I'm really bothered by this train of thought today. I don't want to acknowledge it, and I want to distract myself from it, but I can't concentrate on anything else. I can't get rid of it, it's just in the back of my head bothering me:
I'm really bothered by my virginity. I was reading the recent discussion in the Ameripol thread, which I won't comment on, but the point is is that reading anything about sex or people's sex lives just badly aggravates my feelings of inadequacy. Whenever sex comes up in a discussion, I have to segue out, cause it's just something that requires having common ground, which everyone has, but I don't. I'm not normal. Having sex for people is normal, and I haven't, so I'm not normal.
Why am I virgin after 31 years of life? Well I'm just an inferior human being. I can't look anyone in the eyes knowing that I'm lesser than them. I can't talk to anyone fairly without believing deep down that I'm the inferior person in the conversation. How can I love anyone when I know I don't deserve it, because I'm a second-rate human being?
One of my best friends in the world is someone who I genuinely think is a loser, he's a complainer with an awful attitude and I don't think he'll get very far in the life, but he's a virgin too, and an older one at that, so we share that common ground, and so I can't help but like him and preserve that friendship with him. I don't feel inferior to this man, that may be the only grounds of our friendship.
I honestly hate the world I was born into. I hate other people who I have to feel inferior to. My heart is protected by an armor of hatred. Even if a woman were interested in me, I wouldn't notice, my armor protects me from that. Even if I met a woman I actually like and might want to make a move on, I wouldn't even notice the possibility, my armor separates me from them, and I'm consumed with how to keep defending myself against this person who is undoubtedly superior to me, I have to do everything to prevent them from noticing I'm inferior, or else I'll be at a terrible disadvantage.
I've dated before, but those few experiences just taught me that yes, I am an inferior creature. My attempts just proved that I'm not normal. That I'm outside where everyone else is inside. That my feelings are bad, and I was wrong to feel them, and even more wrong to try to act on them. I was never entitled to my feelings in the first place, I was wrong to be born. Knowing that, trying to socialize is futile, cause the foundation of my social skills is mimicry, to mimic what normal people are like, because I know that if I simply acted on my real thoughts and feelings, all I'd do is harm people, because I'm not normal, I'm fundamentally incompatible with the rest of the world.
I really envy animals, because living their lives according to their innate thoughts and feelings is the only thing they can do. Feeling fake is just not possible to an animal, they're always themselves. I'm always asking myself what a human is, and it always feels to me that a human is an amalgam of experiences that carves the person into a real human being. One of those experiences is sex, and I haven't had sex, so I'm not a real human. Should I ever decide to kill myself, the line of logic that most justifies it, in my mind, that I'm not killing a human being, I'm just turning off a machine, so it can't keep consuming resources while not performing its intended function of being a real human being.
Obviously, I don't apply this logic to anyone else, just myself. I'm clearly malfunctioning. I crave the sensation of being real, and I don't know how I'll ever get it.