Episode One, Turn Five: The Hammer.
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Perform the Litugory of the Word.
...Calm descends upon the village church of Termonfeckin as
Father Teal braces himself for a fine Liturgy of the Word, choosing wisely to ignore
Father Purple’s bleeding lower body sticking out of his baptismal font. He begins the now familiar words.
“Verbum Domini…”Well, considering the church is still on fire, I'll just tackle feckin' father feckin' shite or whatever the the feckin' ground for now. If he has notes, rip them up. Rip his clothes off while I'm at it, the bastard.
...Suddenly
Father Purple hauls himself out of the soiled baptismal font, runs up the steps to the altar, tackles the startled priest to the ground, and starts tearing his clothes off.
Father Teal’s down to his special Sunday Speedos before he can even react.
The congregation’s reactions to this development are mixed.
Father Teal has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Deliver Liturgy of the Eucharist, do not stop for anything until done with it. But as soon as I am done with it, make a run for the nearest source of water to extinguish self.
...Seeing
Father Beige safely out of the way at the bottom of the steps,
Father Red gets right on with delivering the Liturgy of the Eucharist – one of his favourite liturgies!
Smite Father Red with a holy fist of feckin' punching +1. In the groin. Then curb stomp him.
...But just then
Father Red remembers his man-bosom is on fire, and flees the altar towards the nearest source of water, whereupon
Father Beige leaps up after him, kicks him right up the arse, catches him by the shoulder, turns him round, and delivers
his favourite liturgy: the Holy Liturgy of the Punch Right in the Feckin’ Groin! Wincing with holy pain, Father Red staggers around several feet before falling over backwards into a nearby open barrel of petrol.
When the smoke clears he can still see his man-bosom on fire, but he can’t see Father Beige’s eyebrows. Or the far left corner of his church.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Remind the congregation that the church is still on feckin’ fire! Oh, and call the local firefighters and ambulance...to care for poor ol' Father Pink. He deserve a niccccceeee loooonnng rest at the hospital right now.
...“Feck! Arse! Girls! Drink!” shouts
Father Green desperately, outside the church of Cloonsherevagh from which he has just hurled himself. He hammers on the doors as the smoke from
Father Pink’s burning clothes and church drifts out the smashed window.
“Let me in! No! I mean open the doors! I mean… Oh, feck it…”Father Green decides to wander off to find a phone box when suddenly an empty fire extinguisher flies through the window he just left by, knocking him to his knees.
Grab a fire extinguisher and extinguish myself, then perform the Liturgy of the Eucharist while condemning the gobshite Father Green by beaning him with the empty extinguisher.
...Inside the church of Cloonsherevagh, meanwhile,
Father Pink finally realises that he is, in fact, burning all over and by now mostly naked. He grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and puts himself out before launching the empty canister through a conveniently already broken window. He could swear he hears a strange metallic boink followed by a stream of priestly invective, but decides he’s just imagining it. He’s been through a lot this morning, after all.
He suddenly remembers that that gobshite
Father Green is somewhere about, no doubt causing further riot and scandal, and launches, sadly hindered by a mouthful of foam, into his own stream of priestly self-expression.
“Feck! Arse! Gobshite! Feckin’ Father feckin’ Green! You bastard! Oh wait, time for the Eucharist!”He comes to his senses and makes his way to his altar, mustering all the dignity a priest in a burning church with a pile of trampled dead can, and consults his notes.
He looks down proudly and paternally over his flock and clears his throat.
Father Pink has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Father Pink has a +1 notes bonus for the next turn!
The Village of Ardglass...
FATHER CYAN SHALL GRASP THE MOMENT OF VERIDIAN’S COLLAPSE AND KICK THE FECKIN LITURGIES ARSE
...Back in the village of Ardglass,
Father Cyan is the first to wake from
Father Veridian’s deadly recital. Finding his notes ready in his hand, he jumps to his feet and blasts his congregation awake with possibly the best Liturgy of the Word he’s ever delivered. He beams with delight as a polite ripple of applause spreads through his church.
Awaken with inspiration and fervor.
Preach to the masses and order everyone outside to enjoy the natural scenery! Father Grey will be my aide.
...Busily applauding, no one even seems to notice as
Father Veridian walks down the central aisle accompanying
Father Grey, talking in hushed drones about what seems to be some kind of ecumenical matter. The oblivious Father Veridian continues walking as his companion slops over snoring onto the floor, and
Father Cyan spies him through the open entrance as he concludes the Liturgy of the Word. Father Veridian appears to be explaining the relative merits of combi boilers versus heat-only boilers to an unfortunate tree in the churchyard. The tree visibly wilts.
Father Cyan has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Perhaps he could pick up his fellow priest by the ankles and wield the poor fellow as a weapon to fend off the hordes?
...Seeing the enraged mob descend upon him and his fellow priest spurs
Father Silver into crippled back-defying action. He sees only one reasonable path to take: he struggles to his feet, grabs hold of
Father Brown’s ankles, and lifts him into the air, swinging him about his head and keeping the baying mob at the safe distance of one vertical priest.
Father Brown tries to escape the bloodcrazed mob and find a high-up safe spot he can perform the Liturgy of the Eucharist from
...It takes a second for
Father Brown to realise what’s happened: one second he’s crawling on the floor with several dozen angry villagers kicking him right up the feckin’ arse, the next he’s spinning through the air like some kind of medieval priest-weapon, smacking congregation members from side to side like some… kind… of… medieval priest-weapon victims?
But then suddenly the main doors open, and as
Father Silver turns, horrified at the shocking possibility of a terrifying pincer movement of angry churchgoers, Bishop Lennan walks in instead.
Father Silver’s jaw drops.
Father Brown’s jaw would also drop, if Father Silver hadn’t, in his fright, let go of his ankles mid-spin to send the poor priest flying straight up into the air, hurriedly gibbering the Liturgy of the Eucharist as he goes.
As Bishop Lennan stands flabbergasted in the doorway, his eyes follow the gracefully flung Father Brown preach through the air until, with a mild crunch, he comes to a sudden halt against the wall some twenty feet above the bishop.
He begins to slide in slow motion down the wall towards this superior. As times seems to slow down, Father Brown has a second to reflect that his arse, if not his bollocks, or even and probably both, are about to get quite a kicking.
He has just the time to survey the scene in his once, if not proud, at least reasonably tidy and peaceful church – the angry bishop in the doorway below, his dog-murdering priestly nemesis in the centre aisle, the bloodcrazed mob held at bay by the bishop’s wrath – before completing his downward slide and smashing down awkwardly onto Bishop Lennan’s fancy bishop hat, crushing it entirely. He finishes on the floor before the visibly irritated man.
“WHAT THE FECKIN’ FECK, YOU… YOU… YOU PAIR OF FECKIN’ EEJITS... MY FECKIN’ HAT YOU FECKIN’ GOBSHITES!”Father Brown has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Father Brown has a -1 Bishop’s wrath penalty next turn!
Father Silver has a -1 Bishop’s wrath penalty next turn!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Oh no! Enlist the aid of the villagers in assisting the wounded!
...”Oh no!” cries
Father Orange, somewhat groggily and with
Father Blue still standing on his head.
“The poor wounded villagers!”Without a second’s thought he sprints towards the far end of the church where an enormous pile of rubble and dust covers an only slightly smaller pile of trapped and mangled churchgoers. He doesn’t even look back as Father Blue falls to the floor behind him, pausing only as he runs to gather members of the congregation to aid him in assisting the wounded.
As the makeshift rescue crew remove the bricks and stone from the pile of horribly injured locals, what is revealed is hideously and deeply troubling to the mind and spirit! Exposed livers! Arms! Faces!
Despite the years of elite priesting – and occasional drinking – hardening his stomach, the now entirely sober Father Orange feels the bile rise to the back of his throat! He feels the stomach acid reach the tip of his tongue! He feels the… no wait, he
sees the burst of acrid gut-rain spew down upon his little local helpers, who, one by one, are in turn taken by the stomach churning repulsion-juice and collapse helplessly to their knees, expulsing their pre-Mass breakfasts with incredible speeds!
Striving on nevertheless, Father Orange is tugging at the limb of a trapped member of the congregation when suddenly everything goes dark.
"Get in there, ye feckin' gobshite!" >Shove Father Orange into the reliquary closet, locking it to keep him from causing any more trouble.
>Then dust off my robes, clear my throat and turn to my flock.
>Move right along into the Liturgy of the Eurachrist, glaring at anyone who would dare consider leaving the church!
...Getting back to his feet and watching with bewilderment as
Father Orange and his own congregation try to rescue their fallen co-churchgoers,
Father Blue decides to stop his rival causing any more carnage. He rushes to the pile of dead, wounded and stinking half-digested egg pieces and quickly and firmly rams a cardboard box down upon Father Orange’s head. He turns to his flock, feverishly beavering away to rescue their friends and loved ones, and clears his throat.
"Oh... Erm... Shite,” he begins.
“Sorry about that. And the, uh, wall. Ah well, I suppose it is my church. We’ll have a collection or something. Ahem, anyway! How about we do some Mass, eh?"The nearest villager turns wordlessly towards him, fists clenched in repressed anger and face dripping in mostly digested tomatoes.
Father Blue has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
I should have mentioned that waking up is generally a free action. I don’t think playing an unconscious priest would be that much fun.
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68438 times)