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[origamiscienceguy]

You instruct your wife and kids, "There are two hoses grazing in our fields. Take as much food as you can carry and get to the keep. Shout to everyone you meet to do the same. I'm going to rally the men and delay the army. Don't wait for me. I'll be back, I promise." You reach out and kiss her quickly, then send them off. You strap your hunting bow and quiver to your back and you take your pitchfork from the barn. You see your wife and kids tying some sacks of grain to the horses and mounting them. The horse with the injured knee was writhing on the ground while the other one was happily grazing. You put the injured horse out of its misery knowing that the besieging army would just end up eating it anyways. You quickly undo the straps of the saddle and place it on your horse. You hastily tighten the straps and hope you did it right. You are once again surprised by your horses attitude towards this turn of events. It looked determined and disciplined as you tie the other stupid horse to its saddle and mount it. You begin a gallop and feel momentary resistance as the horse tied to your saddle tries to keep up with your horse's acceleration. You look and see horsemen emerging from your closest neighbors. It doesn't look like any of them survived. Grimly, you turn and head closer to the keep shouting in a loud voice and swinging your pitchfork in the air "WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! TO ME MEN OF TWOSTONE BARONY! WE MUST ALLOW OUR WIVES AND CHILDREN TIME TO REACH THE KEEP! TO ME! TO ME!" You crest a hill and see to your pleasure a long line of peasants making their way towards the keep in the distance. At your speech, some men peel off from the crowd to join you, but just as many quickly turn their heads and hide from your gaze. Cowards. All of the men that come to you have bows and arrows meant for defending the keep, but a good number of them have a melee weapon, a pitchfork, a shovel, or a pickaxe. One of your close neighbors, a man named Renard had a shovel and he asked to mount the other horse. You oblige him. The army crests the hill and notices your group. The remaining horsemen, back from their raiding, come together and charge at you ragtag group.

[vkiNm]

They're but skirmishers!

Order the men with Pitchfork and long weapons to make a line and kneel down with the ones with bows behind them. Making a wall of pointy pitchforks!
The ones with shorter weapons like a shovel or pickaxe will have to wait behind the pitchfork-armed men to help support their backs in case the enemy crashes into us. And to swiftly finish the wounded off once they get stuck on the pitchforks.

Let loose the arrows at the charging men and hopefully whatever survives will not survive an encounter with a wall of sharp farming implements! Join in with the shooting of arrows as well!

Once the horsemen are dealt with, have the men loot them for weapons and sidearms and maybe shields or armor, anything that resemble a real war equipment!

[origamiscienceguy]

You are in a road flanked by two fences dividing one farm from another. You use this to your advantage as you order the men with pitchforks to get down on their knees and hold the forks in front of them. You tell the ones with shorter weapons to hold back and wait for them to get into melee range. Finally, you tell the remaining men to fire at will at the charging horsemen. The horsemen were almost upon you. The riders continued to charge despite the wall of death you had set up. They were probably arrogant, thinking mere peasants could not stop them. The horses were either extremely courageous or extremely stupid, given the previous engagement, the later was more likely true. Regardless, the horsemen charged straight into the wall of pitchforks, and you were momentarily deafened by the crunch of bone and the screaming of the horses. Your pitchfork broke from the impact, but the horse dropped dead and the rider flew over you head, to be killed by Renard before he could recover. The rest of the horsemen were killed in a similar fashion, but now with nearly half of the pitchforks either broken or embedded in dead horses, the second wave of horsemen would be a lot more painful. Thankfully, by this time, your archers had begun firing, dripping soldiers off of their mounts, or crashing the horses themselves. You order the men without pitchforks to quickly take swords from the corpses and ready themselves behind the thinned wall-of-death. The second wave is slightly more successful, as some horsemen fit through the gaps and kill some of the pitchfork-carriers, but your group still kills more than they were killed. You now have so little pitchforks left that a wall is useless. You order the rest of the men to retreat behind the small pile of bodies so that the horses would be slower. You also hope that the surviving enemy horses will get in the way, since they were casually grazing in the middle of a warzone. Unfortunately, despite all that, you know that this charge will be devastating. However, before the horsemen get to you, a horn sounds out and they stop and retreat back to the army. scores of archers take the front row and aim their bows at your group now numbering just about 2 dozen. Renard quickly informs you, "Most of the women and children are in. We've done our job."

[vkiNm]

To the side! Order everyone to run to the side to avoid the first volley, then run for the Keep!

[origamiscienceguy]

You wait for the archers to fire then you command everybody, "To the side! Vault the fence!" The arrows strike the ground where most of your men were standing with only a few going off to the side. You hear a groan as one of your men got hit by a stray arrow and collapsed. You then shout, "RETREAT TO THE KEEP!" you mount your horse, grab a very young man up with you, and start to retreat. The other men mount some of the enemy's horses that survived the suicidal charges, and they too retreat. Everybody else starts sprinting on foot down the road to the keep. The enemy puts their archers away and send out their cavalry once again to cut down those on foot.

[vkiNm]

Perfectly throw the young man onto another horse as we turn ours around, start giving covering fire for the guys on foot with our bow. Landing headshots after perfect headshots at any horseman that got too close with accuracy that would make an elven marksman jealous. Encourage them to keep on running without us as we try to go get the wounded guy.

Leave no one behind!

[origamiscienceguy]

You bring your horse to quickly stop and turn. You throw the young man on the horse with you up and off while you turn. He screams as he flies, but he lands perfectly on another passing horse. You draw your bow and empty your quiver at the charging horses. Each shot is a perfect head shot. The men fall out of their horses like dominoes, but their horses don't seem to realize until they reached the line of retreating peasants. The men quickly mounted the horses two at a time and cantered towards the keep. Everybody was mounted now, but the horses carrying multiple people were slower than the remaining horsemen of the enemy who were steadily catching up to the stragglers. Your group was almost in range of the keep's archers, but the horsemen would reach the stragglers before the stragglers reached the safety of the archer fire.

[vkiNm]

Charge forward, grab an upright pitchfork from a dead horse and hurl it like a Javelin at an incoming horseman that's about to reach a straggler. We have to try to do as much as we can to save as many as we can!

[MoonyTheHuman]

Sing the troll song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy0Bvu7vy9I

[origamiscienceguy]

You charge headlong towards the incoming enemies. You grab an upright pitchfork that was stuck in a horse corpse and lower it down like a lance. You start singing a song that you just made up, "TROLOLOLOLOL-LOLOLOL-LOLOLOL." Your voice was so powerful and the song so meaningful that you are sure musicians will still perform this song centuries from now. The song also terrified the incoming horsemen, and some of them even stopped what they were doing, looked around terrified, and shouted, "Where!? WHERE!?" However, one of the horsemen, probably an officer of some sore because of the fancier design on the helm, ignored your song and charged at the slowest escapee, your neighbor Renard and another man. You throw the pitchfork right over Renard's head and watch it ark downwards and impaling the officer in the chest. At the sight of the dead officer and the eve-present fear of incoming trolls, the remaining cavalry retreated. You hear cheers from the crowd on top of the walls of the keep as the last of the men enter the safe haven of Twostone keep. You enter last and hear the sound of grinding gears as the portcullis slams into the ground.

The Women and children were in the citadel courtyard and they were bringing all the food they brought into the cellar of the church. You dismount and hug your family. Baron Heriot and 3 knights were emerging from within the citadel the baron looked understandably distressed, but his face lit up when we saw the amount of food the women and children managed to bring in. "Is our foe completely idiotic? Or has some act of God allowed us to have such plentiful stores of food and supplies?" "Neither, Lord Heriot." A woman answered. "Our courageous husbands and sons have delayed the enemy's cavalry allowing all of this food and supplies to make it inside!" At this, all the men that fought let out a cheer and pumped their shovels, pick axes, and stolen swords. "It's true!" A gate guard shouted. "These men created phalanxes with their pitchforks and killed many of the horsemen! They even captured a dozen of their horses!" He gestured towards a ramble of horses grazing in the courtyard. Your horse, on the other hand, was standing still as a statue, watching the other horses with a look of disgust. Baron Heriot looked pleased at the excited group of peasants before him. "God be praised! Any of you who are gravely wounded, you may see my personal physician." One of the baron's guards led a group of 4 men inside the citadel. The guard himself had to help one of them walk inside because of an injured leg. "Now, how did you know how to counter a cavalry charge? Which one of you had knowledge of a Phalanx?" Without you knowing what was happening, Renard lifted your arm and shouted, "HERE'S YOUR MAN!" The men started cheering and pumping their weapons in the air again.

Baron Heriot looked at you and seemed impressed. "Very well, Sir Ferant?" "Yes my Lord?" One of the knights answered. The baron continued, "With the recent unfortunate loss of your arming squire, would you accept this honorable man to take his place?" Sir Ferant thought for a long time, looked you over, then said. "I will accept him." Once again, the crowd of peasants erupted in applause. They are silenced by a sentry atop the wall. "an envoy requesting entry Lord Heriot." "Let him in" The baron replied. You hear the grunts of men and the groans of gears as the portcullis is slowly opened. A man with no armor or weapons, but carrying a white flag, rides into the keep on a much smarter-looking horse. He dismounts and hands a sealed letter to a guard, who hands it to the baron. While he is doing this, your horse and the envoy's horse stare at each other, both unmoving. The baron breaks the seal and reads silently. However, once he is finished, the baron throws the paper onto the ground and stamps it into the dirt. "Preposterous. You send my greetings to your lord, and tell him that if he wants this barony, he will have to take it." The envoy mounts and wheels his horse around and without another word, leaves the keep. The Portcullis is once again shut. Once he leaves, everybody disbands to do the mountains of work that needs to be done. But Sir Ferant pulls you aside and asks. "Are you aware of the duties of a squire? And do you have the necessary equipment, Sword, Shield, lance, and horse?

OOC:Whew, that was a long one.

[vkiNm]

Greets the good ser with a polite smile and a graceful bow that will probably surprise them. After all, how could a mere peasant know such a beautiful bow? so flawlessly executed?

Then tell him that yes, yes we are aware of the duties of a squire. For we have had many in our life time. As we are actually a happily retired Knight ourself who choose to settle to a simpler life style. The one and only, (Former) Sir Maximus Fightmaster. And we have all the necessary equipment all around us. Every stick can be a deadly sword. Every staff, a lance. Every fence's board a shield, and of course we already have our trusty steed that have rode with us and survived just as many battles.

And of course, every pebble a deadly bullet as our legendary throwing arms have blinded many eyes and widowed many women.

We should look quite pleased but humble as we recall our great and amazing feats. Then ends with "If you think that's impressive, you should hear about my dearest wife." and chuckle heartily.

[origamiscienceguy]

You greet the Sir Ferant with a graceful bow. Your body perfectly aligned and your posture flawless. You slowly arise and answer humbly, "Yes Sir. I know the duties of a squire because I have been one before, and I have had many during my time as a knight. I am a knight whom for reasons I do not wish to share, decided to retire, settle in a new land, and live a simple life with my family. During my time as a knight, I have learned that anything can be a weapon. This stick is a sword, this staff is a lance, this post is a shield. I also have trained my arm to throw small objects at extremely high velocities. I can throw from a great distance and hit a bobbing horseman right in the eye. Now if you think that is impressive, you should hear about my wife. *chuckle* But I do have my horse here, he has survived many battles and he has saved my life many times." You whistle a high note and your horse obediently trots up to you and Sir Ferant. While it was doing so, Sir Ferant replies to your answer, "That is most impressive. I won't pry for information and I have no doubt that you retired for a noble reason. Sir Ferant inspects your horse, walking around it and patting its mane. "This is a magnificent horse. Small, yet I don't doubt that it's power would rival even my charger. What is it's name?


OOC: I like to keep the character nameless, but I think its time the horse got a name.

[vkiNm]

Epona seems like a good name for her.

[origamiscienceguy]

"her name is Epona." You say while stroking her mane. "That is a good name for such a noble steed. Now, I'd like to see if what those peasants said is true. Come, let us spar." Sir Ferant led you to an archery range behind the citadel and handed you a hardened wooden rod and a wooden kite shield from a rack. He then grabs a rod and shield and began circling you. You follow his every move and circle as well, looking for any weakness. You notice that Sir Ferrant sticks his left leg out slightly too far while he is walking, but other than that, you see no weakness in his position. He looks for any weaknesses in your posture as well, but doesn't seem to find any because he keeps circling.

[vkiNm]

The best defense is a good offense. With a hint of cunning.

Pretend to lose our footing over a slippery grass, our opponent will no doubt take the too-good chance.

One he moves in, steady our footing and lean ourself forward before launching ourself with the leg behind us. Use our shield to hook his out of the way, then as he no doubt  try to stab us, stab our sword forward, letting it slide along his sword just enough that we direct the sword to miss our head by just a hair, and our sword ended up resting against his throat.

"Dead." We'll say with a friendly smile as we show just how obvious the skill gap is.