Stupid real. Having all of these responsibilities is depressing. How do people go through life like this, grounded in reality during the week and desperately avoiding life on the weekends. At least that's what I feel like I'm doing. I feel inadequate while being productive and feel worthless when not. My entire real career is a hoax. I'm doing this as a front, a facade because it is what I am suppose to do. The one topic people near me are proud of is the very thing I don't ever want to be. I am not a compassionate student. I am not a smart person. I am confused and lost and everything hurts. My third week is on-going currently for my second semester of college and while it is a completely different setting I am also managing myself quite well given who I was before.
Of course, on the first day I was nervous and stairs were hell because my legs shake under stress. But after that my stomach was fine and there is no issue. It is nothing. I just now finished yet another English assignment, looked over some scholarships due next month, and now I plan to purchase a 99 cent drink at the store and study for the next Calculus II quiz. But...there's nothing here. I hate this. I am just moving along doing things I don't even care about.
I wake up this morning. It is painful. I am not being hurt, but it is painful. Oh great, another day to deal with. There is very little to look forward to. I amuse myself by being a cowardly dick (in my head) and trying desperately, anything to stimulate my mind in this dull, dull daily routine. At least in my free time I am able to forget. Completely ignore everything around me and absorb myself in what is wrong, what is incorrect, what is wasteful, weak, pathetic, pitiful. I hold only disdain for myself and it is depressing.
Everybody around me is hurting. My Father has not seen his daughter in months. He calls me and it hurts. It hurts a lot but I can't say anything. I am going to go over his house (he's at his parents now) just to be around him. It is my responsibility to seem him at least once a month. I will need to bring my school work.
My parents, my Mom and Step-Dad hate each other. I wake up to their screaming. They lie and doubt each other, money is stolen. Money is evil. I live at my Grandmother's with them. I get so mad at them for being so immature but I say nothing because I am weak.
My brother, my brother is sad and apathetic. He's missed school this whole week so far, not moving from his bed. In the morning I hear my Mother try to wake him up, he doesn't even respond. Not a word. All he does is curl up in his blanket further. Hiding form the real. When he is awake he responds to my greetings with groans and grunts.
Why is it like this. Why must I feel uncomfortable and sad. This is pathetic.
This summer I plan to work with my step-Dad at his job. It's just manual labor but I won't have anything to do this summer anyway. Just...hiding. I am also going to get my Driver's license. I applied for Work-Study for next semester too. So I can work even more like this.
Yesterday before Spanish my closest friend in college right now made the observation that I am "always pissed off and lethargic". He has known me since High School so I guess this was bound to happen I guess. It's crazy how nice people are to me. Is this just for public appearance or are they generally nice people or do they feel pity for me? I can't imagine why anybody would. I'm not even a nice person. I'm just a coward who's afraid of being hurt. I can't help but be hurt. It's so sad. Why is this so sad.