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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 706048 times)

Tawa

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3540 on: January 09, 2017, 08:50:42 pm »

Juan and his friend Carlos are visiting the house of Carlos's business partner named Jack O'Gramme, who is a famous manufacturer of metric-system measuring equipment. Carlos is conducting a meeting in the parlor and Juan is leaning against the wall outside. Suddenly, Juan hears a loud "thump" from inside the parlor, followed by the shattering of glass.

Rushing into the room, Juan sees Carlos lying on the floor, a set of weights near his head. A window is horrendously shattered, and Jack is nowhere to be seen. Juan rushes over to Carlos to see if he's alive. It's a gruesome sight; a heavy-looking black cylinder marked "1kg" is covered in blood, and Carlos's head is visibly dented.

Juan says, "Carlos! Carlos, are you OK?!"

Carlos, miraculously having a bit of life left in him, responds, very groggily, "Carlos... the deal went bad... he got me good..."

A moment passes. "I don't have much... time left... I need you to do one thing for me... after I'm gone..."

Juan, on the verge of tears, says "Wh... what is it, Carlos?"

Carlos coughs a little, and says back,
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Insanegame27

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3541 on: January 10, 2017, 06:02:53 am »

One I (hope) I invented.


Why couldn't the dinosaur get a job as a cop? Every case was out of his Jurassiction.
He made a good detective though. He -saur everything.
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Quote from: Second Amendment
A militia cannot function properly without arms, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without tanks and warplanes, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear tanks and warplanes, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without ICBMs, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear ICBMs, shall not be infringed.

Avis-Mergulus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3542 on: January 10, 2017, 07:12:49 am »

One I (hope) I invented.


Why couldn't the dinosaur get a job as a cop? Every case was out of his Jurassiction.
He made a good detective though. He -saur everything.
Argh

Here's your coat, pls leave

What do you mean this is not your coat

Heck, take all of them, just go

* Avis rolls Insanegame into a ball of coats and rolls the ball out the door
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Insanegame27

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3543 on: January 10, 2017, 08:10:20 am »

Do I win?
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Power/metagaming RL since Birth/Born to do it.
Quote from: Second Amendment
A militia cannot function properly without arms, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without tanks and warplanes, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear tanks and warplanes, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without ICBMs, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear ICBMs, shall not be infringed.

tonnot98

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3544 on: January 10, 2017, 10:12:45 am »

What do you call a flying jew?

Smoke.
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Reelya

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3545 on: January 10, 2017, 11:09:35 am »

Why shouldn't you buy a used car from a dinosaur?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Helgoland

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3546 on: January 10, 2017, 08:21:34 pm »

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"
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Starver

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3547 on: January 11, 2017, 01:02:16 am »

I liked that one more than I should have...  ;)


In days of yore, messages from the telegraph were printed out on tickertape, torn into shorter strips and stuck onto card to be delivered to the recipient.  Being labour-intensive, they made a new machine that would collate several multiplexed lines of a message across a wider tape and then guillotine the required length off for delivery with an angled cutting blade.  And thus was created the Parallelogram.
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3548 on: January 11, 2017, 06:38:51 pm »

Why shouldn't you buy a used car from a dinosaur?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

They get into Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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a1s

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3549 on: January 14, 2017, 12:21:17 pm »

Why shouldn't you buy a used car from a dinosaur?
They get into Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Did you hear the joke about the witch's broom?
It's sweeping the nation!
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Tawa

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3550 on: January 14, 2017, 12:37:44 pm »

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TheDarkStar

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3551 on: January 14, 2017, 03:17:51 pm »

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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martinuzz

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3552 on: January 14, 2017, 05:25:42 pm »

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
No clue. But with proper funding, I'm sure we can get to the bottom of it
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AzyWng

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3553 on: January 14, 2017, 05:44:08 pm »

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
No clue. But with proper funding, I'm sure we can get to the bottom of it
I sea what you did there, but there's really no need to start digging up dirt on his jokes!
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TD1

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3554 on: January 14, 2017, 06:05:32 pm »

These jokes are all really ship.
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