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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 712295 times)

pisskop

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #225 on: November 27, 2012, 09:46:54 am »

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kaenneth

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #226 on: December 02, 2012, 09:01:37 pm »

Why is a watch received as a gift better than one you buy yourself?

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What do you call a group of Blondes lost in the snow?

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dei

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #227 on: December 03, 2012, 08:36:46 am »

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A lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The owner suggested a centipede. "What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked.

"This is the most unusual centipede," the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink."

The man took the centipede home and put him in a box on the windowsil. That evening the man asked "Would you like to go out for a beer?"

Receiving no response the man said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?"

Again there was no response, so the man fairly shouted "Hey, in there! How about going out for a drink?"

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Why did the hard-of-hearing chief of police order the SWAT team to surround the department store?

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An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean said infinite wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared.

The other faculty members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. One colleague said, "Say something wise."

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En route to his next performance, a juggler was stopped by a cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" the officer asked.

"I juggle flaming torches," the juggler said.

"Oh yeah?" the cop said. "Let me see."

The man stepped out of the car and began to juggle the blazing torches. A coupl driving by slowed down to watch.

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A
banker and his friend ere fishing one afternoon when their boat begain to sink. The banker said, "I can't swim."

His friend held on to the banker and swam toward shore. After twenty minutes, he grew tired and asked "Do you suppose you could float alone?"

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A
man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie."

The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt."

The man called the bartneder over. "I must be losing my mind," he said. "I keep hearing voices say nice things."

"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.

"What do you mean?" the man asked.

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T
wo men were walking through the forest when they noticed a bear standing a few feet away. The first man bent down and retied his shoelaces.

"Are you crazy?" the second man whispered. "Do you really think you can outrun him?"

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A man who had been driving all night decided to pull over somewhere quiet to get some sleep. He parked near a jogging trail and settled back to snooze. Just after he fell asleep, there was a knock at his window. He opened his eyes and saw a jogger running in place.

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said. "Do you have the time?"

The man looked at his watch and answered, "8:10."

The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man settled back and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. A second jogger running in place asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:20," the man said.

The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man knew it was only a matter of time before another jogger disturbed him, so he put a sign in his window that said I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!

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Two guys walk into a building.

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A man went to his doctor and said "When I got up this morning I instinctively put on a pair of white gloves and called my wife Minnie. On the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go.' And at the office I called my boss Grumpy. What's the matter with me?"

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H
ollywood executives are working on a new movie about Amelia Earhart's fatal ride over the Pacific.

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What do you get when you take ecstacy with birth control?

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A man owned a farm in Kansas. The Department of Labor received a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his employees. An agent came to interview him and said, "List your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

The farmer said, "I have one ranch hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus room and board. Then I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $400 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" the agent asked as he scribbled on a notepad.

"Yeah," the famer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Very interesting," the agent said. "I want to talk to that half-wit."

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« Last Edit: December 03, 2012, 08:38:54 am by dei »
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Zrk2

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #228 on: December 03, 2012, 04:45:06 pm »

Those were very terrible. Well done.
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Helgoland

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #229 on: December 03, 2012, 05:04:54 pm »

To quote a joke from Friends:

"Why call it a Czech? Why not - a Yugoslav?"
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misko27

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #230 on: December 03, 2012, 05:15:41 pm »

To quote a joke from Friends:

"Why call it a Czech? Why not - a Yugoslav?"
"Because it isn't PC. And Yugoslavia no longer exists."
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The Darkling Wolf

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #231 on: December 03, 2012, 05:19:32 pm »

So terrible jokes eh?

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Starver

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #232 on: December 03, 2012, 05:47:52 pm »

To quote a joke from Friends:

"Why call it a Czech? Why not - a Yugoslav?"
"Because it isn't PC. And Yugoslavia no longer exists."
Back before there were Czechs, there were Czechoslovakians.  But then Czechoslovakia split up.  There were the Czechs in the Czech Republic and the Slovakians in Slovakia.  But where did the Os go?
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Helgoland

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #233 on: December 03, 2012, 05:51:40 pm »

Oop north?
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Arguably he's already a progressive, just one in the style of an enlightened Kaiser.
I'm going to do the smart thing here and disengage. This isn't a hill I paticularly care to die on.

dei

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #234 on: December 03, 2012, 10:13:12 pm »

Those were very terrible. Well done.
I know. And I specifically avoided any racist, sexist or sex-related jokes and reworded one joke so that it wasn't a blonde joke. Again, I reget nothing save that the Playboys were found by a former roommate who found them in a box in a dumpster and that I had to wash my hands several times after typing that up.

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
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ed boy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #235 on: December 04, 2012, 05:17:49 am »

If you go here, you will find jokes that fulfill pretty much all of the definitions of terrible.
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Dutchling

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #236 on: December 04, 2012, 10:57:26 am »

If you go here, you will find jokes that fulfill pretty much all of the definitions of terrible.
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The Darkling Wolf

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #237 on: December 04, 2012, 10:59:37 am »

what is this I don't even.
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Reelya

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #238 on: December 04, 2012, 01:45:34 pm »

Good lord, i could make up better terrible jokes myself than that pile:

What do Cannibals call quadriplegics?
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« Last Edit: December 04, 2012, 01:49:37 pm by Reelya »
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pisskop

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #239 on: December 04, 2012, 01:52:57 pm »

Good lord, i could make up better terrible jokes myself than that pile:

What do Cannibals call quadriplegics?
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Funny, that's what old men call old women in hoverrounds. . .
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Pisskop's Reblancing Mod - A C:DDA Mod to make life a little (lot) more brutal!
drealmerz7 - pk was supreme pick for traitor too I think, and because of how it all is and pk is he is just feeding into the trollfucking so well.
PKs DF Mod!
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