Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 7

Author Topic: Remember, a story  (Read 5846 times)

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Remember, a story
« on: July 23, 2009, 05:25:34 am »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:14:36 am by Jackrabbit »
Logged

sonerohi

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2009, 08:25:30 am »

Moar plz. Easily continuable into an apocalypse story that is actually cool and good.
Logged
I picked up the stone and carved my name into the wind.

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2009, 06:02:00 am »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:14:44 am by Jackrabbit »
Logged

Armok

  • Bay Watcher
  • God of Blood
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2009, 07:49:38 am »

I would like to say something, but everything I can think of saying would just make your inferiority complex worse. >:D
Logged
So says Armok, God of blood.
Sszsszssoo...
Sszsszssaaayysss...
III...

sonerohi

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2009, 07:54:06 am »

I like it very much. You convey a very good sense of a man who's gone mad in confinement, and it was rather twisty. Me likey. AFAIK, no big spelling errors or anything. It's a good story that you should keep writing.
Logged
I picked up the stone and carved my name into the wind.

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2009, 08:01:38 am »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:14:52 am by Jackrabbit »
Logged

ToonyMan

  • Bay Watcher
  • Danger Magnet
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2009, 12:51:16 pm »



"Me me me."

"Me too!"


Reminds me of Agent Smith.
Logged

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2009, 07:09:04 pm »

How so? Also, Hugo rules. This is a fact.
Logged

ToonyMan

  • Bay Watcher
  • Danger Magnet
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2009, 07:58:21 pm »

How so? Also, Hugo rules. This is a fact.

Blarg.  I would explain if I could.
Logged

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2009, 10:24:37 pm »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.

Oh donkey bollocks, Vester quoted it.

I'll just stand here then. Hum tee tum tum.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:15:27 am by Jackrabbit »
Logged

Vester

  • Bay Watcher
  • [T_WORD:AWE-INSPIRING:bloonk]
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2009, 04:20:11 am »

Another in the same vein, almost twice the length.

Spoiler: Quarantine (click to show/hide)

I find myself reminded of Stephen King. Do you read him?
Logged
Quote
"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2009, 04:22:58 am »

No, but when I was writing it, I remember thinking "I hope someone will say something about Steven King!".

So my dreams are rewarded. Maybe I should read him.
Logged

Vester

  • Bay Watcher
  • [T_WORD:AWE-INSPIRING:bloonk]
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #12 on: August 07, 2009, 04:31:22 am »

No, but when I was writing it, I remember thinking "I hope someone will say something about Steven King!".

So my dreams are rewarded. Maybe I should read him.

 :D

Well, if you do start, try his short stories and novels from when he was younger. Those are mostly about monsters and ghosts and whatnot. Then move on to the newer ones, which tend to be about dimensions and Elder Things, and cars. Also he has some incredible stories like "The Shawshank Redemption" and "The Green Mile", which are made of pure win.

The reason I was reminded of him was because of the quarantine situation. He wrote a book called "The Stand" which started out about the same thing... then it all went to hell.

Your story is looking good so far, my only complaint is that some of your descriptive language comes off as dry.

My favorite part is how he notices her eyes are green.
Logged
Quote
"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."

Jackrabbit

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #13 on: August 07, 2009, 04:33:24 am »

Ah, constructive criticism, need more of this.

What about it was dry and how do you suggest I improve it?
Logged

Vester

  • Bay Watcher
  • [T_WORD:AWE-INSPIRING:bloonk]
    • View Profile
Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #14 on: August 07, 2009, 04:48:47 am »

Okay, umm...

"about six meters by six meters"
This isn't really necessary, since it breaks up how the sentence reads. Also, since it's not a plot point, how big the room is doesn't matter to the readers, I guess. Although it contributes a bit to the verisimilitude, I guess.

"dimmed, small and clinically white"
Too many adjectives attached to a single object also break up the flow, making it seem like someone is describing something rather than painting a picture. Sometimes it's better to put in a couple of details and let the reader do the rest with his mind.

Also there's a lot of commas, you could try breaking long sentences up.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

Feel free to ignore it, though  ;D
Logged
Quote
"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 7