Eat USB. Absorb calculator powers.Become cyborg.
[4] You eat your USB stick. You barely manage not to choke on it. You don't become a cyborg. You do gain some insight on how your digestive tract works. Apparently it's special.
RECOVER
[5] You wake up as they unload you from the ambulance. The paramedic response team has done such a bang up job with the burns on your tongue they should only take a couple hours to heal; not bad.
You walk all the way back home seemingly unharmed.
Get working router so we don't have to use our phone. Make website that sells out EP for evil labor. Slave labor works as well as long as it fits in the evil category! And take all the profits!
You go to the store. You pass by EP's room (apparently you live in the same apartment building), and hearing his maniacal chuckles and choking, you decide that when you come back, you'll exploit him.
[4] There are plenty of cheap and expensive routers at the store. You have a choice between LuxxoCrappo brand ($5), DuLuxxo brand ($40), or MedioTech ($100). DuLuxxo brand happens to be wireless, so you only need one cable, but you'll need two for the other two. There are various lengths of cable avalible for $3, $7, and $15 respectively.
Entet the game as a guy with a router
[2] You enter the game as a guy without those widgets. Sorry, the dice decide.
Highmax Location: Tech Mart
$120
Those widgets to filter your broadband out of your phoneline
A laptop (20 Mb/s)
Using phone as hotspot
Ridiculous phone bill
A $60/hour job
DarkPaladin Location: DP's home
$60
Those widgets to filter your broadband out of your phoneline
A laptop (0 Mb/S)
3 CCs of Rat poison
A syringe
A copy of Shakespeare's Hamlet in Chinese
A bucket of spit
A Reindeer
Deep Fryer
A 14' Satellite dish
Elephant Parade Location: EP's home
$60
Those widgets for filtering the broadband out of your phoneline
A laptop (0 Mb/S)
Virus programming skills
Advanced Digestive Tract
Poketwo Location: PT's home
$60
Those widgets that filter your broadband out of your phoneline
A Laptop (0 Mb/s)
Electrical burns on your tongue (expected recovery time a couple hours)
Lukinator Location: Luke's home
$60
A Laptop (0Mb/s)