last the time is up, we walk home, the boy is screaming, the dad is yelling and raving about his wife, asking me again to just shoot him in the head. He pays me, continues rambling as I quickly try to comfort the boy and tell him I'll see him soon and to be good and it would be okay, and I say I have to go get my bus and get out of there. On the way to the bus stop, I pass his wife on her way home from work. She asks me how it was and I just say well, your son broke a boy again, he's crying, doesn't want any punishment of course, I hope it will be okay. She looks very concerned, of course, but I just keep walking.
In the evening I'm still shaken. I go to a party with my friends. I tell them what happened and they comfort me, give me lots of hugs. I start to feel better. Then the party gets bigger, loads and loads of strange people showing up. I'm dressed in my usual baggy stuff but guys are hitting on me. One guy, a creepy one with cold eyes, I can see him going around making advances on every girl, kissing many of them, they escape mostly and he moves on to the next one. He walks up to me, makes small talk while I try to find a way out, then puts his arm around me and asks if I have a boyfriend. I say no, I like girls. He looks irritated. He leans in further, grabs my hand. "Do you still make out with guys sometimes, though?" No, I say firmly. I really don't. Then I got away. A little while later he approaches me again. He wants to reassure me that it's totally okay with him that I like girls. Like, he's totally cool with that. Girls are lovely, he can totally understand why they would like each other. So, you know, no big deal. I tell him okay and get away again.
After a few more hours I got out of there. Came home, slept. Woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It's the boy's dad. I ignore it. Then he sends me a text message, he wants to make sure he paid me, because he doesn't remember. He says his wife says I looked worried when she saw me on the street. He wants to ask if he did something bad to me. He's not apologizing, mind you, just checking whether anything bad happened because he was so drunk he blacked out. He ends the message by saying that if everything is fine, I don't have to answer him.
I haven't answered. I don't want to. I'm afraid to go back. On the other hand, I love that boy so much. I can't leave him with that family. I have to see him as often as I can. I have to try to find places to go with him alone, without his dad. I wish I could take him home with me.
I'm just so upset right now. A horrible sick feeling in my stomach that won't go away. I feel like I never want to see another man again. But what else can I do to protect myself from them? I dress as badly as I can but when a guy decides he wants to put his dick in something, he doesn't much care what it's wearing. I tell guys I'm a lesbian and the only reaction I get is "so... can we still make out?" followed by reassurance that they don't mind I'm into girls, as though it matters in the slightest what they think, as though they think I'm worried I've upset them somehow. Heaven forbid I should upset a man who finds me attractive and wants to claim me. I don't want to leave the house. Men wink at me when they pass me on the street. They tell me to smile. They think they have the right to expect me to look nice for them, to tell me how I should look, to "help" me make myself more attractive to men.
I'm supposed to be writing my NaNoWriMo novel and I can't focus. I can't sleep. I want to cry but it doesn't help. I want to run away from the whole world.
I guess writing all that down hasn't actually helped much. Maybe it will at least be educational for someone.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9423833 times)