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[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTY THREE: Gs Are Wimps -

A Does It Even Matter Really In The Life Of: Strife, Elite Wrestler

3rd Obsidian
Get back here you retarded camels! Don't think I'm not going to catch you, I see the light wounds and splatter of blood behind us. If I can stab you once, I can stab you again. You can't run forever, I'll corner you bastards in the corner of the map if I have to. Our sandcastle will dine on camel roast tonight, mark my words.

8th Obsidian
*puff* *pant* I ... think I need a rest ... from chasing camels. Screw it, I can kill camels later. I need to head back to the fortress to sleep before I trip over a boulder and they eat me or something. AHA! Another camel nearby! I lulled you into a false sense of security, you stupid beast! Get back here so I can stab you!

Alright, I ... may be lost at this point.

10th Obsidian
There it is! The constructed roof over the entryway! I can see our sandcastle in sight, finally! But ... how long have I been gone? If I come back empty handed it's going to be so embarrassing and, damn it, I WILL catch this camel! Don't think running away from the sandcastle again will save you!

17th Obsidian
"STRIFE! You came back, you love us after all! Aww."
Shut up, Waylon. I'll have you know I zzzzzzzzzzzz

24th Obsidian
Alright, those fucking camels are going to PAY for making a fool out of me. I am going to make them wish they were never spawned. So what if they're too fast for me to actually catch with this sword, I'll have those stupid beasts caught and slaughter in a confined room somewhere. As I speak, Maddy and several other mechanics are installing half a dozen cage traps above and to the east of our fortress, and another three to the north west where I've seen some wander before. The animal/cage storage is being upgraded to a DEATH MATCH ARENA, which means it now has doors and a lever outside to release camels to their doom. Heh heh heh.


(The finished traps blend in very well with all the plants ...)

Warla: "You DO realise this is a stupid idea, a waste of resources, and probably isn't going to work anyway."
Maddy: "Do I look like I'm sane enough to care? Strife will have his camel kill! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
Warla: "I swear, if you don't find and start taking your pills I'm going to hand control of this laboratory over to Crystaleyes."
Maddy: "I told you, the gremlins stole them!"
Warla: "Find them. The gremlins have never left their cave, the cat is being kept under close watch since it castrated Cookie and and there is no dwarf in this fortress or elsewhere with any motive to see its leadership and goals fall."

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

10th Granite
Hello.

Yes, it was I who stole away The Mad Scientist's medication shortly after my arrival. I came with the first group of migrants, under the disguise of a hunter. Even gender is easy to conceal, for a dwarf. The goblin siege may have fled their sacred site when we unleashed what we did, but there will be others hunting for those responsible, myself particularly. The Council will be looking as well, I suppose. Another failed attempt to escape the island from a lonely beach seemed the perfect place to hide, but seeing Maddy ... Ah, she shows promise. Her mind is raw genius, wild and misplaced. The medication keeps it tamed, but I had to see it unleashed to appreciate the full extent. I may have just saved The Tax Collector part of his search, but that is for later. For now I must bide my time and let suspicions, accusations and a few literal evils do their work.

Brutus is an interesting dwarf, too. His tales of time travel sound somewhat unlikely at best, but I shall have a mook keep an eye on him. A leatherworker recently gave birth to his son, but there was some amusement to be had when she wasn't sure which Brutus was the father. The timing would suggest our more recent visitor. Speaking of visitors, seeing that Fluffy of all animals had survived and arrived here before me was interesting. Lately Fluffy has just been a furious, but mild, nuisance to these dwarves, but I wonder if there is more to that cat than meets the eye ... Ah, I doubt it. Now I must return to sparring. I dislike being a mere frontline bitplayer, but I will do what I must to keep Maddy alive for the moment.

17th Granite
Another goblin ambush has been sprung, this time led by a rogue human. Their appearance has disconcerted most of the dwarves here, although Maddy seemed unsurprised that foes would come to "steal his genius" and Elfbane is actually enjoying the danger, hmm. By the time the attack was spotted it was too late to trap them all outside by closing the bridge, but at least nobody was far outside installing the camel traps at the time. Newb and I were in the barracks sparring, while Strife was recovering from a light sparring wound and Maggarg was lurking inside doing nothing. None of the invaders had ranged weaponry, so I immediately attacked. Strife and I, and Maggarg when he finally arrived, surrounded the single human while the goblins wisely fled. When the human fell we gave chase, but most escaped. At the end of the battle for the first time we were actually LESS wounded than before it began as a few of my scratches from sparring had healed.


(Yawn, another trivial battle.)

Now, of course, any free haulers are outside carrying armour and weapons away to trade later. I believe one found a single high boot worth nine hundred value. A snatcher was chased away by nearby camels, but to Strife's disappointment none wandered into the traps that had been finished. Warla has decided to move several of them, probably lending her mind in the hopes of having this pointless business over sooner.

24th Granite
I, of course, have learned to expect this but the dwarves here are still new to conflict, and I would not risk my cover to advise them. As a result, when the inevitable second ambush struck several haulers were left vulnerable outside, fleeing for their lives while the Maggarg and I waited for Newb to finish whatever exactly he was doing at the time.


(See Brutus. See Brutus run. Run, Brutus, run!)


(Eeeeeep!)


(Sigh of relief.)

Brutus was the last inside, narrowly escaping after the goblin chasing him triggered a stone fall trap. Newb ran out alone and, unsurprisingly by this point, managed to fight off the majority of the invaders by himself. Brutus watched from just inside, and I overheard him mutter something about revenge as Maggarg and I walked out to chase the last few off. If I'm not mistaken, this makes eighteen notable kills by Newb compared to the one by myself, one from strife, and from Maggarg ... none. Demonstrating Maddy's capacity for learning, she did wait until I had chased off possibly the same snatcher and made sure no further ambushes were nearby before allowing everyone outside to collect goods for trading. It makes me wonder why she bothers ordering obsidian crafts at all, compared to the more valuable silk and iron clothing we're now collecting.

11th Slate
The next group of volunteers as arrived, twenty dwarves in total. We have a few spare beds and logs, but not enough for most of them. Coincidentally, a few of the migrants have useful skills, but not most of them. You can probably imagine how the last few bedrooms were allocated. There were a few animals too, including another cat. If she starts breeding with Fluffy, we may have a problem. A shame tame vermin wouldn't distract them, or the trappers might have jobs after all.

With the number of dwarves that require managing, Crystaleyes announced herself mayor. Maddy was too distracted by planning an attack on the caves to say no, so I suspect this sandcastle may now be "like, doomed".

20th Slate
A leatherworker has withdrawn from society, muttering about metal bars. Whether he finds any or not will likely depend on when the next merchants arrive. A tanner had a child. Crystaleyes is proving problematic. She's mandated the construction of a grate, a triviality, but is also complaining to Warla about not having reasonable quality chambers. The latest migrants, still without any bedrooms, were not overly impressed when ordered to start constructing the first noble chamber for Crystaleyes. She's also demanded she be called "Princess Crystal", which has by and large been ignored.

And now, it's time for ...
A.D.A.B. The Movie, as directed by Elfbane Chaotika

1st Felsite - Warla's Office
Maddy: "It is time. Their antics have gone on long enough. I will not have my fortress fall victim to their trickery any longer!"
Newb: "*Gasp* But sir, it is far too soon, they're not ..."
Maddy: "DAMN IT NEWB, WE HAVE NO CHOICE!"
Warla: "Maddy, they've never even left their cave. Nothing has happened."
Maddy: "Oh god, they've already gotten to you too ...!"
Warla: "I have no idea what you MEEEAAAN!" *Pulls pick-axe out of hammerspace and attacks Maddy*
Newb: *Counters* "Maddy, run! Have Bahl dig an entrance tunnel from east of the barracks! Cage trap the exit so that nothing can sneak out!"
Maddy: "NEWB! I won't go on without you!"
Newb: "Forget about me! Strife is wounded but Maggarg and the exhunter are more than enough! Just get out of here while you still can! GO!"

6th Felsite - Outside the Cavern
Maggarg: "But what are we even fighting? What are we even fighting FOR? I won't lose my life for that madwoman's fantasy!"
Ruins: "This is treason!"
Maggarg: "I know what this is. But there could be anything down there, and with Strife down are you really willing to trust our lives to NEWB?"
Ruins: "... Hmm. We have become sanddwellers indeed."
????: "Dwarves! You sound afraid. Maybe you shall fall, but there will always be another dwarf to bury you and continue the fight. I will not allow dwarven honor tarnished on my watch. If you will not fight, than I shall! TO THE HUNT!"
Maggarg: "Who the ...?"
Rika Savagetool, female Ranger: *Runs into the cave*
Maggarg: "... *drool*"
Ruins: "Hey, get out of there, it's not safe!"

8th Felsite - Gremlin Cavern, Middle Level
*Drip, drip, drip of aquifer*
Newb: "Weak. Cowards. Defeating these gremlins has been easy. Almost too easy ..."
Ruins: "Hmm. What do you think, Maggarg?"
Maggarg: "..."
Ruins: "Maggarg? Maggarg! Newb, I think Maggarg has disapeared!"
Newb: "He's probably just refilling his waterskin or something, right? ... Right?"

9th Felsite - Gremlin Cavern, Upper Level
Newb: "Tell us what you know!"
Gremlin: "Hss, never! The boss will get you yet, heheheh!" *Stabbed*
Ruins: "Boss? But then, somebody must have been controlling these gremlins all along!"
Newb: "But who would do that? What would they hope to gain from all this?!"
Sarek: "Bones bones bones bones bones ..."
Newb: "SAREK! What are you doing ... Brutus?! Some glassmaker?!"
Brutus: "Aha. We meet again, Newb. But this time, it shall be I that-"
Newb: "This is no time for your petty grudges, don't you realise this cave IS STILL OCCUPIED."
Brutus: "But there's refuse and it's inside and ... oh god what has Maddy done."


(Those haulers are seriously ruining the atmosphere.)

10th Felsite - Gremlin Cavern, Final Chamber
Equuyi: "So, we meet at last ... dwarves."
Ruins: "We won't let you get away with this!"
Equuyi: "Get away with what? I have done nothing! You have invaded my caves, killed my friends, and why? The fantasies of a madwoman! It is you, dwarves, who cannot be allowed to live any longer. I am Equuyi, and I AM JUSTICE!"
Newb: "Justice? Justice?! I'll tell you what you've done. You've inspired fear and paranoia into our castle. You've spread lies and secrets to the goblins who would attack us. You've guarded our only passage through this aquifer, and to our stone heritage! WE only want to escape this land, and YOU would doom that before it begins. NOW EQUUYI YOU SHOULD PERISH!"
Ruins: "THIS IS FOR THE FIRST BRUTUS!"
Equuyi: "GRRROOOAAARRR!"
Maggarg: "Eep, I just crapped myself."


(*Dramatic Chord*)


IN THE NEXT EPISODE of A.D.A.B.B.S.L.S.T.O.A.M.F.S.O.D.F.A.D. the ultimate battle between the dwarves and the giant begins! But would the author really leave you all on another cliffhanger after this long between chapters? Do the dwarves win the battle without taking a single scratch again? Was there really ever any doubt? STAY TUNED!

[Jim Groovester]

OneMoreNameless, I enjoy your stories quite a bit, especially the character diaries. Those are excellent.

I'd like to request a dwarf.

Name: Kodak
Profession: Anything noisy.
Description: Ever since arriving at the fortress, he has heard at the back of his mind, a barely noticeable guitar tune. Hearing it infinitely repeat is driving him mad.

Picture jokes are welcome, and expected!

[Frelock]

...the cat is being kept under close watch since it castrated Cookie...
...Lately Fluffy has just been a furious, but mild, nuisance to these dwarves...

Of course, any misfortune suffered by Cookie is merely a mild nuisance.  The fates really do hate him.  I hope he falls in love and has a kid, just to screw around some more with dwarven anatomy and physiology.

[Strife26]

Oops! I read the update at night and forgot to comment!

It fits this Strife's personality perfectly.

Strife: "I wonder what would happen if I were to throw my weapon at the camel . . ."

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR: Hi Ho, Hi Ho! -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

10th Felsite
Despite our easy claiming of the caves and defeat of the giant, the sandcastle has once again fallen into great danger through the carelessness of dwarves. Once Maddy received the confirmation of Uquuyi's death she ordered a faster route dug into the cave, from our previous animal storage room. Only several hours later did it suddenly occur to Maddy (with a small amount of prodding from Warla) that the cave was also accessible from the surface, and thus our entire defences had just been rendered meaningless. Maddy then fainted in a panic, only for Warla to find detailed instructions on sealing the area scrawled on a piece of paper steps away. Warla and several others quickly began removing the slopes up to the surface while doors were installed around the area and the mooks began hauling stone ready for roofing off the top. We can only hope there are no ambushes until it is finished.

21st Felsite
... Hmm, I can only assume that not even Fate herself is paying much attention to this sandcastle. Even with half of our masoners partying with Elfbane, again, the closest thing to hostility lately is a camel finally being caught in a cage trap. Strife is still resting in bed, so I would be unsurprised if Newb decided to "steal" that kill as well. The animal storage room is rather busy at the moment, so the caged beast is being hooked up to a lever in one of the empty workshop rooms.

1st Hematite
A second camel was caught and the cage installed next to the first. Maddy has gleefully finished hooking them both up, and yelled to the military that they're on duty by the cage. I can hear most of them running down the corridors now, each determined to receive the easy experience. Naturally as they are doing so, a third camel was caught. The repositioned traps do seem to rather effective at that, at least. A pity ambushes take different paths and that our entrance is so wide. I could do with interrogating a few prisoners. It is difficult to contact my mooks here without breaking cover, and I need to know before any real dangers approach us. That, and The Tax Collector's judgment of Maddy's chance of success. Too high, and she could prove a problem. The Tax Collector might think to send a goblin with a coded message to be captured. Perhaps a migrant. Perhaps I cannot trust him and all is lost.

Ah, but enough of that. The race is over, and the winner should surprise nobody.


(Other points of interest include a big steaming pile of gremlin entrails. Mmm-MMmmmm!)

5th Hematite
The roof has been completed, and our sandcastle should now be safe from anything that isn't a strong ocean wave.


(Nothing to see here, move along.)

Crystal has mandated the construction of toy hammers, for our few children apparently. Steinunn has grudgingly begun constructing random stone toys in the hope of accidentally crafting hammer. She claims that someone has dwarfy as her has trouble telling apart such useless items as toys, and that all children really need is a good old pick.

Concerning real weapons, Maddy has announced her plan to start a second military squad. While our current four may be strong, all it takes is a few sparring accidents and thirst and we could all be out of action when the need arises. Doubling our numbers to eight reduces the risk. More leather armour is being produced now, and the recruits will begin sparring when it is ready. Brutus was the first to volunteer, determined to show up and perhaps even have revenge on Newb. Rika followed shortly after, idealistically hoping to protect the true dwarven cause or some nonsense. Some time later a trapper and a thresher were reluctantly picked out to join them.

7th Hematite
The leatherworker finally went insane today, freeing up the second workshop for creating the new squad's armour. Maddy has been surveying the empty caves over the last few days, and ordered a faster path down through them dug where the tunnels overlapped. Digging has begun into stone, and I have never seen any dwarves look so pleased to strike rhyolite. Some of the stone was damp, but Maddy assured the miners it was just from the level above and would be no problem to dig out.

11th Hematite

(Uh, WHOOPS.)

Hmm. Well, at least it's not flooding any higher levels. Once the miners had fled the area Maddy ordered them to just dig down again, slightly to the right where the stone had been dry and straight down another level. From there they could begin digging a long, two dwarf wide tunnel to the general whereabouts of the magma known to be here.

Meanwhile, Maggarg has somehow achieved legendary status in wrestling, still without a single kill of any kind. Newb is rather irate.

14th Hematite
Human merchants have arrived, oblivious or maintaining the pretense as such to the recent attacks. When Crystal announced her intent to demand the merchants lavish her with gifts befitting a princess the Steinnunn finally snapped and roused the dwarves to depose her. An election was held for the mayor, but with so many dwarves running ("Elfbane for an exciting future!", "Steinunn; she's a dwarf's dwarf.", "Brutus KNOWS he's going to win, so you might as well vote him." etc.) the winner and only dwarf with more than one vote was some peasant nobody really knew. After a careful recount, the peasant's extra two votes seemed to have come from a snickering Fluffy and his new mate. Crystal burst into tears and went to have a drink, only to find that we were entirely out of booze, with no spare barrels, even though eight were supposed to be held in reserve. After that everybody burst into tears before remembering the merchants outside and begining to haul narrow armour and obsidian crafts outside.

Seeing five caged camels sitting around pointlessly, Warla also began taking apart all the cage traps to reuse their components more usefully elsewhere.

23rd Hematite
Over the last week or so Bahl has announced several times that he has located additional sources of microline. Out of irritation, or perhaps just a desire to kill a tired running joke before it started again, Maddy today ripped the speakers from Bahl and threw them in the ocean. Most of the dwarves, myself included, were not aware that Bahl was even a construction. Rika nearly stabbed Maddy in Bahl's defence before realising it wasn't a tongue flung to the floor. Most of the dwarves are now watching Maddy's more eccentric antics with a newfound respect. Well, Maggarg has been trying to set Bahl permanently to KillMode and Warla has been standing around horrified. I'm fairly sure she had considered Bahl a lover.

In any case, Warla still managed to conduct business as usual with the merchants. Our fortress received a large number of logs (furniture for those without bedrooms is being built as I speak), an even larger number of barrels and alcohol (enough to bring out reserves from zero to 775) and two picks. Aside from some weapons, that was all the caravans had. Since we had so much value in armour anyway Maddy decided to buy the weapons to maybe use in traps. After one rejected offer on each side Warla settled for giving the merchants slightly less than a fifty percent profit for literally everything they had. Warla requested further wood, ale and barrels, cages, a few metal bars, and plate mail. The last to reward Newb for his kills, apparently. Brutus was seen seething at the announcement.

10th Malachite
Another four sets of leather armour and accessories are finished and the second squad has begun sparring. Maggarg's Military (as he insists on calling it, being the only legendary soldier) were ordered on duty by the entrance to stop Newb "PKing" Brutus a second time. Rika was chosen to lead the new squad with no arguments from the male recruits.

A Time In The Life Of: Strife, Elite Wrestler

10th Felsite
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

23rd Hematite
Zzzzzzzzzzgonnagetyouthistimezzzzzzzzzzwelldefinelostanywaygraysonzzzzzzzzzz...

20th Malachite
Yawn. Oh man, is that dwarf sleeping on the obsidian pebbles outside with ocean waves dumping on him every so often? What a sucker, I love being a recruit. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

10th Felsite
Several puppies have matured lately, and I requested they be trained to add to our military. Unfortunately our animal trainer refused to train any of the pet dogs that came with the migrants, but at least two war dogs have been adopted by Rika to protect the newer recruits. With how depressed Crystal has been since being kicked out of nobility it was only a matter of time before a rogue spirit possessed her. The spirit demanded only two items: raw green glass and a shell. Ah, perhaps we should have request turtle or the like from the last merchants. Crystaleyes is as good as dead.

8th Galena
The tunnel towards the general location of the magma has been completed, and to use Maddy's words, "Exploratory agents are ... GOOOOOO!". Hat and an unknown glassmaker have been given picks, but it may take some time to locate the source.

27th Galena
It has not, in fact, taken long to locate the source. Bahl has already found warm stone and calculated it to come from a magma pipe. Hat, now acting as Bahl's mouthpiece, politely informed the mooks this morning. There was some amount of cheering, even if Sarek was screaming that we would only burn the whole fortress down. Maddy informed the miners by walkie talkie (his latest invention, which I must get my hands on somehow) to dig up a level and towards the pipe, repeating until they found the top. Unfortunately, this plan had one crucial flaw: the varying pipe width as it rose from the depths.


(Uh, WHOOPS.     x2)

Hmm. It won't reach inside the fortress, or even reach near it for some time, but that's still less than encouraging. I don't believe we possess any magma safe materials to construct bars or the like out of either, so hopefully the fire imps swimming around don't wander too far away from the pipe.  Nevertheless The Mad Scientist has a plan to make use of the flow. She insists that carefully constructed walls will not melt regardless of their material, and given the heavy nature of magma it should be possible to dig out a pipe one level down where the magma can be stopped and utilised in certain workshops. The dwarves are dubious, but having seen Bahl's true nature most are willing to trust Maddy.

Naturally, as soon as the miners set to work digging the area they encounter wet stone. Maddy ordered the area dug out anyway, and there was no hint of water throughout, but the miners still winced and complained before every strike. Once the workshops are built, all we will be able to do is sit and wait for the magma to eventually arrive.


(If you're reading this right now and know this setup won't work, please don't crush my innocent hope. )

[Author's Note: BTW, I didn't mention him, but a did name a mason Kodak. I'll try and give him something of a personality in the next chapter (Maddy fanboy, maybe? ). I kind of have too many named dwarves now to keep bringing up, so apologies to anyone who gets ignored.]

[Mephansteras]

Aww...poor Crystal, denied greatness by a mere turtle shell. I always start off every fort with turtle to head that off, personally.

[Paulus Fahlstrom]

Yeah... me too. Kibeth bit the bullet that way already here. I can imagine him muttering and depressed about the others lack of thought. Though, honestly, I was kinda hoping he'd go beserk. 

Still, always an enjoyable read.

[Jim Groovester]

[Author's Note: BTW, I didn't mention him, but a did name a mason Kodak. I'll try and give him something of a personality in the next chapter (Maddy fanboy, maybe? ). I kind of have too many named dwarves now to keep bringing up, so apologies to anyone who gets ignored.]

No worries, I'm patient. I can't wait to see what you make of a dwarf who can't stop hearing Toady's guitar music.

[Strife26]

Yeah... me too. Kibeth bit the bullet that way already here. I can imagine him muttering and depressed about the others lack of thought. Though, honestly, I was kinda hoping he'd go beserk. 

Still, always an enjoyable read.

Merely enjoyable?
I rate it as super-tabulisticly (which is now a word) awesmoe

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE: Waiting For Magma -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

13th Felsite
Friends from the mountainhome! Dwarven merchants, willing to risk their lives to give settlements a helping hand, traveling across dangerous locations, hot or freezing, ambushed or terrifying. Truly, the dedication and sheer determination of these dwarves should be an example to us all. Well, except for when they leave caravans behind rather than wait one hundred steps for someone to open the bridge, but anyway. Their caravans are coming, and the Haul Brigade has started bringing out all the leftover goods that weren't traded last time.

Oh, and sometime between now and the last time I mentioned him, Strife has fully recovered from his sparring injury! Ironic that we dwarves prove more of a danger to ourselves sparring than any invaders thus far ... So, four captured camels are being hooked up for release. When they are ready, Strife will finally have his glorious, bloody revenge on the two humped beasts.

18th Felsite
Crystal, distraught and furious from having her princess status stripped from her, has gone insane. She's running through the sandcastle screaming and stripping to get attention, but we mostly just ignore her. There is, I regret, no more we can do for this poor HOLY SHIT look at her tits! Uh. Warla went on break just a few days ago, so the position to trade for our sandcastle was given to any free dwarf. As soon as it was announced some mason came sprinting to eagerly take the position. Once he reached the merchants he promptly announced himself as Kodak, Maddy's finest and most respected trader, then burst into pleased giggles.

Somehow, Kodak still managed to trade the rest of our useless loot for more wood logs, a couple of ropes, a few animals in cages, half a dozen or so barrels and ale, a very expensive decorated masterwork steel chain mail, a very shiny decorated steel cap, a few more leather bins, a few food items, a few gems and a few weapons. The more important thing we gained, if too late for Crystal, were five cave lobsters still in their shells!

3rd Sandstone
Today the caged camels were fully set up, aside from one small problem with the room: one of crystal's socks was jamming the door open and everybody was too embarrased to dump it elsewhere. Maddy, cackling that it was all part of the plan, released the camels anyway. A mistake with the lever meant only three came out, but one still managed to escape from Strife and charge down the main hallway. Thankfully Strife is fitter now than he used to be, and caught up with it before any harm was done. The other two have been ordered tamed and released.

21st Sandstone
More friends from the mountainhome, and these brave souls willing to stay and participate in the greatest experiments of our time. These migrants shall bring out numbers up to sixty five! At least until Crystal dies, eheh. Bedrooms for their weary feet are not yet ready, but we have ample resources to quickly produce them. Elsewhere, most of the new recruits have reached elite status in wrestling. Only Rika has not, but she assures us she is capable of handling swords, and insisted not to hold the rest of the soldier back. For now the recruits have been rotated on duty to give the older military a chance to spar again.

Kodak has been hard at work lately, but not masoning. After he heard Maddy complaining about the loss of Crystal, Kodak ran off to impress Maddy by ensuring it didn't happen again. Since our current food stockpile is full, Kodak started badgering the Haul Brigade to start a new stockpile just for cave lobster. Once the lobsters had been moved, Kodak began erecting barricades around the main stockpile and workshops to prevent any dwarves eating from there. It would be a touching effort if it weren't so annoying having to walk into the farms and eat the plump helmets fresh.

10th Timber
GOD DAMN IT DWARVES, I NEED MY *SALMON ROAST*, WHY MUST YOU TORTURE MY SOUL LIKE THIS WON'T SOMEBODY JUST EAT THE FUCKING LOBSTER ALREADY? Alas.

12th Timber

(Finally. You may be surprised how many food sources I kept forgetting to forbid. It didn't help that some recruit took one a future ration before I turned THAT off temporarily.)

At long last, our fortress has shells! Never again, or least slightly less often, shall we lose another dwarf to an unfortunate mood. Kodak gift wrapped the first shell for Maddy, and both were ecstatic over the refuse. While they spent hours discussing which was the most annoying sound to hear (between a faint guitar chord or that jerk purple, although I suspect they were ignoring Crystal's "like" out of respect) I helped the Haul Brigade carrying all the excess food into the empty noble chambers. I don't know what we're going to do with it all, but Cookie refuses to stop growing new crops each season; it's the only thing he's been able to master without fate screwing him somehow.

18th Timber
Crystal has passed. The sorrow of our castle is ... a little underwhelming.

19th Timber
Sarek, of all dwarves, has been taken by a fey mood! He claimed a workshop only to run outside and all the way to the outer bridge to grab a skull rather than use one of those in the stockpile right by him. I think I caught him muttering something about "just the right one". Even the spirits could not contain that dwarf's obsessiveness ... To Kodak's great disappointment, when Sarek stopped for breath in the workshop all he wanted was a stone block and leather.

We seem to have a great number of tame animals crowding the statue garden. I wonder if Maddy needs them for her planned experiments, or if she's just forgotten they aren't shy shy about breeding in front of us. Eww.

Anyway, Sarek's artifact was a not particularly valuable sole bone war hammer. I wonder how strong a weapon made primarily of fish bones can actually be? I do love the name, though: The Squashed Lover. Ha, if we ever attract a Hammerer I hope Maddy will make this artifact a gift for him. Now that Sarek's skill is legendary he will be given a workshop to himself. At least, once he has recovered from the bleach he poured in his ears to try and clean his mind of the spirit.

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

14th Moonstone
Dum de dum de dum de ... Waiting for the magma ... When's it gonna get here ... BORED. It must be ... Random Happiness Testing time! I can't afford to have any sad dwarves, they would throw off my experiments.

Alright Sarek, you're first. Just smile into this tube as long and as hard as you can. Don't worry, nobody else has used this, it's perfectly clean. Alright, I'm getting a reading of Ecstatic! And Sarek's even made one friend now, isn't that nice? Alright, you're free to go. HAT, smile into this. ... Hmm, you've witness death and been annoyed by flies lately, but you're still ecstatic. Well done! Next is Cookie. Smile into this tube and UH OH. I'm getting a reading of Quite Content. Do you know you're under the limit, Cookie?
"Maddy ... I'm lost a friend, been nauseated by the sun, choked on miasma and swallowed a fly. It's not my fault I'm not as cheery as some of the others!"
Well, alright, I'll let you go with just a warning this time but don't let it happen again! You know, with all these idle dwarves I should move the refuse pile outside. And with the airlocked room I'll do ... something, I don't know. I'd better go tell the Haul Brigade.

22nd Moonstone
Dear Voice Log, you can't hear this, but I'm twiddling my thumbs right now! I can't begin constructing my glass labs until we have a fuel source, and that fuel source is sludging down our tunnels at some very slow speed I don't care to estimate. While we wait, Warla has advised me to prepare additional defences. Aside from military training, I've chosen a second location to lay with traps. It's further outside our retractable bridge, and once walls are constructed most invaders will have to cross a five by five area of traps. There will be ten cage traps to capture live invaders as guinnea pigs for experiments (spare cages are being constructed from wood), and fifteen weapon traps most with two weapons each. Maggarg's squad is standing by outside in case the mechanics are attacked.


(And yeah a soapmaker did get themselves temporarily stuck while building walls. I mean, duh.)

25th Moonstone
A snatcher! Quick, protect the-
Newb: "GRAAAAAHH!"
... Yeah, I suppose it was pretty unlikely that Maggarg would ever kill anything. Somebody bring me back those socks, they're worth 700 value each! I wish those haulers would just consider everything over value X unforbidden. Or that there was a bounty on that goblin's head so I could trade it and OH KODAK WHAT THE FUCK IN SO MANY WAYS.


(Kodak: "Maddy knows my name! *swoon* Now I can die in SPLATTER!".)

Oh god he ... His madness ... I ... What if I ... AHEM. Focus, Maddy! The future scientists of will not learn from your collapse! The military is charging out, both squads. They hit a second ambush, but they're dealing with it as easily as usual. No dwarven wounds. Unless you count Kodak. Ugh, the first group of goblins is attacking now, but they're being wiped out easily too. And ... they're dead, or fleeing. Rika's squad is returning to protect the new traps, Maggarg and the others are scouting around to make sure there aren't any more.

Hey, is that snatcher corpse being pushed around by the waves? That's interesting. I need to design an ocean powered trap cleaner sometime.

2nd Opal
Another snatcher. Honestly, go get eaten by a camel or something, it is not relevant to my interests. Warla? You can go outside again to finish those traps. I'm keeping the military on duty though. Okay, I would, if Maggarg hadn't just run off to fill his waterskin. ... Right, NOW You can go. And, uh, if you could stop misplacing job items twice every second, that would be helpful too. I knew I shouldn't have redesignated a few traps with the extra weapons from that attack. And stop giving birth, you're wasting time, we're not going to be here in thirteen years anyway. Don't tell me that's not the point, I'm the leader, the highscore is mine! Not that peasant mayor banning the export of our one obsidian grate gathering dust somewhere. (I've probably used this line before but ...) And they call ME mad!

20th Opal
Wild camels have been wandering around the castle entrance, scaring the workers, but none close enough to reach the finished traps. Warla's refusing to move a corpse and junk out of the way herself before building a trap. I need to build that Haul Brigade a Haul Engine or a Haul Alarm or something. It's the Haul Symbol, TO THE HAUL HALL HAT! There's also been another birth, and I do not yet have a solid theory about what everyone was doing sleeping around nine months ago. The appointment of Princess Crystal? AND THEY CALL ME MAD hey I've got a catchphrase now, I should go tell Elfbane.

11th Obsidian
Oh come ON. The last trainee mechanic was installing the last trap, only to run off for a drink and leave the cage there. I'm going to have to go with the voices on this one, death is the only punishment. Or ... a fate worse than death, yes. I'll order him to a lifetime of only refuse hauling! AHAHAHAHAHA!

16th Obsidian
Wildlife Experiment Number One Zero Three: Are Camels Retarded? Hypothesis: Camels are retarded. Procedure: Install fifteen weapon traps and observe a passing family of camels.

The first camel is now approaching the traps. It is moving closer and yes it triggered it. The weapons slashed the camel and wounded it. The camel has quickly retreated leaving a trail of blood behind. The camel is now very slowly moving back towards the same trap. It appears to have stopped directly next to the trap. It is now no wait it's running away from the trap. It's calf has now walked onto and been slaughtered by the trap. Conclusion: Camels are not retarded, however, they are very bad parents.

"Speaking of which, Maddy, you should know that another dwarf has given-"
I don't even want to hear it, Warla.

24th Obsidian
Elfbane, there is a miasma spreading across our entrance, why is there miasma spreading across our entrance?
"Uh, well. You see, there's this pile of bones-"
Elfbane, why is there A PILE OF BONES in a main hallway?
"There was, that is, something of a mix up with the Haul Brigade. See, Warla forgot to deactive an old dump zone and-"
URIST, WHY is was there even a DUMP ZONE there in the first place?!
"... I'm not really sure!"
Ugh. Go tell Rika and the others that they can start sparring together. One of the new recruits is legendary anyway and even if Rika isn't elite she'd do something heroic read stupid if she thought she was holding the others back.
"What has that got to do with anything we were just saying?"
Look, a scientist's thoughts are never late nor early, they are always exactly on time. Do it.

5th Granite
Sigh. The castle seems dull lately. I think somebody is slipping me random drugs in hope of medicating me. I don't think it's working, although it has done wonders for my bowels. Do crazy dwarves know when they're crazy? Do shitty dwarves know when they need to shit? I really, really hope so. Where was I going with this? Anyway, a fisher had a fey mood. He didn't even use any shells, ended up with a cheap crown and went back to fishing.

"Hello, Maddy. I bring good tidings from Bahl. At long last, there is sufficient magma flowing from the pipe to use our workshops and furnaces."
That's great. Excellent! WONDERFUL! JOYOUS NEWS AT LONG LAST PRAISE TO THE CREATORS WE HAVE FINALLY HARVESTED THE ULTIMATE POWER OF THE EARTH THAT ...
"Oh, hey Hat. I take it you've told her the news?"
"Hello Elfbane. Yes. Is the part where she usually faints?"
"Pretty much. I'll get the cushions ready."
... LEAST IF JESUS HAD BEEN A DWARF ANYWAY BUT NEVERTHELESS THIS EVENT SHALL gasp, deep breath WAIT NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS UP TO DID I MENTION THE PART ABOUT THE APPETITE OF THE WILD BOAR IN THE FOREST OF THE SPIRITS YET OR IS *padded thump*

[Jim Groovester]

Kodak is dead, right? Oh, well. Her part was minor, but she will always be remembered by... probably nobody.

[Strife26]

Is there any chance that Strife likes camels? I'd love for him to have a pet camel. Oh, and I recomend capturing and taming as many camels as possible.

Still loving the story!

[Flintus10]

  Brilliant as usual I actually laughed out loud at the bit about Sarek pouring bleach in his ears. Keep it up

[OneMoreNameless]

Right now the fortress actually has 20 tame camels (as well as 41 other animals livestock and 8 war dogs). I'm actually thinking of building a large glass zoo to house them all, as well as any captured invaders (none yet, but I have more cages and traps now). Maybe release them all at once and see what happens, heh.

The only animals Strife likes are dogs, for their loyalty.

[Jackrabbit]

"Brutus knows he's going to win so you might as well vote for him." I laughed till I cried.

And now that Brutus is militaryised again, two things

1. How many Brutus (Brutii?) do I get if this one goes splat?

2. DIBS ON THE ARTIFACT HAMMER! MINE MINE MINE  MINE MINE...