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[kahn1234]

((Yes, I am back. And now my stories will have pictures, where appropriate! Unfortunately not hand drawn by me, as i cant draw very well.))

[kahn1234]

((Update will be this evening. Busy weekend))

[kahn1234]

((Sorry, again, for the delay. I'm still trying to fight off some writers block.

As a little subject to focus on, could i possibly get some feedback on this? And maybe some suggestions as to where I should take this, to try and inspire some writing juices?))

[3man75]

((Assuming were fighting creatures inside humans who make them...nigh scarible, then you should play them up. Individually or in groups they should have *some* kind of dailouge that our character over hears. With these rangers you added they should be desperate for help and in need of guidance since..well they just took in a criminal/someone who they can't put a motive on. You should also try to trow in outside information like how other nations, if they exist, are reacting to the recent troubles. As to where you should take it, well who's guiding the general? Or is he trying to break free from a higher influence by taking over the world first? Perhaps a little court intrigue in the form of rumors can go our way via tavern talk. Perhaps a succession crisis and invasion could unfold. An at the end, our character just wants to bring back peace or go home to her family. Maybe become a Military adviser for the royals and a Elven informant.

I hope these suggestions help )

[Harry Baldman]

((Sorry, again, for the delay. I'm still trying to fight off some writers block.

As a little subject to focus on, could i possibly get some feedback on this? And maybe some suggestions as to where I should take this, to try and inspire some writing juices?))

((It seems a little counterintuitive to start the adventure with nothing short of demon generals and geopolitical conflicts. It's also, in my opinion, less than optimal to have villains without human qualities that produce further villains without human qualities, even if you have in-story justification. The morality is a bit too heavy-handed here as a result. Take for example the mayor, who was a caricature rather than someone who may have ostensibly been human at one point.

We've skipped a few levels in the escalation, as mentioned, and there's not much character to a lot of the people, is what I'm trying to say. A little by-the-numbers in terms of general setup, probably trying a bit too hard with the edginess. Tone it down a bit, maybe, add some realism to the mix, diminish the influence of archetypes (warrior woman, demon overlord, handsome ranger) and focus more on character traits and interesting personal details.))

[3man75]

((Sorry, again, for the delay. I'm still trying to fight off some writers block.

As a little subject to focus on, could i possibly get some feedback on this? And maybe some suggestions as to where I should take this, to try and inspire some writing juices?))

((It seems a little counterintuitive to start the adventure with nothing short of demon generals and geopolitical conflicts. It's also, in my opinion, less than optimal to have villains without human qualities that produce further villains without human qualities, even if you have in-story justification. The morality is a bit too heavy-handed here as a result. Take for example the mayor, who was a caricature rather than someone who may have ostensibly been human at one point.

We've skipped a few levels in the escalation, as mentioned, and there's not much character to a lot of the people, is what I'm trying to say. A little by-the-numbers in terms of general setup, probably trying a bit too hard with the edginess. Tone it down a bit, maybe, add some realism to the mix, diminish the influence of archetypes (warrior woman, demon overlord, handsome ranger) and focus more on character traits and interesting personal details.))

((I think harry has put it in better words than i have. +1 to this advice))

[kahn1234]

((Sorry, again, for the delay. I'm still trying to fight off some writers block.

As a little subject to focus on, could i possibly get some feedback on this? And maybe some suggestions as to where I should take this, to try and inspire some writing juices?))

((It seems a little counterintuitive to start the adventure with nothing short of demon generals and geopolitical conflicts. It's also, in my opinion, less than optimal to have villains without human qualities that produce further villains without human qualities, even if you have in-story justification. The morality is a bit too heavy-handed here as a result. Take for example the mayor, who was a caricature rather than someone who may have ostensibly been human at one point.

We've skipped a few levels in the escalation, as mentioned, and there's not much character to a lot of the people, is what I'm trying to say. A little by-the-numbers in terms of general setup, probably trying a bit too hard with the edginess. Tone it down a bit, maybe, add some realism to the mix, diminish the influence of archetypes (warrior woman, demon overlord, handsome ranger) and focus more on character traits and interesting personal details.))

((I was afraid of that. I'll try and tone it down a bit. I think it is very easy for forum games/interactive stories to be easily escalated, especially when the randomness of dice comes into play, which is where the general came from (I was originally going to make him a captain or some such similar rank, but the dice gods decided that a '6' on the D8 i used to get the enemy power level role i did was what they wanted).

I had planned this visit to the garrison to be a slower section. A more in depth look at the day to day lives of the garrison troops and ranger-scouts of this universes only superpower and guiding light against the darkness as well as fleshing out the characters.

As for the geopolitical conflict, I wanted to make the instability of this part of the world be visible. The 'nation' (if it can really be called a unified nation) is called the Southern Clans, and as the name suggests it is a large confederation of clans (think medieval Scotland crossed with the Holy Roman Empire).

I'm sorry that this story is not as good as my sci-fi one, and I will try to improve it. Despite the dice, I will tone down the tones of good and evil. Even though i was going for that duality, i wanted to create a large gray area between them and I think I failed on that account.

As for people like the General lacking human qualities, there I failed again. I was supposed to make him out to be human, but an incredibly evil, twisted human whose blood is crossed with the essence of demons in much the same way the blood of the Atrians (like the ranger) are crossed with the blood-essence of dragons.

I think I will take the kind advice both you and 3man gave, and maybe add to this post the goings on of the rest of the world, at least the Continent of Feritul.))

((Assuming were fighting creatures inside humans who make them...nigh scarible, then you should play them up. Individually or in groups they should have *some* kind of dailouge that our character over hears. With these rangers you added they should be desperate for help and in need of guidance since..well they just took in a criminal/someone who they can't put a motive on. You should also try to trow in outside information like how other nations, if they exist, are reacting to the recent troubles. As to where you should take it, well who's guiding the general? Or is he trying to break free from a higher influence by taking over the world first? Perhaps a little court intrigue in the form of rumors can go our way via tavern talk. Perhaps a succession crisis and invasion could unfold. An at the end, our character just wants to bring back peace or go home to her family. Maybe become a Military adviser for the royals and a Elven informant.

I hope these suggestions help )

Here is a little info dump in the form of the ramblings of an old adventurer. I have decided to use this as a platform for exposition, without filling the actual story with clumsiness, unnecessarily.

The Wondrous Continent of Feritul, by Andarius Quate

The continent I stand on is one of diversity. From its mighty interior mountains and their many branches to the north and south, to the wide plains of the West and the metropolises of the Northern Coasts, the swamps of Mordercai, the Black Jungles, the Venera deserts and the Norfed tundra.

Even the races are varied and numerous. The mountains of Feritul contain many a dwarf; the forests, many an elf; and the caves, many a horror. Orcs, Trolls, Bruti, Fellen and other fell beasts roam, taking what they want, when they want, if they aren't chased off. The little halflings bumble about in their little villages and the mighty Atrians, titans among infants, although few in number in this fair continent, can be found in most major cities, ever watching.

~~~

Framed on in the South and East by the Feritul Ocean, the Cadian Archipelago to the West and the Great Rift Sea to the north, the continent of Feritul and its 5 Great Human Nations stand proud, each powerful and each ages old, watched over and cared for by the Atrians, who sit in their citadels just a short jaunt north across the sea.

There are many rivers flowing through the continent. The Great Hava feeds the Ramannon, the twisting Yalan Vall flows through the Federation, the crystal clear Weldon twists, turns, splits and reunites on its journey through the Republic, the dark waters of the river Tigralium carves the mountains of the States of Long reach and the rapid, volatile Malakar River fuels the Southern Clans, spreading their life-giving essence far and wide, the fertile silt of the river floods enabling the nations to maintain high and healthy populations.

The great mountains contain secrets only the dwarves or the foolish dare chase. Countless expeditions into those demon-dark caverns have been lost. Few stories are told of these grounds, and even fewer are true. All this old man can tell you, is that whats lies down there is more than myth and tale.

~~~

As for the nations, they are as varied as the land they are on.

The mighty Ramannon Imperium sits comfortably in the North West, its great legions ever watchful against the cunning leaders of the States of Long Reach to the South East, the volatile men of the Yellow Banner to the south and the stoic, intelligent war masters of the Federation to the East. Its great cities sprawl for miles, the public works wonders of marble and granite, its people brave and unyielding, with great spirit and even greater faith.

However, not is all as it may seem in the Imperium. There is a rot present, it tugs at the very heart of the nation. In its age, the Ramannon Imperium has grown complacent, decadent and blind. It cannot see the hidden enemies infiltrating its ranks, corrupting its lands and manipulating those who wish to ascertain the Emperors power. There is a threat, and it is one spear and blade cannot defeat easily.
-

-
The freemen of the Yellow Banner Republic are tough and rugged. They value their freedom above everything and anything. Before the guiding light of Atria spread over the world, the Republic, like all human nations, had been engaged in wars with many of their neighbours. Slavery and indentured servitude was common, entire villages and towns could disappear in a few nights and terrors that could steal your mind and make it their own walked the lands freely.

They fought tooth and nail to carve a niche for themselves, and then they fought like lions to defend what meagre holdings they took. Eventually, after intermittent war for hundreds of years, they had created their own nation, their own culture. And they had become proud.

However, like their Northern Neighbor, there are powers at work, as foretold by the Seeker, that will threaten the very foundations of this free nation.
-

-
The States of Long Reach are situated in, as their name would suggest, the Long Reach Mountains (also known as the Dragonback Range) which are situated in the very centre of the continent, with branches of mountainous terrain weaving their way into the nations of Feritul from this central heart.

The high altitude here gives these people a somewhat superior stamina level compared to the average human, and their trade with the Dwarves has made them the richest people on the continent. This has brought untold benefits to the union of city states that make up this small nation.

Its people are wealthy, with many homes large and filled with goods the commoners of other nations would find envious. Their military is well equipped and drilled, armed in the finest armours their smiths can make from the finest metals brought from the human and dwarven mines.

Their peoples close ties to the dwarves has built an everlasting trust, and as such many dwarves can be found fighting for the humans in their armies and living happily amongst the humans in their cities, and vice versa for humans in the great Dwarven Holds.

But as the light of the world fades, fear, uncertainty and distrust grows. There are rumblings in the Dwarven holds or great hosts of evil in the Deep Caverns and the States of Long Reach eye their more volatile neighbors with uncertainty and distrust.
-

-
And so ends Chapter 1, Part 1 of The Wondrous Continent of Feritul, by Andarius Quate.))


((Main story update tomorrow. I'll try and tone down the Good vs Evil overtones, and start fleshing out the characters more. There may be a lot of buzzing about between the main characters perspective, and that of the Ranger and the General, just to liven things up))

[3man75]

Nice update.

[kahn1234]

((Story update will be tomorrow. I am planning, as the next update will be a long one with sections in the point of view of the General, Elf and Ranger.

Please bear with me. _{I hope i havent lost my readers......}))

[kahn1234]

((Finally back! Enjoy))

((Part 1: Ala'tirn.)) ((Feel free to comment after this one, for actions and stuff. I have decided to split the current 'main' characters up. Next update will be through the eyes of Balaroh.))

((I do not own this image))

You walk along the long paved road that winds its way through the countryside, the terrain getting gradually more hilly as you go. Around you is what you would believe to be peaceful countryside. In the distance in almost all directions you can see small homesteads and farms peeking over the hedgerows and small copses of trees.

You smile at the birdsong that surrounds you, breaking the monotony and the repetitive footfalls of your trek. Your mind wanders.

You start to think back to happier times in your childhood, running about your families townhouse in the towering city of Yhil'atr, the gardens and your pets as, like all elves, you were in tune with nature, despite your more metropolitan upbringing. You start humming one of the elven traveling songs, a curious melody that plays on the musical accents of the High Elves.

Emotions wash over you as your mobile meditation takes place, memories washing through you. Your great successes - mastering your first spells, excelling in your military training and your admission into the Mage Academy - bringing inspiration to you. Yes, you faced your trials, you fought many battles both solo and as part of a mercenary company. You are no stranger to hardship.

Standing taller, you unconsciously pick up the pace, and smile. You can do this. This general cannot be unbeatable, he must have a weakness. You think back to his combat style, and realise that he is remarkably blunt in his demeanor. Whilst fast and strong, and obviously skilled, he relies on tiring his opponent, using their fear of his being and frustration against them.

Maybe, you think, that is why the Atrians are so effective at fighting them? The Atrians dont fear them, and they have iron discipline, they dont let frustration get to them.

You kick yourself at this revelation. You are a trained warrior of the Faradunian Kingdom, and a master mage of the Yhil'atr Mages Guild. How could you have forgotten your time at the academy? Or the guild? Where was your discipline and tactical knowledge?

"Damn! I should have seen through his guise!"

"It is not good to dwell on past mistakes, Ala'tirn. The General can be beaten. To be perfectly honest, I am surprised he managed to best you."

"Balaroh." You acknowledge him, almost forgetting he was there. "What do you mean? He was like a force of nature in that ruined mansion."

"And you were a tired, hungry, wounded elven maiden. It was hardly a fair fight, even if I do say so myself". Balaroh says, calmly.

"Still, I dont.......Wait, how do you know what happened? You werent there......."

"I may or may not have had a little peek into your recent memories whilst you were out from my spell. I needed to know if my suspicions about the General were correct." Balaroh responds, almost jokingly.

"Recent memories? I was in that primitives torture chamber for mo...weeks! Just how far did you go?" You ask, alarmed.

"I went back to the beginning of that day, where you awoke in the abandoned house. I must say, you do know how to kill a man." Chuckled the towering Atrian. With quite a bit of mirth, he continues. "Castration and blinding? Was that really necessary?"

Just thinking about that early morning gives you a headache. With a moan, you reply. "Yes. He was a corrupt guard, not that his men seemed to know."

"True, not many of those guards are, or at least were, corrupt. But it won't stay that way for long unless we dislodge that corruption." You dont fail to notice the hint of determination in the Atrian's voice.

You spend the next several hours chatting with the Atrian. You learn that he, like yourself, is from a somewhat successful merchant-class family. He answered the call of war at the young age of 36 and at his current age of 723, he is among one of the oldest and wisest in the Atrian Rangers outside of Atria itself.

You ask why, if Atrians are immortal like the elves, they tend to rarely live above 1200 years old. You are surprised at his answer.

"Yes, we are a long lived people, but we are also an adventurous people. The population of Atria may be huge, and our lands well explored, but there is no shortage of men and women willing to venture into areas they shouldn't. Most never come back. There is also combat against the more barbaric races such as the Orcs and their fell brethren, and least of all the Atlovans and their minions. No, we rarely reach the higher tiers of our age due to war." You can sense the grimness in his voice as he talks, and even a bit of anger. He sighs, and picks up the pace, so much so you even struggle to keep up with him.

You continue in silence for the rest of the journey, which turns out to be longer than the afore-stated 'few hours'. It took you until the next morning for you to reach the fort, which you thought rather impressive perched upon the jutting rocks of the terrain, which had become very mountainous over the last few hours of travel.


Image from Siabona

"Is this the fort you were describing? It doesnt look as I had imagined......"

"Few things are as we first imagine them, Ala'tirn." He strides forward, still following the now very weathered looking road towards the fort, motioning for you to do the same. "Come, some of my brothers in arms should still be there. I want to plan before they set out."

As you approach the gates of the fort, things you hadn't noticed from your first look become apparent. The walls actually look damaged, and there is faint wisps of smoke rising from inside the fort. You notice that outside the walls, there is damaged and destroyed machinery, as well as bodies and their corresponding abandoned weapons and armour. You realise that, from where you were as you crested the hill, you couldn't see any of this.

You glance at Balaroh. He has certainly noticed as well, if the gleaming longsword in his right hand is anything to go by. He has a stern look on his face, one of uncertainty. "There should not have been an attack this soon...." You hear him mutter under his breath.

You move quickly to one of the nearby dead. From his look, he looks like a typical Clansman. Clad in a thick padded surcoat under heavy mail, with a low dome topped helmet, steel vambraces and heavy leather boots, he is every bit the typical footman of a Clanlands army. You notice nearby his almost rectangular heater shield and mace.

You search him, looking for anything important regardless of the hopelessness. Typically, you find nothing of note, except half dried, sticky blood. Wiping your glove on the dead mans sleeve, you rise and draw your bow in one fluid movement. As you and your companion slowly move towards the gate, which you notice is slightly ajar, you string your bow and notch an arrow, keeping your weapon in its ready position.

Fortunately, you hear sounds from within. Sounds that do not belong to a battle. With a relieved sigh, Balaroh puts away his sword, motioning for you to un-notch your arrow. You do so, but you keep your bow ready just in case.

The Ranger braces against one of the door and pushes, his muscles visibly straining as they fill out his tunic and sleeves. The gates moves, and also catches the attention of some men inside, who shout a warning at you and readying their weapons.

"Who goes there?"

"A Ranger of the Empire and his companion, a Mage Warrior of Faradun." Balaroh bellows, loud enough to be heard by everyone in this half of the fort.

"Remove your hoods, Ranger, Elf!" Comes another call. By the voice, you deduce that it is an officer, maybe even a senior captain.

Balaroh motions for you to remove your hood, which you do, slowly. Balaroh does the same, but faster. There are a number of happy sighs of recognition as Balaroh removes his, and a few appreciative intakes of breath when you remove yours. 'Oh how it is to be appreciated' bubbles your more vain side.

The gates open rapidly and a handful of men come jogging towards us, all dressed similarly to Balaroh.

"Glad to see you, brother!" One thunders.

"I thought the Commander sent you out to chase an Atlovan, not pick up pretty elf girls?" Joked another. You smile coquettishly at Balarohs exasperated glance towards you.

"Glad to see you back, Ranger." Said a man who, even for an Atrian, looked on the older side, with gray wisps of hair on his head, interspersed with a rich dark brown. "We recently took one hell of a beating. Managed to route the rest of the bastards back into the gorges. As if we didn't have enough problems to worry about."

"What has happened, sir?" your companion asks, obviously a bit confused. "When I left, the fort was in good condition and relations with the locals were steady."

The commander sighed, shaking his head. "Things have rapidly deteriorated over the last couple of days. It turns out, the locals were actually providing cover for one of the Atlovan's corrupted armies, supplying it and giving its information on our defenses and garrison composition after each meeting.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the Atovans seem to have used their vast amounts of stolen wealth to enlist the aide of two Orc tribes, a tribe of trolls and a Fellen nest. We manned the walls as best we could, but we lost three teams of rangers, roughly half our number, and a good third of the garrison to enemy blades. We also have a number of wounded in the Hospital and Keep over the bridge. More than I would like in our current situation. They even breached the cellars, which is why, as you may see, we are moving everything valuable, and as many people and supplies as possible, to the Keep.

Needless to say, we are in a dire situation."

"Should you really be saying that in front of your men?" You ask, a bit perplexed by his honesty.

"These men know how dire our situation is, Young one. There would be no use in hiding it. Cut off from other garrisons and with no contact with the States of Long Reach in over a month, we are on our own. If you have any ideas to help us, they would be greatly appreciated."

As the rangers chat, you pause for a moment and study your surroundings. The fort has seriously taken a beating. The parts that were roofed were caved in, blood splattered the walls, and there were more dead bodies still lying about clad in the tabards of the Empire than you can count.

Peering into one of the more open buildings, which you assume to be the warehouse, you see a large pile of bodies, mostly of the enemy. It must have been where the enemy flooded in after breaching the cellars. You shudder at the thought of suddenly finding the enemy inside without as well as outside, shooting in. It is most certainly not a position you would want to be in.

~~~***~~~

What do you do?


((Sorry this is a bit short. I was going to put all three characters parts together in this update, but this took me longer to write than I thought it would, and now i really have to go to bed, as I have to get up really early each week day for my job......

Sorry!

Balaroh's Update tomorrow!

As always, feedback is welcome. I have tried to make the characters more human, please let me know how I can improve or how much I have improved!))

[3man75]

Thus far quite good. Can't wait to see General mean pants point of view.

[kahn1234]

((I'll wait till some more people post some interest. Tomorrow will most likely be Balaroh's update.

I dont want to put up an update if no one is about to see it.))

[Harry Baldman]

Now that's nicer already. Let's see the General.

[3man75]

((By the is it okay if talk about new actions? Or should we wait for the Generals update?

If we CAN then i'd like to pitch the idea that we go balls out for the leader of the army that was sent against the fortress. Killing him and destroying their camp with a one big destruction spell (like the one we used on the Governors palace) would draw people to us and give the rangers an avenue to escape for help. Hiding shouldn't be a problem since we can just put on our hood again and hide out in a forest or mountain.

While the Rangers are off we should collect Intel from within the Generals army and continue to kill there officers. Just like in shadow of mordor, without the supporting officers the troops will be discouraged and trow his army into chaos. When the Rangers return with troops we can attack the General Directly. Thoughts?))

[kahn1234]

((By the is it okay if talk about new actions? Or should we wait for the Generals update?

If we CAN then i'd like to pitch the idea that we go balls out for the leader of the army that was sent against the fortress. Killing him and destroying their camp with a one big destruction spell (like the one we used on the Governors palace) would draw people to us and give the rangers an avenue to escape for help. Hiding shouldn't be a problem since we can just put on our hood again and hide out in a forest or mountain.

While the Rangers are off we should collect Intel from within the Generals army and continue to kill there officers. Just like in shadow of mordor, without the supporting officers the troops will be discouraged and trow his army into chaos. When the Rangers return with troops we can attack the General Directly. Thoughts?))

((As i said, you can put up new ideas, at the moment, for Ala'tirn.))