A koopa stands in the doorway of a room filled with 7 other koopas in steel armor. Each of these seven armored koopas were busy practicing their skills together. They looked... surprising competent.
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'They're ready for a real fight, once I finish the war planning room I'm going to send them out to see if they can do some damage' Mottled Petrel thought, as he watched Koopaunknown disarm his sparring opponent without breaking a sweat.
For days, Mugamok has locked himself in the library, scribbling away furiously at a pile of papers containing unfathomable numbers of complicated equations. He has yet to finish a single book yet, but he is at least trying to discover new useful practices. Numbers of small explosions can be heard from the library as he works to perfect his new invention, a potent explosive called 'TMT'.
A few days later he informs Mottled Petrel that he has finally finished his first book, "I've created an improved version of the current koopa anatomy. As any of our doctor's may or may not know, I understand that most everyone here has no formal training in their jobs, there are a number of gray areas currently in the koopa anatomy. We've covered the essential organs, but there are a number of smaller organs that are simply just referred to as 'guts'. This book labors to identify some of those smaller organs and describe what their function is in keeping us koopas running optimally". Mottled Petrel took the book he was being presented, and noticed that Mugamok had whitewashed the manga he had bought and written over it "Uh, you do know that we have plenty of quires at your disposal, right?" Mottled Petrel said, as he flipped through the pages. Mugamok shrugged "I couldn't stand to see such a waste of paper laying around, but I must return to my studies now. Show this book to our doctors so that they might gain a more accurate understanding of the koopa anatomy.".
Sanctume was busily working away at the forge when Mottled Petrel walked by. Mottled Petrel approved of this, but he didn't approve of the fact that Sanctume was working from the bottom of the job list up (I fear that the forges has been ultimately fucked somehow). Mottled Petrel didn't say anything, because Sanctume had progressed to the point of adequate weaponsmith and didn't want to question his means as long as he got results.
"Sir, Sir, we've spotted a haxxor sneaking around the fort! We believe he might be trying to steal our artifact earring!" Silverlock exclaimed as he ran up to Mottled Petrel "Tell the fighters I want his head on a pike outside the meat tower!
NOW!" Mottled Petrel called back. Even though Mottled Petrel didn't like that the artifact was useless, he LOVED earrings, and would not let anyone potentially steal such a beautiful one. Unfortunately, it was questionable as to if the military would be able to catch the scoundrel, because he was discovered a pretty considerable distance away from the fort. The military realized this to, because when they heard the news they immediately sprinted out of the barracks and up the ramp.
In the end, the koopas were unable to catch him, so they returned to their barracks in defeat. As Mottled Petrel began pacing around the main room trying to think of what the fort's next move should be, Mugamok approached him with his next book "This, sir, is a book that classifies many of the combustible materials previously untouched by science. I intend-" Mottled Petrel held up his hand for him to stop "Now's not the time, unless you have any books on military strategy I might be able to use.". "Why, no sir, I'm a chemist not a general. Although, I'm sure you can use some of my more recent findings to create explosives that could be used for war." Mugamok said as he slowly tried to hand Mottled Petrel his most recent book. Mottled Petrel waved him off again "I need a map" he said, as he walked away to find one.
As Mottled Petrel searched desperately for a map he noticed a small group of visitors arrive. They immediately asked if they could see the museum, 'Fuck it, I gotta act quick'. Mottled Petrel picked up a spare table and a piece of paper and carried them to the barracks.
Upon arriving at the barracks he found that the fighters were back to training, but when he slammed the table he had with him onto the ground and began scribbling on the paper on top of it he quickly garnered their attention. He drew a rough map of the world on the piece of paper, and then called out to the army around him.
(The dark fortress in the middle of the first picture is the koopa mountainhome, it is just northeast of the hamlets at the top of the second picture)
"Alright koopas, the hippie gloves are off. We are a stronghold of the Ward of Searing, don't you all forget, and now it's time for us to get a little payback on some of our more... irritating neighbors.". This was met with a hearty cheer, before Mottled Petrel continued "Five days north of us is a belt of cannibal settlements of the Whirling Butcher, we are technically not at war with them, but the mountainhome has been attempting to push them back for a while now. To the east of the mountainhome is the kalkir civilization of the National Charms, we are currently at war with them and are far outnumbered. That is why our mission originally was to conquer the waxy jungles, but now that we're here we have a much better angle at another one of our enemies." Mottled Petrel jabbed his finger down on the horseshoe shape above the three magenta trees "This is us, nearly five days travel from the enemies threatening the mountain home the most. We have no one encroaching on our claim currently, but not a days travel to the west is the forum empire of the Merchants of Routing. We are currently at war with them, and they seem keen on driving us out of the desert north of us, but they have no idea that we're here yet and I intend to take the fight to them. Just northeast of us in this mountain range are our allies the mole people, who are currently under attack by the forum people, and to the south near the ocean are our allies the ratooey people, also under attack. To the south are the forum people of the Raw Fury, who have not troubled us yet, but are currently contesting the Merchants of Routing for the region. Your mission is to march a day's travel to the west-south-west to the Forum hillocks of VieledSilvers, lay waste to it, and grab as much loot as you can. I must warn you though, you are going to be up against a town of nearly 75, but if you take them by surprise I'm sure you can do some considerable damage with minimum injury. To aid you in this, I'm assigning each of you a war laser-ceratosaurus to fight along side you. What do you say?" Mottled Petrel finished as he looked up from the map he was just angrily scribbling on.
A few of the koopas present were nodding thoughtfully at what by all means appeared to be a reasonably sound analysis and response to the political climate of the region, KoopaUnknown looked like someone had just tried to explain advanced physics to him. "Zooo... Thiz plan-" "The Forum people are capitalists." Mottled Petrel cut him off, and any shadow of a doubt in KoopaUnknown's mind was instantly cast aside. An intense fire burned in his eyes, and he looked like he was ready to snap the handle of his trident with how hard he was gripping it "
CUNNING CITADELZ, FRONT AND CENTER!". The fighter's instantly clicked the heels of their boots and arranged themselves into a line as KoopaUnknown paced in front of them preparing to give his monologue "Koopaz, I waz zent to diz place with only one goal: Prezerve communizm at any cozt. Theze capitaliztz, they threaten everything we are az a koopa people, and becauze of that they muzt be
zlain! We are but zeven, but if zeven koopaz on their own can forge a great ztronghold out of forbidding wildernezz, than zo can we bring the enemy to their kneez! Today, ve will march out of our home and show them juzt how zuperior our economic zyztem trully iz! When we get zere, I want you to leave no houze unplundered, no capitalizt left alive, if zomeone'z pet dog lookz like they might be hiding any meanz of production I want you to ztrangle it with itz owner'z entrailz,
UNDERZAND!". Each of the soldiers in the line snapped to attention and gave the traditional three armed salute "
YES SIR, FOR THE KING AND FOR MODDED HELL!" they said in unison.
KoopaUnknown slipped on his helm and held open the door to the hallway "Now,
GO, GO, GO!". The koopas ran out into the hallway, which would eventually lead them to the surface and their target. Before he left at the end of the line, KoopaUnknown snatched Mottled Petrel's map from the table "It'z been an honor zerving you zir." and then he ran out with his men.
Rainbowdashfanboi84 decided that instead of raiding, she was going to get some sleep first and went back to the dormitory (She eventually left to catch up with them after her nap). A few seconds later, a tomtenisse poked his red conical hat through the door to look in at Mottled Petrel "Nice speech man. I'm Givel Foldedlaces, mind if I live here. I'm a bard, and I can do bard things for you if you want."
"Sure, we could use someone to ask visitors while we're here. Just, I don't know, find somewhere to sleep I guess.".
The koopas of the fort wasted no time in telling the newest resident of the wonders of our glorious king.
The military has been gone for over two months now, and Mottled Petrel is beginning to fear that they were wiped out (I'm actually really having a tough time telling the date. It jumped from the 11th of limestone to the 9th of galena to the 24th of timber back to the 9th of galena. I think the date might also be utterly fucked as well).
Mugamek, however, seemed utterly convinced that the time spent in battle was going to make the story even better, and was actively preparing a guide for KoopaUnknown about how to write about military conquest.
It is now winter, and there is still no word as to how the military is fairing, but it is nearing the point where it is safe to assume that they all perished.
Word goes up on the surface that the army had returned, to Mottled Petrel's great relief. First is all of the war laser-ceratosauruses, they show no signs of being injured other than a few small scars.
Next is rainbowdashfanboi84 who is completely unscathed, she walks into the fort and immediately starts bragging to her husband about her kills. Next comes Lord_Lemonpie, also completely unwounded. He apparently also had the exact same kills at veiledsilvers. Next is wags, uninjured, also with killing only one plump helmet man and one forumite. Next is Nokopok, uninjured, same kills. Next is KoopaUnknown, uninjured, same kills. "KoopaUnknown, what the hell happened, you guys have been gone for months and everyone claims that they killed exactly one plump helmet man and one forumite." Mottled Petrel asked as KoopaUnknown walked through the gate "Patienze Mottled Petrel, all in due time. Wait for my report and you will know what happened.". Set, same thing. TheRedWolf has the same story, but accidentally revealed a bit of her dark past while doing so.
"Does the death of this koopa have something to do with why you were sent to Modded Hell?" asked Mottled Petrel "I, uh, I... It wassss an accsssident okay!? I really don't want to talk about it." was all she said before she scuttled off after her squadmates.
After reading Mugamek's book on how to write about personal military conquest, KoopaUnknown finally presents Mottled Petrel with his written report on the events that transpired during the raid.
Mottled Petrel looked up at KoopaUnknown "Is that it? You were gone for three months and you only killed seven forumites? Did you at least steal anything?" "We stole a wonderful zeedot leather backpack." KoopaUnknown replied. Mottled Petrel looked down at the report again "Do I really have to specify that I wanted you to raze the site?" KoopaUnknown looked a little surprised "Raze? I thought you zaid raid. Oh, my bad.". Mottled Petrel facepalmed, before saying "Gather yourselves and take a break, but once you're ready I'm sending you guys back out to level someplace.". KoopaUnknown nodded, and then placed the stolen seedot leather backpack in Mottled Petrel's hands before walking out to commend his troops.
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So, I have no idea why it took them so long to get there and why each koopa only killed one plump helmet man and one forumite, but at least no one died and we gained some military planning skill. I'm going to send them out again, this time to raid some place in the near future, does anyone know if there's a good chance that I'll be able to attack the same site again without having a real fighting force present because they expect it? If not, I'll just attack somewhere else. Also, I'm thinking about leaving the actual battle story vague in case one of you guys wants write your own take on what happened. If not, I'll include my take on it in the next update, which might be soon because I really want to see what it's like to raze, or at least pillage a site.
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Topic: The Resurgence of Modded Hell (Back, Still Broken, Now With Giant Butterflies) (Read 301223 times)