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[Draco18s]

He put my backpack on, he said that it's his clothes, and he said that he doesn't exchange bodywear for money.

Should have told him that you weren't interested in the backpack, but rather you were paying him to take his clothes off.
And then just stolen it.

[tomio175]

He put my backpack on, he said that it's his clothes, and he said that he doesn't exchange bodywear for money.

Should have told him that you weren't interested in the backpack, but rather you were paying him to take his clothes off.
And then just stolen it.

...
That is just... The best, but creepiest idea I have heard off. Up to now, that is.

[Draco18s]

...
That is just... The best, but creepiest idea I have heard off. Up to now, that is.

I'll be here all week.

[Zaffre]

Just lost my fortress world I've been playing since release because of an uprising within the fortress itself.

Once my fortress entered the advanced technological era, all of my crafters began work on a secret project. I couldn't see what it was, only that one of my miners dug out a huge area with a candy drill and had no supports. The opening spanned over fifteen z-levels.

Soon afterward, my researchers discovered that slade had strange properties. The crafter guild's leader immediately demanded to have it in extremely large qualities. My miners, having nothing to do, got a lot of it for them, and they accelerated work on their project. They didn't even leave to eat or drink and never slept. I had to establish a conveyer belt to bring the food to them.

Later, the opening got unrevealed, and the metalsmiths unexpectedly canceled their plasma rifle creation to build what appeared to be double doors with the letters "ARMOK" engraved on them. They also established an alarm. I wasn't sure why.

Things continued like this for a while. Technological advancements continued. When I looked at my plasma cell stockpile, it was all gone. Sure enough, I caught the craftsmen bringing it into the opening. I was angered, and didn't know what to think.

Suddenly I got an alert. "The alarm is going off!" and soon after "The silo doors are opening! Clear the area!" and my emergency bunker automatically triggered itself. My craftsmen stayed outside but at a far distance. Then I got a huge alert about trees being set on fire and looked at the silo.

What I saw baffled me. It was a huge rocket, but not like the normal warheads I have. This one had plasma canisters, modified to burn flesh. This is a biological weapon designed for the destruction of living things but not buildings.

When I checked the AI, I noticed it was set to break into three separate plasma canisters at high enough. Once the main payload hit the city, the plasma canisters would explode and rain acidic plasma on its target. I also saw its target: the humans.

Once it hit, I got two alerts: "The human nation of Bootmyths has declared war!" and, right after, "The human nation of Bootmyths has crumbled to its end." It took me a few seconds to realize that the warhead had wiped out all humans in the nation's capital, therefore destroying the nation.

Afterward, the elves and the rest of the dwarves declared war for crimes against nature, and my fortress was obliterated by an elf/dwarf army. Afterward I checked legends and fast-forwarded some years. The aftermath of the rocket caused clouds of plasma to spread across the atmosphere. Anyone that inhaled them had their bodies torn apart from the inside.

About ten years later, the world was devoid of life. Not a single living creature, sentient or otherwise, remained on the surface. Some cave creatures managed to survive but nothing could adapt. I deleted the region shortly afterward.

Now I warn you. If your craftsmen begin work on a secret project, don't let them.

[Robosaur]

I had an enchanted Bed of Levitation once.
Didn't think it did anything until I realized that all it did was cause Dwarves to levitate while sleeping in it.

[My Name is Immaterial]

I had a flying carpet, which is much less fun than it sounds. Its actually more FUN than it sounds. Whenever a dwarf walked on it, it levitated very fast, smashing them in to the ceiling. I installed it in the waiting room for Elven diplomats.

[Tally]

I just started a new embark, and decided to try challenging myself by running a low-tech fortress. I decided to skip over all the plasma guns, flying automobiles, jetpacks, all that modern crap that I could get at embark in favor of old school tech (if you can call it that). I actually had so many damn points left over that I just bought a massive amount of cows after I got my essentials and left it at that. Things were going surprisingly well for the first few years, although one of my starting dwarves stepped on an old landmine that was still active from a war several decades ago.

On my fourth year, I was surprised to see my dwarves had struck uranium deep in the ground. Lots of it. It wasn't long after that that the humans sieged me for it. They started with an ambush that killed one of my cow herders. Then my dwarves just kept running right out into the line of fire for some reason. I couldn't figure it out until I looked at the job list and found about 20 entries of 'Butcher Dead Animal'. Apparently a grenade killed several of my cows.


At this point, I gave up. There wasn't anything I could really do so I gathered all my dwarves at the church of Armok and had them pray, even though I knew it wouldn't help. The game just had to jab at me one more time. 'Pray to Armok cancelled: Disproven.'



After abandoning my fortress I decided to go peek into the legends and found that about 50 years before, a dwarf named Sarvash Uritrig (amusingly, his only skills were legendary data entry and competent cook) had mathematically disproven Armok. I can't help but wonder that if that hadn't happened, would I have gotten lucky with that 0.0000002985% chance for Armok to intervene?

[Pyro627]

He mathematically disproved a deity? Yeah, that's a bug. That doesn't even make sense, there's no math surrounding a deity, and in any case, a god is something that inherently defies logic. In the default game, Armok simply isn't quantifiable.

In fact, judging from the odds for divine intervention you gave, I'd go so far as to say that you actually added [QUANTIFIABLE] and [COMPREHENSIBLE:MORTAL_MIND] to Armok's entry. That's simply a terrible idea.

In any case, you didn't stand a chance of getting him to intervene to begin with. He wouldn't care about you because, in choosing a "low-tech embark", you rejected a ton of inventions that are good for killing and blood. In the future, if you want a low-tech embark, you should consider either a genning a new world with a technology cap set or ditching Masterwork. Vanilla still has the old technology cutoff in place.

[Starver]

He probably got the mathematics wrong.  I had one that got dangerously close to being right, and I actually started fading away into nothingness until a fully-armed goblin broke loose from a nearby cage and interrupted him, terminally.

[AutomataKittay]

He mathematically disproved a deity? Yeah, that's a bug. That doesn't even make sense, there's no math surrounding a deity, and in any case, a god is something that inherently defies logic.

To be fair, it's a specific deity, I imagine that it's due to lack of player meddling ever since Armok was implemented as placeholder for players and various player-triggered RNG effects.

The solution, of course, is to find out who did it and arrange an accident. And whip your fortress into obeying you from the first migrant, or doom

Or just turn up worldgen's Random Outsider Action factor, though that can lead to civilization self-destructing through civ-wide tantrum spiral not unlike how some fortress of old fell! Well, that or you ends up with entire civs full of battle-hardened uber-races trying to make bigger megaproject than everyone else.

[Terra_Inc]

So my computer is kind of crappy, I'll admit that. I can only run 500x500 embarks, which sucks - it isn't enough for a proper megacontinent run like Planetfurnaces (seriously, did you read that stuff? They quantum stockpiled tectonic plates WTF). But I did have a nice laugh recently.

So because I'm somewhat of a biology nerd, I decided to build some Genetic Labs. Sure enough, an Accomplished Geneticist showed up in the first migrant wave. I bought some test tubes and stuff (thank Armok my dwarven civ developed the internet a few years back, makes it easier to get stuff) and decided to set some Genetic Modification Tasks for my alpakas. My geneticist went and fiddled around with their genes - you know, the usual stuff, super-fast wool regen, tons of milk for alpaka cheese and so on. (Hey, don't look at me like that - I know it's lame, but how am I supposed to feed 1.7 billion dwarves with plump helmets?) That went on for a while, and I focused on my subterranean maglev net.

About three years later, he has a fey mood. No joke. This thing must have been the Planepacked of DF2050, it was pure horror. From what the Genetics screen told me, it was a modified dog embryo - but it had nothing to do with dogs anymore. It had, like, five legs and two heads, and spiky tentacles everywhere. Urgh. I actually wanted to butcher it right away when it was born, but I never had one before, so I gave it a try. I sent it to the Taxonomy workshop right after birth, but they couldn't tell me anything about it. Damn guy was only Adequate.

So as it turned out, this thing was super aggressive and when my capital was sieged by the goblin military, it went amok on the dudes. Ripped a ton of them to pieces before they could even hit it. You think that would be awesome - no more worries about the greenskins and their damn soldiers - but no, once the battle was over, the monster went after my own guys. Turns out it had the COMBAT_DOG tag. Right from the moment it was born. Damn, Likot Uraniumtraded, what did you do?? I killed it and moved on, making sure NOT to build a monument to this murdering tentacle-dog.

Then, ten years later, when I didn't even think of it anymore, I got this message. Tourist Derp McStupid is fighting. In my recreational area. A TENTACLE DOG THING WARGHBLARGHL how is that even possible? Apparently the first one must have impregnated a wild dog. I don't even want to think of it. Fact is, those things were out and about and murdering my dwarves left and right. I got my tanks out and blasted the thing to pieces. More showed up, more got killed by my tanks. I eventually decided to set up walls around my surface installations and some barricades with tanks. Of course, that sent half of my capital into "Has recently been scared by the idea of a police state" mode. I didn't even want to look at the rest of the towns, they went completely out of control. When the 2nd largest city was obliterated, I didn't even care. I had other problems. The elves had seen the things, and [ETHIC:GENETIC_MOD:UNTHINKABLE] is the worst tag ever. They declared war on me and ripped me apart with their damn artillery. Toady needs to nerf them, seriously. Past the atomic era they're waaay OP. Well, the inevitable happens and my happy dwarf nation crumbles to its end.

So I wasn't really pissed off after that. I mean, that was maybe fifteen years of happy DFing, ended by a magnificent nuclear war. Then I decided to look the stuff up in Legends mode and fast forward a few centuries. Apparently, shortly after the end of The Magnificent Riots (my civ), the tentacle-dogs had murdered the elves as well. By 2454 they had become the dominating species on the planet. By 2756 they had achieved sapience and formed their own civilization.

Why, Likot? Why? Were alpakas with udders the size of a dwarf not enough?

[Pyro627]

You got your ass kicked by elven artillery because you built on the surface and not underground.

The surface.

Like a freaking elf.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Just lost my fortress world I've been playing since release because of an uprising within the fortress itself.

Once my fortress entered the advanced technological era, all of my crafters began work on a secret project. I couldn't see what it was, only that one of my miners dug out a huge area with a candy drill and had no supports. The opening spanned over fifteen z-levels.

Soon afterward, my researchers discovered that slade had strange properties. The crafter guild's leader immediately demanded to have it in extremely large qualities. My miners, having nothing to do, got a lot of it for them, and they accelerated work on their project. They didn't even leave to eat or drink and never slept. I had to establish a conveyer belt to bring the food to them.

Later, the opening got unrevealed, and the metalsmiths unexpectedly canceled their plasma rifle creation to build what appeared to be double doors with the letters "ARMOK" engraved on them. They also established an alarm. I wasn't sure why.

Things continued like this for a while. Technological advancements continued. When I looked at my plasma cell stockpile, it was all gone. Sure enough, I caught the craftsmen bringing it into the opening. I was angered, and didn't know what to think.

Suddenly I got an alert. "The alarm is going off!" and soon after "The silo doors are opening! Clear the area!" and my emergency bunker automatically triggered itself. My craftsmen stayed outside but at a far distance. Then I got a huge alert about trees being set on fire and looked at the silo.

What I saw baffled me. It was a huge rocket, but not like the normal warheads I have. This one had plasma canisters, modified to burn flesh. This is a biological weapon designed for the destruction of living things but not buildings.

When I checked the AI, I noticed it was set to break into three separate plasma canisters at high enough. Once the main payload hit the city, the plasma canisters would explode and rain acidic plasma on its target. I also saw its target: the humans.

Once it hit, I got two alerts: "The human nation of Bootmyths has declared war!" and, right after, "The human nation of Bootmyths has crumbled to its end." It took me a few seconds to realize that the warhead had wiped out all humans in the nation's capital, therefore destroying the nation.

Afterward, the elves and the rest of the dwarves declared war for crimes against nature, and my fortress was obliterated by an elf/dwarf army. Afterward I checked legends and fast-forwarded some years. The aftermath of the rocket caused clouds of plasma to spread across the atmosphere. Anyone that inhaled them had their bodies torn apart from the inside.

About ten years later, the world was devoid of life. Not a single living creature, sentient or otherwise, remained on the surface. Some cave creatures managed to survive but nothing could adapt. I deleted the region shortly afterward.

Now I warn you. If your craftsmen begin work on a secret project, don't let them.

You should have played as Deep Dwarves. Or maybe a settlement of goblins or dwarves that took shelter in the caverns.


Am I the only guy who doesn't mod his raws much? Seriously, even if yyou disabled tech caps, the elven unwillingness to cut wood throttles tech a bit before the Bronze Age for the most part. No metal tools, no coal, no steam or other power...

[Robosaur]

You'd be surprised what sorts of wood substitutes elves make.
Once, they had had a revolution led by some great figurehead, who made ETHIC:BUTCHER_ANIMAL allowed, and they proceeded to use bone instead of wood. Because chopping wood was still unthinkable.

[Pyro627]

Elves grow wooden weapons, though. They just don't chop down trees.