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[Keita]

Granted, but because I don't know what that is and can't be bothered to find out you get a box full of nails instead.

I wish my laptop would stop heating up so much

[Tradanbattlan]

Granted. Everything else overheats now.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SWISS MISS IS.

I wish for someone who knew what Swiss Miss is to grant my previous wish.

[Keita]

Granted, (google ftw) but instead of awesome swiss hot chocolate, you get a cheap brand that ripped off the name.

I wish for chaos.

[Tradanbattlan]

Granted.

Spoiler: The best kind of Chaos (click to show/hide)

I wish Sonic Adventure 2 Battle was remade for the Wii, but without the wagglan gimmick.

[inteuniso]

Granted. It now is just Sonic Adventure 2 Battle with- Hey, it's-a me, Mario! Cross-over nooO!!

I wish I didn't have to do any of my homework.

[mission0]

Granted. It now is just Sonic Adventure 2 Battle with- Hey, it's-a me, Mario! Cross-over nooO!!

I wish I didn't have to do any of my homework.

Granted you have to do someone elses homework instead, and they are a year higher than you!

I wish I wish upon a fish

[inteuniso]

Granted! You're now a transvestite.

I wish I had SPESS MUHREEN power armor, and the training to use it.

[Tradanbattlan]

Granted. But your SPESS MAREEN power armor is too heavy for your frame, and you are crushed by it.

I wish for some more Sour Cream & Onion Lays

[Cheddarius]

Granted. Some burly transvestite swipes them and crushes them into your eyes. Then, he punches you in the eyes. You are rendered blind forever.

I wish my head didn't ache mildly.

[Sensei]

Granted. No, it doesn't ache majorly, that would be merely lazy of me. I'm going to have to roll the dice. (5) it aches moderately.

...and I wish for a goldfish.

[Tradanbattlan]

Granted. You get a singular Goldfish snack cracker.
The snack that smiles back. Even if you arent.

I wish for some Sour Cream and Onion Lays that arent put into my body forcefully or painfully.

[inteuniso]

Granted. You get some Sour Cream and Onion Lays that you put in your mouth. The shards of chips break off in your mouth and cause painful bleeding. Ow. Not to mention the fact that you're already blind.

I wish my english teacher was smarter.

[Cheddarius]

Well, you sort of violated the "or painfully" bit...
Anyway. Your English teacher becomes smarter. So much smarter, in fact, that he realizes how much potential he really has. He immediately invests his life savings in AIG (EVERYONE DO THIS, IT IS TOTALLY FINANCIALLY ADVISABLE) and makes millions. You are left with a substitute teacher so idiotic, he can barely manage to move and keep from pooping his pants at the same time. However, he still accidentally gives the whole class detention for three years, enforced by armed guards (he somehow lists you all as murderer-rapists). Your former teacher runs off to Harvard, enrolls in every class, builds a robot to synthesize the information and deliver it to his brain, and leaps forward mentally. He uses his learning in his computer classes to hack into the Harvard database and steal lesson plans and Powerpoints, skimming the information and extrapolating. He soon learns everything Harvard has to offer, and does the same with every major university on the planet. By now he has upgraded his huge cyborg brain to be housed in a several-story building protected by massive armies of diverse robots (internet-incapable robots that thus cannot be attacked with a virus, EMP-hardened robots, etc) and other defenses. He has only one shred of humanity left: Hatred. Hatred for you pathetic fools who failed his class. Hatred for you class clowns, you troublemakers, you idiots. He uproots his entire city-sized base and marches over, encasing you all in cryogenic freezing compartments. He develops near-immortality. His hatred for you in particular is unbounded, and so he gives you a pill that lets you regenerate very quickly, in just a few hours. For endless eons he tortures you, your screams of agony echoing in the wastelands of what was once called Earth. No man lives to listen to your pain. You are his mere plaything, reduced to a life of no hope, only hurt.

I wish my computer was faster (Don't do running faster, that's lame).

[mission0]

Granted, it becomes so fast that the cpu melts from the intense heat created by it.

I wish for more books, that are interesting.

[Cheddarius]

I will interpret your wish as two parts; firstly, that you wish for more books, and secondly, that you were distracted so much that you lost all sense of grammar and said "that are interesting".

Therefore, you are bombarded by eighty copies of "War and Peace Only Everyone is Named Vladimir Also 'It's Over 9000!!!!' is Inserted Every Other Word".

I wish people would have more poignant comics.