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Author Topic: (SG) The World of Ricovero - Ghost in the Rain  (Read 16277 times)

kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #150 on: October 28, 2014, 06:09:46 pm »

((Update delayed, will be up tomorrow.

Maybe a bit of feedback on the last exposition update? I didnt think I did well in that one. I felt it could have been improved.

I'd like some feedback before I do the second part and the main update.))

3man75

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #151 on: October 28, 2014, 10:24:49 pm »

((Update delayed, will be up tomorrow.

Maybe a bit of feedback on the last exposition update? I didnt think I did well in that one. I felt it could have been improved.

I'd like some feedback before I do the second part and the main update.))

((lil insecure eh?

Besides the forgetting of a Generals name, there's an issue i'm having with Skahls and void stridders. Why is it that the general not happy about these guys? What can they do? Is there a historical situation that can explain to us, the forumers/readers, why not having them around is a bad idea? No, they're just name's that after looking back into the intro show that they..are from caves. That said if you want to keep it a surprise because of difficulty versus story then i say go for it. Games are meant to be enjoyed for thinking, at least forum games imho, and story is a strong secondary.

I think your fine but have more faith in your writing.))
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Harry Baldman

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #152 on: October 29, 2014, 06:58:20 am »

It's probably more important that you have fun with your writing rather than that we approve of it. At least from the reader's perspective - feedback is good, but don't ask for too much of it or after every update. It makes you seem a bit insecure, as was mentioned.

As for actual feedback, I notice that your chosen names seem a bit... off, let's say. Not particularly natural-sounding or easy to remember, so it's not that much of a surprise that you forgot the General's name. At worst they tend to be a bit off-putting, especially when several names are dropped in quick succession. For example, the name "Gherhaert Voldhern" is a very good example of an overwritten, difficult name. In poor Gherhaert's case, notice the superfluous first H and the pointless AE marring the rather inoffensive, if still less than appealing name that is Gerhert. Also notice that Gerhert and Gherhaert are pronounced exactly the same under conventional pronunciation guidelines. That the superfluous H may be a problem is also seen in the name of Balaroh, where it clearly takes away far more than it was probably intended to add. Same applies for the use of apostrophes for elves, where it interferes with reading the name and properly parsing it and, once again, adds absolutely nothing of actual value, merely obfuscates.

Attempts at constructed languages shouldn't be attempts at cryptography is what I'm getting at here (if the language is meant for a communicative purpose), which, when you think about it, also applies to overwritten passages in general.

Besides the forgetting of a Generals name, there's an issue i'm having with Skahls and void stridders. Why is it that the general not happy about these guys? What can they do? Is there a historical situation that can explain to us, the forumers/readers, why not having them around is a bad idea? No, they're just name's that after looking back into the intro show that they..are from caves. That said if you want to keep it a surprise because of difficulty versus story then i say go for it. Games are meant to be enjoyed for thinking, at least forum games imho, and story is a strong secondary.

Skahl (Shkahl?) are the undead (or at least skeletal) and Void Striders are eldritch abominations as far as I can tell. The undesirability of either can then be extrapolated without all that much effort. So I can't say this is a particularly reasonable complaint.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2014, 07:01:01 am by Harry Baldman »
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3man75

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #153 on: October 29, 2014, 10:27:01 am »

Undead shouldn't be a problem to a demon infected guy. Eldritch abominations..i don't know WHAT those are and i'd like clarification later. An by clarification i mean lets kill some and THEN ask about them. Again though, he (they actually) are Demon Lords with no loyalty, why are they afraid?
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Harry Baldman

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #154 on: October 29, 2014, 10:52:04 am »

Undead shouldn't be a problem to a demon infected guy. Eldritch abominations..i don't know WHAT those are and i'd like clarification later. An by clarification i mean lets kill some and THEN ask about them. Again though, he (they actually) are Demon Lords with no loyalty, why are they afraid?

Because they're not machines, and actually can be afraid of things for no reason other than the fact that they're alien and dangerous. And one would suspect a thing created by the people most specialized in depravity among all specifically to be as horrifying and lethal as possible would be somewhat alien and dangerous indeed.
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kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #155 on: October 29, 2014, 06:44:47 pm »

It's probably more important that you have fun with your writing rather than that we approve of it. At least from the reader's perspective - feedback is good, but don't ask for too much of it or after every update. It makes you seem a bit insecure, as was mentioned.

As for actual feedback, I notice that your chosen names seem a bit... off, let's say. Not particularly natural-sounding or easy to remember, so it's not that much of a surprise that you forgot the General's name. At worst they tend to be a bit off-putting, especially when several names are dropped in quick succession. For example, the name "Gherhaert Voldhern" is a very good example of an overwritten, difficult name. In poor Gherhaert's case, notice the superfluous first H and the pointless AE marring the rather inoffensive, if still less than appealing name that is Gerhert. Also notice that Gerhert and Gherhaert are pronounced exactly the same under conventional pronunciation guidelines. That the superfluous H may be a problem is also seen in the name of Balaroh, where it clearly takes away far more than it was probably intended to add. Same applies for the use of apostrophes for elves, where it interferes with reading the name and properly parsing it and, once again, adds absolutely nothing of actual value, merely obfuscates.

Attempts at constructed languages shouldn't be attempts at cryptography is what I'm getting at here (if the language is meant for a communicative purpose), which, when you think about it, also applies to overwritten passages in general.

Besides the forgetting of a Generals name, there's an issue i'm having with Skahls and void stridders. Why is it that the general not happy about these guys? What can they do? Is there a historical situation that can explain to us, the forumers/readers, why not having them around is a bad idea? No, they're just name's that after looking back into the intro show that they..are from caves. That said if you want to keep it a surprise because of difficulty versus story then i say go for it. Games are meant to be enjoyed for thinking, at least forum games imho, and story is a strong secondary.

Skahl (Shkahl?) are the undead (or at least skeletal) and Void Striders are eldritch abominations as far as I can tell. The undesirability of either can then be extrapolated without all that much effort. So I can't say this is a particularly reasonable complaint.

((About the names....noted. I just didnt want a world filled with people with bland names, such as John Smith. Also, the Atrians and Atlovans are supposed to have showier than is practical names. Many of them are supposed to be old enough to have been born in another era, which as we know from real life can have sometimes radically different naming conventions.

The apostrophes in the elves names are supposed to be a bit of inspiration from the Tolkien-esque elven naming conventions. They wont be showing up in every name, but they would not be uncommon.

And sorry about asking for feedback. I must admit, i seem to be better at Sci Fi that Fantasy, so I can be a little overly self doubting.

I will try to improve!))

((As for the update, taking the feedback into account, I will delay till tomorrow. i have done the planning, but I have exposition to create. Will update tomorrow. Which also just so happens to be my birthday.))
« Last Edit: October 29, 2014, 06:46:36 pm by kahn1234 »
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kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #156 on: November 01, 2014, 06:41:10 pm »

((Update tomorrow. Encountered a little writers block.....))

3man75

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #157 on: November 01, 2014, 06:44:00 pm »

Aww :(
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Harry Baldman

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #158 on: November 03, 2014, 04:05:05 pm »

((About the names....noted. I just didnt want a world filled with people with bland names, such as John Smith. Also, the Atrians and Atlovans are supposed to have showier than is practical names. Many of them are supposed to be old enough to have been born in another era, which as we know from real life can have sometimes radically different naming conventions.

The apostrophes in the elves names are supposed to be a bit of inspiration from the Tolkien-esque elven naming conventions. They wont be showing up in every name, but they would not be uncommon.))

Forgot to reply to this!

Trouble is, a name like Gherhaert Voldhern is still bland - it's just more difficult to remember as well. Having regular real-world names solves the memorization problem while remaining bland, making it a cost-effective solution for low-effort campaign settings. Real-world names also have some bathos value, so they can be useful in writing comedy. It's also very easy to name new characters with real-world names. The tradeoffs are typically a decrease in immersion, even if they're painted as translation conventions, and a difficulty in taking these names particularly seriously.

In short, John Smith is beige, while Gherhaert Voldhern is a name that seems like it's randomly generated. Sure, it might be unique and not have a clear analogue in our language, but it doesn't actually mean anything or set off any emotional response. Well, aside from the first name sounding a little like Gerhard, which is the blandest German name I can presently think of. So it doesn't really work at being showy, either.

In addition, on apostrophes, they should probably be used cautiously. Consider substituting them with a space, or rethinking them if that doesn't work. While Tolkien may have been a linguist, I can't say that his names (even if they're internally consistent and well-developed) were particularly exciting or easy to remember. Consider examples of names one would remember from his work, for instance.

But of course, I'm hardly an expert on this, and I have yet to master naming things appropriately myself. I think I'm getting better over time, though.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2014, 04:06:59 pm by Harry Baldman »
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kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #159 on: November 03, 2014, 05:53:25 pm »

((Sorry...had to work overtime today. Totally shattered.

Will get exposition and updates out tomorrow.

As for names, Yea, most of the names you'll get will most likely be far simpler than a number of the ones I have already put in.

Part of the problem is I am good at making name sup after thinking about things for weeks, which is what I do for when I write my stories and hobby-novels. But when it comes to forum games, i am usually thinking up things on the fly (for instance, this universe is heavily adapted from one of my novel universes, so is rather different).

The names are a bit...rushed as I am coming up with them on the spot most of the time. I am getting better, i think, and future characters wont have as complicated names, or names that are more hard hitting.

Again, sorry for the wait, but I promise that there will be an update tomorrow!))

3man75

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #160 on: November 03, 2014, 08:34:58 pm »

Good point by Harry. Also PLEASE DON'T LET THIS DIE!!

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kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #161 on: November 05, 2014, 06:48:46 pm »

((It wont die. I will try and get the update and exposition out tomorrow. Work has been making me pull a lot of extra hours as they have rolled out a huge new software upgrade and it is causing all kinds of shit. Tonight I didn't even get in till 9pm after starting at 6:45am.

Tomorrow I am working much shorter hours, so I should be far less tired, far less head-achy and far more focused.

Sorry about the delay. AGAIN! ARGH!))

kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - A General's Heachache is Never Over
« Reply #162 on: November 09, 2014, 06:59:04 pm »

((Please note, from now on, the Atlovan Battlemaster Gherhaert Voldhern will now be know as Gerrart Volden. And Dore-wiin Few-dhorwil Will be known as Dorwin Few-dhorhil.))

The Wondrous Continent of Feritul, by Andarius Quate
Chapter 13: Famous Duels


The stories of old tell that the Battlemaster was the first to initiate the battle, by barreling forward, swinging his axe mercilessly at the elf. His opponent, however, was no newcomer to a fight, easily dodging and parrying the attack whilst acrobatically dancing away in the style of his people.

Both participants in the following period described their first fight in great detail. We know that the acrobatic, agile elf was able to dance his way around the clearing, peppering the Atlovan with magic, arrows and even the odd bite from his weapons blades every so often. Likewise, the Atlovan professed his admiration for the elf's skill, however he usually insisted that he got several good hits in on the elf with both his axe and his war magic.

Witnesses, of which there were admittedly few and who were unanimously from the Atlovans own band of marauders, provided a bit more detail into the battle. The clash of blade on blade, and blade on shaft, rang through the forest, punctuated almost continuously by the tell tale signs of magic such as explosions and pops. Some could even identify the types of magic used, however this old historian was not privy to that information unfortunately, the finer details lost to time.

Another thing lost to the sands of time are the words passed between the two during the fight. There were many, as was testified by the participants themselves. As the initial engagement stretched on for hours, they said, they learnt much about each other from the taunts and leading conversations they held, both trying to distract the other from the fight.

What we do know is that as the fight drew to a close, ended by exhaustion on both sides, they swore to one another they would meet again, their pride and honour compelling them to complete a task only partially done.

***

Their next engagement was far further south, in the Yellow Banner Republic. Dorwin Few-dhorhil had been tracking the Atlovan with a troop of other elves as part of an investigation into the death of the great princess Velandra from the lands of the Goltein Elves. He professed that it was not hard to follow, due to the trail of destruction and dead Battlemaster Gerrart Volden left behind him.

This second fight took place on one of the many plains in the Republic. Gerrarts troops had camped by a copse of trees, feasting on their newly stolen stocks. Gerrart himself was prowling the perimeter hoping to find an unlucky local to shred with his axe. From what we know, this duel was initiated by Dorwin as he shot a charged arrow at the Atlovan. He saw it coming, however, and managed to dive out of the way as the arrow sped past, burying itself in a thick oak tree, which was promptly shattered by the magical explosion.

As you, my readers, would expect, this caused quite a stir within the Battlemasters camp. His troops swarmed out of their camp. Fortunately for the elves, though, is that they were far fewer in number than they had been, due to their defeat soon after Gerrarts first duel against Dorwin, which forced them south originally. Modern estimates put the Battlemasters forces as little more than 500, with few beings approaching the power of a Faradunian elf, let alone an Atlovan.

The troops of elves, roughly 60 in total by records from the period, let loose their arrows and magic into the charging troops, killing many and forcing Gerrart back into the copse. Leaving the Battlemasters troops to the Elven troop, Dorwin chased after Gerrart, his feet a blur as he dodged and weaved through the enemy forces, avoiding their wildly swinging weapons.

Now, I suspect you are wondering what occurred between the two inside that small copse of trees?

I know, and I will tell you. A battle that shook the earth itself. Witnesses report that there were bright flashed of light, trees being torn from the ground, roots and all, only to be flung away into the far distance and even great cracks and chasms riddling the ground. Fighting between the two forces ceased as they were mesmerized, paralyzed by the spectacle before them.

Like the previous engagement, this carried on for hours. Few details are known about what happened within, as few dared approach and those that did were quickly dispatched by wild magic and wayward bolts of energy. The participants never talked about it either. However there was one main difference between this fight and their first, that being that this fight became more and more wild and destructive as time went past.

By the time the lights and thunder of battle died down, the once fertile, verdant plain was a complex patchwork of chasms, cracks and muddied land, resembling more the pits of the underworld that the lands of Man, the troops of elves and the battlemasters army long fled.

***

And so this pattern continued for almost 4 years, with each fight becoming larger and larger in scale and destructive power. The Long Reach City of Volopolis was flattened, several mountains were turned to little more than dust, an entire mountain range was heavily scarred, forests were cleared, armies clashed and died.

Eventually there were few places in the central areas of Feritul that had not received scars from the grand duel between the Elf and the Atlovan. Even villages of the smallest scale bore some markings, from the travels of the Two across the land during their intermittent rest periods.

Both were feared, and both were respected. Adventurers and sellswords from as far away as the Deserent arrived to try and sell their services to either side. They were always accepted on, and the always ended up dying slow and painful deaths of a wide and exotic variety.

***


When it came to their last battle, though, they knew that their battle between good and evil had to be concluded. For the Elf, it had taken more than enough lives, and for the Battlemaster, he had not taken enough.....



((I hope this can put you on until tomorrow. I have come down with the flu, and using the computer gives me a massive headache so copy-pasting this from Word into this page, and further tweaking it a bit was enough to set off a minor migraine......

I will try and get a real update out tomorrow.))

3man75

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - An Age Old Duel
« Reply #163 on: November 09, 2014, 09:56:59 pm »

Hope you get better
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kahn1234

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Re: (SG) The World of Ricovero - An Age Old Duel
« Reply #164 on: November 13, 2014, 05:32:12 pm »

((Flu is clearing up. Update tomorrow.))
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