I got these from old issues of Playboy that I tore the jokes out of because that's the only part I like about them.
lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The owner suggested a centipede. "What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked.
"This is the most unusual centipede," the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink."
The man took the centipede home and put him in a box on the windowsil. That evening the man asked "Would you like to go out for a beer?"
Receiving no response the man said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?"
Again there was no response, so the man fairly shouted "Hey, in there! How about going out for a drink?"
To which a tiny voice replied, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes."
hy did the hard-of-hearing chief of police order the SWAT team to surround the department store?
He heard that they had Summer Bed Linen inside.
n angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean said infinite wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared.
The other faculty members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. One colleague said, "Say something wise."
The dean sighed and said, "I should have taken the money."
n route to his next performance, a juggler was stopped by a cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" the officer asked.
"I juggle flaming torches," the juggler said.
"Oh yeah?" the cop said. "Let me see."
The man stepped out of the car and began to juggle the blazing torches. A coupl driving by slowed down to watch.
"Wow," the driver said to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now."
A banker and his friend ere fishing one afternoon when their boat begain to sink. The banker said, "I can't swim."
His friend held on to the banker and swam toward shore. After twenty minutes, he grew tired and asked "Do you suppose you could float alone?"
The banker replied, "Well this is a hell of a time to ask for money."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie."
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt."
The man called the bartneder over. "I must be losing my mind," he said. "I keep hearing voices say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated. "They're complimentary."
Two men were walking through the forest when they noticed a bear standing a few feet away. The first man bent down and retied his shoelaces.
"Are you crazy?" the second man whispered. "Do you really think you can outrun him?"
"I don't have to outrun him," the man said. "I just have to outrun you."
man who had been driving all night decided to pull over somewhere quiet to get some sleep. He parked near a jogging trail and settled back to snooze. Just after he fell asleep, there was a knock at his window. He opened his eyes and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said. "Do you have the time?"
The man looked at his watch and answered, "8:10."
The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man settled back and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. A second jogger running in place asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:20," the man said.
The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man knew it was only a matter of time before another jogger disturbed him, so he put a sign in his window that said I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!
He fell asleep. Once again he awoke when someone knocked on his window. "Sir, sir?" a jogger said. "It's 8:30!"
wo guys walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
man went to his doctor and said "When I got up this morning I instinctively put on a pair of white gloves and called my wife Minnie. On the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go.' And at the office I called my boss Grumpy. What's the matter with me?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the doctor said. "You're having Disney spells."
Hollywood executives are working on a new movie about Amelia Earhart's fatal ride over the Pacific.
The working title is Never Findingland
hat do you get when you take ecstacy with birth control?
A man owned a farm in Kansas. The Department of Labor received a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his employees. An agent came to interview him and said, "List your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
The farmer said, "I have one ranch hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus room and board. Then I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $400 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" the agent asked as he scribbled on a notepad.
"Yeah," the famer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Very interesting," the agent said. "I want to talk to that half-wit."
The farmer replied, "You're talkin' to him right now."
I spent an hour typing this. I regret nothing.
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Topic: Terrible Jokes (Read 712296 times)