Since I started going to college, about three or four times so far, I found myself suddenly short of breath while on campus. Like one of my inhales will fail to do anything and I'll feel lightheaded for a second. It's worrying. I also feel like somebody is stabbing my heart but it's infrequent enough and only happens on campus that I chalk it up as my social stress level being too high as well. It's bothersome for me to constantly socialize with others. On some days I find myself speaking to multiple strangers for not too brief periods of time!
I have a pre-lab due for tomorrow but I am unable to understand it. It's short enough that I should be able to finish it during the twenty minute speech before lab while she explains it, or even while I wait for the sign-in line. However, this leads to a larger and also much more important subject.
Calculus and Chemistry. Out of my six classes these ones are hitting me the hardest. Computer science? Fine. Engineering? Easy-peasy. FYE? Unnecessary but easy enough. Spanish? Doing pretty swell. The fact that my two most difficult courses are also the ones I should be doing my best in is worrying.
I know my bounds. I know that I'm not a good student so I don't give any complaints and do the best I can. I'll study in the library and spend whole days on campus.
But then again...why? Why am I even going to college? Everything there is a challenge to me, why would I want to go out into public and watch myself struggle?
I think it's because I want to challenge myself. I don't want to be a reclusive hermit who melts away...but then again I kind of do. I don't want to do this. I want to do what I enjoy and while I sometimes enjoy my time in class or on campus I can not say it isn't difficult for my body and mind.
There are good moments but I find most of my time to be very...pointless. Meaningless. I haven't been given the time to think for seven weeks so when I finally give myself a moment to look at my situation I come to the conclusion that everything I'm doing now is just to fucking put stress and pressure on my mind and body. Why do I do this? I don't know. My conclusions are just best logical guesses with what I have and what I understand and use.
I don't want grades to bother me, but, in Chemistry say I probably have about a C or C-. Calculus would be a D+ if I'm lucky. (all the rest are either Bs or As) To enter the School of Engineering I need at least a 2.7GPA which is a B- I think. Since Chemistry and Calculus are such high credit courses they weigh a lot more too. I can't just get a D or C. I need at least a B- and it's fucking difficult.
And I have to pass Calculus I to get into Calculus II, which I need for major.
On the good side though, I've always found myself a slow to learn but easy to understand afterwards. The main negative to this nice quality though is that professors don't stay on the same material for longer than a class. I try to study out of class but I'm not getting any nice results at all. This was the same for shop during high school too. I always did pretty poorly on the first test but the proceeding tests were very well. Because either the tests are spread out very far or cover material very quickly I am unable to keep up with my jam packed courses this semester.
My only hope now is not to quit and just do better. Mas y mas bien. I don't know.
Certainly, playing a game for hours upon hours on your one free day this week wasn't the brightest move ever Toony.
Help me. ;_;