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Author Topic: Remember, a story  (Read 5840 times)

Jackrabbit

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Remember, a story
« on: July 23, 2009, 05:25:34 am »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:14:36 am by Jackrabbit »
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sonerohi

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2009, 08:25:30 am »

Moar plz. Easily continuable into an apocalypse story that is actually cool and good.
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I picked up the stone and carved my name into the wind.

Jackrabbit

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2009, 06:02:00 am »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:14:44 am by Jackrabbit »
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Armok

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2009, 07:49:38 am »

I would like to say something, but everything I can think of saying would just make your inferiority complex worse. >:D
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So says Armok, God of blood.
Sszsszssoo...
Sszsszssaaayysss...
III...

sonerohi

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2009, 07:54:06 am »

I like it very much. You convey a very good sense of a man who's gone mad in confinement, and it was rather twisty. Me likey. AFAIK, no big spelling errors or anything. It's a good story that you should keep writing.
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I picked up the stone and carved my name into the wind.

Jackrabbit

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2009, 08:01:38 am »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:14:52 am by Jackrabbit »
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ToonyMan

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2009, 12:51:16 pm »



"Me me me."

"Me too!"


Reminds me of Agent Smith.
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Jackrabbit

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2009, 07:09:04 pm »

How so? Also, Hugo rules. This is a fact.
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ToonyMan

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2009, 07:58:21 pm »

How so? Also, Hugo rules. This is a fact.

Blarg.  I would explain if I could.
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Jackrabbit

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2009, 10:24:37 pm »

Removed by the author. Paranoia cited as the cause.

Oh donkey bollocks, Vester quoted it.

I'll just stand here then. Hum tee tum tum.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 03:15:27 am by Jackrabbit »
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Vester

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2009, 04:20:11 am »

Another in the same vein, almost twice the length.

Spoiler: Quarantine (click to show/hide)

I find myself reminded of Stephen King. Do you read him?
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"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."

Jackrabbit

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2009, 04:22:58 am »

No, but when I was writing it, I remember thinking "I hope someone will say something about Steven King!".

So my dreams are rewarded. Maybe I should read him.
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Vester

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #12 on: August 07, 2009, 04:31:22 am »

No, but when I was writing it, I remember thinking "I hope someone will say something about Steven King!".

So my dreams are rewarded. Maybe I should read him.

 :D

Well, if you do start, try his short stories and novels from when he was younger. Those are mostly about monsters and ghosts and whatnot. Then move on to the newer ones, which tend to be about dimensions and Elder Things, and cars. Also he has some incredible stories like "The Shawshank Redemption" and "The Green Mile", which are made of pure win.

The reason I was reminded of him was because of the quarantine situation. He wrote a book called "The Stand" which started out about the same thing... then it all went to hell.

Your story is looking good so far, my only complaint is that some of your descriptive language comes off as dry.

My favorite part is how he notices her eyes are green.
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"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."

Jackrabbit

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #13 on: August 07, 2009, 04:33:24 am »

Ah, constructive criticism, need more of this.

What about it was dry and how do you suggest I improve it?
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Vester

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Re: Remember, a short story
« Reply #14 on: August 07, 2009, 04:48:47 am »

Okay, umm...

"about six meters by six meters"
This isn't really necessary, since it breaks up how the sentence reads. Also, since it's not a plot point, how big the room is doesn't matter to the readers, I guess. Although it contributes a bit to the verisimilitude, I guess.

"dimmed, small and clinically white"
Too many adjectives attached to a single object also break up the flow, making it seem like someone is describing something rather than painting a picture. Sometimes it's better to put in a couple of details and let the reader do the rest with his mind.

Also there's a lot of commas, you could try breaking long sentences up.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

Feel free to ignore it, though  ;D
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Quote
"Land of song," said the warrior bard, "though all the world betray thee - one sword at least thy rights shall guard; one faithful harp shall praise thee."
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