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[hector13]

Why did the one-armed bandit cross the road?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

To get to the second-hand shop.

[Dutrius]

A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at a bus stop. What did the bus driver say when he stopped?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Aye, aye aye. You look 'armless enough. Hop on then."

Shamelessly taken from my grandad.

[Bumber]

A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at a bus stop. What did the bus driver say when he stopped?

Trick question. He didn't stop.

This caused him to run over the man's three-eyed dog. The bus driver was found dead the next morning with a hole in his forehead.

Extra-shitty twist: The bus driver was the man's son. Irrelevant: The dog was distantly related to Hitler's, because why not.

[RedWarrior0]

A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at a bus stop. What did the bus driver say when he stopped?

Trick question. He didn't stop.

This caused him to run over the man's three-eyed dog. The bus driver was found dead the next morning with a hole in his forehead.

Extra-shitty twist: The bus driver was the man's son. Irrelevant: The dog was distantly related to Hitler's, because why not.

If you set color=transparent it always works

Like this

[Foxite]

50 Cent's new album is on sale

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

For 25 cents

[Bumber]

What does a portrait put on a salad? Vignette dressing.

How do you clear constipated lungs? Pulmonary enema.

What's the scientific classification for a homeless person? Hobo sapiens.

What formed after Lex Luthor got an injury? Lesion of doom.

Why did the band bring so many drummers to the concert? They wanted to take extra percussions.

What did the Imperial City guard say to the hard candy? "It's all over, jawbreaker!"

What was the exorcist's sales pitch when he became a car salesman? "The horsepower of Chrysler compels you!"

Why was the museum staff stressed after acquiring some Impressionist paintings? Mo' Monet, mo' problems.

Why was the bird so important? It was imparrotive.

Why did people hide in their homes when Classical musicians strolled through town? Too much violins on the streets.

(I'd been saving these for a while. All original, as far as I know.)

[IcyTea31]

What did the Imperial City guard say to the hard candy? "It's all over, jawbreaker!"

What about the tiny candy bear? "Stop right there, minimal gum!"

[Bumber]

What did the Imperial City guard say to the hard candy? "It's all over, jawbreaker!"

What about the tiny candy bear? "Stop right there, minimal gum!"

[hops]

Why are people afraid of the high-tech Inca warriors from an alternate dimension?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

They have e-bolas

[Empiricist]

I was going to make an abortion joke, but then I realized how tasteless that would be, so I aborted it.

[SaberToothTiger]

How do we know Schweinsteiger is a German?

If he wasn't, he would be Schweinhund.

[Tawa]

The local mob boss, one Joseph Ferrari, goes missing, and the cops trying to find something to pin him on are frustrated that the trail's gone cold.

A week later, a man in an apartment building smells something rotting in the abandoned apartment next to his. He knocks, and when there is no response, he calls the police to come check it out. They break into the apartment and find a rotting corpse stashed inside.

A patrolman looks at the body and calls to the head detective, "Hey, you recognize this guy? Or do we have a John Doe in here?"

The detective, one of the lead officers on the mob boss disappearance case, comes over and is shocked to see that the victim was Ferrari himself.

Spoiler: So he says to his partner (click to show/hide)

"No. We've got... Don Joe."

[Guardian G.I.]

Russian terrible joke:
Santa Claus has elves, while Ded Moroz does not. Why?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Ded Moroz roots for the Orcs!

[Tawa]

If Paper Mario were to sneak into Elsinore castle, but was caught by a guard, what would the guard say to him?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Stand and unfold yourself!"

[Tack]

The band doubled up on drummers as a percussionary measure.

Told that one to my roommate (though slightly different) and got punched.
Thank you 10/10 best terrible joke.