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[Sappho]

Too exhausted from the second day of work to do any kind of real thinking about anything. Just some general observations that might be significant:

First off, have to keep in mind during all this that I am quite hormonal, so likely feeling worse than I would otherwise.

Sunday night went out to the goodbye party for my Taiji residential, got slightly drunk on a combination of beer, good absinthe, and amazing whiskey. Expected a hangover the next day but surprisingly felt physically OK. Mentally went into the day with high expectations that this time it would be fun and I wouldn't let little things get to me. Turned out to be a fucking nightmare. I want to punch my coworker right in the face. Right in her fucking smug lazy face. Eczema hadn't been too bad for a while but was really terrible yesterday. Presumably from stress. Was very drowsy all day.

Decided not to have any caffeine yesterday (presumably it'd only make me more irritable) and had no sedatives whatsoever in the evening. Got sleepy early, went to bed quite early.

Today was almost exactly the same as yesterday, if not worse. Even without caffeine or alcohol or anything, I felt exactly the same. Just as sleepy, just as miserable. Eczema just as bad. Still want to punch that stupid lazy fucking bitch right in her stupid face. So tonight I'm going to have a beer with dinner, because fuck it, not drinking didn't help and I need a drink.

8 more days at this school (with the weekend break in between) and then I never have to see it again. Send all your happiest vibes, if you believe in that sort of thing. Also, if you believe it might help, feel free to make a voodoo doll of my coworker and set it on fire.

[Sappho]

Yesterday was quite a nice day. The beer made it slightly more difficult to get out of bed but I didn't have any trouble from it the rest of the day. The 2 most difficult boys were not there so the class was quite calm, which surely helped.

Last night I had 2 beers and smoked a little bit of cannabis before bed, mostly as an experiment. Today it was quite difficult to wake up, and I was quite sleepy most of the day - but that is surely also related to the fact that the monthly curse hit me just after lunch, so it's hard to draw conclusions to that. Certainly I was calmer and more laid back today, despite the difficult kids being there causing trouble and the lazy coworker being typically useless. Again, hormones are likely a factor here. For the first time in a while I had a coffee this morning and another after lunch (to try to fight the sleepiness). It made only a very small difference. I did get really sleepy around 2 pm - possibly a caffeine crash, possibly simply the result of the hormone fluxuations. Again, this is a difficult time to draw any conclusions, thanks a lot mother nature.

Strength training has been continuing using the medicine ball while I give my wrists a break. I am not waking up with sore arms, not sure if that's a good sign (that I'm getting really strong) or bad (that I'm not training enough to really work the muscles).

[scrdest]

As a random voice on the internet, I say:

Try to not use cannabis. Not exactly great for you. Not legally (barring the few places it IS legal If you live there, disregard this point), physically, mentally, or socially (seriously, that stuff can be smelled from a mile away, and most people I know of find the smell disgusting.)

It's... weird. I've had a couple of... colleagues...? I guess, that smoked it, and it's just... odd. Warrants usage of multiple ellipses, at very least .

[Sappho]

I don't want to derail this thread with debate about marijuana, but just quickly to respond to concerns:
It is not illegal where I live, for personal use. It has been proven to have various physical and mental/psychological benefits for many people and at times is the only thing standing between me and a nervous breakdown. Socially, that depends on your social group: in mine, it's fairly ubiquitous. (In fact, that is true of this entire city.) Some people abstain and there's no pressure or judgment directed towards them (sort of a "cool, more for us if you don't want any!" attitude), but most of them smoke and none of them have a problem with it. America is the only place I've ever been where people have a problem with it, actually, and I can't for the life of me figure out why, aside from the fact that they're told from birth that it's "bad" and have to worry about jail time if they get caught smoking (most ridiculous thing ever).

All that said, I very rarely smoke because it tends to make me groggy the next day (and sleepy immediately), and I would never push anyone to use it if they didn't want to. That would be like pushing someone to drink chamomile tea or eat only "live cultured" yogurt. Just because the stuff has health benefits for me and I like the taste doesn't mean it's for everyone, and really, I could care less what other people put in their own bodies, as a general rule.

Today was very rough. I hardly slept at all (maybe an hour, max 2) due to diarrhea and cramps from the monthly curse combined with my cat being crazier than usual (might be related to me having the monthly curse, need to start keeping track of that). Kids were quite wild and when I excused my sleepiness to the lazy bitch teacher and explained my night, she laughed and replied that she hadn't slept either because her boyfriend is going on a trip so they were up all night together (GAH too much fucking information). She then proceeded to complain incessantly about how exhausted she was and then sleep for a truly unacceptable amount of the day (more than an hour, all told), and was even more useless than normal, leaving all the work to me.

My stomach has finally calmed down but I still feel pretty shitty. I probably won't be posting too much for a few days or keeping track of anything. Anyway we've got another heat wave so I can't run the computer too much. I did start a StoryNexus story, though, based on DF. Assuming I get it to a usable state, you guys are invited to be the first to test it.

[scrdest]

...Today was very rough...

GAH WHY DID I READ THAT AS 'TOADY'?!

[Siquo]

(GAH too much fucking information)

I see what you (maybe subconsciously) did there

[Carnwennan]

(the OP is probably hilariously out of date by now but whatever)

I am a vegetarian -have been for 7 years or so (Started refusing meat around the age of 10). Never took a single supplement in my life.

I am interested, however, what effect taking B12 supplements would have and -after all- there are not recorded negative effects of taking more than you need. I would be happy to record results on that chart you had in the OP, but looks like it broke somewhere . Doing a little research (ie the webpages on the first page of Google), apparently adults stockpile the stuff; Stockpiles that tend to last ~10 years.

[Sappho]

Ah, yes, need to update the first post. (The B12 did absolutely no good whatsoever.) I'll try to do it soon, sorry about that.

Sorry I've been neglecting this thread. These past 2 weeks are the last 2 at my hellish preschool job and they have not been easy. Today is my last day, but on Tuesday I started getting horrible stomach pains, and it now appears that I have an ulcer. (I suppose that says something about how terrible this job is.) I won't have time to see a doctor until tomorrow but they should be able to heal it up with some pills. Until the pain stops I probably won't be very productive. I haven't managed much more than the occasional rant about Facebook (I've decided to quit, will have to track some data on that) and one short succession game entry which took all my energy.

My last day finishes in 3 hours. Then I go home and wait for the internet repair man to come look at my connection and try to figure out why I can't connect when it's raining outside. (I'm pretty sure the problem is not in my apartment but they want to look anyway, and I have to let them in.) Then I will probably go straight to bed, as I have been doing very early all week, try and fail to sleep, and feel hungry yet simultaneously unable to eat. Wheeeeeeee!

But better days are coming. Soon.

[Sappho]

I want to share a bit about my experience at the hospital today. It was very memorable.

I got sent to the surgery department initially. Many departments are closed on weekends and this was the most general doctor they had. After some bumbling about looking for the right place and trying to answer personal information questions in Czech, they took some blood and then I went in to see the doctor, who turned out to be a handsome young man who spoke perfect English. He asked me about my symptoms, felt around my stomach area a bit, then said it did sound like an ulcer, but they needed to be sure. He sent me for x-rays and ultrasound.

The x-ray was quick then I got send in to the radiologist's office for the ultrasound and analysis. This woman was hilarious. She spoke a few words of English but when she spoke Czech she used simple words and spoke very clearly, so I had no problem understanding her. After the tests were done she sat down next to me and delivered an lecture (in the manner of an affable but concerned great-aunt) about how I'm too young to have these sorts of health problems (no argument from me). She said that in America I can do what I like, but as long as I'm living in the Czech Republic I have to keep myself healthy. No alcohol, no spicy food, no partying, no stress. I assured her that I hardly drink and I almost never go to parties, and I eat healthy. I promised that the stress was mostly from my job, but I have just finished that job and things should get better. She said that was good, but didn't seem entirely convinced.

Then she called me over to her computer where the x-ray was on screen. She pointed out that my lower spine was very obviously curved. Then she pointed out some issues on other parts of the x-ray, that certain things that should be moving around freely were all smushed together. She told me I absolutely have to get more exercise - I told her I do taiji every day and she seemed pleased with that. She said taiji is probably the best kind of exercise to do for these problems, and I must continue with it and not get lazy. Then she told me I must eat well and, more importantly, SLEEP well. I laughed and said I have terrible sleep problems. She thought this over and then wrote down some contact info on a slip of paper - she said this man, Dr. Hu (Hu! Like WHO!), is the best acupuncturist in Prague. I must call on a weekday after 10 am and tell them I've been sent from this hospital and they'll know what to do with me.

She was so funny and so friendly that I was in a very good mood as I went back to the surgeon. He said based on the test results, there's no ulcer, but there's definitely a moderate irritation in my upper bowel and I will have to make an appointment with gastroenterology next week (they're closed on the weekend). They will probably want to do a colonoscopy, he said, and I tried not to think about that. He said for now I have to stay CALM and eat only very gentle foods for a few days, but I should be okay. After describing a few other problems I've been having he said there is also an excellent endocrinologist who can check my thyroid, and a sleep lab where I can get assessed for narcolepsy. And he assured me that yes, you CAN have narcolepsy even if you have trouble falling asleep at night.

All in all, I feel much better after the visit. Some part of me is always worried that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and there's nothing really wrong with me. As unfortunate as it is that I have so many health problems, looking at that x-ray and talking to those doctors made it clear that it is most certainly NOT all in my head, nor is it the pure product of anxiety. Yes, I am sick. But yes, they can help me.

Anyway, my mother is coming on Wednesday and staying for a week. That's generally a stressful thing, but I'm finding reasons to look forward to it. First of all, she's offered to basically pay for everything, since her trip here is otherwise pretty much free. That will be good, since it seems I won't have any paid work until October. Also, she's bringing me my newly-ordered VivoBarefoot shoes (half the price in the US as here!) and a few used books I ordered. And she's always called me a hypochondriac, but now I have it down on paper that I really do have all these problems, and I can rub that in her face a bit. I might even take her to the hospital with me when I go for the gastroenterologist.

[Skyrunner]

Hospitals are always so many checks and stuff and then it turns out to be not as bad as you thought :3

(except when it's not...)

[Sappho]

Apologies for the lack of actual experiments lately. I've been caught up in the irrationality of real life. My mother is visiting and I haven't had more than an hour of private time since Wednesday.

I finally met up with the girl i'm in love with today. I finally told her how I felt, in my awkward and silly way, and asked her how she felt. It was like pulling teeth. She wanted to change the subject, send me away, not answer the question, leave it in limbo. In the end, what she finally confessed was that
1. she is totally into me. Totally. She likes me and she finds me attractive.
2. she wants to be alone right now. She is pretty satisfied with her single life and doesn't want to fuck with it just yet, after her 8-year long-distance relationship ending last fall.
I made it clear that we're cool, we can be friends, no pressure. But half-joking I told her that if she wants to be alone, that's totally cool, I've been alone most of my life and it is generally pretty rad. But if she wants to date someone else, I'll be super jealous. I also told her that now it's clear that she knows how I feel (apparently she did all along but didn't respond because of mixed feelings) I will not be making the moves on her, and if she ever decides she wants something to happen, SHE needs to make a move on ME. She agreed. We had a very long hug before she left.

My own mother told me that this girl is clearly totally into me, prompting my bravery in awkwardly confessing my feelings. She told me I make her feel "shy and embarrassed" and it took a lot of teeth-pulling to get her to explain that she knows I like her and she likes me but wants to be alone for now. We were both giggling like embarrassed 12-year-olds trying to confess our feelings. She is definitely interested in maintaining a friendship but it is now clear to me that she doesn't want anything else for now.

I'm proud that I finally told her how I feel (though I didn't tell her everything, played it a bit "cool" in the sense of only telling her I really like her, which she apparently already knew, didn't say things like "in love with"). I'm glad to know for sure that she knows how I feel and is only unsure of her own position at the moment. I'm happy to maintain a friendship as long as i know she's single.

Previously I was concerned that she didn't know how I felt, that I didn't express myself well enough. So I was always trying to indirectly show my feelings, to send the signals. She didn't respond. I wondered if maybe she has AS too and was just as clueless as me. I now know that she does not (she said as much, though she also said she has her "own issues" that she flat-out refused to discuss) so I will not be so pushy and hopefully she will feel less pressured and more comfortable with me.

What I should do is back off and get over it for now. This is not going to happen. I'm still in love and now I know that while she is not in a position where she wants a relationship, she's totally into me. There is not going to be any getting over her on my part. As long as there's hope (and strong hope at that) I'm going to continue to obsess. Whether this is wise or not is irrelevant. It just is. And I'm aware of it, and for the first time I'm aware of the full situation.

We invited her to come cave exploring tomorrow with me, my mother, and a few friends. She said maybe - a very positive-sounding maybe, stronger than I usually get from her. I don't know if she'll really come, but she seemed genuinely interested. She wants to meet sometime next week for drinks. She seemed like she really meant it.

From her words and body language and tone, she seemed to really want to continue our friendship without it getting complicated. So much so that she was willing to tolerate my advances without comment. I hope that now we're clear on how we feel, it will be less awkward. I really hope that she'll get more comfortable with me and less closed-off, share more about herself, be less stressed around me.

The very short version: I'm desperately in love, she's totally into me, and it's not going to happen anytime soon. But it might happen eventually. So I can't get over her, can't move on, will do everything in my power to seem non-threatening and cool.

Ha! Cool... The opposite of me. The fact that she finds me in any way attractive despite my incredible awkwardness... I'll never find a more perfect woman (or man) for me.

Good night, world!

[Skyrunner]

Yay!

[Tiruin]

That's wonderful!

[Sappho]

Thanks guys! She came with us on a trip to some caves near Prague yesterday. We spent the whole day together and it was wonderful. I noticed that she is suddenly not shy or nervous around me. She used to always refuse to share personal things with me and it was always impossible to get her to spend time with me away from work. Now it's like suddenly everything is okay, like she's not afraid of me anymore. It seems my theory was probably correct:
1. She had feelings for me all this time but didn't feel ready to be in a relationship.
2. She was afraid to spend time alone with me because I might make a move on her and force her to say how she felt.
3. She was afraid that if she told me she couldn't date me right now, I'd tell her we couldn't be friends, and staying friends with me was important to her.
4. Now that she realizes that I'm okay with being friends and I'm not going anywhere, she is no longer afraid of scaring me away and all the barriers have come down. We can finally be close.

This may be a narcissistic view of the situation but it fits all the facts. Even more narcissistic is that I'm convinced now that she's spending real time with me and getting to know the "real" me (not the miserable work version of me), and we'll get to know each other properly, she'll see that I am awesome and eventually she'll stop feeling the need to be alone and Good Things will happen. But she knows it's on her to let me know if she wants something more.

That, or she'll break my heart and I'll cry for months. I'm going to go ahead and not worry about that possibility unless it happens.

I'm just ridiculously happy. I keep realizing that I'm staring off into space and smiling, thinking about her. Strangely, however, I'm not sleeping well. Last night I only slept about 3 hours (and had nightmares the whole time). Normally when I wake up from sleeping (as happens frequently), I am able to get back to sleep pretty quickly, but last night, every time I woke up, I woke up ALL the way and wasn't able to get back to sleep for hours afterward. I've also had a bit of an upset stomach for days and haven't eaten enough, but have no appetite.

For now I'm assuming it's because my mother is still here and I haven't had any time or space to myself since last Wednesday. My apartment is a DISASTER as well. She just keeps throwing things all over the place (she was always a slob) and then demanding that we leave the house and do stuff constantly so I never get time to clean (and eat all our meals in restaurants, which means a lot of things I would never normally eat). Tomorrow is her last day here, then Wednesday morning I take her to the airport. I can't wait.

I'll update with details on my sleeping habits after she leaves.

[Sappho]

Hello again, friends. I had decided to let this die because it had become less about my experiments and more like a blog, and I vowed never to have a personal blog again (I'm not an angsty teen anymore). But now I have a new experiment that needs running, and I need help figuring out how to do it.

Since my last 2 weeks working at the old job from hell, I seem to have developed tinnitus. Before then, I would get ringing in my ears every once in a while, usually only for a few seconds. It definitely started while I was working at that school. My hypersensitive hearing just couldn't deal with all the screaming. Those last 2 weeks seemed to have pushed me over the limit. By the end of the last day, aside from the horrible stress-induced gut pain I described before (which has not come back since despite my resuming my regular consumption of spicy food and alcohol), the ear-ringing appears to have become permanent.

It's been about three and a half weeks now and it's starting to drive me mad. With my sensory issues, having a constant sound in my ears is like a custom-tailored torture designed to drive me to insanity. I need a certain amount of silence each day or I can't fully recharge my batteries. I haven't had silence in 3.5 weeks. You can see the problem.

I know there is no cure for tinnitus, but I've heard that different people find different ways of lessening it. There's even the possibility that it could be temporary, depending on what's causing it (although it seems likely that it's caused by ear damage, which would probably be irreversible). I need to experiment. I need to figure this out. Because the moment I accept that there is going to be a high-pitched screaming sound in my ears every waking second of my life until the day I die, I will surely descend into a terrible depression.

The only thing I've found so far that seems to be true is that drinking wine makes it worse. I base this on the past two nights of drinking wine. Each time I didn't have too much, just a couple of glasses, but it increased the volume of the ringing to the point where I couldn't sleep. So the first step is to not drink any wine and see if it gets better.

I will also have to try drinking other alcohols and see how it effects me. I might discover that beer is fine, for example. Or whiskey. Or absinthe. I hope absinthe is okay. But I'm staying off of alcohol for at least a few days to see if it gets any better.

The other strong possibility is that it's worsened by depression. I've heard there is evidence for this. Things in my life are going quite well at the moment, but I have been doing the same thing almost every day for the past few weeks: get up, turn on writing computer, write for hours, draw/paint a lot, listen to some music or watch some programs, play some games, bed. I drink a cup of coffee at the same time every day. I don't really talk to other people much.

It has been a very productive period of time, but I'm not getting much exercise of social contact. I need to make a change here. I can feel myself starting to get depressed and I don't want to let that happen. Tomorrow I'll go to taiji training in the afternoon. I also have a new pair of "barefoot" style running shoes - I may try to get myself up early in the morning and go running for the first time since high school. Overall, if I can reduce the feeling of depression, I'm hoping the ringing will get better as well.

Finally, I need to track things and get some hard data about how I'm doing. I know I can't trust my own memory for this. The problem in this case is that thinking about it, focusing on it, seems to make it worse. Like, maybe I'm able to forget about it or block it out, but if I check to see if it's there, it always is. I'm not sure what to do about this. I can't be keeping a chart and marking down every hour whether I hear it or not, because I always will, and it will get worse that way. I suppose I could try to mark it down at times when I notice it, but even having that sort of chart waiting to be filled in will make me think about it more. I'm very open to suggestions here.

Any other tips, suggestions on things to try, ideas, etc. are very much welcome right now. I may not be able to cure this, but I at least need to find a way to come to grips with it and deal with it, and for me that includes understanding it as well as possible.