Uh, no fucking clue mate. What is the moon, anyways? Why's the ceiling so fucking high up here?
I joined around the time that we murderificated that orky guy with the energy cannon, so at this point I've got no clue where we are or what we're doing, sorry.
Alright, I'll save you 100 pages or so of story and try to give you a short version of things.
So, first things first. Sydney here was born topside, out of an egg in a boiling hot valley in the central country of this continent. This isn't very good for her, considering driders are born albinos before their pigmentation sets in and they don't die from the sun. But this is normal for driders, who don't do any parenting for their children. Now, good news, you got adopted by a fella name Alibert, who recently lost his family and thus undertook the arduous journey of taking care of a drider. Fortunately, you took to working in an inn, and driders grow up at about the same rate as humans before slowing WAY down in the aging department.
Anyway, then you got stabbed, got better, spent a few more years being normal, and then a massive bandit raid (we're talking literal hundreds of bandits here) attacked the town. You and the guards defended it, and even got most of the people out safely through an escape tunnel. However, the dude that stabbed you years ago was pretty pissy about getting shit for it, so you ended up in a duel. This would have been the guy's big break into becoming a lieutenant, but you killed him and tore a chunk out of him to eat (because driders have a tendency for that). This impressed the bandit leader, who gave you the choice of joining up. For the interest of becoming better at things, you joined up.
This proved to be a mistake. You were instantly placed as a lieutenant and thus had some eldritch paint placed on you in a very uncomfortable scene.
You gathered up a band of merry misfits, and picked up Yunikki there. She was a normal, oriental sassy muscly lady back then. Wore a ton of armor, too. Some things happen, and you developed a second personality after participating in a raid on the town due to overwhelming stress. That's the
non-glowy text talking every once in a while. When she takes full control of Sydney, she
talks like this. Much, much later, she got the name Alexia, but that's beside the point. Anyhow, after taking down the town, the bandit leader (Vvulf) stopped the literal army of bandits and performed
The ritual. If you've ever read Berserk, well, this was the equivalent of The Eclipse, except the demons didn't appear to eat everybody, the everybody turned into said demons. Many turned into pigmen, some tore off their flesh to become angry skeletons, and most importantly, people with the lieutenant paint on them were transformed into terrifying eldritch abominations that are probably in constant pain and kinda reflect their sins? I don't know, I kinda winged it for all but three of them. Anyhow, turns out driders are partially immune to eldritch magic, but because Sydney is controlled by people that don't always make the best choices, you didn't remove all of the paint and were left with a longstanding brand on your back (which has been fucked with for a long time and is recently gone.).
There were a few survivors of it all. There was this undercover paladin that had protection on him, and because you gave Yunikki some of your drider silk to reinforce her armor, she managed to fight her way out of there as well. That silk is like a sponge for eldritch-y shit. Anyhow, paladin suggested you head north to talk about counter-acting some of this stuff, but you completely forgot in the meantime. Also of note, you developed necromancy around that time because an exceptionally old lady did some weird shit. The necromancy was a random roll out of 20 possibilities, you guys ended up with the rarest kind of magic because dice gods. isn't that neato?
You went back to raid the bandit camp and ended up fighting a totem pole of meat. A sort of half-lieutenant, really. Consider it a tutorial boss.
Anyhow, because those fellas are dark souls bosses without the bonfires, you ended up nearly dead, but your dad finally finds you after looking for you for a really long time, along with your uncle.
You head to a nearby city, get healed by the heir from Darkest Dungeon, who then leaves to do shit in a hamlet somewhere (this is where that RTD game happened) then you do a lot of things that don't matter that much, though you did stomp out a cult to the eldritch shit invading the world and meet up with Meandra, who was way more energetic back then. You then got kidnapped and rescued a lot of weird guys, but this is also where you met Eveline, a kobolt alchemist. She ends up your best friend. For reference, kobolts are dog-like in this game, and she looked like the mayor's assistant in animal crossing. Anyhow, you then move to the Tower, which is basically university hogwarts. after a short journey and finding ANOTHER eldritch abomination cult (though these guys were nice, if fishy), you end up in a small town that is soon overrun with zombie vampire mosquito mutants. After a somewhat bad decision, you ended up as the hive queen of this stuff. Your allies improvise a cure and you get carted off to the tower to GET LEARNED. Said cure wasn't perfect, though, and you ended up with some vampirism, but it's incredibly easy to take care of. You don't need much blood and animals are good enough. And you ate a lot of meat, anyhow.
You do an education, and the headmaster was a
pillar man. What else is there to be said, really, you learned some shit whatever.
Then you leave, make a quick stop over at Eveline, and have a big ol' arc where you fight Dio, mostly socially because he's a creep and driders are attractive apparently. This is where you meet up with Hal, who was just attracted by the sound of a guerilla war against a ludicrously powerful vampire (dude fights wizards and shit for a living, alright, it's what he does.). After about 50 pages of weird shit that ended up turning Yunikki into a werewolf-crow thing and shattered her sanity and you with a case of minor alternative vampirism. Also you met up with an old school buddy that joined up with the secret service, essentially, and then you left behind your cutie-patootie kobolt friend because you made this vampire detour because this is like her hometown and she wanted to delete that vampire problem. Anyhow, then you moved Meandra to the dwarf cities (which is where she came from in the first place, she went to hogwarts to GET LEARNED on botany so she could help the company she's the heir to.
You arrive in the dwarven cities, discover that they're like WAY ahead in technology the lower you go (I'll be straight with you, if you go all the way down it's full-on cyberpunk 2077 levels of fuck you in tech). You end up in level three, get a job in removing some gangsters that were getting people in trouble, and there you fought a guy with a cannon. You're with us from there, but i'm on a roll anyhow.
You do some more unimportant stuff, fight ANOTHER big ol' case of the fuck-you's with an eldritch invasion, fight a lieutenant (whose design was done by a contest winner named TankKit), end up with the worst case of masturbation arm in the history of everything, end up in trouble with a drider mafia, make the drider mafia get in trouble with you, destroy it, and now you're outside and wondering what the fuck that round block of cheese in the sky is. (spoilers: it's the moon).
Boom, recapped. Anybody got something else important to add?Audiobook version here. I don't know why i did it, most likely it just amused me.