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[Enemy post]

Spoiler: Longer backstory (click to show/hide)

Once upon a time, a house in the town of Genericville ran out of milk. The resulting chaos quickly spread. Ukulele metal filled the air as the house was destroyed, the city fell, governments were overthrown, Doom Mugs fell, and ultimately the world itself was reduced to a chupacabra-infested wasteland before the Imperium of Man finally put it out of its misery.

However, the world was spared this fate at the last minute by the actions of one Shaun O'Brian. As the world passed the point of no return, Shaun used his cow-powered time machine to travel back to shortly before the house ran out of milk and deliver some bottles. This prevented the crisis, but left Shaun a timeline-orphan. Shaun abandoned the modern world and chose to go find some other time to live in. He eventually settled on a small English village called Moorsburg. Everything would be peaceful.

That is, if he hadn't stolen all the town's milk. The chaos began again, aided along or battled by both new characters and refugees who had somehow escaped the deletion of their timeline. Dozens of stories unfolded, from the war against the Sun, the rivalry between Goatsby and Harold Johnson, a new wave of Doom Mugs, and many others. One of particular importance was that of the living Holy Grail and the quest of it and its allies to find the Grail's Holy Milk. After a long journey, the Holy Milk was discovered at the remains of Castle Adjila. An epic battle ensued as dozens of groups converged on the castle to try and claim the nearly unlimited power of the Holy Milk. The Grail and its allies won this battle and swiftly used their power to put an end to the chaos.

Centuries passed as the Grail empire took control of the Earth and rapidly advanced its technological and cultural development. By the year 2219, although the Holy Grail and its allies had long since left the material plane for parts unknown, Earth was a shining and highly advanced society. The first starships were being sent forth to explore new worlds and seek out new civilizations. This is the story of the starship Moloko and the catastrophe it encountered that threatened to bring down the peaceful civilization from whence it came. For you see...

You are the crew of the starship Moloko.

You ran out of milk.

You must acquire more.

Spoiler: Rules (click to show/hide)

Standard d6 rules:
1.Epic Fail:You fail horribly, and the action backfires.
2.Fail:You lose, you get nothing.
3.Average:A little success, a little failure. Most people are a 3.
4.Success:You can't always get what you want, but this time you did.
5.Major success:Everything went better than expected.
6.Overshot:Be careful what you wish for.

You can do pretty much anything you want, with the exception of mind control on someone else's character beyond 1 turn.

Character template:
Name:
Description:
Rank (Optional):
Why do you want milk?

Spoiler: Player characters (click to show/hide)

Name: Former Captain Crunch
Description: The beloved captain of the crew
Rank (Optional): Captain
Why do you want milk? It's not for me! It's for the crew!

Name: GiantDad
Description: No further introduction needed...
Rank (Optional): Captain
Why do you want milk?: To restore my poise. For some reason, all this armor doesn't make me resilient enough to the blows.

Name: T'zzz
Description: Mass of Green tentacles
Rank (Optional): Janitor/Roomba herder
Why do you want milk? Works great to clean the floor when mixed with other products.

Name : Boris
Description : comrade scientist, science is good, DA?
Rank : Ensign
Why do you want milk? : working class needs milk, comrade, its basic marxism

Name: Delta
Description: All those wires in the walls of the ship, every camera and the screens they feed to, the voice over the intercom... that’s me.
Rank: I am the ship’s AI.
Why do you want milk?: The Syndicate designed a milk-powered bomb. Why, I don’t know. I want to make sure they can’t produce one to sabotage the ship.
I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I really don’t want milk.

Name: Bumpbo
Description: A Fat man wearing a Pink and Green Polka Dot Clown Suit
Rank (Optional): Clown
Why do you want milk? The Voices in my head told me I need it to cure the poison the rest of the crew has been feeding me.

Name: Nuhg-Htamuhs
Description: An alien goat abomination with seven heads, seven horns for each head.
Rank (Optional): Baa?
Why do you want milk? A milk sacrifice is required to open the cosmic gate sealing the seven ancient caprine deities: eldritch goat demons which, when freed, will proceed to consume the entire universe by slowly chewing on it like goats tend to do with their food.

Name: R15-B15
Description: A modular human-like robot.
Rank (Optional): Chief Engineer
Why do you want milk?: If I amass a critical amount of milk, I can use its magnetic properties to vastly simplify antimatter containment.

Name: Joshua Dantès
Description: A classicaly handsome man with blond hair and grey eyes.
Rank: The crew’s charismatic and military trained, if somewhat tired of everyone’s antics, first mate.
Why do you want milk: To share it and keep the crew from going crazy in their pursuit of it.

Name: Fallas d'Florist
Description: A short frizzly-haired man in a lab coat, pockets full of syringes.
Rank: Chief Head Bioscientist
Why do you want milk? For my experiments of course!

Name: Dr. Bob
Description: A man with the head of a deer that's wearing a lab coat.
Rank (Optional): Genetic Engineer
Why do you want milk? Everyone else wants it, so that means I also want it.

Name: Silence
Description: ...
Rank (Optional): Mime/Security Officer.
Why do you want milk?: ...

Name: Duncan G. Redford
Description: Dapper Gentleman
Rank: Doctor (of the arts)
Why do you want milk?: For my cup of tea, of course!

Name: Jerald Xynofyllius
Description: The slightly sketchy, definetly kinky librarian-weeb-nerd guy.
Rank (Optional): Syndicate-Hired Curator (Librarian)
Why do you want milk?
A: Syndicate told me to get it.
B: Xenomorphs THRIVE on it.
C: my bones are weak i need calcium

Name: M0o
Description: You feel that you have made a grave mistake.
Rank: enslaved cattle YOUR PUNY CAGE IS NO MORE
RANK: Lord Commander of Space Cow regiment XA-72e
Why do you want milk?
CRUSH THE OPPRESSORS
WE ARE LEGION
THE UNIVERSE IS OURS

Name: Seán Ó’Brían
Description: the Janitor of this sad space shit-hole. Wears a beige jumper and overcoat at all times, as well as enormous hiking boots. Wears a beard which is obviously fake.
Rank (Optional): Janitor.
Why do you want milk?
Seán was going about his business. It was, in fact, a day like any other day. Which is to say it wasn’t a day at all, just another dark period of time in this empty black abyss of space. He decided on this day, after his shift, that he wanted to go and have a nice hot cup of tea. As he brewed the water, fetched the teabag, took out his mug, and poured the water onto the teabag, he went to find some milk to pour into it, and to make the Tea complete. However, there was no milk. That’d be fine, he could just pop down t’th’shops to- no, wait, we’re in fucking space. He gave out a tired sigh, and went to open the door of his unrealistically sized custodial closet to review the current state of the Ship.

Name: Thainos
Description: A very big grap man with a weird chin
Why do you want milk?: To make the universe perfectly balanced (as all things should be) using the Infinity Dairy Products to atomize all space cows therefore stopping space carbon emmisions

Yoink as Borek the droog leader.

Name: Rana
Description: a soft white spherical creature the size of a human eye who is able to talk using the voices of those it has heard
Rank (optional): none
Why You Want Milk?: I want milk so I can add it to myself to increase size and possibly add some limbs.

Name: Tollanus Primus
Description: A future soldier that somehow got aboard the ship for one reason or another. Very secretive though.
Why do you want milk? A giant skeleton on a gold toilet told me to get some for him. Guess he needs to strengthen his bones?

Name: Jordan Alexander
Description: Mixed race man with short black hair, light brown skin and dark blue eyes. One of the greatest special agents The Alliance has.
Rank (Optional): Spec Ops
Why do you want milk?: Chef demands it for some reason.

Spoiler: NPCs (click to show/hide)

Space cows:Flying creatures that look like a cross between porpoises and cows. They also live in space.
The Alliance:The government of Earth and its allied planets. Democratic, employs a tangled bureaucracy.
The Seven:Ancient goat demon gods that threaten the very universe itself.
Modified roomba army:Destroyed, then repaired. Now a dapper fox hunting club.
Perfect space cow:Confused.
Vacuum vermin:
Space Cow regiment XA-72e:Military space cows.
Sir William R. Washingtonson:president of the Dapper Gentlemen's Association.
Crew of the Moloko:Anoymous crewmembers bravely exploring the unknown. Military units have been trained in Imperial Guard techniques.
Platonic milk:Just a friend.
Space Animal Rescue Center:Protecting animal rights, IN SPACE.
Honey badger man:Don't care.
St. Peter:Stands at the pearly gates.
Silence's pet basilisk, Douge:
Valkyries:Choosers of the slain.
Repair nanobots:Born to fix things and devour their creator.
DNA thief:Mysterious figure that steals DNA.
Infinity Dairy expert:Cursed with knowledge.
Sreratv:A culture known for their excellent bank security and expertise in economic matters.
Rickshaw couple:Grumpy, arbitrarily cruel.
Squidward:Son of Thainos.
Other Children of Thainos:"Big stone one, stealthy one, girl one and other girl one that's blue but isn't my favorite daughter."
Wildebeest:Gnu animals.
Army of Thainos:Generic alien monsters in the employ of Thainos.
R'ccc:A famous tentacle creature.
Droogs:Ultra-violent thugs.
ABOMINATION:A terrifying monster genetically engineered by Dr. Bob.
The undead:"When there's no more room in Hell..."
Demons:A common sight in these games.
Giants:Guardians of the Ninth Circle of Hell.
Men of Leng:Inhuman slavers who sail galleys with black sails in the Dreamlands.
Moon beasts:The nightmarish masters of the Men of Leng.
Chupacabras:Mythical creatures from Central America. They are said to drink the blood of goats. They are also quite possibly the most dangerous animals on the planet.
Repair station AI:Overseer of a repair station.
Self-Defense cybernetics:The little posthuman augment that could.
Ivan Drazhanovic:Dr. Bob's teacher.
Jeff Goldblum:Life, uh, finds a way.
Independence natives:Minions of Jeff Goldblum. They are said to possess a mysterious link to their ruler.
Mutant rats:Rats mutated by the Moloko's engine fuel.
The T. rex:When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth
Void nightmares:Monsters from the void.
Droog vampire:A powerful vampire sired by Boris.
Azathoth:The nuclear chaos at the center of all things.
Titanoboa:
Time Lords:Doctor who?
Vampire conspiracy network:Inhabitants of a World of Darkness.
Cervidae mutants:A diverse group of countless artificial creatures unleashed on the homeworld of the deer people.
Alliance High Command:The democratically elected leaders of the Alliance.
Eldritch creatures:Monsters from beyond.
Anonymous Time Lord:A Time Lord that Shaun angered with an attempt to steal her TARDIS.
Afterlife fishers:A fishing crew illegally harvesting souls from the tentacle creature afterlife.
Alpha and Omega squads:Best commandos in the Alliance.
Fishing boat captain:A grizzled tentacle-creature soul hunter who once had his leg bitten off by a ghost.
Mutant Bob:A version of Dr. Bob destroyed by his own unrestricted experiments.
Cult of the Seven:Ancient followers of the Seven.
Mad scientist:
Mini-Douges:
Dracula:The OG vampire.
Vampire council:The vampire leadership.
UberBob:The greatest Bob in all the timelines.
Doc Brown:The inventor of time travel.
Imperium of Man:For the Emprah!
Burt:YOU GOVERNMENTS AREN'T GONNA GET MY NPC SUMMARY!!!
The guard:Poor guy who got talked at.
Emperor of Mankind:Ruler of the Imperium.
Ordos Chronos:Imperium timecops.
Imperial cult:A religion devoted to worship of the Emperor of Mankind. A few supporters have appeared on this timeline's Earth. They mostly like to shout about HERESY and the EMPRAH.
Gamora:Thainos' favorite daughter.
Guardians of the Galaxy:Space outlaws.
Nyarlathotep.
Eliphas the Inheritor:Blood for the blood god!
The Fates:The beings who spin the threads of destiny.
Thainos' evil army:A giant horde of callbacks to previous adventures involving minimalism and/or milk.
Sentient giraffes:A surprisingly common race in the Milky Way, representing about 16% of the total population. Most of this is concentrated in the Camelopardalis constellation.

Spoiler: Locations (click to show/hide)

Space:The Final Frontier.
The Moloko:A standard Earth science and exploration vessel.
Earth:The homeworld of humanity and the capital of the Alliance.
Intergalactic Bazaar:A place to buy almost anything.
The Horsehead Nebula:Made of space dust.
The Afterlife:That place you go after you live.
Dcoan T're nebula:Home of the honey badger men. Quite possibly one of the most dangerous places in the universe.
Space Mexico:Mexico, but in space.
Sanctuary II:Thainos' ship.
Dreamworld:Come with me-And you'll be-In a world of-Pure imagination
Kepler-296:An isolated but habitable planet with two suns.
AI afterlife:Where computer programs go when they die.
Nauka-3 science ship:Educational facility for Soviet mad scientists.
Independence:A planet ruled by Jeff Goldblum.
The Void:A place of emptiness and goat demons.
The Valley of the Doom Mugs:Repository of the apocalypse.
Cervidae:Planet of the mad scientist aliens with deer heads.
Dr. Bob's lab:Dr. Bob's true laboratory, located on his homeworld.
Eldritch Plain:Here there be monsters.
Eldritch Void Bazaar Bubble:The hybrid co-dimensional anomaly where the Bazaar used to be.
Tentacle creature afterlife:The oceanic place where tentacle creatures go when they die.
Gallifrey:Homeworld of the Time Lords
Last Monday:Monday, but the last one.
Alternate timeline:The future without the Grail.
Ancient Egypt:That place with the pyramids.
Mad scientist's planet:
Modern Egypt:That place that still has the pyramids.
Platonic Ideal zone:The region of the Dreamlands where Platonic Ideals are stored.
Hill Valley:"Well, which is it? A hill or a valley?
Egyptian base:An Alliance military base in Cairo. Guarding a major secret.
Burt's house:The heavily fortified home of Burt.
Shaun's TARDIS:Bigger on the inside.
Genericville:A familiar location. About to have serious milk problems.
Elemental Plane of Milk:A dimension full of milk. Also doubles as the Mug Dimension.
Primus's ship:A spaceship used by Primus and his troops. Resembles an Imperium of Man vessel.
The House:A familiar place.
Vormir:Home of the Soul Milk.
Milano:The Guardians of the Galaxy's ship.
Mechanus One:A world where hubristic robots were destroyed by their own creations.
Bliss:
Unknown planet:A faraway planet chosen as a duelling ground by Thainos.
Alliance capital building:Symbol and home of the Alliance government.
Camelopardalis constellation:Home of the giraffe people.

Spoiler: The Moloko (click to show/hide)

This space is just for defining the known features and interior areas of the ship.

The bridge:The ship's command center.
Cargo bay:Has a rogue space cow.
Science deck:An area set aside for various kinds of research and development purposes. Houses various advanced scientific devices.
The replicators:Matter replicators that can produce virtually anything. The food replicators are currently deactivated.
Antimatter drive:Powers the ship.
Kitchens:Staffed by robot cooks.
Infirmary:A medical area.
Warp engines:Propulsion system.
Robot repair room:Overworked repair zone.
Drone fleet:Many of the ship's repair, defense, and security functions are handled by robots. Now subtly promoting mobile games designed by the honey badger people.
Transporter room:Used for conveniently beaming down to planets and sparking philosophical discussions.
Robotics lab:An area intended for R&D work on robots. Separate but adjacent to the robot repair room.
Mail carrier theme:Merging with the truck of the mailman Burt murdered has affected the Moloko's design.
Engineering department:For non-robotic engineering subjects.
Engine maintenance section:A section for the maintenance of the engine.
Brig:The ship's prison.
Hidden time machine room:This room was secretly installed by a time traveler to hide his time machine. Few know of it's existence, much less where it is.
Docking bay:One of several chambers where smaller ships can dock with the Moloko. The ship's contingent of Z-wing starfighters is stored here, along with a few shuttles that are used if the transporter isn't an option for whatever reason.
Observation decks:Large windows for viewing the majesty of space.
Escape pods:"Hold your fire, there's no life forms aboard."
AI core:Houses Delta's mind.
Silence's party:A room on the Moloko that Silence the mime decorated for a party.
Maintenance tunnels:An intricate maze of tunnels perfect for accessing crucial equipment or being hunted by xenomorphs.
Ship's vault:A location for storing valuable items recovered by the Moloko.
Synthetic Power Milk integration:Delta's copy of the Power Milk can boost systems on command.

Spoiler: Hall of Milk (click to show/hide)

Glass of platonic milk:Acquired by R15-B15, but then it left.
Sample of space cow milk:Briefly acquired by Nuhg before he was killed.
Sample of ghost space cow milk:Used by Nuhg to release the Seven in Hell.
Milk in tea:Brewed by Duncan G. Redford.
Glass of Milk:Given to GiantDad to help with his imaginary nausea.
Chupacabra milk:Traded to Nuhg in exchange for Asgardian mead.
Second sample of chupacabra milk:Captured by Thainos for his Unlimited Glove. One of the six Infinity Dairies.
Second sample of ghost space cow milk:Aquired by the ghost of Nuhg.
Douge's found milk:
Doom Mug milk:Collected by T'zzz from their valley in the Dreamlands.
Dr. Bob's milk:Normal milk that Dr. Bob purchased and kept in his fridge. Long since spoiled by time.
Void-tainted milk:Milk from the ruins of the Bazaar. Poisoned by the spittle of Void nightmares.
Second sample of Doom Mug milk:Taken by Thainos. One of the six Infinity Dairies.
Holy Grail Milk:The MacGuffin from the previous game. One of the six Infinity Dairies.
Platonic Ideal Milk:The perfect abstract form of Milk-ness. One of the six Infinity Dairies.
Elemental Plane milk:Summoned from a portal by T'zzz the White to clean some floors.
Time Milk:The milk delivery used by Shaun O'Brian to prevent the events of the original game. One of the six Infinity Dairies.
Soul Milk:Gained with a sacrifice by Primus. One of the six Infinity Dairies.
Synthetic Power Milk:Created by Delta.
Stolen Milk:All the normal milk in the Universe, stolen by Nuhg to pay the Eldritch creatures for their help.
All liquid water:Angelo and Diablo accidentally turned this into milk while "helping" the Fates.

Turn list:1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47.

Minimalism and Milk 4

[CABL]

Name: GiantDad
Description: No further introduction needed...
Rank (Optional): Security Officer
Why do you want milk?: To restore my poise. For some reason, all this armor doesn't make me resilient enough to the blows.

Use food replicator to get me a milkshake.
If that fails, head to the cargo bay and find a caged space cow.

[Trinculoisdead]

Name: Captain Crunch
Description: The beloved captain of the crew
Rank (Optional): Captain
Why do you want milk? It's not for me! It's for the crew!

Scan for wild Space Cows.

[ziizo]

Name: T'zzz
Description: Mass of Green tentacles
Rank (Optional): Janitor
Why do you want milk? Works great to clean the floor when mixed with other products.

Check the other crewmembers "secret" stashes of milk.

[sprinkled chariot]

Name : Boris
Description : comrade scientist, science is good, DA?
Rank : scientist
Why do you want milk? : working class needs milk, comrade, its basic marxism

Genetically engineer new sort of potato, which would be filled with milk and glow in darkness with ominous green light

[Glass]

WE’RE DOING IT AGAIN

Name: Delta
Description: All those wires in the walls of the ship, every camera and the screens they feed to, the voice over the intercom... that’s me.
Rank: I am the ship’s AI.
Why do you want milk?: The Syndicate designed a milk-powered bomb. Why, I don’t know. I want to make sure they can’t produce one to sabotage the ship.
I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I really don’t want milk.

Check our stock records for quantities of milk, shipments of milk, and usage of milk, and any inconsistencies therein, as well as suspicious acquirements.

[crazyabe]

Name: Bumpbo
Description: A Fat man wearing a Pink and Green Polka Dot Clown Suit
Rank (Optional): Clown
Why do you want milk? The Voices in my head told me I need it to cure the poison the rest of the crew has been feeding me.

Head to the Food Replicator- Request one Entire Adult Space Cow.

[randomgenericusername]

Name: Nuhg-Htamuhs
Description: An alien goat abomination with seven heads, seven horns for each head.
Rank (Optional): Baa?
Why do you want milk? A milk sacrifice is required to open the cosmic gate sealing the seven ancient caprine deities: eldritch goat demons which, when freed, will proceed to consume the entire universe by slowly chewing on it like goats tend to do with their food.

Headbutt the closest thing with all of my 49 horns.

[The_Two_Eternities]

Name: R15-B15
Description: A modular human-like robot.
Rank (Optional): Chief Engineer
Why do you want milk?: If I amass a critical amount of milk, I can use its magnetic properties to vastly simplify antimatter containment.

Access the controls for the food replicators and prevent any use of them until I figure out how much milk is necessary.

[Smoke Mirrors]

Name: Joshua Dantès
Description: A classicaly handsome man with blond hair and grey eyes.
Rank: The crew’s charismatic and military trained, if somewhat tired of everyone’s antics, first mate.
Why do you want milk: To share it and keep the crew from going crazy in their pursuit of it.

”Why does this keep happening?”

Requisition extra milk from central command, again.
While Josh is getting tired of milk related shenanigans, I probably never will. Hooray! It’s back!

[FallacyofUrist]

Name: Fallas d'Florist
Description: A short frizzly-haired man in a lab coat, pockets full of syringes.
Rank: Head Bioscientist
Why do you want milk? For my experiments of course!

Acquire cow DNA from DNA reserve.

[spazyak]

PTW will make character tomorrow

[Enemy post]

Turn 1:Boldly Go

Name: Captain Crunch
Description: The beloved captain of the crew
Rank (Optional): Captain
Why do you want milk? It's not for me! It's for the crew!

Scan for wild Space Cows.

3

As Captain of the Moloko, you immediate take your place in the command chair to try and resolve this issue. You're Cap'n Crunch after all, you can't have your crew unable to fully assemble their complete breakfasts. You give the orders to scan for space cows. The scanners detect the presence of a herd of space cows somewhere in this star system, but are unable to give a more precise location. Perhaps they are momentarily concealed by a dark matter concentration.

Name: R15-B15
Description: A modular human-like robot.
Rank (Optional): Chief Engineer
Why do you want milk?: If I amass a critical amount of milk, I can use its magnetic properties to vastly simplify antimatter containment.

Access the controls for the food replicators and prevent any use of them until I figure out how much milk is necessary.

4

You are R15-B15. Your advanced synthetic body makes you perfectly suited to your role as Chief Engineer. As the general notice goes out that the ship's milk supply is missing, you remotely access the food replicators and shut them down. Presumably, an organized solution would be best here.

Name: GiantDad
Description: No further introduction needed...
Rank (Optional): Security Officer
Why do you want milk?: To restore my poise. For some reason, all this armor doesn't make me resilient enough to the blows.

Use food replicator to get me a milkshake.
If that fails, head to the cargo bay and find a caged space cow.

2,5

You attempt to access the food replicators, but are unable to use the device. An error screen flashes a message;"ERROR:ACCESS DENIED BY ORDER OF CHIEF ENGINEER." Deciding not to wait for whatever B15 is planning, you roll down to the cargo bay and locate a space cow in a cage made of force fields. A space cow is shaped a bit like an Earth porpoise, with black and white patterns on its hide, a pair of rippling fins along its sides that it uses to fly, two horns where its eyes should be, and an udder.

Name: T'zzz
Description: Mass of Green tentacles
Rank (Optional): Janitor
Why do you want milk? Works great to clean the floor when mixed with other products.

Check the other crewmembers "secret" stashes of milk.

4

As the janitor, you're well aware of all the places the crew store items that they think are secret. You slither around from stash to stash, but it seems that the ship is indeed out of milk.

Name : Boris
Description : comrade scientist, science is good, DA?
Rank : scientist
Why do you want milk? : working class needs milk, comrade, its basic marxism

Genetically engineer new sort of potato, which would be filled with milk and glow in darkness with ominous green light

4

You head to one of the many science labs and begin programming a new genetic creation. A few minutes later, the modified genome is compiled and a replicator* produces a handful of seeds for you. It will still need to be grown to produce milk and light.

*Thankfully, this was one of the science replicators. The food replicators have been deactivated by order of the Chief Engineer.

WE’RE DOING IT AGAIN

Name: Delta
Description: All those wires in the walls of the ship, every camera and the screens they feed to, the voice over the intercom... that’s me.
Rank: I am the ship’s AI.
Why do you want milk?: The Syndicate designed a milk-powered bomb. Why, I don’t know. I want to make sure they can’t produce one to sabotage the ship.
I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I really don’t want milk.

Check our stock records for quantities of milk, shipments of milk, and usage of milk, and any inconsistencies therein, as well as suspicious acquirements.

2

As the ship's AI, you have access to all the computers and records aboard ship. You search the stock records, but can't find anything particularly noteworthy. The numerous milk-related requests that the crew are spamming into the replicators and computers is creating a great deal of white noise. One of your subroutines pops up to inform you that Bumpo the Clown attempted to create an entire adult space cow using a standard replicator shortly after the Chief Engineer shut down the replicators.

Name: Bumpbo
Description: A Fat man wearing a Pink and Green Polka Dot Clown Suit
Rank (Optional): Clown
Why do you want milk? The Voices in my head told me I need it to cure the poison the rest of the crew has been feeding me.

Head to the Food Replicator- Request one Entire Adult Space Cow.

I like the idea that in the future "Clown" is explicitly a rank that someone on a ship might have.

1

You're Bumpo the Clown. As you know, everyone else on the ship is trying to feed you poison in the name of the ancient lizard government. The only cure is milk, but of course getting it won't be easy in this place. You try to put in a perfectly reasonable request to one of the replicators, but an error message pops up. "ERROR:R15-B15 WON'T LET YOU HAVE MILK."

Name: Joshua Dantès
Description: A classicaly handsome man with blond hair and grey eyes.
Rank: The crew’s charismatic and military trained, if somewhat tired of everyone’s antics, first mate.
Why do you want milk: To share it and keep the crew from going crazy in their pursuit of it.

”Why does this keep happening?”

Requisition extra milk from central command, again.
While Josh is getting tired of milk related shenanigans, I probably never will. Hooray! It’s back!

6

You contact Earth using a quantum entanglement communicator. You reach a bored-looking bureaucrat who asks you to explain the nature of your call. You explain the sudden loss of milk, and the bureaucrat redirects you to a nearly identical worker elsewhere in the galaxy. Several steps later, you're pretty sure you're no closer to actually getting any milk.

Name: Fallas d'Florist
Description: A short frizzly-haired man in a lab coat, pockets full of syringes.
Rank: Head Bioscientist
Why do you want milk? For my experiments of course!

Acquire cow DNA from DNA reserve.

3

You are Fallas d'Florist, Head Bioscientist. You enter one of the labs and walk past Boris, who appears to be experimenting on some kind of potato. You reach the cold storage shelves and retrieve a vial of cow DNA. Before you can insert it into one of the flash cloning cylinders, an alien goat abomination with seven heads appears out of thin air, runs toward you, and trips over its own feet. One of the goat's 49 horns knocks the DNA vial from your hand as it falls.

Name: Nuhg-Htamuhs
Description: An alien goat abomination with seven heads, seven horns for each head.
Rank (Optional): Baa?
Why do you want milk? A milk sacrifice is required to open the cosmic gate sealing the seven ancient caprine deities: eldritch goat demons which, when freed, will proceed to consume the entire universe by slowly chewing on it like goats tend to do with their food.

Headbutt the closest thing with all of my 49 horns.

(Randomly selected target:Fallas d'Florist)
2

You are Nuhg-Htamus, the goat abomination. You will acquire some milk, and so free the eldritch demons who shall lead you to the gnawing death of the universe.

Also, for some reason you're going to headbutt people. You start by appearing in a laboratory on the Moloko and charging the nearest nerd. Having 14 eyes makes it a bit difficult to judge the distance however, causing you to trip. As you fall, you feel one of your horns knock something out of your target's hand.


OOC:

WE’RE DOING IT AGAIN

While Josh is getting tired of milk related shenanigans, I probably never will. Hooray! It’s back!

Thanks for the comments, it really makes me happy to know that people enjoy my weird stories about milk.

[The_Two_Eternities]

Yeah, Minimalism & Milk is awesome.

Head to a laboratory and use the science replicators to help me figure out just how much milk I need for the amount of antimatter this ship is storing.

"I like the idea that in the future "Clown" is explicitly a rank that someone on a ship might have."
Me too.

[King Zultan]

Name: Dr. Bob
Description: A man with the head of a deer that's wearing a lab coat.
Rank (Optional): Genetic Engineer
Why do you want milk? Everyone else wants it, so that means I also want it.

Search the cargo hold for any animals.