Y'ALL ARE GOING TO RECEIVE SOME DIVINE REVELATION ABOUT NOT BEING SUCH PEDANTS IN A GODDAMN MINUTE.
"Please bring salvation to the righteous and smite His enemies upon Earth, messenger of my lord."
Provide any necessary musical accompaniment.
(Also, my name has an a in it, NJW.)
Gabriel nods.
"The righteous receive salvation by the grace of the Lord alone, not by my action or your entreaty. But as you ask, I shall destroy the demons that threaten this holy place."
4+1
Your rap/funk inspired glorias are unsurpassed by earthly music, accompanying the angel as he spreads his incandescent wings and flies straight through the side of the cell into the daylight, completely melting one wall.
”You are having lewd thoughts about Mary, meaning you want to have sex with her, however she is dead, turned to bones or even bone dust, and so having sex with her is impossible, so there is no need to fsntasize about having sex with a pile of bone dust, because it is useless and unhealthy and is a sin”
2
The monk gasps with understanding, and thanks you profusely. A few hours later, a cardinal strolls by with a concerned look on his face.
"Did you just tell someone to copulate with a pile of bone dust in the catacombs? Because that's what they said you told them to do. And that's what they were doing."
"Also, have you been saying that the Virgin Mary is just a corpse? Because she isn't, she ascended to eternal life in heaven. That's quite an important tenet of our faith, you understand?"
claim the holy stick
oolf vult
then use its holy sun powers to dispel the several eldritch abominations suddenly scurrying about the place
2
You catch up with the bishop, grab his mitre, and clonk him unconscious. You then lift it over your head screaming.
The swiss guard that followed you seem quite suspiscious, raising their halberds. Then the side of a nearby building explodes, and an angel with a fourteen foot wingspan flies out, wielding a flaming sword, floating directly above you. Strains of triumphant celestial war-songs reach you from far away.
Oolf Vult.
"POPE TROMBOSES OR WHATEVER IS STARTING WITH THE PAPAL BULLSHIT AGAIN AND STARTED ANOTHER CRUSADE. YOU GUYS KNOW THOSE THINGS FUCKING SUCK SO LET ME JOIN THE GANG AS THE FOURTH MEMBER AND WE CAN BURN DOWN THE VATICAN AND DESTROY THEIR VIOLENT HERETICAL BELIEFS AND ESTABLISH A NEW PEACEFUL ERA WHERE OUR VIOLENT SET OF BELIEFS ARE THE ONES EVERYONE HAS TO FOLLOW."
4
The trio confer. Then the Oat Quaker unnails you from the door.
"War is the invention of Satan himself. Show us evidence of this new crusade, and you may crush it peacefully and join us."
J. D. Greear shoots the door off its hinges, and you emerge into a corridor of the Vatican.
You continue the performance, twisting your body through bizarre contortions, but bed-on-ceiling is only as incredible as bed-on-floor. Luckily, the rap hymnals of the anchorite next door improve as his lyricism and confidence grow, and the music swells into a truly divine sound.
Peering through a chink in the rock, you see the anchorite next door in conversation with the angel Gabriel himself. Huh.
"THAT'S NOT GABRIEL! THAT'S GLABREZU!"
1
You scream in terror and run straight into a wall, knocking yourself temporarily unconscious. When you come to, whoever it was is gone.
((Damn, it's only the fourth turn, and we've already caused apocalypse))
Honk so loudly, that the entire world will hear it. Let them hear how the impending doom approaches!
Jump off the rocket and fly towards soon-to-be-destroyed Vatican.
Once in the Vatican, search for the Pope and bite him in the dick.
5
You let out a honk that shakes the earth.
1
You try to jump off the rocket and fly ahead of it, but realise that it's already arrived at the Vatican, which is somehow covered in a huge dome of plasma, which is right in front of you.
1
Flying at a plasma shield at several hundreds of miles an hour is not fun. Especially not when a cruise missile is exploding right next to you. The blast is enough to propel you through the wall of flame, and send you hurtling towards the papal apartments. At the last second, an angel drops onto the pope's balcony, readies his fiery sword, and smashes you straight back through the plasma shield.
Charred and bruised, you pick yourself out of Rome's newest set of ruins. The slowly manifesting Time Geese laugh even harder. It appears that they will not allow you to die, preferring to force you to live through the destruction of earth.
Looking around, you see that they have already begun to warp earth's history. Trajan's column - covered in images of geese. What used to be pizzerias now sell leaves, insects and goose pellets. Soon, this world will be theirs.
Sees giant monsters attacking the Vatican.
IN THE SERVICE OF HEAVEN
PROTECT THE HOLY LINE
NO CAPITULATION, ANNIHILATION
5
You consider the world-ending honk, the celestial battle-anthems, and the missile cruising towards the Vatican, and somehow deduce that giant invisible monsters are descending from the skies. You immediately activate the Vatican's energy shields, a giant dome of superheated plasma surrounding the holy city, held in place by incredibly powerful electromagnets. Several giant duck-snake-demons make it inside, but the rest are burnt to cinders on the shield of burning gold.
AH, SCREW IT.
LET'S START OVER AND MAKE THE WHOLE THING A COMIC BOOK GRAPHIC NOVEL, INSTEAD
REPLACE TROUBLESOME HOTEL DIALOGUE SCENE WITH WILD GUNFIGHT... ER, SPEARFIGHT? MAYBE JUST GIVE THEM ALL CROSSBOWS? -- INSTEAD. I'M THINKIN' LESS JACK CHICK, MORE ROB LIEFELD. LET'S GIVE JUDAS AN EYEPATCH WITH A SKULL ON IT AND HAVE BALTHAZAR MAKE APPEARANCE WITH DUAL UZIS
PRESS-GANG CARDINAL INTO DOING INKS AND LETTERS SINCE HE'S STILL HERE. HE NEEDS TO IMMERSE HIMSELF IN WORK (GOD'S WORK!) TO LET MIND REACH BEST SOLUTION TO HIS PROBLEMS ON ITS OWN, AFTER ALL. REMIND HIM OF THAT IF NEED CONVINCING
3
You cover sheets and sheets of paper with badly drawn, gratuitously violent comics featuring various biblical characters. You wonder if it's too soon for a subtle self-insert...
1
The cardinal takes one look at what you're drawing and finally snaps, screaming for the Swiss guard to come and throw you from the top of the Sistine Chapel. Poor guy must be under a lot of stress. You shout out some instructions to pass on to the publishers as they drag you away.
First thank him, then ask him if there are any more potions I should create to help the faithful.
He suggests you create a potion capable of transmitting the entirety of the knowledge held by the Catholic church to anyone who drinks it.
You have no idea how to do this, and such a potition would probably fry the brain of whoever drank it.
Also, a cardinal runs in screaming about one of the various emergencies going on in the Vatican, or maybe all of them. So you could try and do something about those.
frick you OP for giving me a 1 and misspelling my username in the same post.
YOU.
MUST.
SUFFER.
>For an action, I'll decide that it's time to use alts to bypass the ban.
3
You bypass the ban with an alt, but then the entire Vatican server goes down as a dread Lord of the Quack swallows the computer it was running on. Guess that's a draw.
Yes, it is happening! Not only that, but the Time Gease have been unleashed on schedule. Soon the Quail Wars will begin, but the Duck Lords still have things to do before the great battle. They shall wake the people with their horrifying quacks, including THE DEAD! Buildings will shudder as the dead walk, fighting all that is holy and good. AND THAT WILL BE ONLY THE START!
6
Huge, invisible duck monsters stretch through the skies, several of them making it through the energy shield surrounding the Vatican. As you command, the Duck Lords begin the Dark Quacks, raising the very dead from their tombs.
But the dead of the Vatican are no ordinary dead. Holy men in a holy place, the bodies of saints and popes reanimate, catacombs filled with endless stacks of skulls reviving with a singular purpose: defending the Vatican. One monk tempted by impure thoughts gets a very nasty shock.
Huge conglomerations formed from the disassembled skeletons of monks pour from the tunnels to do battle, while the holy dead cast aside their tombstones and rise, mitres and swords in hand, ready to defeat the monstrosities you have called upon this earth.
High above them all, the angel Gabriel floats, incandescent sword in hand, slashing at the great feathered serpents that wind abour the towers of the Vatican. Will the Duck Lords fail to destroy the Vatican before the Time Geese even arrive?
PTW.
KUUURIEEEEE ELEEEEIIISONN
You know what, I'm joining.
Exist in an anchorite cell. Begin to chant "kurie eleison", the chant of the rival Greek Orthodox Church. Also try to convince the Swiss Guard to redirect that missile at Avignon.
1
You start to chant "kurie eleison", but a mob of priests immediately hear you and swarm into your cell to restrain you. Half of them start trying to hang you, the other half try to exorcise you, and one keeps mistakenly trying to offer you first aid, having arrived a bit late to the party.
Devestatar, CABLE, Yoink, syvaris, Angery Demon Noises, Ocra Trooper, Naturedgirl and King Zulan have found Solitude.
King Zulan, Angery Demon Noises, coolboat, CABLE and Yoink have achieved self-flagellation.
Coolboat and Devestatar have recieved Divine Revelation.
Devestatar has summoned the Angel Gabriel.
Avetruetotheeimperator has summoned the dread Duck Lords of the Quack.
CABLE has summoned the Time Geese.
Angery Demon Noises has summoned the Holy Anti-Catholic Triumvirate.
The Vatican is protected by the Energy Shields.
The Time Geese have begun to alter history.
The dead walk.
Author
Topic: ROLL TO ANCHORITE (Read 28664 times)