Soccer is what's really destroying America
What a beautiful parody piece. Maybe I can finally start to appreciate Ann Coulter, now that she understands what a Satire is.
• Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.
1. Like the Metric System, Football/Soccer promotes Liberal and French values, like team coordination, and flip-kicks. However, in no way like the Metric System, the sport is a widely accepted refinement on similar versions created by regional cultures and peoples, which has been vastly improved, standardized, and is now seen all over the world, except in select few xenophobic countries.
• It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.
2. Black people don't like French people. Coulter doesn't like French people. Therefore, Coulter is Black.
3. It's good that we can make assumptions about people based on their ethnicity still. Man, what if we lived in a world where Black people could like Football/Soccer? Or what if Black people
could also be Liberal, or even French? What a crazy hypothetical world that would be!
• You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!
4. For anyone who is confused by this comment, Goalies aren't
actually playing Football/Soccer, since hands and catching are involved. They're just sorta on the side. Goal-keeping is kinda like cheerleading, right?
5. Everyone knows that primates and birds, and many marsupials, reptiles, rodents, and other mammals prefer to play Handegg, "The Football For Things With Thumbs and Souls". (Unless, of course, they're French birds, marsupials, etc.).