“I was trying to tell them not to do that. That’s disgusting and I thought I told them that it is a sin to have sex with corpses.”
3
The cardinal is having none of it.
"Regardless of what you were telling them, clearly you're not cut out to give advice. I suggest you spend some time in contemplation and prayer."
He then leaves. You hear the door locking, then some very heavy objects being dragged in front of it. Then the sound of a wall being built in front of those objects. Then receding footsteps.
You have some food, and a window for air, but you do seem to be a little stuck.
Stop chanting. Take first aid supplies from that one monk. Shoo everyone out. Improvise some explosives from the first aid kit.
3
You manage to grab a handful of bandages, and start unrolling them. The scrum of monks around you rapidly becomes tied into a seething mass of attempted exorcism and lynching. Someone manages to get bandages tied around your neck. This is quite the uncomfortable situation. Anchorites are meant to experience solitude, peace and quiet!
GO TO NEAREST PAPAL GUARD "HEY RANDOM PAPAL GUARD WE GOIN ON A CRUSADE SOON RIGHT? JUST IGNORE THE THREE GUYS BEHIND ME AND ANSWER THE QUESTION."
4
You find a member of the papal guard, who has noticed the energy shields, angel and slowly appearing giant duck monsters filling the skies above the Vatican.
"Looks like it."
The ultimate street preacher takes hold of the man and throws him into the sun.
"You're in, boy. Time for us to go talk to the Pope about this new Crusade..."
You and the rest of the Anti-Catholic Trifecta (Quadfecta? Quartet? Boy Band?) walk into the Papal apartments, your new allies easily dealing with the guards. The pope is floating a few inches away from the ground, and staring at his balcony. Sounds of violent conflict come from outside.
Then someone covered in mud and cat scratches rushes into the room holding half a dozen stray cats and throws them at the pope. The trifecta look at you as if you can explain what's happening and what to do next.
((I don't think it's necessary to hold to Catholic beliefs or practices here. I've been busy seducing cats into Buddhism, after all.))
Redirect the passions of my new feline underlings towards the invading geese, and also the pope. Send them to do battle and/or seduction in the name of the holy lord Buddha.
5
The Time Geese are kind of invading via the past, so even cats can't get at them. But you do pick up some of your newfound brethren and rush into the papal apartments, hurling them towards the pope himself that they might accomplish feats of valour in battle.
You have no idea how to do this, and such a potition would probably fry the brain of whoever drank it.
"This sounds like a challenge to overcome!"
Create a potion that grants all the knowledge of the catholic church to whoever drinks it.
3
You create a new fizzy drink. It tastes of raspberries.
Given the current crisis, this really wasn't the most helpful thing you could do right now.
>Go on a crusade against whichever motherfricker caused the Vatican minecraft server to get literally destroyed.
2
You prepare yourself for a crusade by tying numerous pots and pans to yourself as a form of makeshift armour.
You cover yourself in dirt then start whipping yourself with a length of rope while praising every saint you can think of.
DO THIS AGAIN
LOUDER, THO. MUCH LOUDER.
ALSO MAYBE MENTION HOW MY WORK WAS DIVINELY INSPIRED AND INTERRUPTING IS LIKE, BLASPHEMY OR SOMETHING IDK
ALSO GO UNHELPFULLY LIMP TO MAKE GUARD'S JOB HARDER. MAYBE GRAB ONTO DOORWAYS AND/OR ANY FURNITURE WE PASS
(That one makes more sense.)
Also, THROW YOINK OFF THE TOP OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL.
Simply teleport beyond the Vatican plasma shields and go have rematch with enemy post.
Use my Psychic Bullwhip Tentacles to inflict immeasurable pain onto enemy post's ribs, fingers, and groin.
Also, save Yoink from his demise in the process of fighting the Swiss Guard.
5, 3, 2
The esteemed author of "Judas Escariot and the Brothels of Nazareth" alternates between completely ragdolling and whipping himself with a length of rope held between his teeth. This suprisingly effective tactic slows the Swiss guard long enough for the Vice Commander of the Papal Swiss Guard to arrive himself to supervise the execution, only for the goose he stuffed into a missile earlier to fall onto the roof right in front of him. He immediately grabs it in a chokehold, and the two begin to roll over and over, locked in mortal combat, falling from the top of the Sistine Chapel, through several layers of scaffolding and a sheet of glass to land in a crowd of terrified tourists.
The man the Swiss Guard have been attempting to throw to his death somehow squirms free of their grasp and runs off across the roof of the Sistine chapel, screaming about how everyone's going to hell for interrupting his holy works and hitting himself with an improvised whip. The Swiss guard are left holding his vest and trousers, staring after him in astonishment for several seconds before setting off in hot pursuit across the roofs of the Vatican.
Hah! The fools! This great slaughter only fuels the dark energies of the forces of Darkness. As Blood is spilt upon the holy city, creatures of the night come. Demons, dark spirits, and more, manifest in the holy see. Behind the defensive lines of the faithful! Meanwhile, my dark cult works on ever more dark surprises...
Phase two begins.
oolf vult
Simply watch His works as the holy dead and the archangel fight the demons.
You scream in terror and run straight into a wall, knocking yourself temporarily unconscious. When you come to, whoever it was is gone.
*WAKE FROM COMA AND SEE NO "GLABREZU"*
"THE DEMON WAS DISPELLED! PRAISE LORD!"
RESUME DRAG-BED-OPHONE PERFORMANCE, AND THIS TIME RESONANT WITH THE WHOLE STONE STRUCTURE TO EMIT HOLY-MICROWAVE FIELD THAT SETS ALL THOSE UNHOLY BEINGS' ICHOR BOILING!
5 v 6, 4, 4
An army of holy skeletons and flying priests led by the angel Gabriel himself and assisted by celestial vibrations assault the demonic ducks that descend from the skies. At first, they appear to have succeeded, hurling holy water at the beasts to melt their flesh, and tearing at their skin with skeletal fingers. But then the earth itself begins to writhe and quake, huge fissures appearing, and terrifying demons crawl from the depths of the earth, far too terrifying to properly describe. A lot of them look like geese through. The demonic forces quickly rout the flying priests and crush the reanimated skeletons. Even the angel Gabriel himself is forced to retreat to the balcony of the papal apartments, furiously slashing at his foes as they gather around him.
One man stands in front of the demonic onslaught. Raising a golden mitre above his head, he brings it down on the head of the first devil to reach him, a giant ram twisted into human form. Instead of bouncing off, the heavy golden rod smashes straight through the demonic skull and down into the ground, causing a fissure so wide the demonic army falls straight into it, disappearing into the endless depths. But before anyone can celebrate, a laugh like the sound of an avalanche issues forth, and a colossal, man-like form begins to clamber from the depths.
The Adversary himself, formerly called Lucifer, the prince of Hell, has been woken. Satan is here.
Devastator, CABL, Yoink, syvarris, Angry Demon Noises, Ocra Troper, Naturegirl and King Zultan have found Solitude.
King Zultan, Angry Demon Noises, coalboat, CABL and Yoink have achieved self-flagellation.
Coalboat and Devastator have recieved Divine Revelation.
Devastator has summoned the Angel Gabriel.
Avetruetotheimperator has summoned the dread Duck Lords of the Quack.
CABL has summoned the Time Geese.
Angry Demon Noises has summoned the Holy Anti-Catholic Triumvirate.
The Vatican is protected by the Energy Shields.
The Time Geese are altering Earth's history.
The dead walk.
Satan is in the Vatican.
Author
Topic: ROLL TO ANCHORITE (Read 28686 times)