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[Gentlefish]

Granted. Of course, you're deaf now, but you can't hear any of that terrible music!


I wish I had access to all the video games ever.

[Tawa]

Granted. You have the classic supernatural abilities (from old comic books) of scaring villains with spiders, running kinda fast because you have a mongoose blood transfusion, being able to eat rocks and survive, and shoot laser beams out your eyes while rollerskating.

Granted. You are murdered when that one group that wants to destroy all the copies of the E.T. video game catches you playing it.

I wish for a flaming sigil.

[Gentlefish]

Granted. You have the classic supernatural abilities (from old comic books) of scaring villains with spiders, running kinda fast because you have a mongoose blood transfusion, being able to eat rocks and survive, and shoot laser beams out your eyes while rollerskating.

Granted. You are murdered when that one group that wants to destroy all the copies of the E.T. video game catches you playing it.

I wish for a flaming sigil.

You pull your hand back quickly when a flaming sigil attached to the flaming sigil burns your hands.

I wish for a tier - 1 class that wasn't magic-based.

[Tawa]

Granted. You now have the Anime Warrior, who can attack twenty times in a single turn at level one and has automatic proficiency with spiked chains and enough starting gold to buy a masterwork one.

I wish somebody would run a new D&D 3.5 game so I could try out my snazzy Dragonfire Adept.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. I start one. It is horrible.

I wish for total immunity to physical harm from heat and cold, and from discomfort from extremes of temperature.

[Gentlefish]

Oops you suddenly experience intense metaphysical harm, due to the existential crisis you are now suffering. The harm is very, very real.

I wish I always woke up on time.

[jaxy15]

Granted. Every time you go to sleep, you wake up on a completely random clock in a completely random place.

I wish I was made of rubber.

[nomoetoe]

Granted, However your unable to move but still able to feel pain, and your stuck with me, I chew on you everyday for the rest of your life.

I wish for a beard, and that everyone on the forums would burrow in it.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, our combined weight breaks your neck.

I wish for a longer holiday.

[Stirk]

Granted. Its "Beat Hugo with a stick" week. You are repetitively beaten. With a stick. For a week.

I wish it could be "Beat Hugo with a stick" week every day!

[Eric Blank]

Granted. Weeks are now a unit of time to measure segments of days, which themselves are now a unit of time measuring segments of a "plox" which measures the rotation of the earth on its axis during the winter solstice and the revolutions immediately before and after it. Hugo gets beat up for 3 plox, but is ignored for the remaining 359 mox of the year and the summer solstice clox.

I wish for warm and snuggly fox fur coats.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, but PETA vandalizes your house.

I wish to become a badass from learning to endure all these stick attacks.

[Tawa]

Granted. Unfortunately, your badassery doesn't extend to being attacked with sticky things/by sticks, depending on what you meant by "stick attacks".

I wish for a falchion.

[Stirk]

Granted, it is a cursed -100 falchion of stench. You can never set it down, it eventually takes both hands to wield, and everyone avoids you until you die alone. It also cannot be used, with such a large malus.

I wish to be able to always get my homework done on time.

[Tawa]

Granted. You cannot, however, turn it in.

By the same token as last time, I wish that googling "falchion" didn't apparently tack an invisible "Fire Emblem" into the search.