Say the following poem to get them to stop thinking those thoughts
“Consider the fact that Mary is dead, the fact that no one since her death has found her bed.
Consider the fact that in her time existed naught plastic nor a ping pong bat. Consider how old the corpse would be, would you really want to have sex with that?”
3
The monks listen dutifully, but don't really seem to get your point.
tell my loyal pointy stick guys our quest
we will go on a crusade to reclaim the most holy of objects
the very shiny stick
for oolf the sun god will it
praise the sun
4
You explain to the guards that you're looking for a shiny stick. They seem to get the general idea. Some look confused at the mention of Oolf.
A long way off, through a crowd of tourists, you catch sight of a bishop carrying what could be the stick, or at least an equally shiny one.
God will certainly hear me, even if the people on earth do not. Sing down an angel.
5+1
Accompanied by some kind of percussion instrument next door, you sing a rap hymnal of such power and beauty that the angel Gabriel himself flies down to earth, flaming sword in hand, and visits you in your cell.
"Did you want something doing?"
THAT'S IT, SUMMON THE HOLY ANTI-CATHOLIC TRIUMVIRATE! MADE UP BY THE THE LEADERS OF THE QUAKERS, EVANGELISTS AND THAT SOUTHERN GUY WE DON'T LIKE BUT MAKES A GOOD HUMAN SHIELD
6
In a fit of blinding rage, you call upon the Holy Anti-Catholic triumviruate, uttering the ancient words needed to raise them from their slumber in the centre of the earth. The cell floor explodes, and three figures rise from the smoking hole: the Quaker depicted on Quaker oats boxes, an-eight foor street preacher with a megaphone loud enough to cause earthquakes, and J.D. Greear, the head of the Southern Baptist Convention, holding a shotgun.
The preacher speaks in a voice like thunder.
"Why have you summoned us here, to the stronghold of our enemies, foolish anchorite? Answer carefully, as he who raises us from our immortal slumber without good reason will be cursed with an endless plague of Jehovah's witnesses."
You accompany the legendary rap hymnals of the anchorite in the cell next to you with the unique sound of a small bed being dragged around a tiny stone cell. The two of you create an entirely new form of religious music, beautiful enough to reduce even the most profane and irreligious to tears.
All the anchorites within hearing distance collapse unconscious from religious ecstasy. Some die. You yourself go into a holy trance, seeing visions of heaven itself.
CONTINUE MY DRAG-BED-OPHONE PERFORMANCE BUT ON THE CEILING AND WITH ARMS AND LEGS BENT BACKWARD
3+1
You continue the performance, twisting your body through bizarre contortions, but bed-on-ceiling is only as incredible as bed-on-floor. Luckily, the rap hymnals of the anchorite next door improve as his lyricism and confidence grow, and the music swells into a truly divine sound.
Peering through a chink in the rock, you see the anchorite next door in conversation with the angel Gabriel himself. Huh.
FIND AND ARREST EGAN_BW
1
You put the entire Vatican on red alert, send out your crack security team, and turn on all the sprinklers, but you can't find hide of hair of the guy. Worse still, the rocket you fired at Luxembourg has turned around and is heading towards the Vatican.
Oh well, pray to some random Lovecraftian eldritch abomination to give me supergoose strength and psychic powers.
If the psychic powers obtained, redirect the rocket back at the Vatican, then rip my way outside. If not, skip the psychic powers bit.
6
You honk the forbidden names of the old ones, calling out across the Aeons, petitioning for the aid of the Time Geese. Your plea is granted, and the Eternal Honk reverberates in your ears.
You gain the strength of a thousand geese, and psychic abilities beyond the ken of goose. Through sheer force of will, you reprogram the rocket's propulsion system, directing it back towards the Vatican. You then burst through the outside of the rocket to perch on top, feathers streaming in the supersonic winds.
The laughter of the Time Geese fills your ears. You have beckoned them to this world. Nothing comes without a price.
"I haven't yet but I will!"
QUICK USE MY CHEMISTRY POWERS TO CREATE A POTION THAT LETS FAITHFUL CATHOLICS FLY.
5
Somehow, you create a solution that grants those who drink it the ability to fly, provided they are faithful to Catholicism. This shouldn't have been chemically possible, and all you did was mix random metal salts together, but somehow it works, and doesn't kill the people that drink it. The air fills with giggling seventy-year-old priests levitating a few metres above the ground.
This miracle grants you an audience with the Pope, to prepare for your canonisation. Anything in particular you'd like to say to him?
As an (alleged) priest, I may not have much information on what makes seduction successful, however I've seen the stray cats around the vatican! Their seduction seems to consist of screaming bloody murder while scrabbling around on the ground.
Cats are mammals. Humans are also mammals.
Scream bloody murder while scrabbling around on the ground, in an effort to seduce the pope and/or Devastator's angel.
3
You only manage seduce several stray cats that live around the Vatican and walk past your cell at night. Their lovemaking is passionate. Perhaps too passionate. They may just be trying to kill you.
Connect to the Vatican's minecraft server (which actually exists) and say naughty words like heck and frick.
1
You get banned within seconds, and the profanity filter stops your messages going through anyway.
Have my new followers enact my dark schemes in the holy vatican. Firstly, while the Swiss Guard is distracted by false delirium and threats, we shall take advantage of their follishness! Bring forth the dreaded Duck Lords of the Quack into the Holy See.
5
You cultists prepare the ritual, sacrificing a virgin upon the altar of Saint Peter's, and feasting on the bloody flesh. As the clock strikes midnight, you utter the words of oblivion, bringing about the end times. The Duck Lords of the Quack have at long last infiltrated the Holy See. Invisible beings of unimaginable size slither into the holy city from the depths of the skies, coiling their vast feathered bodies about the towers and awaiting your commands.
The last day of earth's history dawns.
Devestator, CABL, Yoink, syvarris, Angry Demon Noises, Ocra Trooper, Naturegirl and King Zultan have found Solitude.
King Zultan, Angry Demon Noises, coalboat and Yoink have achieved self-flagellation.
Coalboat and Devestator have recieved Divine Revelation.
Devestator has summoned the Angel Gabriel.
Avetruetotheimperator has summoned the dread Duck Lords of the Quack.
CABL has summoned the Time Geese.
Angry Demon Noises has summoned the Holy Anti-Catholic Triumvirate.
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Topic: ROLL TO ANCHORITE (Read 28466 times)