I'm beginning to understand why depression seems to skyrocket around this time of year. Almost, if not all, of the messages both subliminal and explicit bandied about in Christmas advertising, songs, and theme seem to be pinpointed towards my emotional vulnerable points. It doesn't help that I'm exposed to all three in excessive quantities at my job, which is also growing more stressful as the days go by, both due to this fucking emotional attraction that I not only didn't ask for but explicitly hoped wouldn't happen and the influx of customers buying shit as Christmas approaches.
Another thing about this is that I'm really good at my job - not a big accomplishment, I go multi-hour stretches without actually thinking - and the management in my department, who all like me quite a bit due to my work ethic, are starting efforts to cajole/pressure me into increasing my hours so I'm there more - currently I work almost but not quite full time and they want me to up that so they can promote me. I don't have the heart to tell them that I'm miserable at this job and am beginning to despise it with all of my internal organs. I mean, usually I'm an easygoing person and I haven't gotten angry in years but that place brings me as close as I've been for a while. I look at the customers I serve with actual disdain and resentment now. Why? I don't know them, they could be okay people. But because they bring me work I feel disgruntled towards them for no good reason. I dislike the person it's molding me into.
Can't wait to get out of here or dramatically reduce my hours and go to school - which will bring me around as much angst about my fucking love interest that I didn't even voluntarily choose because she goes to the institution I've applied to, which in hindsight was a factor in my decision making.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this bullshit teenage angst I thought after 3 fucking years of the stuff I'd be over it but noooo it just has to gradually transition into adult angst