*exhales*
I've been in a pseudo-relationship with someone for the last six months, and tonight I finally had to tell them I didn't want to do it anymore.
I rushed into it against my instincts, and continued to bond with someone that I knew I probably shouldn't be with. She has a lot of problems and we mismatch in some pretty important ways to me. I stayed more out of pity and being a people-pleaser than legitimate desire, and that's BS for both of us. As time went on my enthusiasm for it waned to the point I started feeling guilty for witholding affection, because I knew more engagement wasn't going to make the inevitable any easier. And I let that go on too long.
We had the nature of our dynamic clearly stated, but that didn't help when the investment was so mismatched. It's not that things were terrible. We had some good times. They just weren't great a lot of the time, and had this undercurrent of low energy and largely her life issues that just continued to sap my attraction to her. It's hard to start getting invested in someone when their health, finances, situation, emotions and history are all rocky. I would have been great for her life. She would not have been so great for mine. As arrogant as this sounds, I'm not really looking to save anyone. I want to meet someone at my level.
Unfortunately the topic got broached over text. I still want to talk in person this weekend. I've been dreading this but it's time, again, to disappoint someone. I've broken things off with more people in the last three years than in my entire life, and it doesn't get any easier.
I'm glad for both our sakes though. I just hope she comes to a place of acceptance. She laid out her emotional insecurities pretty early on and this feeds into most of them. Which didn't make it any easier to do this, but is partly the reason I have to.